Ducking for cover

I spent the morning huddled in my bed trying to get warm and when that effort failed I moved on to the heater still, I was chilled to the core.

I ended up cancelling my psych appt tomorrow. Hollie rang and asked knowingly "so... Your eating and drinking normally you have energy your heart isn't racing?" I coyly said "yeah" she laughed at me and said she wasn't buying it and with a hr 140 I should of been sent to A&E Friday. Which I already knew. She said she wasn't cancelling my appt tomorrow she had moved everything around and got me the first appt on his first day back off leave. Way to make me feel guilty. She said she would continue to support me and that we should make a plan now before I collapse in public or my parents see. She really means well but I just can't deal with the thought of trying to get better again I know what it involves.

I plan to run tomorrow if he tries to admit me I have it all planned.

I feel undeserving fat and gluttonous for no reason except I've stopped taking lax so today I am depriving myself of even my diet coke. It's painful.

My great poppy died today too I haven't even cried the tears have stung my eyes but I just feel numb another thing to add to my crappy life 

I just keep blocking out all the triggers and starving myself the real reasons for my anorexia are too deep and painful to think about