At present I am some 38,000 feet plus some in the air. Looking out across a vast barren land. I'm returning home. I have a hopeful feeling and deep in the pit of my stomach even more powerful a feeling of fear and dread. Hopeful that I can go home and resume a 'normal' life. A fear of what is to be and the dread of the impending 'talk' my parents are bound to confront me with.
I had to ring and withdraw from school today. What a sad day it is. I'm leaving behind the new life I struggled so hard to build for what? Anorexia the gut wrenching family destroying disease that encapsulates my every being.
I've been awake since 3am. I couldn't stop thinking "I'm going to go home and pass out and get admitted it's a matter of time I don't want to go back to hospital but I can't make myself eat as much as I may want to! Food is so tantalising and yet repulsive. It makes me feel sick like I'm going to physically throw up sick"
I passed out 4 times yesterday alone. I hate this waiting game because your staring reality in the face and can't do anything I haven't eaten for two weeks! Last time I made it 4wks and my kidneys started to fail (and a further week in hospital without eating or being tube fed) how long can I go this time before my body gives up on me? I'm hoping at least another week or two. The feeling of passing out is both scary and euphoric it means I'm that one step closer to an admission I so DON'T want but it means I'm doing something 'right' for lack of a better word.
I rang a helpline yesterday and told them everything it was so relieving until they told me they had traced my call and it was my choice I could comply and let them ring my case worker or I could not comply and they would do something even more extreme. I complied. They rang my case worker who was happy I was going home because id "get into hospital faster" :(. But she still didn't do anything even though she said if my body started deteriorating she would admit me. What? Do I have to be doing dying!? I am dying. Realistically speaking. I don't really care I don't want to go to hospital especially not now I'm not ready.
I didn't take laxatives last night becuase of my impending trip... Tmi! ...I shit my pants...literally OMG i could of died of embarrassment wtf! ;'(
Initially I wanted to go home having maintained my weight at least had I lost weight that would of been a bonus leaving the "holiday from hell" I am 8kilos (17.6pounds) lighter! 8 kilos in 2 weeks (yesterday)! fuck yeah! And who said not eating you couldn't lose weight? They were wrong wrong wrong I tell you. I don't know how I will survive another week or more like this but I have to exceed last time I have to that is my goal every time i relapse to last longer whether it be out of hospital or fasting it must.be.longer! I must prove people and my body wrong I can handle this shit! And by NO means do I condone this behaviour if your like me GET HELP get out as fast as you can run like nobodies business (metaphorically not literally)
I'm drinking shitty instant black coffee that's been stewing for way too long on the plane as we speak but I feel like puking up everything that is in my stomach which happens to be nothing! So I will drink this coffee as guilt free as I can. (I drank 125mls but hey it's a diuretic positive much?) I'm staring at an egg and lettuce sandwich that looks delicious but I really can't afford to eat :( . Torment that's what this is!
I had a disaster at the airport. My luggage weighed too much so I had to pay $30. So all up the trip cost me $130 not bad. Then I had to go through security three times first I forgot I had my phone in my pocket then I forgot i had my laptop in my bag and then I forgot I had scissors in my bag I surrender them I thought not worth it I can buy another pair for $5 well that was a fun adventure an. What have I learnt? Don't travel.
So that's it my day in a very long nutshell. And it's only quarter past two I will update when I get home. If I have the energy.
UPDATE: And the storm just hit. My dad said my mum had rung eds and was waiting for a phone call back that I have to link in with them again. I told him I've been discharged and they don't want me. He said he's not making me go to hospital but it's inevitable when I pass out he's ringing an ambulance. He said I must have a plan about my life did I really hate the course and being in qld so much. What was my 'plan'. He said he'd rather me take myself to hospital. I refused. I had no answers he gave up and threw his hands in the air you wanna know my plan? Hide in my room with the door locked so he can't see me pass out. He just messaged me and told me to have a think about what I'm goin to do over the coming weeks and come and discuss it with him and mum because that's how adults communicate. Screw him
Gaah I'm so angry I'm living in a house where nobody wants me and I'm just a burden I'm living on borrowed time so to speak screw everyone.
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