Porn

I told you I wouldn't be able to post much due to our new internet settings. And, I was right.

I honestly haven't done much at all this week to update you on and I sparsely see the point in trying to lengthen out a whole lot of nothing. I have been sitting on my fat ass watching porn shows not that sort of porn the auction type porn shows.

I went to the movies today and found myself smothered in AN thoughts. I went out last night to to a cricket function and I met a guy a year younger then me he was really nice we're now chatting on fb.

I also got burnt so i'm like a crispy chicken at the moment. Fried.

Anyway that's literally it I have outpatients on tuesday as long as I can hold myself together until then I will discontinue with outpatients and continue on my anorexic merry way I'm going to try restricting over pure fasting and maybe look at rentals?

A quicky

So yesterday I discharged against medical advice 9 days shy of my pre planned discharge date I just felt myself slipping and needed to stop it because the ED unit weren't (I believe) equipped to deal with my relapses. So I'm on track...for now.

I have little to say except it will be hard to keep my regular posting my dad changed the internet password so now I have to ask to go online :P .

My mum told me today that if I'm planning on relapsing I need to start organising and paying for my funeral because her and dad don't have the money to pay for it. It was really hurtful and hard to take on board even if I know where she's coming from. And I do just wish my Anorexia would hurry up and kill me. But its a slow process a process I don't want my family seeing.

I'm looking at doing school next year in melbourne so I can move and still not be too far away from good treatment or my family. Next step getting my drivers license!

Anyway I'm off now to investigate school xx

Rebecca's, epiphany

Ward round as one may have remembered. And it didn't go my way so I've thrown a tanty. I've gone on a hunger strike. But I have yet again come to the conclusion that it just won't get me nowhere I want to go! So I'm ballsing up and drinking my ensure. My safer option when I'm just not in the mood to eat. It was a plan I came up with to help me achieve 'recovery'. 

I rang my dad earlier today and asked him to pick me up regardless of what the team had suggested and he was angry with me for not taking there word into account the thing is though I had already run through all the scenarios in my head. 

The only reason it would be against medical advice which I asked specifically about is because there is still "more to the program like cooking and outing". I don't want to do cooking here because I feel overwhelmed and I just don't like engaging in old behaviours I actually enjoyed once upon a time ago. And I don't want to do outing because I went on leave with a friend yesterday and that was so much nicer and less intimidating. Plus I don't even like the lady who does outing she's just not involved in my care at all. 

I've so gone off on a tangent lol anyway the point was my dad and I argued so I'm staying another night. But I've been trying all arvo to rope him into picking me up tomorrow he said he can but it won't be until lunch time. I was OK with that otherwise I was going to look into a taxi voucher but I'm not sure it would get me to another city. 

And now I'm back at the time where I don't know what the right thing to do is. Well in actual fact I know what the right thing to do is that would be to wait it out the next 9 days but I really don't know what I am going to get out of another 9 days if I don't want to be here in the first place.

I just had supper and opted to eat on the neuro psych side it was much more relaxing I think I am going to eat over there from now on. They even have filtered water! Big thing here the ed side had our water fountain taken away because people were purging in it. Anyway I had a great talk with my contact nurse who didn't judge and accepted and actually helped me work through my thoughts and I think the right decision is to leave! I'm ready and I'm not going to become anymore ready in 9 days then I am now.

There's a new patient today (2 actually) and one of there names is Rebecca I find this quite confronting because I still live under my rock where I believe 'rebeccas' are immune to anorexia and eating disorders.

Out and About

So today I was given half day leave (1pm-5.30pm). It was bliss. I met up with an ex patient i grew close too. She showed me around Melbourne and I looked at everything awe struck like a tourist  I felt like I've been living under a rock for the past 19 years of my life. We went to the queen Victoria markets were I bought a $5 agate stone necklace on a leather cord, we went to QV were we had afternoon tea frozen yoghurt (again something I've never tried before but something i will definitely try again) and Big W where I bought a $9 pair of flats. We went to Daiso where everything is literally $2.80 I bought colourful tape and a pencil shaped like a syringe I though it was funny yes my humour is that lame. We went to the emporium where we sampled tea and drank it to our hearts content I bought a coffee mug which i think will be best suited to soup its...too big. But all in all i had a blast we watched buskers and saw homeless people all of which i felt sorry for and blessed to be me.

The decision to discharge or not is looming I'm conflicted and I feel any decision i make will be wrong due to my clouded judgment even though everyone my geelong team, the melbourne team, my friends and my family all urge me to stay the next 10 days and hey what's another 10 days right? 10 days in here is a lifetime. So in preparation for tomorrow if i do decide to leave I have packed my bags. And the dietician has written up the supplement regime that I asked for, I have to let dad know after morning wad round if i want him to pick me up...I think I already know my answer quite obviously for all the wrong reasons.

I honestly want to go home so i can restrict I want to stay here to get better but I want to restrict which would be triggering for all the other patients which is understandable so instead they deal with my restricting with punitive measures of seclusion. I wouldn't mind the seclusion over meal times but I do if thats where I have to remain for an entire day! Margaret dealt with it so well but she was forever lonely good thing she was so malnourished she just slept it off something I'm not too good at, forgetting that is. My mind still races even when I sleep. Plus she was only admitted for two weeks. And I am slowly making progress here gaining extra time off the ward.

Going out today though really made me think I'm missing out on life! It's the sad reality.

Red fizzy drink

Today has been eventful yet not at all stimulating. We are currently in lock down and have been for quite some hours since at least 3pm (its now 7.20pm) because one of the girls that i call crazy and psycho has been trying to escape. Obviously to no avail. So that has been entertaining all we needed was the popcorn. I'm a "horrible mean bad person". But honestly I do feel sorry for her I completely understand where she's coming from and i too am guilty of being an escapee.

My hr was just sitting between 150 and 158 again MET call criteria but this time the nurse didn't seem to even bat an eyelid. I was also told that the ecocardiogram that had been ordered has apparently not been ordered because he's 'not too worried' it seems like no one here really cares I feel like my heart is just about to jump right out of my chest. This is one reason why I want to leave nobody takes me seriously.

I made a pros and cons list of staying here and of going home it wasn't very successful and has just left me more confused and conflicted here's the list;

PROS TO STAYING -Inpatient team/nurses support -Groups -Friends -Meal support -Family Therapy -Banana Chai

CONS OF STAYING -No control over meals -Wasting time and resources -Stalled progress -Feeling misunderstood -Being away from my family/friends -Being unable to create a future -Doing it for my family/friends

PROS OF GOING HOME -Restricting -Family -No restriction on activities -Control over intake/outtake -Less restrictive environment -Being able to focus on school and building a life -Seeing Lesley

CONS OF GOING HOME -Restricting/Relapsing -No 24/7 support -Being sectioned again -Becoming medically unstable -Letting my family down -Being sent back to the Swanston centre -Not being allowed back to JCU -Against medical advice -OP support minimum

My head is all over the place. In one respect I want to go home in the other I want to get better and on the bigger side right now i just want to relapse fall headlong down the rabbit hole. My ED thoughts are yet again running rampant in my head like little kids on red fizzy drink.

Pick me up

Dad says he will pick me up monday or wednesday if i so do choose not to stay here. I think if I make it to wednesday there will be no point in discharging myself with a mere week to go. But i'm desperate and desperate times call for desperate measures. I have to decide by Sunday so my dad knows if he has to take the hour and a half trek up to Melbourne. I think I want to go. Actually no I know I want to go! But I also know that is my eating disorder talking my eating disorder trying to manipulate me into being well....manipulative, playing the system to work in my favour.

I spoke to my older sister tonight and she expressed to me that she was suicidal and wanting to go to the chemist to buy pills to overdose. And what was i supposed to do sit here in a hospital being worried sick? No! I called the emergency triage number and got support. My team here were very sensitive and compassionate toward me as I told them what had happened through sobs of tears.

Today was the funeral for uncle kenny i wasn't close to him so missing out on the funeral wasn't such a bad thing. But it has reminded me that Caitlin's birthday is fast approaching and I don't know how on earth I am going to cope with that my normal way would be to retreat back to Anorexia's arms. But this time I have to try something different. I've given up on different I don't want different I hate change! To clarify caitlin was one of my friends who passed away when we were only 12 in a train accident.

I also believe I have figured out one of my triggers for eating disorder thoughts; banana chai tea its sweet and made purely with hot milk even though i ask for skinny milk it's still too much for my brain to handle i get sent into a frenzy yet i refuse to give it up maybe I should opt for a smaller version?

Anyway even after my strong long black coffee I am still very sleepy and want to watch the back of my eye lids and sleep until Monday. Discharge come at me whether I'm ready or not there is and only ever will be one way to find out. To jump in head first.

the list grows

Ward round yet again today it comes around so quickly I can't keep up with the days. Well at least today I was able to hide behind the curtain so to speak in other words I didn't have to face the room full of about 10 different pysch specialists that analyse every move or word you say.

Again I get;
-cooking if I would like I don't know if I will take up the offer. It sends me into a state of panic I haven't cooked for so long and especially not something that I have to EAT! 
-I get half day leave over the weekend which is pathetic and pointless i swear they don't take into account that I LIVE IN GEELONG! 
-I am now off QID (4 times daily) obs instead I'm on BD (twice daily) obs they're only monitoring my hr anyway which is off the charts it reached 153 again today.
-I do however get a second 15 minute break off the ward which means half an hour of freedom a day! Woopie.
-I'm allowed raisin toast for breakfast.
-And to be discharged with consent I have to continue to do the program and eat 100% of the mealplan  so over this bullshit.

So I rang my psychiatrist to find out what the go is. I can not end up back in the Swanston Centre I need to go home! that is what my heart and mind are telling me today for once they are in sync I know people have been here and still are here longer then me I know 2 weeks go's by in a flash but it's not a flash I'm willing to take. Because by the end of it what will we have achieved? A waste of 5 weeks (or in this case 3 weeks) I will be straight back to square one I'm not physically or mentally ready for 'recovery' Kathy was right :'(

I feel like I'm at a crossroads between wanting recovery and wanting relapse I just feel like I can't deal with the world at the moment and my only solution to that is to starve my way into perfection. I didn't et a hold of my psychiatrist but i did get to talk to my case manager who i was blatantly honest with when she asked "why do you want to go home?" My response initially was I'm home sick followed by a "...I want to restrict" which inevitably means go cold turkey on the whole eating situation. Dad says I can come home monday or wednesday if i want but i have to agree to do outpatients and I have to attempt to eat. I'm thinking an ensure for dinner would be a good substitute. But maybe I should wait then maybe he won't expect so much of me? I doubt it I think I am only giving him false hope.

Head VS Heart

So as the title states I'm facing a lot of internal conflict. My heart says to stay and my head tells me to go. I know what my Eating Disorder wants me to do more or less compels me to do but I don't actually know what my real self wants me to do. I wish I had a magic wand to take it all away something to reverse time and stop me ever getting Anorexia but I guess you have to learn to deal with the cards your dealt.

We had family therapy this morning which I can't really elaborate on because i zoned out for the majority staring out the window, playing with my bracelets, tapping my nails anything really to distract myself and detach myself from reality. 

Then came meal support with my family which involved having a meal together and supporting one another. It ended in an argument or as much of our arguments as they come in my family a 'heated discussion' I voiced my desire to go home, they voiced their's that they didn't want me home yet and want me to stick out the program or I will be sent to the Swanston centre. A no go zone for me. 

So now I'm at a loss. I spoke to the reg on call and he said if i discharge today it will be against medical advice so wait it out until tomorrow then ask the team. I don't see the point they're only going to say no anyhow. So now to wait it out it's only two weeks anyway but two weeks in here feels like a lifetime. I'm just wasting time and resources here we're waiting for december 4th so i can go back to my old habits. What's the saying? "old habits never die young" 

My sister is going to the mother baby psych unit on Friday I'm happy she's going to be getting the support she needs but i miss my niece I want nothing more then to cuddle her and kiss her and tell her I love her more then words can say. But now I have to wait until I get discharged she's going to be all big and grown up :(

Also met with the dr again because he had spoken to the cardiology team apparently they want an ecocardiogram done to make sure there is no structural damage to my heart which he believe will come back fine (so do i) it has also been suggested that i increase my salt intake. Did I mention I HATE salt! But it's only one sachet. I don't think it will do anything. Apparently its not good to have your hr reach 154 lol and if the salt and water I've been made to have don't help it is possible I will be put on medication.

hearty conversation

So I've been a bit sack at posting never mind my diaries suffering from neglect too. Yesterday was ward round I was told if I refuse to eat I will be put on neuro psych side which is pointless and only achieves seclusion and isolation from the majority of sane people (yes i consider these people sane) so, I'm eating.

I asked to be discharged and was told if I do so it will be against medical advice so I'm fucked and have to stay here or I get transferred to the Swanston centre both of which are options I don't want to consider.

Today has been profoundly distressing I woke up and found out my room was being moved which i felt uncomfortable with. I found someone drank my chai tea that i paid for I mean not a little bit but like the whole lot! Then i spoke to my dad who was supposed to visit tonight and he's not because he stayed up until 3am. I also found out my little sister collapsed last night (she has diabeties she's ok now though but it was scary to think of). and then the icing on the cake was a nurse telling me "maybe it's not your time, maybe you should discharge yourself" so now I'm having conflicting thoughts. I want to go home but i want to be discharged with medical consent.

Yesterday I ended up having an ECG because my hr reached a climax of 154 met call criteria 150. So that was a little scary but I wasn't fussed too much I wish they would just get to the bottom of my heart crisis a cardiologist was supposed to come up last night or today but seems as though it will still remain a medical mystery.

I had take-away again tonight and the menu was italian BIG HUGE fear food right there guys! We also got a new patient come in today which I am very reserved about and was a bitch to at dinner not intentionally and definitely out of character for me. But hopefully I will be out of here soon so I don't have to deal with her shit. She's a 'crazy' 

I'm highly contemplating going home tomorrow when my family come up I just can't deal with these feelings and thoughts of 'I'm fat' 'I don't deserve help' 'I don't deserve food' 'I deserve to die' 'I deserve to suffer' 'I'm losing control' 'I'm not going to be able to stop eating' I really just want to go home so I can restrict and have my body shut down on me again and hopefully this time actually die from it. But I'm not going home if that mens swanston centre so we have to talk to the team tomorrow please give consent!

Oh and just to complete what a wonderful day my great uncle died we weren't close but i'm not going to be a cold hearted bitch and say it doesn't effect me because it does.

SmashED it

Yep that's right I'm smashing my eating disorder bullshit. I make things sound easy like I can just switch it on or off and sometimes it feels as if I can do just that.  But it's not that easy it's nowhere near as easy as learning the abc maybe a little more difficult like times tables (I never got the hang of these things). But I'm drinking my chai tea and eating 100% of my meals (with the exception of last weekends hiccup but, I've moved forward).

I finally have motivation again in my life. I want to get better to see my beautiful little niece grow up. I want to get better so my sister doesn't worry I will die in my sleep. I want to get better so my parents don't have to feel like they have an infant at home still. I want to get better so I can go back to school and make something of myself. I want to get better so I can travel the world and experience life for what it is; a truly amazing and inspirational oyster.

I can't have the 'best of both worlds' in terms of having all the above and an Eating Disorder. I realise that. But at the same time I realise no one chooses an Eating Disorder as can nobody choose to just completely cold turkey it.

Anorexia robs you of life, it robs you of passion and zeal. And what does it give you? A whole heap of medical issues that are long term detrimental and potentially life threatening. I'm over the whole to and fro shit.

Waiting to call my dad in an hour now can't wait to speak to him he always puts me in a good mood

What it's about

Another boring day in John Cade we have progressed forward to turning our nurses into cleaners. Yes I did just say cleaners. My morning contact nurse was so bored she decided to clean my computer its now white again yay it kept her busy for 30 minutes and I ended up with a happy product at the end.

Other then that it's been a quiet non eventful kind of day. Some of the girls here have been going to court the last few days over legal issues (obviously) and thankfully all went well for them in particular one girl whose studying law and had her suing overturned she just has to write apology letters and be a good girl. Which I was happy for her about all those years studying not gone to waste over a silly little issue.

Last night I was finding it particularly hard I was thinking about discharging myself today (this is what being taken off a section does to me) packing my stuff and just walking out proving to them all I'm not ready for change but, I want to go back to school so I have to be ready for change no ifs or buts. Although my Anorexia wants nothing more then for me to sink my teeth into it yet again no matter what ambitions I have in mind. Anorexia is more powerful and dominating then any other thought I poses. It doesn't discriminate and reminds me how manic and good at school i was when i was at my sickest it tells me I'm invincible and can do anything... with its help of course.

As the day progresses the Anorexic thoughts intensify and reach a crescendo inside my brain a berating drill sergeant that's words reverberate inside the empty walls of my mind for just one second I would like to not have a preoccupation with anorexia, food I'm eating (or not eating), drinks I'm drinking (or not drinking), exercise I should be doing, restricting I should be doing etc etc etc. I'm just plain over it.

It's no longer about image, perfectionism, stubbornness, power or rebellion. It's about death

UPDATE: It's amazing how the small things make the greatest of difference to my mind set I've been focusing on school next year as I've been accepted to do my year 12 although it has my brain in a frazzel about what courses I do. Well I just got even better news! How? our swedish friend offered me to come back with her next year for an exchange program I am still very keen I have 1.5months to prove I'm ready. This is the best incentive I'm just waiting to hear my dads opinion before I go ahead and try to organise it...again.

Happy Days

The illumines ward round dawned on me today. It was supposed to be a good ward round as I didn't have to go in. Then the nurse came out put a spin on things and said that the team wanted to speak to me. Anxiety rose to the temperature of boiling water it overflowed and I couldn't stop myself from wriggling my legs the whole time, but not all was bad in actual fact it was a good outcome! They overturned my section because they knew they were going to lose at the hearing on Wednesday. I get a 15 minute unsupervised break downstairs (banana chai come at me bro) I'm allowed to do take-away tonight but I REALLY don't want to because it's a waste of money and the meals end up being ten times bigger then a normal hospital hot meal and I don't think I could handle the anxiety although the team seem to think it will be beneficial I think not its a forbidden food.

So I had my 15 minutes (shhh it was 20 minutes) downstairs. The other patient I went down with had a smoke offered me one which I as the good girl I am ;) declined. Instead I settled for a banana chai latte and man was it amazing it was mind blowing how much I enjoyed it! I was actually able to drink the whole thing and I still felt incredible levels of guilt BUT I survived! Another lesson that food/beverages won't actually kill me like my eating disorder tells me it will evidence that ED is a liar. I just hope it gets easier.

I'm still planning on returning to my Anorexia when I get out of here (discharge date has stayed at December 4th). My parents are worried I will discharge myself early and they are quite possibly correct I don't know if I will be discharged on a CTO but I can hope not I will ask at ward round on monday what the go is. But honestly its not going to matter if I stay here two weeks (two weeks today) or five weeks my mentality isn't changing and to recover from anorexia that is what has to change eating isn't the be all and end all of recovery it is majoritvley about mentality.

I have decided to challenge myself and have takeaway its Thai night... I've NEVER eaten thai so I'm in a pickle I looked at the menu and had a mini breakdown but I settled for Patt thai with no chilli. Dinner just finished and surprise surprise I'm still breathing and my heart still beating. But, it was a let down it was bland and boring no colour and no flavour and just a whole big anxiety provoking event. After dinner my anxiety is now sky high and I don't feel like I can eat again it's a vicious cycle maybe I should just discharge myself. Jesus I've been off the section less then 24hrs and shit's already about to hit the fan.

There's a girl here that I've really clicked with she was admitted with a BMI of 12 she looks deathly sick skeletal sick. How is this of any relevance well on my first admission I was admitted with a BMI of 12 and I swear to god I did NOT look anywhere near as sick as she looks! But maybe thats just my distorted view (it probably is) but it's scary and such a wake up call!

Another busy day in JC

Family therapy... What can I say? In three words; waste of time. No. I shouldn't be so negative it was productive... kind of... They read out a letter my little sister wrote which stated she felt guilty for helping me in my eating disorder by eating my food and that she's scared I won't wake up in the morning she thinks hospital and an NGT are the best things for me. Needless to say I cried. We all cried.

Everyone wants this vicious cycle to end but how can it when lets face it I'm getting little to no meal support here expected to eat and not feel an overwhelming amount of guilt and betrayal. The psychiatrist in here is a narcissistic bitch anyway so I really just don't get the point.

Sometimes I question why I do the things I do is it a deep seated wish for attention? I think not its a wish for perfectionism improving myself and gaining an aspect of control and happiness into my life. It is not in spite of the ones I love and it is not rebelling against the system. It is a mental illness that makes you believe you are in full control even when you become so medically compromised you have no way to deny the fact that you are actually sick.

I'm praying for discharge so I can return to my eating disorder even if I've put in all the hard yards over the last five weeks none of it seems worth it. What am I actually gaining from this whole experience? Guilt, shame, disgust, self loathing and of course where would I be without my lovely amazing friends sitting there right beside me rooting me on to "smash it" at every meal. But in terms of recovering I'm at a standstill. I'm in this too and fro tug of war inside my mind. I'm at a place where I'm eating to get out of the system to return home to not eat to return back to the system that is so drastically failing my family friends and I.

On a positive note I found out I can do my year 12 through distance education next year which I am very excited about I used to love school I was good at it! But now comes the dilemma of choosing the subjects I will dominate in and will help me arrive at my final destination (A uni course).

The illumines ward round comes around again tomorrow and I'm yet again not handing in a sheet of paper I feel my voice is not heard or listened to so I just don't care anymore they will either discharge me or keep me in this prison one way or another it won't matter what I say.

My friend has been accepted into the private clinic but she's coming up with every excuse under the sun not to take up the bed I think she's insane not to take it up but I'm not fighting with her I'm just tired of this round about way. This stupid cycle we are both stuck in surely the clinic has got to be better then here she's not an hour away from friends and family and a familiar environment with dead set recovery like minded people and she doesn't have ridiculous visiting hours AND she's already working with the same team she would be working with in the hospital! I just don't get it but I'm sick of telling here she's worth recovery she doesn't listen maybe I should try reverse psychology?

My motto; eat to get out not stay out

Lesson learnt as you've heard me say many times before it's eat to get out not eat to stay out I'm dying inside but nobody here cares what your feeling as long as your eating 100%. So it looks like my eating disorder cognition and behaviours won't be changing anytime soon. I know this is my fight and I have to fight it but with little support I don't see the point when I can be getting skinnier and inevitably happier on the outside. I'm counting down the days until my initial discharge date (23days).

I forgot what this place was like I honestly thought it would be better then the Swanston centre if my memory served me correctly its a specialist unit for christ's sake, but it seems I was disillusioned the nurses push you to eat and if you don't your "childish" and need to "grow up" my eating disorder is disregarded and disbelieved and put down to teenage "rebellion"

I get made to feel even more worthless more like my illness doesn't exist like I am not cared for like my problems are pity and non existent. This is just a waste of five weeks of the teams, my parents, my friends and my time! I'm planning my fall from grace the minute I leave this place. Nobody here cares about me really it's their job to make our meals and supervise what your eating and document it but meal support is non existent we get drugged up and that's supposed to be enough. It's not fixing anything or helping us work through and deal with the underlying causes for our eating disorders.

We are put on the back burner a burden on society and the unit. At least they get paid to do nothing for us mentally. So much for a mental health unit. The structure of the program is in dire need of reconsideration otherwise we're all just going to continue this cycle and continue to be 'Institutionalised' BECAUSE LETS FACE IT THEY'RE NOT HELPING!!! 

I appealed my section yesterday and was given a hearing date today for next wednesday I'm now reconsidering it maybe I should just stick this shit hole out. I guess the tribunal will make the decision that they believe is in my best interest they are the one part of this system I haven't lost all hope in. I kind of want to stick the program out prove to everyone I'm not a waste of time and space even if that means I have to come back later down the track hopefully this time I can just have a restricted diet rather then a starvation diet? Oh who cares... I sure don't.

Here's a song I feel I really relate to today I hope you find it as relatable as me (I have just copied out the words I relate to most but the video link is below). Another positive is a) I don't have to have the injection as long as I'm eating 100% by thursday and b) I got a goodies parcel from my friend which included fun little things to pass the time.

Xx stay strong beautifuls

"How did I get myself into all of this mess?
How did I end up with this deadly home address?
How did I come to this, where every song I sing
Is nothing but a list of pain and suffering?

...
We fought hard not to die, yet we don’t know how to live
How do we change our world to what we want it to be?
How do we move beyond all of this misery?

One foot in front of the other foot
In front of the one foot in front of the other foot

I’ve been in chains since I was nothing but a kid
We don’t know freedom, not quite sure that we ever did
Now that we have it, how will we make use of it?
We’ve been committed — now to what do we all commit?

I used to have a home, now I don’t even have a name
I’m nothing but a number, here we are all the same
We’ve lost so much, so many of those we love are dead
How do I get these memories out of my fucking head?

...

How do we bear this burden, far too much to carry?
How do we change our prison to a sanctuary?
We’ve been kept from the light, no one ever gave a damn
If I’ve no one to fight, how do I know who I am?

...

...
But just because we live does not mean that we’re alive
We’ve won the final round, but how to enjoy the win
When we’ve been broken down and we’ll never know what could have been
Heaven help us, where do we begin?" -Emilie Autumn 

I've also been listening to Anna Graceman- 'words' and 'time machine'

100% Over this shit

As quickly as it finished it was back again. I'm talking Ward round people. And boy was it a disaster my feedback sheet majority says "Unable to discuss" because lets face it I went in there with my heart on the line begging to go home telling them they don't understand or listen to me and that the voice in my head is far too strong and loud.

Their solution I eat 100% between now and Thursday and we revisit the idea of discharge (But knowing my luck revisiting does not mean discharging) I am totally and utterly desperate I can NOT stay here until December 4th. My dad thinks its a piece of cake (pun intended) well I'm here to tell him he is completely wrong! I am dying mentally I swear I have lost about half my brain cells in here watching trash T.V. I'm even more scared that judith (the psychiatrist consultant in charge) has just said that to make me feel better whilst she secretly intends on making me fat.

The dr caught up with me again today he's only worked here a week and seen me 3 times! Apparently judith and the team have decided to put my on some anti psychotic injection once a week... I refused. I't not happening in this lifetime or the next. He's adamant I'm having it and have no choice as I'm sectioned I think they take advantage of this too much and as I said before it's not happening! Apparently I need it because oral meds aren't working and I am "clearly very unwell". I think he's spinning shit

After ward round I was very distressed and had a half hearted attempt at running away (I sat out the front of the hospital sobbing) before I ventured back inside to see the nurse waiting for me. I came back of my own accord. I did however ring my dad and beg him to pick me up which he said no to as he would get 'locked up'. Again I became very distraught.

As I type to you I am on the phone to get legal aid to help me overturn the section.

It's my sisters 15th birthday today and I'm missing out because I'm stuck in this shit hole. Pray for Thursday

What is 'Recovery'

Well yesterday arvo I got my shit together I pulled up my socks stopped sulking around feeling sorry for myself and put in the hard yards to start eating again. Afternoon tea, dinner, supper, breakfast, morning tea and lunch have all been a big success. Hell I'm not saying it has been easy but if there is only one thing I've learnt about hospital its that to get your own way (in my situation to get discharged) you have to comply then, then the choice is yours to relapse or continue to 'recover'.

I know I throw that word around a lot but what is recovery? What does it feel like? What does it look like? What is recovery??? Will I ever be fully recovered??? The dictionary states that recovery is a "return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength" I don't believe I have ever truly conquered this state of being I am always stuck in a state of limbo eating enough to be considered normal and stay out of hospital or eating nothing at all and swearing "I'm fine" when its clear that I am physically suffering. And somehow my body is becoming much better equipped to deal with my sustained periods of starvation.

It's a merry-go-round I fear I will never get off. I don't contain the strength or mentality to nib Anorexia in the butt once and for all. I fantasies about a life without anorexia I let it tantalise me for a few moments and then like a wave of smoke it disintegrates into the air like it was never there before. I wonder about all the things I could accomplish if I wasn't so obsessed and entwined with my illness I would accomplish many great things. But without my illness I wouldn't be me my Anorexia is my identity or at least thats how it feels everyone knows me as Bec-the-sick-anorexic not Bec-the-smart-intellegent-bright-bubbly-younglady-with-a-lifetime-in-front-of-her.

Tomorrow brings yet another ward round. Mondays we go in and see the team unlike Thursdays where the nurses convey what we ask them to. I'm nervous about going in but I want to go in I want my voice heard I want to be discharged (but I'm worried after my mishap yesterday I will have blown that chance and proved I can't recover) and if they don't discharge me I am filing for an application for revocation I am not staying here an extra 3 and a half weeks to know that the minute i get out all my hard work will unravel like a ball of wool. Why waste 3 weeks of their time and three weeks of my time I'm not learning anything new I'm just being monitored so my physical health doesn't decline but the minute I'm out we all know the ball gets thrown up in the air so, whats the point of all this? To keep my parents happy that's the point. But recovering has to be wanted by me for me and lets face it it's not. My parents are the be all and end all for me. 

I'm feeling like a blimp today I'm sick of this fat feeling I can't wait to get out of here and lose weight it's all I live for but this time I have to try and eat a little something rather then just going cold turkey we all know where that lands me...

down the rabbit hole

Unfortunately this morning things took a turn for the worse and I wasn't strong enough to push through. Breakfast, morning tea and lunch were all a fail and I don't think I can handle eating today or tomorrow or the next. It was quite nicely bought to my attention I'm sectioned and therefore they have to call a psych reg if I refuse to eat to review me and decide if the tube has to go back in :''( I'm such a failure why do I always have to fuck up!?

Today my friend ella made the hour long trek up to see me and take me downstairs for a little time off the ward it felt amazing to sit there soaking up the sun. She bought me a banana chai something I have been HANGING for but stupid anorexic me couldn't drink it and had to throw the whole thing away (without her noticing it was full) I felt awful! That is my goal to get back on track so I can drink banana chai so i can go on holiday in january so i can go home for forever so I can feel and be NORMAL! 

Well I just met with the psych reg which was a pointless waste of my and his time he basically said there's nothing he can do at the moment and to just keep an eye on my obs, which are declining I'm beginning to get a postural drop again and to review me at ward round on Monday. 

I have decided to contest my section I was doing fine at home I don't want to be here anymore! Considering just walking out the front door I'm that sick of this place so fed up i know my parents want the best for me but being in here surrounded by underweight girls is triggering I have never felt this triggered within this environment ever before (except when ella and I are in hospital together)

Take me out the back and shoot me

The nurse D came in for a D'n'M she told me I need to find motivation within myself for myself rather then just wanting to always please my family. She told me I was admitted because I wasn't coping wasn't able to move forward with my eating and wasn't able to handle the eating disorder cognition and would sporadically stop eating and drinking. Tick tick tick all 100% correct. She says my vitals are also a cause for concern as my heart rate is so out of whack.

Talking about that I had to meet with the registra again today as my heart rate topped at 141 again. The nurses are astoundingly worried beyond belief. He's not too worried he thinks I have something called postural tachycardia syndrome which is apparently only newly founded and complicated by my ed and dehydration. He spoke to the cardiologists which are going to come and see me but there is only one specialist in Melbourne. 

Meal times have been tremendously hard today as two girls are on leave one is on bed rest and not eating and the other has been moved to neuro psych for apparently encouraging people to leave the ward (which she hasn't if anything she's trying to keep us here) so it's just me! And I hate it! It makes me cringe. 

I'm thinking of going on strike tomorrow not getting out of bed not taking my meds and not eating or drinking my mind just can't handle these thoughts anymore! But I know it will only put me back so I have to keep pushing through until I get discharged. 

Positivity is shining through the rain clouds

Ward Round proved a success lets go through the gains
-An hour downstairs with family and friends
-No supervised toilet/shower
-Take-away and cooking next week (which I don't want to do either of I will talk to the dietician about this early next week)
-Day leave on Monday for my sisters birthday (which I might not take)
-An earlier discharge date (but not set in stone)
And
-No nasogastric tube after 6 long weeks

I know I don't have the tube in now and that's a massive positive but I also know I will slip up again its just a matter of time. I want my eating disorder back but, for now I have to put it on the back burner and make it look like I'm working towards something positive. Like I'm working on an ED free life. Which seems to be working at the moment the team are impressed and thrilled by the progress I have made in the last week. I also have to look forward to my holiday on January 14th to see my grandparents until february 11th. I booked it today to give me incentive and motivation.

Yet again today I am feeling less bloated then usual and I'm relishing in it! It makes me feel so much better about myself. I am also so thankful to finally be able to have a shower or use the toilet without having to be supervised for the first time in a week (I know thats not long but this last week has felt like a lifetime!)

Just a quick post today but a very positive one at it the first in quite some time wish me luck beautifuls.

Family Therapy

Today was my first day of 'Family therapy' which entailed the therapist my parents the social worker and the registrar (which both took notes...LOTS of notes.) I felt threatened and I didn't like it one bit I didn't want to put my foot in it or spill the beans on my secret life (which isn't so secret). The therapist came to the conclusion I am an honest, good girl in denial. He wants an individual session with my parents which I'm happy with if it makes them feel better, no skin off my nose. My parent's also spoke about how my siblings feel responsible for my Anorexia by not saying anything when I skipped meals/passed out and are scared I'm going to die. Seem's a little to surreal.

I got all nicely dressed up today because of family therapy and I actually felt good I looked nice had my hair straightened a pair of jeans that are slightly too big for me and a top that makes my boobs look big and my stomach look more flat. A today only sale I believe ;D I feel like I have lost weight (although I know with the meal plan I'm on -a maintenance meal plan) there is no way I would of lost weight :( but a girl can have her hopes and dreams and hey I wouldn't mind being put on a bigger meal plan it calls for more variety in snacks.

My Dad wants me to wait it out the full 5 weeks and if then it still doesn't work for me at least I've tried I like the sound of that it feels like he will accept my behaviour even thought I know he won't ever be happy with my decision but at least then I might not have to pretend to be ok when I'm not like I'm pretending at the moment it's just so god damn hard but I know the way around the system I know what I have to do to get out of here so that's what I'm doing. The utmost minimum. And then maybe they will discharge me home without a CTO?

I can't believe it's been a week tomorrow that I've been here! 4 weeks sounds so much better then 5 and so on and so on time goes so slowly in here but once a week has gone you look back on it and think "gee times flown! what did I do with myself!?" and next week I will be saying three weeks OMG that sounds like a dream. But in the meantime I'm living the nightmare, riding the wave. Planning for a future I may never have. Hoping the team see's me working with them and discharge me early. A girl can hope can't she?

It is official I am addicted to chai tea. We are only allowed three hot drinks a day in here I don't know why probably because they think we're water loading or some crap. But we've been keeping the tin of chai out (the pantry gets locked so we can't get tea/coffee(decaf)/food/condiments at our will) and helping ourselves to upwards of 4 or 5 a day instead it makes me feel naughty and it's...exhilarating!

One of the girls in here I have grown quite fond of and call my twinsie buddy is going home today she came into hospital the same time I was admitted to the medical ward I'm happy for her but sad it feels like our journey together has come to an end even though I know she's just a phone call or facebook message away it has really bought my spirits down it's made me long for home :( soon bec soon

Ward round tomorrow maybe they will talk about discharge? I hope so I can't do this everyones willing me to and I want to surpass my two week admissions here but I don't want to stay here any longer then necessary and I don't even believe I should of been admitted even though the therapist this morning seems to believe I am "so sick" I'm not underweight so my mind doesn't see it this is just a stop gap admission I'm in limbo not going forwards and not going backwards going nowhere really *sighs*. 

Hot meals

I have had 3671 views on my blog and I have had a whole 2 comments since I started this blog back in December of last year. It makes me feel like my blogging is useless although it certainly has its benefits for my mind set. It's just...sad, I try to comment on other peoples blogs so they don't feel so alone I wish someone would do that for me. You know pay it forward or something. Oh well I will keep blogging to no-one maybe one day someone will care enough about me to talk to me and make me feel not so alone?

In art therapy we started to make dream catchers which I think is a funky idea and a great way to pass the time I even made some beads but being the perfectionist I am I didn't like them and resorted to old fashioned factory made beads I just couldn't get the colours right and they were just to big and bulky and heavy for such a dainty frame. I'm really impressed with how the frame work has come along.

Today is Day 1 of a full meal plan and I have smashed out breakfast (which I haven't eaten in about two months I know that doesn't seem like long but for five of those weeks I wasn't eating anything breakfast is my favourite meal of the day but also the scariest so I stick to 'safe' foods like soggy weet-bixs) morning tea and a sandwich for lunch (another meal I haven't eaten for god knows how long for the sheer fear of bread starch and carbohydrates) I have also unfortunately had water put on my mealplan as I have postural tachycardia (heart rate jumps when I go from sitting to standing) and my bp has been unusually high too. I'm mostly worried about dinner I'm on hot meals and I'm scared of not being able to eat 100% in the time frame given (half an hour).

UPDATE: I did it I ate 100% of my dinner I don't know if it was in the time frame but, I ATE IT! one meal down a lifetime to go

Here's a photo of my not-quite-finished dream catcher

Rebelling

Ward round was this morning (in case you've forgotten it's where we meet with the team and discuss our progress and ask for things we want like breaks) we are meant to fill in a 'ward round sheet' which states everything but today I rebelled against this and refused to hand in a sheet instead I ballsied up and faced the team and said what I wanted...Kind of. I told them I don't want to be here but I'm prepared to fight for recovery I asked for breaks downstairs and was declined which SUCKED! I got absolutely nothing except for a meal increase which I'm happy about and dreading all at once it's a step forward I suppose. All in all ward round sucked I still feel totally incompetent. So I've made an executive decision I'm going to appeal my section I don't know if I win if I will stay I don't even know if I will submit it but the thought is putting me at ease. 5 weeks is just far too long in my opinion and they call it 'short' they're delirious. 

This morning we had our obs done as we do every 4 hours and my heart rate sitting was 130bpm and standing got up to 150bpm so they had to call the doctor which was pointless he didn't tell me anything new "Your heart rates high, which could be normal for you and your blood pressure is high too" nothing I was too worried about. But as my heart is playing funny buggers they have added water to all my meals which disappoints me to the max.

We had open art group today (as its 'open' its a choice group unlike tomorrow where its compulsory) and I started to make a dream catcher and my own beads I am really happy with it which is a first for me to say about my art work for the first time in a long time. I will post pictures tomorrow when its finished.

I'm still waiting to meet with the dietician to discuss my meal increase I am dreading it but I know it has to happen to get out of here. 

I'm feeling a little bit more upbeat this afternoon after spending a good hour in the art room detoxing all the negativity I was housing so I will put off submitting my application for revocation. Until tomorrow at least.

Last night I bawled my eyes out in my room and a nurse found me crying in hysterics she was really soothing which I would never of expected from her she told me not to hold it in anymore and just feel the feelings basically she then gave me 5mg diazepam to calm me down (and put me to sleep) I guess feeling the feelings this morning in ward round didn't work...

UPDATE: I just met with the dietician and she agreed I can go to the full meal plan and no NGT feed woopie! This is going to be so hard but I can do it... I hope. At least until I go home and get discharged off the section anyway. I CAN DO THIS! Honestly I'm shitting myself. 

Looking like a couch

Boring.

Boring.

Boring!

I'm bored out of my brains! I think I am going insane!

Nothing to do here, literally. Its strict 'couch rest'. I swear the size of my ass has just about doubled in the last 4 days, I'm going to look like a couch at this rate!

I'm sleeping the day away because there's nothing better to do I'm dreading the groups that start this week I hate opening up talking and disclosing information about my Anorexia the way it makes me think and feel. The two groups I'm dreading most are psychology and family therapy (and goal setting group if you can call it a group) I prefer to keep things to myself! I guess that's half my problem.

I'm ready to get out of here I was ready before I got in here! But I'm complying with the team to get rid of the Nasogastric Tube until they see me fit to make my own decisions and then I will discharge myself I can't stay here for five weeks! I'm hoping they take me off section on Thursday at the latest. I can dream right? And then I will try to give it an extra week to see if I can comply on my own to see if it really can help, I'm not medically compromised so they can't keep me here.

I think two weeks will be plenty long enough because the only reason they would keep me is for family therapy and groups which make me feel claustrophobic and threatened and isolated and silly and stupid and dumb and the list goes on, which we started to do with my OP team anyway and it was much more relaxing. And I didn't have to be away from home. And it wasn't as full on in your face kinda thing.

I'm tempted to tell the team how triggered I am here they want honesty, I'm tempted to ring my psychiatrist P and tell him how triggered I am maybe he will 'save' me? I'm tempted to not comply just to get out of here. Anything to get my butt kicked out of here but I won't ruin the chances of coming back here again if in the future I need it (which I won't) and I won't risk the chance of being sent to the Swanston Centre either.

UPDATE: I've hit a brick wall tonight I'm thinking about ward round tomorrow and I'm scared I'm scared they will say yes to me increasing my meal plan to a full meal plan I'm scared of failing I want to ask if they will take me off the ITO but I'm scared they'd say no and maybe I'm scared they'll say yes I don't know what I want anymore I'm torn that's the only way I can put it but more then that I'm homesick I was doing well at home I want to go back to that it was slow progress but it was still progress. The thought of asking them to take me off my ITO tomorrow is running rampant, everyones praying I see it through but if they were in my position they'd understand how hard this is for me.

bordering on insanity

What a boring day I'm scared that the next five weeks will follow the same pattern honestly we sit around on a couch all day long sleeping and watching endless daytime T.V with the in between break up of meals and snacks every few hours 8, 10, 12, 4, 6 and 8 again and then we repeat again the following day. No wonder people go insane! I would too! .... I am.

I'm really hoping that by working with the team they may discharge me earlier then December 4th that would be nice! But in saying that I still don't know how I'm going to last another week or two in this place. I know that this place is the one place that can help me that's why I'm trying to give it my all but I am just so god damn homesick. It makes my heart sink seeing everyone get visitors and then I'm left all by my lonesome in the lounge room but at least then I can turn the T.V off and bask in the silence for an hour or so.

I have no idea why I agreed to come (if you can call it agreeing being told you don't have a choice) I was doing surprisingly well at home something I actually genuinely believe I could of uped the anti and pushed along with my recovery. 

It's so triggering being in here being the largest (by no means am I fat I am a healthy weight) person and having everyone eating like mouses and being timed and allowed to do limited movement and not being allowed any free time downstairs. It's just a nightmare but I have to keep reminding myself its better then being in the Swanston Centre. There are far worse things and in the scheme of things 1 week 2 weeks 3 weeks even 5 weeks for an entire lifetime it'll be worth it... I hope.

I refuse to unpack my belongings as I don't plan on being here for the full 5 weeks I plan on being outta here REAL soon! (if I get my way I will be out within 2 weeks) So instead I'm living out of a suitcase. Just want to get back home and do the outpatients thing it seemed to be working well for once, and it's something i want to continue to do :). Best I not get my hopes up though. John Cade is unpredictable. I am however thinking of being transitioned to my full meal plan on monday rather then waiting the extra three days so I can get this ball moving!

I don't know what my life will be like without Anorexia its been a constant companion for at least the last 3 years but its the leap I'm willing to take (today) I want to be healthy I want to be strong I want to be beautiful I want to love the skin I'm in I want to enjoy life I want to relish in foods without guilt. I want a life!