The bread dilemma

Well I woke up dreading the day to come. Sometimes I wish I was a bear or could put a cork up my ass and hibernate until all thats bad at the moment is finished. Y'know?

I was in a slight state of panic I finished my laxatives last night. I knew I was running low and meant to pick some up on my way home yesterday but I forgot and didn't have my trusty jewellery pouch that I hide them in. So alas I had to make a special trip today and just told my grandma I was picking up phone credit. Not a total lie because I did that just wasn't the main reason I was going. I bought them and went to the toilet I closed the seat and sat there popping 200 pills like candy. I haven't bought laxatives for a good six months! I was shocked when I sat down and thought about it.

I decided to take a nap hopefully sleep through lunch time and dodge the bullet of "You're not eating again" But my grandma came to my room woke me up and said she was making omelettes for lunch and was I going to have one. I played the I already ate breakfast card. No cigar. She was adamant so I agreed to have soup nothing else. She made bread! So I ate my bread and sat there eating my soup until I had had enough of my head. I excused myself from the table and washed it down the sink but it was too late I had already consumed 132 calories! The damage was done. Thank heaven I bought laxatives.

Anyway as I proceeded to do the dishes and busy myself in the kitchen I heard my grandpa saying "Eating nothing again" I just ate 132 calories how is that nothing!? I'm sure you could see the steam puffing out my ears. So now i say fuck it I won't eat I tried. I ate fucking bread! And I hate myself for it.

The reason I even attempted eating was because my gran bought it to my attention if I didn't my grandpa wouldn't be impressed. I'm sick of disappointing everyone. He told me last night when I told him I wasn't going home that I needed to change I couldn't pass out on him and gran they couldn't deal with it and they were too old to have to deal with it alongside there other health complications.

And now after our lunch ordeal I feel I'm not wanted and might as well go out on the streets tonight there's no point staying where your not wanted but I'm not going back to geelong I will find emergency accommodation here my life is here now.

Diet coke and Coffee the diet of a nearly skinny girl

Well today was another day in my turbulent life. It came with its worries and anxieties. But compared to the last week and a half it was a good day. I still haven't eaten anything solid. And my diet of coke zero or black coffee continues to ride my life.

Since as long as I can remember I have been told "you learn something new everyday" and today that's true. I learnt why all the Ed specialists condemn coke and coffee. They are stimulants (I already knew this) but they are also diuretics (I didn't know this). Way to make a smart girl feel dumb.

I had a gp appointment to get my blood test results. Silently I was praying something would be a skew. So then somebody would take me seriously. But alas nothing was. My blood count was low but still within normal ranges.

I had a mini argument with the gp feeling like I was talking to a brick wall I gave up and retreated to reception to sign my bill.

I came home in tears telling my grandma I need help I know I do and that I was going to ring triage I wanted help. I did just that and they put me through to my newly assigned case worker. I met with her on Tuesday. She seemed nice a little patronising but nothing I couldn't deal with. I spoke to her addressing the fact I need intervention...now.

I was on the verge of pleading with her to make me ip give me a tube do something. Anything! She said I needed to see my gp and i explained over the last week I have I explained that my bloods were fine and I had lost a "significant amount of weight" I told her it didn't feel like enough though even after she expressed it was a large amount.

We have an appointment booked for monday and I am praying I just make it to monday. My energy levels are suffering. She urged me to try something in the lead up anything a banana and water smoothie, sips of water, milk in my coffee, juice anything but coffee and diet coke. I explained my biggest 'fear foods' bread, potato, water (I'm scared of water weight) and milk and she said we would steer clear of these she said anything i consume will help my body and it will be used instantly.

My psychologist back home rang me today and said good-bye and discharge me I didn't want a bar of it I feel sad that we finished on a sour note but how can she choose to abandon someone in crisis!? It wasn't worth fighting build a bridge and get over it and if you can't, go and become an engineer.

Which brings me to the final topic I need to address. I'm not going home. I'm staying on the Gold Coast. If i go home I'm going home to nothing no family no home no school no job and no treating team. Nothing. At least here I have a family (even if we are not on speaking terms) a house a school and I'm establishing a treating team. My life is here now. I need to get over the fact that my home is in Geelong. I need to grow up suck it up and move on.

Shit day gone to hell

What an awful day.

First i rang my psychologist back home to tell her I was coming home where she told me no matter what she was discharging me. I needed 'emotional regulation therapy' which she couldn't offer.

Then I booked my plane fair home. 8.20 saturday I arrive.

Followed by the arrival of books I no longer require and $1000 out of pocket due to the purchase because I thought I would need them as i full well intended on completing the course.

Then my grandma had a go at me that I "don't understand how the body works" excuse me, I have lived in this body for 19 and a bit years I think I know how my body works.

My phone rang. Dad. Well he continued to berate me "you give up on everything for this eating disorder". I got off the phone and cried for a good half hour sobbing and screaming "I ate fucking bread. All this because of a potato. I've ruined everything good that I had. I want help but I don't know how to ask for it. I just want to talk to somone. I want this all to end"

And that my friends is the gist of a shit day that's gone to hell and now I think I might go to hell to.

Xx Good night xX

Fucking trying!

This morning started as many do now days I woke early, threw my hair into a messy bun perched on top of my head and headed for the bathroom. This morning though no weighing took place for the first time in about two weeks it was both relieving and anxiety provoking.

I made my way to the kitchen. Took a soup cup from the draw a teaspoon followed by my yoghurt and my scales from the far corner of the bench. I meticulously weighed out 50g a whole 20calories. I sat there thoughts racing through my head this weird taste in my mouth from having not eaten for a week. I washed it down the sink after barely a teaspoon eaten, and went about my day as i usually would praying i didn't bloat from my 'breakfast'.

We finished school an hour early but i hung around to study with a group of people i had met in the morning as we waited for the doors to be opened. They were a good group to study with on the ball and active participants in conversation related to study.

I returned home after getting lost and disorientated walking through the park. I had never walked that way before but who knows maybe I'll do it again. If I go back to school.

Why the negativity you may ask? Well I got home about 12pm. Lunch time. My grandma made a salad with potato. Potato being one of my biggest fear foods. And considering i haven't been eating anything someone else makes is fearful. I rang my mum in a state of panic and asked her to please talk to my gran and tell her I'd make my own food. My mum's reply "I'm 1000km away what do you want me to do?" talk to my grandma! So off i went to face up and confront her heart racing "Gran" "Yes darling?" *inhale* *exhale* "Would you please not make me food I will make my own" "Fine! I will put it on the table don't eat it throw it in the bin waste it. This disorder of yours is ridiculous (or something along those lines)" 

So she put it on the table and i retreated to my bedroom to be alone with my own mind crying screaming at myself. Grandpa told me my lunch was ready. It took me a few moments then i went down and sat at the table contemplating eating it or point blank refusing it. My grandma came back and said something else what I can't remember. I cried and screamed "I didn't ask you to make me anything I can make my own" my grandpa telling my grandma not to engage in conversation (or argument) and then me not to cry because it was all "your fault"

So much for the communicating you urged me to do grandpa no wonder why i bottle shit up!

So again like time and time before I returned to my room crying and screaming. "I was fucking trying! I ate bread and full calories jelly yesterday! (Both fear foods) I was trying I was going to continue trying." Now I don't see the point once i told my mum i had spoken to my grandma and she was angry my mum told me to "come home saturday and stop wasting everyones time" I WAS FUCKING TRYING! What more did they want I was going to order my ensures and forticremes too

Good girl Bad girl

So I went to the clinic today she was really happy and really worried. She didn't say much. She couldn't do much. She has linked me in now so i have to see them every monday until i go home. She didn't even bat an eye lid when i told her I hadn't eaten for a week.

I went to the gp he said my pulse was low but again wasn't to concerned. He took my bp standing and said there wasn't much of a change. Relief. He asked why i had to have it done standing I like because thats what my gp and the hospitals do because I'm such a high risk of dehydration. He ordered a full blood count, and said he would write a referral for a psychiatrist as i "clearly need to see one". Now we wait.

I'm not going to go. And I'm going to cancel going to the clinic. I just can't deal with people trying to make me change with having to build new relationships.

My dad rang this morning and was really positive and cheery about having me come home for every second weekend but I couldn't tell him that's not what I want that what i want is to come home. And stay home.

My team back home are packing up on me what can i expect? i'm in another state. So i will be officially discharged from them next week my psych is going to ring to say goodbye over the phone. I don't want to it's too sad but it's also a huge milestone. Even though mentally I'm worse off then when i started seeing her.

I went safe food shopping as i am expected to eat in the lead up to my short trips home. I bought diet yoghurt and pumpkin soup and a set of digital scales. That my grandma hasn't seen yet. If it helps me to eat even a little something I think it's worth it.

April i go home for two weeks that I think will be the end. Just another 5 weeks I can do it I've made it through the last 6. Barely but, I've made it.was 

Word vomit

Be prepared for word vomit my friends. It's the only kind of vomit i can do right now. Trust me i tried to throw up my coffee. Yep that desperate. Lucky for me it din't work. I hate purging I haven't purged for over a year! Yay go me.

I tossed and turned all night with a bare few hours sleep. I'm restless. I keep thinking about calories in calories out. I must get up and do something. And inevitably getting up at least five times to use the bathroom (to no avail). I would be lucky to (TMI) pee 100mls over the course of a day. Clearly one coffee isn't sufficient for my kidneys. C'mon don't fail me now body we're just at the start.

Anyway after the toilet disaster i throw my clothes off run down the stairs turn the kitchen light on in my underwear retrieve the scales from the bathroom and weigh myself.

...No movement.

How is this possible!?

Weigh myself in the bathroom on the carpet and I'm down 2kg.

I don't know which to trust. I can't be staying stagnant on one coffee and three laxatives a day no way it's not possible. I've done this before. So maybe I trust the scales on a dodgy floor? Either way I've met gw1! I'm down at least 11lbs- 5kg (max 15.4lbs- 7kg) since tuesday.

I ended up getting a phone call from the online service I've been engaging with last night. They are "very concerned" about me they wanted me to go to A&E despite me saying i felt fine (Honestly i do) and saying my granddad was a dr. They asked for me to give them my grandparents number so they could talk to them again i refused. They asked for my home address again i said no (I'm not falling for that trick they would of sent an ambulance). So they said they would contact my team back home today and get them to get in contact with me. My team don't work monday's I tried to tell them. Well I have a scheduled phone call with my psych tomorrow so no doubt this won't be the last I hear.

I had a phone call from the clinic here again they are also "very concerned" about me. Having met me once how can they decide that? Especially as i was eating at that time. They urged me to come in and said I didn't need an appt just walk in they really want to see me. My "I'm ok" was seen as a mask. I don't want to see them. I said I'd think about it. I've thought about it. How about...No?

My friend back home has contacted homeless refuges or me today where she was faced with a brick wall and told i needed to contact them. Like that's gonna happen I hate talking over the phone to people I don't know (strange considering its anonymous). She urged me to a) See a GP b) Go to the clinic. Both i said no to. Then she was angry with me so I agreed. Silently crossing my fingers, like hell that's gonna happen I'm not falling for that they will throw me in hospital!

I decided to go to sleep. Try to catch up on what i missed out on last night. 1 hour. 1 fkn hour! Thats all i got and still I was tossing and turning i was dozing not sleeping. I left my room and took up a pew in the kitchen. My grandpa asked me sarcastically "How's the study going you've been in there 6-8 hrs" (I had been in there 2hrs) anyway I snapped back "I wasn't studying i was trying to sleep. There's no point gran doesn't want me i heard her talking to my aunt yesterday" My gran then jumped in"I never said that" funny pretty sure I'm the only one living off black coffee. Funny I asked for jelly and you wouldn't let me because you thought I'd buy laxatives. Funny because I'm the only person you would be putting on a flight home this week to a family that doesn't want her! Stupid alcohol and selective memory. She's as sick as me. Her and her "I have no problems I'm so lucky" she's in as much denial as me!

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

Another failure

I'm numb.

Chilled to the core.

I break out in tears like a heat rash.

I'm inconsolable.

I went to church this morning to repent my sins. So much for repenting. I felt like the sore thumb sticking out in a crowd. I felt alienated. I felt ...I felt ...I felt!

Well I came home and fell asleep on the couch in the sitting room. I was tired what can I say. I'm losing energy faster then I can get something into my body. My grandma came in asking if i was going to eat I jumped from where i slept and mumbled no thanks.

I went back to sleep.

I woke up. And sat at the table with my gran and great aunt. I had asked my gran early in the morning if she was going to the shops. I wanted to buy jelly. Diet jelly. Safe jelly. She needed to post a letter so i hung around like a bad smell. She sensed it. My phone rang. I answered it an retreated to the sitting room. Then i heard whispering. I walked over to the thin wall that separated the two rooms. They were talking about me "Is she eating anything? Drinking water?" "She's having one black coffee how dry!?" and the conversation evolved. By the end I didn't want to hear anymore. My gran said she didn't want me going to the shops because she thought I'd buy laxatives. I probably would of I'm running low. She said she was going to look at plane tickets home this week. She said my mum had told her there was nothing she could do you just have to wait. She said mum had said I'm not welcome home. That hit hard. Like a brick to the face hard.

Anyway my gran eloped to the supermarket whilst i sort refuge in the back room crying to my friend over the phone. She bought jelly. Full calorie jelly. I freaked. I was angry. I'm going to tell her i don't eat that flavour of jelly whats the point in me trying to eat something if my family don't want me?

I'm just a burden

Another failure.

Dehydration

It's Saturday the last time i checked in was Thursday. Not much has changed. My grandpa isn't really on speaking terms with me. I think we are ignoring the fact I'm not eating. The big fat elephant in the room. He dropped me off at school and that was the closest we had been in days figuratively and literally. But sitting there I felt like an alien from outer space. There was more distance between that short space then there ever had been before between us.

Today we have a family reunion. A whole lot of people I know are related to me but put there name in front of me and ask me who they are and i'd be asking you exactly the same question "Who's who?". The hustle of this house today is overwhelming at least. I went to sleep for a short hour and a half and then was awoken for cake and candles. I found the candles and refused the cake. 3.5 days since i last ate. I have no hunger pangs at all its...strange. But the food today is tantalising it's the devils food! I will not eat I promise you that.

I'm getting dehydrated fast. My body feels as dehydrated as my relationship with my grandparents is at present. All dried up. Maybe the decline this time will be faster then last, maybe my body is finally giving up on me? I am just struggling to provide for my body I know this cycle I've ridden it time and time again. You'd think I'd learn the basics of restricting by now.

My friend back home has offered me to stay with her a couple weeks if i get sent home. I think it would be best. But my grandma keeps talking about me like she won't let me leave. I hate these mind games I don't know where I stand.

I'm down 4kilos since Wednesday

A picture of my funky dehydrated tongue :P

Adequately showing it

Today has been a hurricane of emotions. I expect this to be a short entry.

It started early at 5am I crept from my bed used the bathroom threw my clothes off went to my grandparents bathroom and retrieved the scale I took it to the kitchen a flat lino surface as a pose to their carpet bathroom. Breathe one, two, three step on eyes closed heart racing hands shaking. Open your eyes breathe deep and again look down. Two kilos gone.

I am officially no longer at my highest weight. Boo yeah! It's like a drug you see that and you long for more anorexia longs for more she longs for your life she won't be truly happy until she's stolen everything good you once had from you. She won't be happy until your dead. You pray to be thrown from the mortal coil too.

2pm came around and i was summoned from my room. I had been locked in there since yesterday arvo a mixture of crying and numbness. I took my place in the family room questioning what a family was because this sure doesn't feel like one.

Fast forward to this afternoon my grandpa asked when i was going home and that it would be best. I tried to tell him i didn't hate him and he told me i was "Adequately showing it". He went for a sleep and left me sitting there in yet another flurry of tears. I couldn't turn them off and for once i didn't want to I embraced them it made me feel better.

I went to the kitchen and spoke to my grandma through tears i told her "i didn't hate her i told her i didn't want to do it anymore and i hated anorexia but felt powerless" she held me and told me she loved me and knew i didn't hate her she said she knew i didn't want anorexia. That was all i could ask for.

Now i am left questioning what will happen to me where to from here. Home? Here? Eating? Not eating? I don't know! I want to try to eat a little something but now i've started i don't feel i can stop.

The high that comes with the lows

I feel like a teenager again (I'm not far gone) smoking cigarettes on the bleachers or pashing behind the school bike shed. None of which i ever actually did but you can just imagine the hype. The euphoria.

My Anorexia is creeping in slowly she starts to take over my body encasing my mind first. But like glass it shatters and splinters it leaves fragments of a human being dropped to the ground. But its tiering.  It's more tiering then being open and honest.

So that brings me to today. I'm locked in my room. My gran just called for dinner. I'm 'sleeping'. I'm neglecting the fact that I'm a human being and a necessary thing to stay alive is food and water. I'm longing to be rejected from the mortal coil. Praying to whatever god there is. Maybe they will send me home? One can hope. My hearts pounding thats called tachycardia tachy=fast cardia=heart (That's about all i've learnt at school. Breaking the news of a relapse is always the most painful. My grandma is pleading with me "I struggled to see and make it the least you can do is eat it, its only pumpkin soup" I DON'T WANT IT I don't want ANYTHING!

What triggered it? I don't know the stress of moving perhaps? The stress of school? The longing of being home like home home, the longing of being a star pupil? There could be many reasons I just can't find the answers. If I really searched I might find it but it's like a where's wally book in my head everyones wearing red and white stripes but where is that iconic cane and glasses that sets him apart???

I had an Eating Disorders Assessment today. I wanted to shrink to the size of an ant or throw powder in the air and go poof like a magician. Neither of which happened of course. She asked questions. I answered. I left in a flurry of emotions like a storm brewing. I could feel something inside of me turning the cogs of anorexia being wound like a clock. Click. Somethings changed I just can't put my finger on what? That I just don't give a fuck anymore.

Today marks a year sink my baby casper passed away from a heart arrhythmia. So tomorrow marks a year since my second Royal Melbourne hospital admission this time last year I had an NGT situated that word still makes me cringe. The sad part is this was not to be my last admission. They stacked up against me

Just what the 'dr' ordered

I've been trying to write for a few ays now and everytime i start its just not right. So hopefully the words will come to me now as its late i'm not medicated up (yet) as school finished an hour ago. Yay for late nights and early morning classes.

I woke early this morning my grandparents fumbling with the door. Gran had an eye appointment initially she comes home blind but then in a few days her sight will be better then ever. 

I sat in the sitting room (ironic aye?) and listened to my music 10.30 ticked by and still my phone hadn't rung. I was waiting for my psychologist back home to ring. 11 o'clock came and the illusive over the rainbow chimed. Blocked number. It was her. My heart fluttered with anticipation and anxiety. We spoke for 20minutes. 

She was going over accomodation with me. Where I could live when I get home. She noted my too and fro of where I want to be when I'm in a particular place I wanted to be it turns out I don't want to be there anymore. She wants me to do a pros and cons list. She said she's happy to help me. She said she'd ring next Tuesday at 11 my time. 

She told me I can live wherever I want it's not my parents decision. And that if I go into mental health housing I have to be prepared to engage in treatment. Blah. 

She asked how I was going I couldn't lie I told her I was eating one meal a day she asked how I was physically I told her I'm getting dizzy and the shakes she ordered me to have regular physicals with my gp she's going to ring him :P damn bugger damn. I like keeping him at a distance. She told me she didn't trust my anorexia when I said I was fine pointing out to me how many times before this had happened and i wasn't. Yes I know. 

She also told me the online service had contacted her and she suggested in the mean time having phone calls with them I agreed. She actually wanted me to go in and see them I didn't feel comfortable with that. I just don't like seeing people face to face these days.

I forgot to tell her about my assessment on Wednesday. 

I'm tryin to fight sometimes I just lose sight of what I'm fighting for.

Well now its time for me to do my psych homework or at least get a start on it it's been bugging me all afternoon.

Oh and just off topic I met a friend in hospital about a year ago we became close she also became one of my biggest triggers but she always knows how to cheer someone up my last medical ward admission she visited me every few days bought in colourings, books, cards you name it. Well i got home from school today to find a parcel on my desk it was a box of 64 affirmation cards so beautiful I am so blessed to have her :') it really was just what I needed

little by little, bit by bit

I feel like i'm living my dads dream.

I reached out to an online service last night completely anonymous they are going to contact my psych back home.

I want to scream.

What the hell am i doing!?!?

I want to drop on the floor like a 2 year old and throw a tantrum.

I don't want to eat.

I'm medicated up. But i know medication is not the answer. But at the same time i just don't care

I wish I had some weed or a cigarette ...or both

"Medicine is something a doctor does for you, health is something you do for yourself "-simone sleep

I'm losing my mind

Little by little

Bit by bit

A car with no breaks, free falling with no parachute, dabbling but not swimming

I've started school. 

It's well underway. 

I have two assignments due in two weeks. 

One is half done. 

The other barely even looked at.

Our internets stopped working. 

So, I have to throw in the towel tonight. 

Damn bugger damn. 

I'm loving it. 

My anorexia not so. 

I have to keep my energy levels up so I can concentrate. 

This week though I plan on dropping back to one fruit juice and one meal. 

I miss my anorexia. 

I still dabble but I don't swim in it. 

At the moment. 

I feel out of control. 

Like I'm driving a car.

With no breaks. 

Free falling.

Without a parachute.

I had a dr appt today. 

Apparently I should be taking vitamin D. 

I had to book a hep b vaccine. 

Monday. 

For school go figure. 

Everythings for school now days.

I'm so lucky to live in this country. 

But man, I hate vaccines. 

Give me a blood test any day. 

I am now linked in with the hospital up here. 

They are going to discuss my case over the weekend.

And ring me on Monday to arrange an appt. 

I spoke to my psych back home. 

Told her my parents didn't want me hence why I'm staying here. 

Told her I didn't want to stay here.

She said we'd talk Tuesday. 

She told me to think about it. 

Seems wherever I go I don't want to be. 

I feel like a failure. 

Like a let down. 

Like I'm living my dads dream. 

I want to give it until April though.

Lord give me the answers. Please?

Can't have my cake and eat it too

11weeks on Tuesday I have been out of hospital. 11 weeks I should have a party! Except it's about to be tainted. I should never of expected more of myself. I'm a disappointment.
A let down.
A disgrace.
A failure.

Gran made cauliflower soup last night for dinner it was an in your face reminder of the 5weeks I went without eating. I had pumpkin soup on my birthday I blew out the candles on my cake and you know what I wished for? I wished to die to end it all. Clearly wishes don't come true. I didn't eat the cake maybe that was the problem?

One day later I was admitted to hospital dehydrated hypoglycaemic a postural drop in bp and an increased hr and with kidney failure. Happy birthday! I was greeted with an IV and a NG tube. And that was the start to this period of 'recovery'.

I wanted to go to church this morning but I thought I was too fat and I knew staying holed up in my room is the best way to greet people with a relapse. Like so many times before I prayed. I prayed for my imminent death. One day my prayers have to be answered. Right?

All last night I was haunted by
The memories
The fights
The tears
The times I passed out
The hospital admissions
The op appt's
The Insertion of NG tubes and IVs
Time and time again.

Well I start school this week for real 3 days= 3 days of fasting or near abouts.

I told my dad last night I wanted to come home. He said we'd talk tomorrow. We did. He told me he doesn't want me coming home there's apparently nothing for me there except the same old cycle. I cried. He said we'd talk again Tuesday after I've finished school and him work. NO BODY FKN GETS IT I DONT WANT TO BE HERE I WANT TO GO HOME AND RELAPSE I WANT TO DIE AT HOME!

Ps. My grandparents hid the sales after 3.5 weeks >:<

There's no place like home

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home" - Dorothy, The Wizard Of Oz

Too bad I can't tap my ruby shoes three times and say those magical words and I would be home sweet home. 

I'm finding it increasingly difficult being here. Coping. I'm resorting to seroquel to dull the booming voice in my head. But let's face it I can't live off seroquel for the rest of my life when life gets tough.

I just want to be home in my bed in my hometown surrounded by my family and friends and my dog not my uncles'. I don't want to have to keep pretending I don't want to have to keep eating. 

I'm about to fall AGAIN I can always feel these moments. I can feel a relapse sneaking up on me like a train, at first you don't notice it until it's right on top of you and you can't move. That's what it feels like. Suffocating. I'm about to let the whole world down. But if I stop eating maybe my gran will send me home?

'Awful mean bad dr' X2 lesson learnt

So today was like my third (?) appointment with said 'awful mean bad dr' I remember my first appointment with him little over a year ago where he straight up told me "You don't look anorexic" Yep he went there.

Well today I saw him again to my delight he didn't recognise me. I arrived and took up a pew in the far left hand corner of the room where i had full sight of the surgery, at 10.45 after buying a lemon for lunch (Well to go in lunch; a curry) and getting my scripts filled. 15 minutes to kill. I looked around the room aimlessly straining my eyes trying to read the tiny pamphlets taped to the wall to no avail. My anxiety was growing as every minute passed that he was late... he ended up being 30 minutes late!

He called my name and i followed him down the narrow and short passageway to the first room on the left. I sat down. He sat down. "How can i help you" "I need a referral to a psychologist please" "Whats the problem" "I *breath deep* have anorexia" "Do you throw up after you eat?" "No" "Well you don't have anorexia then do you" "Umm yes I do your talking about bulimia" "Well what is it you do then?" "I'm a restrictor" "A what?" "I limit my food intake" "Ok"

So after that dialogue he proceeded to dial someones number who I'm not sure someone he knew that might know a specialist. No answer. Just my luck. "Come back at two please" damn bugger damn. I knew before this appointment i should of medicated up to ease the anxiety.

So home again home again jiggity jig. And medicate up I did! We had lunch which went surprisingly well thats what meds can do for you i suppose what a magical wonder of the world. How grateful to medical science I am. Then as I had taken four times my prescribed amount i fell asleep. 40 minutes later my gran woke me I felt ubber tired after this it felt like i had only just drifted off.

2 o'clock came and went so did 2.15, 2.20, 2.30, 2.40 and 2.45. "Rebecca" My turn... again. Off I went I sat in the chair like i had the first time. And he in his like he had the first time and so many times before. "I just found out the name" he proceeded to do a mental health plan which took him near on 20-30 minutes to complete. He had a name (Alice). He told me to ring her when i got home and arrange an appointment.

One last question since i had my scripts filled in the morning (to save me having to visit him again any time soon) "Could you please write me a script for seroquel?" "Sure, what strength" "25mg but i take up to 100mg even though I'm only prescribed 50mg a day" "Ok, I will prescribe it for 50mg twice daily" yet again  he encountered yet another problem some computer glitch *rings someone* "Ok i can only prescribe for 60mg so I will prescribe 100mg" Yep I got my meds increased by 4 times the amount just by being honest! (because that's what i take anyway and nothing will change that except now I'm likely to take more then prescribed, I have a tendency to do so when life gets unberable) Although I didn't expect that outcome in the slightest. It was as if he was handing out candy to a child that's how easy it was to get him to chnage my prescription i thought he might give me a lecture not change it...Magic to my ears a prescribed dose that will actually be beneficial.

Needless to say the seroquel i had on board before the second appt made it more bearable then the first time. Lesson learnt.

I got home and anxiously called Alice she said she would call me back this afternoon what didn't occur to me beforehand was that she might be private. My grandpa thinks she is. at $100+ a pop I think i need a new referral. Damn looks like i have to see the "Awful mean bad dr" Again -.-

Oh and to top off the day I had homework to do; an english language competency test. It was 25 minutes timed and 42 questions. I answered 32 and got 21 right. So over half what i answered and just on half of the combined total. Congrats me. Bring on Tuesday, it will be a long day (1pm-7.30pm) but I'm keen to actually learn something of slight relevance to my course.

My first day of school

Update time; 9-1.30 we were scheduled to have class. At 6am my dad woke me to wish me the best of luck and tell me how proud he is of me. Very greatly appreciated though. So then i was bursting with excitement and couldn't sleep so up and at em I went. No one was home. I waited and waited and waited still no one so I did my make up. Gate grates open... Woof woof, dogs are home... Grandpas home. Darn it I'm hungry where's gran? He have me a pep talk, again greatly appreciated. 15-30minutes later gate grates open again shuffle shuffle. It was gran! Brekki time. I had been both waiting for it and dreading it all at once and which one more I couldn't tell you. Bacon and eggs on toast. Energy food as my gran calls it. She then proceeded to make my lunch 6 cruskits with Nutella two shortbread biscuits and a bottle of water. Photo time! It was like my first day back at school all over again a little bundle of energy (or not so little) bouncing off the walls counting down until 'take off' 8.30 crept around and it was off! My first stop was the reception area to get some direction as I was waiting I overheard someone asking where the diploma of nursing students were " room 410" "excuse me are you doing nursing?" "Yes we are" "can I come with you" "sure" and there you have it two friends in less then 10minutes. Elle and Jess. Both in group A. Unfortunately I was in group B but never fear right behind me sat two more girl a little older then I (26) we got talking and soon enough bam two more friends. Teraysa and pip. We spent the day finding our way around the online classroom (I think I'm more likely to get lost on there then on campus). We had a 15minute break where we went to a little sitting area on the fourth floor Elle ate sandwiches and Jess a salad here I am with six cruskits...I ate 2 and drank some water. I was 'full'. Really I didn't want to be seen as a pig. Then it was back to the computers. Annoyingly my computer chucked the dummy and the techi couldn't fix it so he wrote his number down and told me to ring him once we had finished for the day. We were moved into the computer pod where our teacher was giving us pep talks. 1 o'clock came around and we were dismissed. So I went and waited back in our classroom I rang the techi and he told me he'd be up in ten so I waited patiently as I waited Teraysa offered to drop me home once I had finished. I happily obliged. The techi arrived and the problem was quickly fixed then it was off to Australia fair to pick up a go card (allows you to travel on trains buses and trams) I found the lotto shop easier then first thought. I rang Teraysa her and pip were at KFC. Inevitably they were pigging in. I not wanting to be left out sheepishly ordered. I ate. I was FULL like actually couldn't eat another thing full. Uncomfortably full. Then home again home again. Just had phone calls from all my family for the last hour now I'm thinking about going for a swim but I'm afraid I will sink to the bottom lol. Now my gran is making a celebratory roast chicken for dinner OMG FOOD IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTANCE

Butterflies

Well with all the darkness in my life at the moment I am pleased to report there is a glimmer of light. I am going back to school, tomorrow in fact. I am officially a nursing student and I am so pleased to be able to say I finally have a purpose in my life rather then having every action dictated by a number or my intake. I am more nervous then I let on but I am equally just as excited and elated. I think I'm more nervous about moving away from home.

What will tomorrow bring? Will I make friends? What will I learn? Is this field really for me? Only time will tell.

I had the 'what shall i wear' dilemma the other day but that's now sorted; a black and white striped floor length skirt and a white tank top. I shall do my make up and i straightened my hair for the first time today since I had it permed, let's just say my god no way in hell was I going to turn up with my hair like that! It looked dreadful so I had a shower and washed my hair in anticipation.

I don't know how I could possibly sleep tonight the butterflies in my tummy sure are flying around and making their presence known.

So today has been busy. It started off with my usually breakfast of 3-4tbs of plain yoghurt. Then I got dressed ready to start the day in style. My gran was going to the crisis care centre to help the homeless and she had an epiphany that I should volunteer at the church playgroup I was a little hesitant but once I got there all the hesitance faded away it felt natural helping out. And I would actually go back there and do it all again next week! (except we don't know my school timetable yet, i get that tomorrow). Then it was home again where I did the washing had lunch and then popped down to the tafe and enrolled myself. Home again home again time to do some journalling then news time and now blogging. I've barely had a moment to myself but i wouldn't change today for the world it's the start to a new beginning

In. Out. In. Out.

I find it so hard to blog these days. To find something of relative importance to tell you. But I am empty. In ever sense of the word. The words cease to exist and my mealplan is decreasing rapidly. I'm barricaded up with 'safe' foods and battered down with negativity. It consumes my every thought. My every waking and my every sleeping hour.
I reminisce,
I recall,
and I remember all the times.
The times I have cried in therapy.
The times I have screamed "I HATE YOU" in therapy.
The times it was called for a readmission even a day after discharge as a result of therapy.
The times I was poked and prodded and watched.
The times I had a tube shoved down my nose as i refused to eat or drink.
The times I wished to just die already!
I remember all these times with much regret that I had no control and yet I yearn for it all the same. To feel
Wanted
Needed
Appreciated

I'm trying so hard to be a 'normal' teenager. To enjoy my last year as a teen before i move on to my twenties. I'm trying to reengage with society.
To make something of my life.
To go to school.
To move out.
To start working.
To do all the things 'normal' people do at my age. Not living off a pension downing tablets to keep my sanity and peace of mind being in constant turmoil feeling the pull of the tide of falling in and out of hospital life. Getting into a routine of
Eat
Stop eating
Abuse laxatives
Purge
Self harm
Run
Skip
Sit ups
Star jumps
Dehydrate
Poke
Prod
Shove
Cry
Scream
In
Out
In
Out
And so on

Life isn't as easy as I thought it should be I wasn't gifted with a manual on how to live or in my case die. There was and still is no easy way out. Sometimes you have to muscle down and fight. But I'm drained. So drained. I don't want this life anymore. I want to go back to a sub existence. Where I had no responsibilities where i could openly be me. It hurts so much to hide. Or to even engage in what my life is openly in front of the watchful eye of my oblivious grandmother. And so it goes on.So I suppose I will just 'muscle down' and do what I have to do. For now. Maybe I will try weightloss the 'healthy' way (with exercise and safe foods)?