Well I suppose it's about time I write on my dear blog. I haven't felt up to writting. I haven't felt good enough. I haven't felt thin enough. Sick enough. I have felt fraudulent above most else.
I lost 22.2kilos my bmi is now on the lower end of the healthy spectrum. I became a huge risk for heart attack and on Thursday night my friend bought me into a&e after a fair battle with my doctor about my medical stability or rather instability. It is now Saturday I have been pumped with this fluid and that. Glucose, saline, sodium chloride, thiamine. I am on a multivitamin and potassium. But I guess the real deal breaker is after a year I have a frigging tube in my face again and I'm back to gaining weight. I'm in the medical ward before I likely get sent to the window licker ward before I get sent to the piggy farm.
There is so much to say. About the admission. About the past month and a half. My life took one of the greatest turns in my history of anorexia relapse. I lost a significant amount of weight whilst barely trying. I became super obsessive about exercise and cleanliness. I messed around with parts of my body I had minimal damage too most of importance being the stress I put on my heart. It was very dehydrated and somehow for the first time ever I am now bradycardic as a pose to tachycardic. I lost more then sleep and weight. I deprived my brain and became the ditzyest person I knew. I didn't even recognise myself my thoughts my actions. It was and still is like living in a constant state of anxiety on auto pilot. I am no longer seeing the man who supposedly knows all.
The hospital psychiatrist yesterday restated the statistics. 20% of anorexics die in 10years, 10% from suicide and 10% from complications he said given my history he believes I will fall into that 20% category. I feel this was an unnecessary comment that is now ruminating in my head.
I am feeling unfathomably bloated today and like running away deep into a forest. Away from everyone. Everything. Myself.
Anyway I suppose I should let you know I'm slightly happier now I'm not living at home. I am living in a refuge. Given the same ultimatum; eat or get out. Clearly I chose the latter.
This post is very all over the place but I hope to write something more cohesive in my next post whenever that may be.
Keep strong and stay well Bella's xx
