In heaven

I didn't weigh this morning on account of feeling fat because i ate an extra 175g soy yoghurt last night when i went out to the beach with my friend. Yeah she ate yoghurt for dinner now thats my kinda style. But i don't think i'll be able to resist weighing tomorrow. I've eaten 100g of chips and its 2.30. and then i can skip dinner if i so do choose as it's footy night for the kids so no parental supervision. Sweet relief.

Stumbling.

Tripping.

Slipping.

Falling.

Head first. But I'm happy. Life is finally coming together. I'm moving out, I don't totally hate my body, I'm looking at getting a job, going back to school. All these things take time but I have a flame thats growing inside of me.

6 months ago i had a black storm cloud that incased my life it bought torrential rain and now its a little plume of black splatter that comes from the exhaust pipe when your car back fires. It is growing as the weather gets colder I won't lie but maybe this time I can control it? I know what your thinking "has she totally lost her mind? Has she not learnt anything about the law of physics in the last 5 years?" My answer; no, no I haven't. I like to live in my own little world of denial where the world is full of puppy dogs lollipops and rainbows.

I had my DSP appt Monday where my participation plan was reviewed. I was exempt from looking for work. I was told i didn't have to see matchworks. I got a letter in the mail today advising me of my approaching appointment, with matchworks. *cue breakdown*. I re-pieced myself together and rang them they told me to ring centrelink they told me to ring matchworks as they couldn't withdraw the activity but as far as they could see it wasn't compulsory as long as i attend counselling and centrelink appointments and if i didn't turn up my payments would be cancelled. *cue second breakdown*. I rang matchworks and they amended the situation in about 5 seconds flat. Hooray.

Someone up in heaven is looking out for me at the moment.

UPDATE: I lost 300g 1.8kilos in two days. Hunni I'm home

A tale of loss and gain

I feel like i need to vent i've been bottling this up and putting on the facade everything is rosie. And sure its better then say 6 months ago when the depression started to hit. But I want to be the person i proclaim to be and i know thats unrealistic noone can be happy all the time but I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to be the good little girl i'm supposed to be. Perfect. Flawless. Recreating myself. 

It has only just dawned on me I am so 'recovery' focused at the moment but, nothing has changed! I'm not taking my meds which is effecting my sleep and anxiety, i eat <800 cals a day (on average i sit somewhere around 4-600) And most of my calories come from soft things yoghurt, soy icecream, coffee, tea, smoothies, soup (safe things) and a small bread and butter plate for dinner, I'm obsessing over walking a lot I average 7-8k a day, I weigh myself countless times a day i hate weighing after i've consumed anything but my brains saying "oh to hell with it" i need to see the damage but my weights staying fairly stable, I'm a neat freak and with my uprooting over the last couple months my room got into a state i didn't want to clean (well thats not true I wanted to clean but was scared to clean) in case i needed to get out quick I was struggling to even enter my room so i deep cleaned it took me 3 hrs but i have a huge weight lifted but i found laxatives about 75pills and i weighed myself after eating a bigger day 800cal and my weight had increased about 500g i couldn't handle it mind you i hadn't been to the toilet in about 3 days and my period is 6weeks late and could come at any moment so now i'm back on the lax wagon wheel after about 6weeks off them -.- i never last long.

I just want to be ok but when i sit back and look at everything i'm still as eating disordered as ever maybe i've just lapsed back into denial? I don't want to admit that in reality I have made NO improvements! Zero. None. My OCD has just gotten several times worse and i'm not sleeping. I just feel like i'm making everything up maybe my AN is cured because i'm happier and don't have this huge black cloud looming and can see a life but it just doesn't add up, these behaviours all indicate I am still 'sick'! :(

I'm now happily counting down the days until I move out (roughly) 60. Freedom come at me bitches. I am planning my decent. I have been told so many times my happiness is the only one that should matter.

I think what set me off is about 4 days ago I weighed at night after a 'bigger' day I had gained weight about 1.3kilos (2.86lbs). I was at an 'unsafe' weight. It has been nagging at me I was trying not to let the scales rule like my gp suggested. I should have just kept weighing seen the damage and put a stop to it. Then I wouldn't be in this spin.

I weighed last night same deal except it had been a fairly low cal day and I was still 1.3kgs (2.86lbs) up. Hence my revelation. I got up this morning looked in the mirror could both visibly see and feel my ribs my flat stomach my teeny tiny thigh gap and my favourite my collar bones or my 'handle bars' (when I get anxious I grab on to them like handle bars lol). Well, I bit the bullet and did my first real weigh in, in about a week AND hallelujah praise the lord I was down 1.5kg (3.3lbs) so an extra 200g (.44lbs) *cue dancing*

But I'm still pretty set on self destruction I just have to keep it together until then. Losing a few 100gs a day until then would be nice not to subtlety I don't even care if I don't achieve that BUT, I WILL NOT gain anymore then 600g! It's just crippling :'(

I'm so sorry guys what happened to me? :'(

I'm wearing a size 12 au skinny jeans! They fit! Tears of happiness. They are one size bigger then what i wore at my lowest weight. 45kilos (99lbs) I didn't expect them to fit i tried them on on a wim

Also I said yes to my friend and she said yes to me we are gonna start house hunting in 2-3wks and look at moving last week of August so less then 2months! Omg yes! :D FREEDOM

This is my teeny tiny thigh gap (my feet are together)



Today just gets better...

 

Conjuring

I had a meeting with my case manager and the register today. I put on my happy face. The one i have on most days not many people see the real me anymore. Back to the old me. The farce. I told her I'm more positive and upbeat (no lie) then i told her I was taking all my meds (lie) then i told her i got rid of my stock pile meds (lie) and she was so happy, "improvements" she says. I want to i just don't have the guts. I'm scared. Scared of everything mess, breaking routine, meds, foods, leaving the house, sleeping, appointments, brushing my teeth, opening my curtains. Everything! One of these days *sighs*. No more med reviews now for a few months unless i want one. I want my gp in charge again so i'm thinking of discontinuing but i'll wait until i see peter on july 6th before i decide. Hopefully seeing him i will come away with clarity. I even want to cancel that appointment what if he judges me what if i'm a lost cause what if what if WHAT IF!?

I then went to get my eyes checked i had been dreading it it makes me so anxious i know my eye sight has decreased but what if they think its all in my head??? I sat their shaking with cold and hot flushes. Well i bit the bullet and, i need stronger glasses. I'm glad I'll be able to see again without headaches or straining but man the money! Glasses cost $300 then i have to pay my mum for my coffee machine $70 next thursday i get paid $600 so thats half gone! glasses are a need coffee machine is a want that i need lol. And then i have no debts yay. 

I said yes to my friend today too! she hasn't said anything to me since though so maybe she doesn't want me anymore? I know this isn't true but you start to conjure up all sorts of things when your waiting for an important response. Just breathe bec

Making room

Well, well, well. It's been a while i've had a record 4 posts this month and the months nearly over D: so sad. I will try to be more regular. Sometimes i just land myself in a hole. I just can never find the words or something anyone would even be slightly interested in reading about. I don't write this blog for other people (well that's sort of true i started it as a means to show others they're not alone) but its turned into a bit of a diary. A place to freely vent without judgement. Something i loved to do was document my life. And then I got so nit picky i stopped and turned to blogger.

Anyway whats news? Let. Me. Tell. You.

My parents got home and i think i learned one thing whilst they were away. I will forever treasure my cousins nieces nephews BUT kid's and I, I don't think are really...compatible? I like to be able to give them back aha. It was fun though whilst it lasted but i was so exhausted by the end of it i didn't think I'd ever be that happy to see my parents walk through the door. I was.

I got drunk with my friend marathoning orange is the new black (I'm also binge watching American horror stories at the moment, my weak spots). Anyway she fell asleep and her Xbox stopped playing the show so i couldn't continue to watch i was so disappointed i woke my friend up she opened her eyes groaned at me and rolled back over. Cue attempt two i got on my hand and knees crawled to the other side of the couch repeated her name and poked her again same result i lost my footing (or kneeing) and fell. On top of her. Right into her boobs! I couldn't get back up so, i fell asleep. There. Right there! We had a good laugh about it in the morning and still today.

My last bit of slightly interesting news is. Said friend told me she was moving out in september. She asked me to move in with her and then reneged saying she needed to think about it (i think i posted about this last time). Well last night i got a message. It was her. She said se had made up her mind and would like me to move in with her. She told me I was "amazing" and she loved me. I felt so touched and loved. My heart i swear skipped a beat. Or 10. Rewind a week, when my mum got back from her holiday i told her my friend was moving out in september it was just trivial information. The following day she asked me if i was moving in with her i stopped stuttered and said something along the lines of "it's been briefly spoken about but nothings set in stone and she's not sure if she wants too and i'm not sure if I want to". Well this morning out of the blue my mum asked me if I was going to move in with her. I'm torn i don't know if i want to. More or less I'm scared. I don't want to ruin our relationship. I don't know if i can support myself. Transport is crap where she wants to move. I don't want to hurt my friend if i get sick and lose her. But, i love the area, i trust my friend, its a good step towards independence, and i won't be lonely. It's a big decision one that CAN'T be made over night, so i was going to keep this information that my friend had decided to myself. But I'm a shocker of a liar so i said "she asked me last night but i'm not sure" so i continued to list my fears. My mum was quick on her feet (or tongue) and said "I think you should move in with her, it would be a good first step for you, and there's always public transport, and you've got time to save". I think she's just trying to get rid of me and i guess my home life is volatile but i don't want to miss the boat with my friend. But its cheap here i have no responsibilities and i'm trying to get my life together is it really smart to uproot? I kinda just want to stay here to spite my mum haha. Maybe I'm just over thinking all of this?

Decisions. Decisions.

God it feels so nice to write a post which isn't about my anxiety or my anorexia or my homelessness or my loneliness or how my life is ruined. Don't get me wrong these thoughts and struggles are still there but I'm making room for happiness.

Late nights early mornings

It 1.20am on Monday the 15th of June. Another early post. Sleep evades me I just can't nod off and when I eventually do I want an eternal slumber. But alas each day I wake with my new found ember of hope. The day fills me with both anxiety and excitement. I'm one day closer to reaching my goals and that means facing my fears. My friend is peacefully snoring next to me. The sound of purity. I like these early morning or late nights it quite my thoughts just stop for a moment and I can collect myself. Everything just stops.

I'm actually in the process of babysitting. Which requires a lot of time. And energy. Yesterday we went to the beach and played footy had an ice cream and played on the park we didn't get home until about 8pm. Today we went to the beach for a walk and went to a cafe for afternoon tea again we weren't home until 7pm. This is a cause for anxiety for me meal times have specific times that must be adhered to otherwise, I panic. Well dinner hasn't been until about 9 cooking to perfection meals I have never even attempted before I'm 'winging it' as the saying goes and I'm pretty damn happy. I'm a good cook to be honest I just don't have a lot of faith in myself especially with no recipe or supervision. 

My friend came over tonight so we chatted for hours. She wants me to adopt a dog. I want to adopt it. If I don't she's going to get put down. She's only a puppy not that there's an excuse for any animal to be put down except to put them out of pain. She's moving out in September and we both want to go raw (vegan) it has been said 21 days to make or break a habit. I don't know how true this is but I'm a thorough believer. So she offered me to stay with her so we can do it together. I told her my plans get my drivers license move out get a job and go back to my nursing none of these will happen overnight but I'm working towards them. She's really supportive. Hell she even suggested moving in with her in 9-10weeks omg hell yes please! So yep it might be happening for real stability and independence. 

Life is falling into place and with each day I'm feeling stronger (and less suicidal). I have my ups my downs my moments but I'm still alive and, I'm loving life for once I genuinely feel happy! 

Ps. We're getting drunk Tuesday night what a plan aye? I'm worried about the cals but looking forward to a good night with my girl god I love her how was I ever so lucky 

So not looking forward to waking up only a few more hours and I have to get the kiddlywinks ready for school -.-

Hunt or be hunted

My weight is up and down its a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from up and down the same 10kilos which is a big gap a lot of that is water weight. I want it to end why were scales invented why did I develop anorexia why must this stupid number dictate and mean so much to my life???

Today (well yesterday) I came to the realisation eating disorders are like the saying hunt or be hunted kill or be killed. We must kill it before it kills us we must chose recovery before we become the next statistic.

I'm still not coping. I'm counting down until my next fast before I can drop this weight before I can drop dead when can I stop eating next when will I be 'safe' when will everything be right again? Will it ever be right? Will I ever be comfortable? Will my life ever be the same again? Boy I wish I was 16 I wish I didn't go through weight restoration mind restoration yes but even that didn't work for me :'(

I'm just one big mess

I think I'm going to lie here and listen to the rain on my roof until I fall asleep or dive into my medicine bag 

Why do I crave oblivion? Why does overdosing provide me with the feeling I crave so much the in and out of consciousness the floaty airy feeling the in and out of life and death where your life hangs in the balance and a true test of your body. I wish I had never been found :'( 

Life sucks nobody wants to help me I've given up on myself a one man battle isn't worth the fight. And my dad messaged me yesterday saying he's glad I'm home getting stronger and he will love me as long as he's alive.

Fighting is so hard I don't even know what I'm fighting for anymore. I don't want to fight.

Today's achievements

I read on another blog a post. She asked what have you done today?

Well I have a reply for you if you read my blog ruby.

Today; I too got out of bed a feat in itself when I am constantly trying to make my bed (or grave) and lie in it

Today; I didn't misuse my meds or try and overdose like my brain keeps telling me is a fantastic idea when I know it most certainly is not

Today; I spoke to my 'case manager' as much as I resent her I resent new relationships I resent being left I resent having to get to know someone new pretend to be happy and everything rosy I resent her for having her life so together holding down a job living life! She's about 4yrs older then me and I can't even imagine being alive tomorrow let alone at her age

Today; I moved home! My mum doesn't want me but my dad does. He probably just misses the money if I'm to be honest with myself

Today; I decided I would look at going back to my nursing studies something that made me truly happy and excites me at the bare thought

Today; I decided I'd try to get a job something to drive me and give me a bit of self worth

Today; I decided to put five fingers up at anorexia and wave good bye! It's something I've been trying to do for weeks months years but losing my friends family home job school is driving me more then ever before I would rather die then be lonely and boy did I try!

Today; I ate I puked (involuntarily) but none the less I ate!

So I'm going to keep this post running in the blogosphere. What have you done today?

Sleeping beauty and the chemist

So Melbourne was a lot of fun. The medical team and eating disorder ward all wanted me admitted for medical monitoring. But the psych team thought it best to discharge me back into the safe arms of my little friends depression anxiety and anorexia.

Life isn't really looking any more up then a week ago let alone 3 years ago when this merry-go-round first started to pop his head into my life.

I am now on weekly med dispensing to deter me from ODing although my gp consoled me today by reminding me even my one week of meds could kill me. The reassurance I really needed. It's not like I didn't know it but, I didn't need it confirmed.

I went to pick my meds up today and the chemist stuffed up they gave me 9000mg of seriquel yep 9000 I'm only supposed to have 1400 for a week. Looks like someone may be going to the coroners court. Stupid chemist I love you.

I'm so exhausted from trying to live life. I just want to curl up and sleep for eternity. I should probably stop trying. But it's so nice to drift in and out of consciousness. In and out of life and death.