Tornado

It's been about a week and a half since I last blogged. I go to write something and then i get writers block. Nothing seems good enough. I don't seem good enough.

A lot happened as I mentioned a few posts earlier scary poppy (thats what we called him as kids as he used to poke his false teeth out at us and scare us) passed away so his funeral was monday just gone. There were many tears shed and most of the pictures showed a simple man with a slight addiction to alcohol. Well maybe a little more then slight...

My psychiatrist discharged me. So i asked my gp to find a private psychiatrist so she asked him and he said he would see me privately I DON'T UNDERSTAND! He would be doing the same job except getting paid more except in my case that wouldn't be so as he offered to bulk bill me i said i'd think about it but in the mean time i'm going to get relinked in with my first councillor. Boy have things changed. I'm still on weekly checkins with the gp. She's trying to get me to go back to school. I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready for another failure yet.

I started eating and in turn stopped weighing. I've been bouncing between eating one meal a day to liquid fasting and lets just say my weight is yo-yoing I feel like a fat blimp. I was so scared i would lose control and i fee like i have its a tornado ripping a path of destruction through my life.

I slipped into cutting last week followed by purging. My 6yr old brother walked in on me yesterday thrusting two fingers down my throat and puke hanging from my mouth and dripping from my hands as i screamed at him to "Get out!" thank god he was 6 and had no idea. When did I become so desperate? It's depressing that beauty is seen as skinny in society. I wonder, what is pretty about laxative abuse about vomiting about bones that protrude like jagged knives beneath your layers of clothes? I'm going off on a tangent.

I have a friends house warming/birthday party tomorrow night but I'm going to pull the "i'm sick" card. Socialising sucks!

And last I've been looking at getting a tattoo for maybe the last year? Well I finally decided tonight on what I'm going to get (it's called a black light tattoo). For me its a symbol of hope and freedom. I'm going to see if my tattooist can make it a little more personal though. How I don't know :/. Now comes the hard part left shoulder blade or right? I'm thinking left but my tattoo on my wrist is on the left I don't really want to be unbalanced. 

Disjointed

I had another cry before bed last night my dad telling me he's moving out because of all the fighting (about me). Today my parents are one happy couple again and I've been told I can stay. Wait for the next volcanic eruption I suppose. 

My sister rang me this morning to find out what happened at my appt yesterday she saw me and mum waiting. So I explained the discharge and the fights. She offered me to come over for a few hours at first I declined and then I said to hell with it so I went over we arranged appt's for housing I had cuddles with my niece then tried yet again to buy safe foods. I bought soup. If I can stomach it will be another battle.

Tonight I caved I had 2 pieces of toast and 2 cups of coffee 129 my stomach hurts and I want to throw up not to mention my head. I honestly don't think I can face food again tomorrow it was an awful mistake I'm sure I gained at least 3kilos :'( 

I don't talk about this much but last night I cut myself and ended in a pool of blood I can't believe I've relapsed into sh again and I plan on doing it again tonight once you get a taste for it it's hard to stop it's just so soothing. I feel fat ugly undeserving a glutton a cow greedy I just hate myself. 

I agreed to see a private psychiatrist I'm hoping it will get everyone off my back

My great Poppy's funeral is Monday they're having a viewing I was going to go but once I heard this I got scared and my mum said she probably won't go so I feel like I shouldn't but I didn't go to my great Nanna's funeral and I've regretted it ever since.

This is really disjointed 

Magic pill?

I've spent the afternoon in my room crying. I spent all of last night crying too. I think I'm all dried up like a prune now.

My mum told me last night I was the root to all my families problems. 

I cried.

I had my psych appt today and my anorexia needless to say is overcome with joy. He discharged me. I always knew deep down I was a hopeless case and everyone would give up on me. 

I headed for the gp I didn't even tell him the tests he was supposed to run I didn't see the point I was tired. I am tired.

I got home and cried I had no support. What was I going to do? My resolve? Die.

I went inside and spoke to my mum she asked me if I was going to see jigsaw I said no. She said I needed to call Collins place. Tomorrow. I asked what she had said to peter "I'm getting off the carousel you need to find somewhere else to live now it's time for the kids" I asked how long she said ASAP.

I went back to my room and cried.

I told my dad we needed to talk. I told him I needed money to move out. That mum didn't want me. He said that wasn't true she wanted me to eat. He said everyone had given up on me I needed to help myself. He said I wouldn't get housing as I'm too unstable and can't support myself.

I cried. 

Then I heard my parents fighting. About me. I couldn't make out the words. My little sister told me dad didn't want to kick me out as I didn't have the money and mum didn't care it was my problem.

Then my mum came to my room told me I couldn't rely on eds why wouldn't I just go to jigsaw. Maybe because they wanted to label me bpd which I don't have or maybe it was because they fucked my sister up more maybe it was because I don't like new people maybe it was because they don't actually deal with eating disorders so how were they going to help!? I didn't tell her any of this instead I barricaded up and said "because I don't why don't you go" "because it's your problem, your ruining my life *slams door*" 

Cue more tears

Then I had this thought I have a cocktail of medication olanzapine mirtazapine seroquel lorazepam escitalopram I could easily kill myself solve everyone's problems. I won't it was a spur of the moment desperate thought. But I don't see another solution we're in a gridlock. I will wait for 'nature' to take it's course.

I guess I'm depressed today my world is falling apart and I'm destroying everyone else's while I'm at it. 

I just want it to end. Someone give me a magic pill. Please :'(

Ducking for cover

I spent the morning huddled in my bed trying to get warm and when that effort failed I moved on to the heater still, I was chilled to the core.

I ended up cancelling my psych appt tomorrow. Hollie rang and asked knowingly "so... Your eating and drinking normally you have energy your heart isn't racing?" I coyly said "yeah" she laughed at me and said she wasn't buying it and with a hr 140 I should of been sent to A&E Friday. Which I already knew. She said she wasn't cancelling my appt tomorrow she had moved everything around and got me the first appt on his first day back off leave. Way to make me feel guilty. She said she would continue to support me and that we should make a plan now before I collapse in public or my parents see. She really means well but I just can't deal with the thought of trying to get better again I know what it involves.

I plan to run tomorrow if he tries to admit me I have it all planned.

I feel undeserving fat and gluttonous for no reason except I've stopped taking lax so today I am depriving myself of even my diet coke. It's painful.

My great poppy died today too I haven't even cried the tears have stung my eyes but I just feel numb another thing to add to my crappy life 

I just keep blocking out all the triggers and starving myself the real reasons for my anorexia are too deep and painful to think about 

Desperate

I find myself praying.

Praying I don't wake up in the morning.

Praying I die in the night.

Praying Peter and Hollie and Defne give up on me.

Please don't make me fight. I'm tired. Let me go. I don't want to do this anymore.

Let me die.

Hump day

Hump day. Well kinda. It's not Wednesday but it's hump day of my fast week I started on a Tuesday so Saturdays mark half a week exactly. 3 and a half weeks without a morsel. Sometimes I wonder how I'm still standing. 

Blood test results yet again proved my stance of 'I'm ok' although there are red spots... Everywhere. 

I'm starting to count down the days until Tuesdays appt. Two and a half. I'm dreading it. I'm praying. I'm planning on running away I just haven't figured out where yet. If he admits me after a day of not eating he's sure to admit me after four weeks. Maybe he'll be refreshed after his holiday and give me the benefit of the doubt. Ha. That's what dreams are for. Right? It makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

I start wanting my diet coke at 2am it makes for a very long day but when I finally allow myself the simple pleasure I almost don't want it anymore but if I allow my safe time to pass I know I won't get another opportunity for 24hrs and 24hrs to someone as malnourished and dehydrated as me is like a life time.

I went shopping today it wasn't planned. I rolled out of bed at 1 and decided to buy diet coke a salt lamp and finish my Easter shopping as I fear I won't get another chance. I ended up buying tea and books I didn't need but wanted. It was exciting to be nice to myself. Self indulgent as I deprive myself of everything else I hope the books ease the long nights if I can focus long enough to read more then a page I guess I have a lot of time on my hands.     

I got home and my sister the one I'm not on speaking terms with was here but at least I got to see my niece I've missed her so much she's grown so much and even has teeth! She's 6 months next week. I loved having cuddles with her she reminds me of innocence. Something I wish I still had.

Sorry about yesterday's abrupt end to my post it usually takes me a whole day to write but I didn't have the energy and when I got around to it I felt so overwhelmed.

Also I think my weight is starting to stall which I'm ok with.

Still kicken'

Another day in the life of me although I'd barely call it a life at the moment. I feel like I am dying like actually dying although all the tests suggest I am 'ok' at this point in time. I happen to wonder though after 3 weeks and 3 days of not eating am I really as fine as I say I am? I've lost 12.6 kilos in three weeks I'm faint heart racing can't stand tired but can't sleep cold I want it to end but I keep pushing. My luck and my body.

Well I had another gp appt today my bp was low 109 over something but still normal and my hr was 140 fast but again still normal. He gave me the ultimatum blood test or another appt tomorrow I went with the blood test so I can relax and rest until Tuesday. The pathologist looked at me and said "oh sorry this is a fasting blood test" I replied "I've fasted" "how long" I looked her dead in the eye very seriously and said "3 weeks and 3 days" she didn't look like she believed me so I continued "I have anorexia" I was tired and irritated that I has to go through my medical life with her it was none of her god damn business I just wanted to get home and sink into bed with my diet coke my only reprieve of the day. More then anything I wanted to sleep and my worry to end. But that will have to wait. Once Tuesday is over I can begin to relax as long as Peter lets me free for another week.

My old psychologist rang Hollie asked her to check in and Hollie is checking in Monday they have 'checked in' every day since I was re referred on Tuesday it's getting kinda old I haven't dropped dead yet so everyone STOP WORRYING!

I have so much more on my mind I could write but I'm exhausted mentally so I'm going to leave this a half finished entry sorry guys. I need sleep.

Death warmed up or not so warm

And the days roll on in succession. They are growing longer as my insomnia peaks. Two nights ago I was blessed with two hours sleep. I didn’t appreciate it. Well last night was worse not a wink was slept I stared at my stars on my roof making pictures as their lights dulled the thoughts enveloping my mind consuming me. But there’s something nice about being awake at 2 in the morning knowing the neighbourhood is asleep and my family too I’m the only one awake the silence is deafening you can hear the creek and the frogs croaking. It’s peaceful amongst the buzz of my head.

Today was yet another day where I felt hopeless I was instructed to get a GP appt to check my vitals again yes only a mere day down the track I keep being told I am at a ‘critical stage’ I guess I have to take the professionals word for it. Well I rang three times trying to get an urgent appt with my dr no luck so I asked for anyone at the clinic no luck. I hung my head low.

So I spent the morning in the church reflecting and purging myself of my sins it was quiet I embraced it for once my head wasn’t focused on calories when my next drink would be how many calories I had burned the expectations of me at this stage and what might happen.

I got home where Hollie rang me. Her phone calls are somewhat nice but today I just didn’t care for them she is so worried about me and honestly has my best interest at heart but she’s so pushy im stubborn I have never met a person before that has matched that and probably exceeded it. She said my bloods weren’t great but they hadn’t deteriorated so I have earned my freedom yet again. My body is proving everyone wrong…at this stage. She’s making me see the GP I saw yesterday tomorrow which I am not looking forward to I’m sick of running around like a mad woman I just want to hibernate in my room all day it feels like forever since that yet my life only became hectic as of Tuesday bar Fridays day trip. Given I’m living at home she wanted to call my mum I gave up the fight. Also after my gp appt tomorrow she wants EDS to be rung for an update she keeps reiterating the fact I'm on the verge of an admission and the gp may well sedn me to the hospital. I keep shrugging it off but deep down i know its coming i just want to shun the thought though its too painful to think about

My mum told me hollie had rung she said she wants me to move out she has invested too much time in me in the last two years and gotten no where now its my siblings turn. She is coming to my appt with peter on Tuesday to have her say which to me means they will all just gang up on me section me and force me into hospital… maybe I will cancel?

I am so cold. Today i wore a pair of leggings a pair of trackies a tshirt a woollen cardigan socks and a doona and i was still shivering and freezing Hollie wasn't surprised to say the least. I haven't felt this bad since i was at my lowest weight :( . I'm an emotional train wreck i look like a truck has hit me and i feel like death armed up except...I'm not warm.

I lost 500g today after my diet coke, which is becoming increasingly hard to stomach my mind just won’t let up. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad I hate being ‘fat’ but in all honesty I’m worried I’ve lost 12kilos 27.6pounds in 3 weeks! Something has to give… soon.

I leave you with some pictures 

This is what i think best describes my parents understanding of my Anorexia

 My pretty nails make me feel good about myself at least in one aspect

 My bin mostly full of coke zero cans and bottles my only intake for the past 3 weeks

A-ok live to fight another day

When did I get so sick? I can tell you three weeks and one day ago. Tuesday the 17th of February. What I don't understand is how I got so sick so quickly. It was like this little bouncy ball contained in a room now it's like a hot air balloon in that same room no space for anything but the ball. The anorexia.

I got two hours sleep last night of which was spent tossing and turning. I gave up trying to sleep at 4 instead watching my room turn from night to day. It was beautiful and I was alone I felt free even though my thoughts were on over drive.

Well 9am rolled around and the phone calls began I rang my clinic to see if there was any nurses or gps on none at all. So I had to go to plan b a bulk billing clinic I rang the first one suggested to me and turns out it was going to cost me $70 I hung up. Then I rang the next one on my google search they don't bulk bill first appt's. I hung up in tears scared of what the unit manager would do if I didn't get in to see someone so I rang my old clinic which don't generally bulk bill I said I only wanted an appt if they could bulk bill it was an emergency they said they could do it. Relief.

So I got on the bus and figured out my google maps I was prepared to say the least. I arrived at the hospital and set off the unit manager was half an hour late ringing I was in a state of panic. So I rang her. Which meant I didn't have my map. She was all sweet on the phone as per normal it eased my nerves. I was lost and my heart was racing. She located me on google maps just as I found the street.

I sat in the waiting room he was 20minutes late and I was trying not to fall asleep. He didn't see through my lies of "I'm ok I feel fine" my tachycardia is back but not as bad and he thinks my tongue is all weird as my heart might be dehydrated. He sent me for a blood test. I got lost again Hollie (the unit manager) says "I don't blame your poor little brain it has no energy"

So I went and got keys cut turns out I have to go back one isn't cut properly wtf!? Then I went to the nail salon a treat for myself I felt so out of place there. As I sat and he applied claws my phone rang again. It was Hollie I have to see my gp tomorrow "every day every hour is crucial" she wants to be there I said I didn't care if my bloods are screwed off to hospital they think I'm going (I will run) and apparently my psychiatrist appt has been moved from next Friday to next Tuesday! Way to freak me out I wanted more freedom but I suppose less days to stew. Same deal if my intake hasn't changed she thinks he'll section me.

I got home and my mum asked me to eat I said no I can't do it. She said I need help. So I told her about my plan to see a gp tomorrow. She said you need psych help. So I was left with no choice to tell her about my appt with Peter on Tuesday I just hope she doesn't ask questions I don't want her involved and I don't particularly care to explain.

I'm tired gonna lie here and hope I fall asleep.

Damned if I do damned if I don't

Damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Well I woke up early. I was having the most magnificent dream I was about to eat a greasy fat hot dog  it was gleaming in the dim light. And then, my phone rang. Oh well I suppose I'm on a hunger strike in my dreams too?

I then went back to sleep and was woken again by a dispute agency I had contacted months ago the dispute was long finished so I told them I no longer required their assistance rolled over and went back to sleep.

To be woke  for the third and final time this time it was a follow up triage from Fridays day trip to A&E. She spoke to me about my presentation. What I was eating/drinking. The way I was physically feeling. If I wanted OP support with either jigsaw or EDS (my old team) which I had apparently declined. I declined jigsaw not eds. Well she drew up a new referral and left me saying "given your state they will be in contact very soon" and by very soon I thought she meant a few days.

I was wrong I got a phone call this afternoon from eds unit manager. They're taking me back. Apparently my presentation to A&E was "very serious" and in my current state I was still "very worrisome there are a lot of red spots ie. your liver is starting to fail" oh goodie goodie gum drops just what I always wanted NOT! She has booked me in for the first appt when my old psychiatrist gets back next week Friday 2pm and "if your condition hasn't changed ie.still not eating drinking 1 diet coke a day he will probably see you unfit to make decisions and section you" fucking hell! I ask to be referred and this is what I get! We all know my "condition" won't change. Oh an to add to the joy I was told I need to see a gp I asked to wait until Thursday and try and get an emergency appt with my gp (that's when she's in next) after she told me my 19th of march appt was too far away-which I new but it was worth a try I was bluntly told "no you need to get checked out tonight" I disputed we settled on tomorrow after a long debate back and forth miss cheerful always gets her way. And she got her way. I HAVE to get checked out tomorrow and she's going to check and if my vital are a screw I get a free one way ticket to hospital -.- god I hate her sometimes.

I did do something nice for myself today though I've booked myself in to get my nails done Friday (if I have to get admitted tomorrow I'm taking a detour to the nail salon).

Pushing the limits and venturing out

Down 

Down

Down

Down the pounds

Down the rabbit hole

Where is the up up up?

I feel the anorexia wrap around me like a second skin 

It's chilling warmth

3weeks since I last ate tomorrow

10.6kilos lost

4.3kilos until my goal weight

I can see it

I can smell it

I'm almost there

I just need a little more time

I never imagined getting this small again

It seemed like a dream

Now it seems like a reality

Please lord just give me a little more time

Please sue trust me that I know my body

And it's limits

I'm begin to dare I say it like my body!

Today I was forced on a family outing to Melbourne. They had a huge fest on. The kids loved it initially I hated it but I began to settle. It was ...Fun, relaxing and gave me peace of mind. 

I still felt like everyone was looking at me and whispering "fatty" I guess my opinion and self consciousness grows in times of relapse maybe because I'm more preoccupied with myself? I'm not entirely sure. But I wasn't afraid to run into anyone well almost I was afraid to run into ex patients and nurses but when you stop and think about it the chances weren't all that high in comparison to those of my home town. 

But the food it's a common denominator in many of my posts at the moment it smelt amazing looked saturated in calories (which I could die for right now) and everyone was indulging in it. Except me. I allowed myself a treat though about 200-300mls of icy water. I shouldn't have though because now I know I will gain tomorrow I'm a fat pig like that. I know the rules so why can't I just abide by them?!

Tomorrow I have to look at getting an 'emergency' appointment with my gp which by my standards is not an emergency but I've promised many I would. If she's not in I count my lucky stars if she is I cross my fingers and hope for a miracle. I hate venturing out. I hate socialising. Hence why today was so hard. Especially since I have stopped taking all my meds even the ones that help. Who knows they could make me insatiably hungry have hidden calories make me balloon to the size of a small whale? WHO KNOWS!? There's too many temptations too many ways to break the rules too many people I could run into. There's just simply too much!

I officially withdrew from school today. And I got my first assignment result 1 out of 1 passed. That made my night and yet saddened me somehow that I can't still be studying and achieving and making a life for myself it's overwhelming just thinking about :'(

Anyway it's almost midnight so I'm gonna hit the hah goodnight my lovelies

*Trigger warning* food mentioned

My body is changing and so it should be I suppose with 10.4kg lost in a matter of three weeks. My periods stopped for six weeks, I'm constantly cold, my stomach is flatter, my collar bones are showing, my hips dig into my bed, I'm getting a thigh gap back, I'm fitting into my 'skinny clothes' again just but still, if I suck in I can see my ribs, my arms aren't as flabby they actually look 'healthy' not fat like actually fat! Still a long way to go but, I'm seeing small improvements.  

I'm where I left off on Thursday before the saline and potassium weight gain so now I can focus on losing again. I've lost 200g nothing right? but 200g is 200g I'll take it. That's a small block of chocolate! :D

The days were passing by in succession in a haze one moment it was here the next it was gone. Now they've slowed I'm sleeping late sleeping most of the day praying when I wake it'll be over to realise a mere hour or two or three has passed and I still have 8hrs until 'bed time'. 

I'm hiding in my room theory behind that is if my parents can't see me they won't know when I pass out good in thought until they summon me inside to socialise it's so damn boring in here nothing to do except count the hours. I'm kinda hoping they summon me inside but in here there's no temptation to eat. I'm safe.

*Time lapse* And I went inside I couldn't deal with it anymore and now I'm stuck in another room smelling their pizza and sausage rolls wondering how long will it be before I eat something? It's triggered binge thoughts I know will never happen butter chicken and saffron rice, Hawaiian and garlic pizza, burgers, chips and gravy, chicken, nuggets, potato gems, sushi, party pies with tomato sauce, a steaming bowl of peas and corn, porridge, sticky date pudding, subway, mud cake, jam donuts, pumpkin soup and bread, KFC potato and gravy, souvlaki, Kiev balls, whipped cream, caramel slice, chocolate frappe, popcorn, pancakes and maple syrup, profiteroles, tiramisu, ice cream sundae, nachos and sour cream, avocado vegemite and cheese toastie, roast pork crackle and gravy rolls or even just roast veggies would do and apple sauce. Omfg food is everywhere...except in my god damn body.

I am so angry I've relapsed it has ruined everything and I'm missing out on simple pleasures I want to nourish my body instead of living on diet coke. I'm sick of this illness I want my life back. 

Dichotomy

Anorexia haunts me. It brings me to my knees. I think of what a waste this is of my life. It keeps me on my toes. Maybe even thrills me? I don't know.

This time I've become ill it's different. I want to be well. I do.But I also need to hold anorexia close one last time. I need to know it's the last time and then, let it go.

I question why am I doing this? I know where the beginning and end is. I know what happens and yet I go back time and time again. I just want to eat and be healthy and happy but I can’t. I can't have it both ways it seems. Teach me how you do it? 

My life turned from ill to healthy to a new beginning to a living nightmare all in the space of 7 months. 7 months since my last relapse 6 months since my last hospital admission 3 months since my last discharge 2 months since my new beginning and now 3 weeks since my latest relapse into hell. It's been a journey and I've ruined all the hard work all the progress I made towards recovery.

Out of desperation last night and hopelessness ready to give up and succumb to my anorexia I had one more fight left in me. I rang Melbourne health triage to see about getting an admission there. They told me I need to see my gp to get a referral and regularly as I'm in a "very dangerous situation" I said I would and being a women of her word I will attempt to. When I become medically compromised again 2-3 weeks down the track I will be presenting to Melbourne for treatment I have lost all hope in Geelong. 

I gained 600g since Thursday I was pumped with 2l worth of fluid yesterday which means I should of gained 2kg I gained 600g which means, I've lost weight and water weigh is a sinch to lose so it'll be gone and more in no time woo hoo. Weighing is becoming a constant again. It dictates what I can do ie. today I was only allowed 250mls of diet coke (as I 'gained') after 5pm (usually 3-4pm) and it had to take me at least 10minutes to drink it took me 20. 

Rules rules rules = 'gains' 'gains 'gains

I'm going to move my box tonight where all my belonging are packed so I can start my excessive exercise again. I'm awake at 3am twiddling my thumbs so I'm gonna go for a walk. It brings me such satisfaction that I can be so controlled and deprive my body of everything it needs. I will be superhuman.

I learnt a new word today dichotomy means polar opposites and my brain dictionary increases  :) very appropriate for today's blog post though I believe

Night peeps 

The big decision. And the end.

So I didn't post yesterday not a lot happened. Well that's a lie a lot happened I just don't know where to begin so I'll keep this short.

The usual happened I was tired so I slept for a good majority of the day.

I was exhausted after simple tasks I.e tickling my little brother.

And I binge watched eating disorder documentaries. Interventions as they called them. One struck a cord with me and had me in tears she was 18 female had bulimia and was hell bent on destroying her life. I'm 19 anorexia and hell bent on destroying my life. I dunno I could just relate a lot all the built up anger the family 'giving up' it was just too much. I chose to shut it off after I broke down.

I rang a helpline (this is becoming a regular) it was as the name suggests though. Helpful. I had a big decision and she helped me make it. She also offered to give me ongoing support. I obliged. She was nice caring female (I connect with them better) and even made me laugh.

The decision? As much as I hate to do it I'm admitting myself to hospital today. It's no longer fair on my family. I'm waiting in emergency as I type. They may not admit me as I'm not medically compromised which suits me just fine but if they do I may not be able to post for a while so for the short term I think it best to say "goodbye" I'll update as soon as I can xx

UPDATE: hey, hi, I'm back! Long time no see... Jks sorry guys I have a dry sense of humor right now. Well I went to hospital I stayed. Turned out I was medically compromised but not enough to warrant an admission. I presented dehydrated tachycardia and low potassium they fixed that up with saline and potassium infusions (2l later they think I'm all fixed I think they're delusional) I was also hypoglycaemic but refused glucose treatment I was threatened with a tube sectioning and being force given IV glucose I played the "I'm voluntary card" I won. 

I was offered a place in swanno initially scared I declined she was fine with that after going away and thinking about it I thought this is ridiculous I came here for help I reneged and was told "ring jigsaw for op treatment we are no longer offering you a place" so after I was discharged I went back and presented to A&E to see psych triage I hung around for about 30-45mjnutes before residing I give up this is pointless I fighting a losing battle nobody wants to help me and deep down I don't want to help myself so I up and left without telling them it was the best comeback I could come up with pathetic right. 

Well I got home and missed a call from them. They wanted to "make sure your ok" I felt obliged to ring them back so I did I explained what had gone on that I give up and will go home until I pass out he said take it day by day you have our number. In as many words I told him to blow it out his ass. So that's the conclusion. I will go home continue to starve myself and deprive myself of hydration until I pass out I figure I have a few more weeks up my sleeve now I've been "hydrated" take laxatives tonight and tomorrow and I'll solve that problem and be right back at square one.

Home sweet home... Or not so sweet

Where do I begin? It's been an adventurous day to say the least.

At present I am some 38,000 feet plus some in the air. Looking out across a vast barren land. I'm returning home. I have a hopeful feeling and deep in the pit of my stomach even more powerful a feeling of fear and dread. Hopeful that I can go home and resume a 'normal' life. A fear of what is to be and the dread of the impending 'talk' my parents are bound to confront me with.

I had to ring and withdraw from school today. What a sad day it is. I'm leaving behind the new life I struggled so hard to build for what? Anorexia the gut wrenching family destroying disease that encapsulates my every being.

I've been awake since 3am. I couldn't stop thinking "I'm going to go home and pass out and get admitted it's a matter of time I don't want to go back to hospital but I can't make myself eat as much as I may want to! Food is so tantalising and yet repulsive. It makes me feel sick like I'm going to physically throw up sick"

I passed out 4 times yesterday alone. I hate this waiting game because your staring reality in the face and can't do anything I haven't eaten for two weeks! Last time I made it 4wks and my kidneys started to fail (and a further week in hospital without eating or being tube fed) how long can I go this time before my body gives up on me? I'm hoping at least another week or two. The feeling of passing out is both scary and euphoric it means I'm that one step closer to an admission I so DON'T want but it means I'm doing something 'right' for lack of a better word.

I rang a helpline yesterday and told them everything it was so relieving until they told me they had traced my call and it was my choice I could comply and let them ring my case worker or I could not comply and they would do something even more extreme. I complied. They rang my case worker who was happy I was going home because id "get into hospital faster" :(. But she still didn't do anything even though she said if my body started deteriorating she would admit me. What? Do I have to be doing dying!? I am dying. Realistically speaking. I don't really care I don't want to go to hospital especially not now I'm not ready.

I didn't take laxatives last night becuase of my impending trip... Tmi! ...I shit my pants...literally OMG i could of died of embarrassment wtf! ;'(

Initially I wanted to go home having maintained my weight at least had I lost weight that would of been a bonus leaving the "holiday from hell" I am 8kilos (17.6pounds) lighter! 8 kilos in 2 weeks (yesterday)! fuck yeah! And who said not eating you couldn't lose weight? They were wrong wrong wrong I tell you. I don't know how I will survive another week or more like this but I have to exceed last time I have to that is my goal every time i relapse to last longer whether it be out of hospital or fasting it must.be.longer! I must prove people and my body wrong I can handle this shit! And by NO means do I condone this behaviour if your like me GET HELP get out as fast as you can run like nobodies business (metaphorically not literally)

I'm drinking shitty instant black coffee that's been stewing for way too long on the plane as we speak but I feel like puking up everything that is in my stomach which happens to be nothing! So I will drink this coffee as guilt free as I can. (I drank 125mls but hey it's a diuretic positive much?) I'm staring at an egg and lettuce sandwich that looks delicious but I really can't afford to eat :( . Torment that's what this is!

I had a disaster at the airport. My luggage weighed too much so I had to pay $30. So all up the trip cost me $130 not bad. Then I had to go through security three times first I forgot I had my phone in my pocket then I forgot i had my laptop in my bag and then I forgot I had scissors in my bag I surrender them I thought not worth it I can buy another pair for $5 well that was a fun adventure an. What have I learnt? Don't travel.

So that's it my day in a very long nutshell. And it's only quarter past two I will update when I get home. If I have the energy.

UPDATE: And the storm just hit. My dad said my mum had rung eds and was waiting for a phone call back that I have to link in with them again. I told him I've been discharged and they don't want me. He said he's not making me go to hospital but it's inevitable when I pass out he's ringing an ambulance. He said I must have a plan about my life did I really hate the course and being in qld so much. What was my 'plan'. He said he'd rather me take myself to hospital. I refused. I had no answers he gave up and threw his hands in the air you wanna know my plan? Hide in my room with the door locked so he can't see me pass out. He just messaged me and told me to have a think about what I'm goin to do over the coming weeks and come and discuss it with him and mum because that's how adults communicate. Screw him

Gaah I'm so angry I'm living in a house where nobody wants me and I'm just a burden I'm living on borrowed time so to speak screw everyone.

Too and Fro is almost a go

My life is like a horror film on repeat I can't shut it off.

My mum just rang me last night. I purposely didn't answer her phone call. She left a message. That I should "come home and go to hospital" fuck her fuck that screw everyone I refuse to go to hospital I refuse to seek treatment from this moment on!

Then my grandma came into my room this morning and told me she had spoken to my dad last night. My dad wants me to start looking at going home today that I need to go to hospital because I'm "killing myself" and I'm just getting worse this has been the "pattern of your life for the past three years" I told her I'm not booking to go home if they want me home so bad they can book it. See I'm (or my anorexia which is a part of me whatever) am not wanted. I was told I'm not trying haven't been trying and why didn't I just come home Saturday when I was booked?

Life is fun

Life sucks

Then the rest of the day took place, my poppy in NSW is very sick we don't know whats wrong yet.  

He was transfered from his little rural country bumpkin hospital to the nearest major hospital in Sydney

My granddad then told me i need to "grow up and be mature get on with life and make an effort" and that I wasn't allowed to go home as my family is already under too much stress with my poppy being ill.

My dad rang me and told me its not fair on my grandparents for me not to be not eating any longer and told me to book a flight home either tomorrow or the next day. I didn't argue. I'm going home tomorrow i get in at 4.20pm. I'm praying for an end soon

So the long start to my next episode of recovery starts tomorrow :( please don't make me go to hospital. I know i passed out  on you today but nobody saw nobody knew. Please body hold out on me I'm begging you.

My friend back home that triggered me with her uncompliance when we were in treatment and whom i think i trigger (every time i tell her i've relapsed a mere few days later she comes clean that she has, coincidence?) was admitted to hospital yesterday and sectioned under the Mental Health act (her bodies just shit and can't deal with the strain of anorexia unlike mine no my body isn't superhuman it just holds out longer and better but when it comes crashing down it comes crashing down hard!) anyway she absconded so i called the police on her (what a shit friend i am? but she would of done the same for me) anyway they found her and now she's in hopsital. I'm dreading going back because if (and if we're going to be realistic when) I get admitted we will be there together again. Disastrous combination we are.

Blah what a day

My medical adventures

Today I had to face up to my fears. I had to front up to my new psychologist that heard my desperate pleas for help on friday. I sat there swinging my legs burning as many calories as I could out of anticipation. I read the poster on the wall that I'm beginning to memorise. And soon she emerged from a corridor off to the side of reception. She greeted me warmly and then sprung it on me she was going to weigh me. And the anxiety hightened. She recalled me shaking. A 5.2kg drop in two weeks. She was noticeably worried.

She ushered me into a room I was unfamiliar with (the first and second time I had been there we had been in the same room I'm one who doesn't like change in 'familiar environments' this is going to be one of those 'environments') The room was blank it had three chairs and a little white desk in a room with bare walls. I sat there swinging my legs having a mental breakdown on the inside dreading ever turning up. What was she going to say about friday? It was bound to come up in conversation thankfully she left this matter to the end.

She did the get to know you thing all clinicians do in the initial appointments. She took a diagram of my family and asked about the family dynamics who I clashed with and who I got along with most. Simple I couldn't land myself in hot water with that question. And I didn't. She asked about my sleeping pattern my daily routine. Simple stuff that eased my anxiety of being in a place I wasn't too sure I wanted to be.

Then came the end She got me to fill in questionnaires where I questioned my answers and how they would be interpreted I didn't want to be labelled again with depression or something of the likes because of a few silly questions so i censored my answers yet still tried to be as open as i could be. Closing the session she commented on how I seemed to want help despite my ambivalence she said she couldn't admit me...yet. She was only just getting to know me. She offered instead twice weekly appointments and physical monitoring and said she would get me in to see the psychiatrist as quickly as she could (Which will be two thursdays down the track) and if there was any deterioration then we would look at an admission. One part of me wants it but the other part the bigger part is scared of an admission of being made to gain back all that water weight that has melted off.

I waked home. And on the way I decided to book in to see my gp. A 2.30 appointment was available. So I took it. Again the anxiety peaked I tried to sleep it off to no avail. I started walking down when i saw my grandma returning from her morning out. So I got a lift down. Thank heavens (I forgot to mention the dizzies have officially returned). I sat in the waiting room like I have so many times before the receptionists beginning to know me by face and name. Soon I was called in "what can i do for you today you didn't go home?" "I need my obs checked and bloods again" "Ok" And off he tottered putting cuffs around my arm pressing the machine. All within normal limits a slight drop in bp and increase in hr but nothing he seemed fussed about which makes me begin to think all of this is just in my head. It is, right? He then did a full physical examination I was NOT expecting that one apparently everything was a-ok despite my not feeling it. then he ordered the bloods. I was relieved to get out of there.

I went next door to get my bloods taken the woman asking "Why are you on a pension your so young" So I openly told her "I have anorexia, I haven't eaten for two weeks" her jaw dropped. She took my bloods tentatively and told me she could barely go two hours without eating let alone two weeks she asked "How are you still functioning?!" I said "Coffee and diet coke" upon completion and leaving she said to me now "go eat a hamburger" I laughed and went and bought a diet coke.

I walked home diet coke in hand. Once I got home my granddad slyly remarked "You've had a busy medical day, I hope it's done something". The simple response...."no"

I was given about five double sided sheets to write down my dietary intake between now and thursday my new case worker laughing saying "You'd be lucky to fill up one" She damn sure is right there. Food logs always make me more conscious of what I'm eating and lead me to eat less for fear of judgment and scrutiny that I may be the gluttonous pig my mind tells me I am.

Curiosity got the cat

I fear my body is beginning to fail me. I still feel almost ok.
I'm still standing
I'm still breathing
That has to be a good sign right?

My granddad is a dr so he has all his doctor-ey stuff lying about his office stethoscopes bp machines yeah everything you need to build your own gp clinic in a home. Well he drifted off to sleep after lunch and curiosity got the cat. Was my pulse still low? (I honestly was surprised to hear it was on Tuesday as it is NEVER low high but not low!) how was my bp holding up?

Well sitting there with the cuff around my arm door pulled over ears on high alert I pressed start. The cuff tightened and made a slight buzzing sound. Please don't let anyone hear. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. A few seconds later the results were in.
Sitting bp: 146/96
Sitting hr: 149

So then of course I had to do the standing one see if there was any change or if my mind was just making up the fact that I was dizzy upon standing and lethargic from the simple task of walking from the front door to the back room. Again I pressed start and the cuff strangled my arm like it was trying to kill something. Again a few seconds later the results were in.
Standing bp: 126/102
Standing hr: 166

That's a 20 systolic drop! Now I'm faced with the fear do I make a gp appointment tomorrow what if it straightens up by tomorrow? No one will believe me and I sure as hell can't tell anyone I've been checking it because if I knew something was wrong I should just pick up the fork or spoon or whatever and just eat something! If only it was that easy. I would be a millionaire with a quick fix to anorexia sufferers.

I haven't eaten today and nor have I been expected to thank heavens I can't deal with the anguish of another argument. My dad was looking for one last night but I just didn't have the energy and hung up and ignored the following txts. Why does everyone want to fight with me in time I will sort my shit out. I always do. Just hang on and give me a while!

I'm praying for tomorrow that they admit me yet I'm panicking they might and I will have to concur. I want help but then I don't.

My head is torment anyone want to swap for a day or so so I can have some reprieve