Hospital

My dad again quite kindly (not) has told me I either eat or move out. I'm in a tough situation no money (because he has it) or place to go. I want to eat but I have such a high aversion to food I just can't mentally eat like a 'normal' person. Wtf is wrong with me!?!?

I went on a mini binge when my parents left and by mini I mean majorly I would of been lucky to crack 150calories. Let's see 8 jelly babies (17) a mouthful of cream 1tbs (13) 1 biscuit (40) and 2 mouthfuls of pasta (52) that's a total 122 plus my two chai teas at (88) putting me just over at 210 

Same deal as yesterday I will try for either soup or ensure for dinner maybe my parents will agree to a little something then a lot of nothing? I don't know everything is so messy right now, :( I could be homeless come Wednesday.

I didn't eat dinner so I finish the day at 210 and hope for a better day tomorrow

UPDATE: it's just gone 6am last night dad called the hospital and police because I'd broken my CTO and refused to go to hospital. The ambulance lady said I either go with her willingly or she'd have to get the police so that's where I write to you from yet again I'm in A&E they will probably move me back to Melbourne today :( I feel like such a failure

This could get messy...

We can't go under it. We can't go over it. Oh no, we have to go through it. That's how it is with this disease. Confrontation head on. "One small crack does not mean that your broken, it means that you were put to the test and you didn't fall apart."- Linda poindexter.

Shit hit the fan and bounced back off again. My thoughts manifested too quickly for even the best of me to handle. I'm back at square one little intake and little outtake (but under these circumstances any is enough). I'm officially back on a 'starvation diet'. Back on a "I don't give a fuck" diet.

I don't know what happened something just clicked in my brain when I woke up this morning that said "don't you dare eat" "you have to lose weight" "your only allowed so and so calories" and on it went like a wrestling match inside my head. I know where I'm headed but I don't care all I care about is my eating disorder. No doubt my dad will say last night tipped me over which maybe it did maybe it was my cold turkey on medication or maybe it's the fact I have never been ready for the recovery status that has been forced upon me!?

Not even a week out of hospital and I'm doing a backward pedal. Fast. But I'm determined even in this relapse or whatever that I won't end up back in hospital back with an NG tube even if that means faking being sick to get out of OP appointments, or, just flat out refusing.

I'm done with all this shit! Yesterday was the best day mentally in so long! I don't even know what was up with that but I was set to take whatever it had to give, but today it's all too much and I'm paving the path to hell again.

My motivation levels have dropped to about zero all I do is sit around or sleep all day I can't bring myself to emerge myself in the simple art project I started late last week or pick up my knitting I haven't seen in three weeks or begin to read a page in one of the three books that are becoming an ornamental piece in my room. *sighs* life is just too much at the moment I'd like the world to open up and swallow me whole.

Dinner was an absolute butchery I ate maybe 20peas if that and started bawling because they were "going to make me fat" my dad then graciously (not) said "well don't eat if you don't want to" well of course I don't want to! I left the table to where I am now hiding under my blankets bawling still. My parents gave me the ultimatum eat or take your medication I took the latter and told them I refuse to eat to which they counteracted we will deal with that in a few days. My medication doesn't make me hungry for the record it puts me to sleep and calms general anxiety.

It's 8pm and I'm now going to continue to cry myself to sleep

Xx Bec 

Two days

I am two days medication free! I feel like I'm an alcoholic in remission saying that. But tonight may be what breaks the camels back so to speak.

I'm going to the footy I'm not a fanatic but I am an offsider supporter who signed up as a member this season for a bit of fun, and to take me outside my 'comfort zone' a bit. A face to a name I suppose. C'mon the Roos!!! Dinner is provided and as the AFL goes a crowd is expected to turn out which had me on edge but excited to be apart of the first round atmosphere.

I'm off soon so wish me luck

I even painted my nails in support of our team :)

Xx bec

Stuck

My life has taken a stand still I can't do anything I can't even begin to move forward because I don't want to be here in this house in this community more or less anymore. I want to MOVE! I don't want to be seen as sick anymore or incapacitated by any means. I want to move on! I want to move forwards! I want a LIFE! Not just an existence. But for now it seems I'm stuck here on this couch getting bigger and bigger and nowhere fast like the gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe. I'm STUCK! No forwards, and no backwards, well at least that's a positive. 

By the way my dad picks up the marijuana tomorrow. How that is a positive step in the right direction I have no idea. 

Xx Bec 

Bang bang

It's a long way to the bottom and an even longer way to the top. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. And, I don't like it.

I'm waiting for the trigger to be pulled. The guns already loaded. Bang bang. Shoot me down. Your dead. 

I have no idea where my life is headed. Apparently no where fast. I eat. I gain weight. I restrict. I lose weight, and get thrown into hospital. Repeat. 

My mind is plagued like an infectious disease has entered my blood stream. My body brutally bashed and thrown about without a care in the world.  

I AM THE PLAGUE, I AM THE DISEASE, I AM THE ABUSER, I AM THE ILLNESS,THAT IS ME.

I'm exhausted mentally and physically. I want out I want it all over with I want to wake up tomorrow without the hounding of this disease in my eat all day long. I can't even get a good sleep in at the moment!

I'm out

Xx Bec 

Two peas in a pod

So I saw my psychiatrist P today and said the normal "I don't want any help thankyou. I have nothing to talk about thankyou." My dad sat in on the appointment which made me a little uncomfortable not that I spoke much at all and I was still honest to the t. I don't know it was just...uncomfortable. I felt like I could say something... Wrong? And what's worse is my dad then decided he wanted to talk to P alone for 15minutes. A whole 15minutes where I don't know what happened because my dad wasn't comfortable with me in there! *sighs* One positive did come I didn't get weighed. But I was counting on it to give me an excuse not to eat. Now I feel I have to wait until Thursday to follow through with my plan of self sabotage. Plus I finished my appt with P on a high he told me I don har to eat everything but I can't eat nothing ha little does he know. But I really don't want to be dragged back to RMH which is inevitably on the cards as per always!

I have nothing else to say except my dad is serious about going through with buying marijuana! He's counting on the fact that I will get the side effects of 'the munchies' I'm counting on the fact that I don't and just experience the fact that my metabolism is boosted. It was however bought to my attention today that perhaps my dad may not in fact have lost the plot but be truly desperate. That makes two of us

Xx bec

Abc ITO CTO what's the difference just letters thrown about & marijuana

So we went back today and I begged them to let me go. They agreed and gave me overnight leave tonight until tomorrow where my ITO will be turned over to the Geelong team on a CTO. It's all too much for my little brain to comprehend. I've been told if my weight drops below my fear weight I will be sent back to prison hospital which to me means your fat and there's nothing you can do! Suck it up princess. Well there'll be no sucking for me thankyou. I'm sorry mum and dad please forgive me I've had enough. 

My dads come up with a ludicrous plan to feed me marijuana to calm my anxiety and give me the munchies and in turn he's taking me off all other medication. Ludicrous! But I'll let him do his thing whilst I do mine. 

By the way I highly suggest you check out an artist I found online by the name of 'he glass child' which reminds me of another little known artist Maria mena check them out!

Xx bec

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was an ordinary girl who turned out to be not so ordinary in the end. Her name was nothing to remember she was just another pretty face in a forgotten crowd another name thrown about like the clothes she changed endlessly before a date. She was married. In an abusive relationship where divorce was little to be heard of. A sort of Pandora's box; open it and all who do, die! Her name was I her husband Anorexia. And that's the end no happy ever after just the remnants of a life a forgotten face in a forgotten crowd 

The count down has begun until I go back to hospital back to my cell back to the only safe place there is to eat. 2 waking hours. But before then I have to get through the next part of the day of eating every meal and morsel put in front of me before I will truly be safe from hospital to go back to my deceptive ways of anorexia. One more snack I can do this! This is all too confusing all too much and soon to be all too little all too nothing! I'm ready for this to be over I'm ready for the end. But there is no end in sight. Anorexia won't be happy until I'm dead! 

I'm not very talkative as of recent times but it helps to get as little out as I am please forgive my rambles. I need out I want to run into anorexias safe arms but at the moment I have to compromise. Peace out. 

Xx Bec 

Short and sweet

I said something yesterday about plans changing well, mine changed. I decided to eat. I decided for health. I decided for home. It's just come 8pm and plans are taking a quick turn around. Again. I'm panicking, I'm eating, I'm gaining and panicking some more. Plans are changing again I've decided for sickness for skinny for hunger for exercise for escape for quiet for happiness! How could anyone 'decide' for this? They can't! It's a condemnation! This post is going nowhere fast so I'll leave it at that skip supper and go to bed.

Night Bella's 

Xxx Bec 

When there's nowhere left to go

I'm on extended weekend leave. Again. Set up for failure. Again. 

I'm set on skipping every meal from now until I go back on Monday morning so we're looking at a 3 day fast. Doable souley living off chai tea and diet jelly. That's the plan. Plans change.

My mum has no faith in me my dad has no faith in me my treatment team have no faith in me and my grandpas losing faith in me which leads to a pretty nonexistent self esteem.

There's a saying that when you hit rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up. I'm not quite at the bottom yet, but this weekend should bring me quite near. My eyes flicker to the light that seems so far from reach as my legs dangle midair waiting to touch solid ground --being the bottom of all lows--

Xxx Bec 

**Rambles**

My life has come to an abrupt holt. Every second of every waking minute of every day has turned into what is and isn't Anorexia. How I live and in turn don't live with or without Anorexias' looming presence in my life.

I sit here drinking my 'safe' Chai tea counting down the hours until my impending discharge against all my parents best wishes. But at least I'm not counting the calories (89)... more or less letting the calories dictate me. I'm too exhausted to let this dismal number worry me plus it's already classed as a 'safe' food/drink/condiment.

I'm in the "too hard basket" for the hospital care team and for my parents. My mum see's me as a lost cause "...being in hospital is not important that's going to be her way of life..." real confidence booster there.

No matter where I go I'm a burden on my careers'. This is the way one is made to feel; hopeless and helpless- when all else fails to correct my irregularities, when all else fails to repair the broken remnants of my life.

Too hard basket

I'm writing this entry with tears streaming down my face making a small Nile river of its own. And I don't know why I'm --what is this thing? Crying!? 

I wasn't discharged today after my epic failure of a weekend but it will be reviewed on Thursday and basically if I eat I have a guarantee so I can go home where I have openly stated to my treatment team I'll go back to square one.

I'm in the 'too hard basket'

Sorry for my lack of words in stuck in a depressive funk 

Xxx Bec 

Home sweet home

I'm home on extended weekend leave and, I'm failing dismally.

Today I have managed a whole 194cals broken down that's 2 pieces of bread and 2 eggs (@6.30 at night may I add) it's taken me a whole day to manage not even a quarter of my meal plan there's no hope at reaching.

And now that I've eaten I've taken a silent vow not to eat again before Tuesday. Should be a sinch but I'm a little out of practice and my hearts already not coping I though it was going to give out on me walking from the bus stop home which is quite literally just around the corner.

And somehow somewhere in amongst this I'm still praying for discharge on Tuesday. A girl can have dreams can't she? Apparently not when they are this far fetched. If I am by some miracle discharged there must be something seriously wrong, and I don't know who with, me or 'the team'?

I went to the cinemas with my little sister today and wasn't even able to enjoy myself I was fretting over the tea I drank earlier on. Well now I've eaten too my anxiety is through the roof so I've popped one of my favourite pills-lorazepam-in the hopes that I will just drift off to sleep. But even there I'm still haunted by food.

My ruby shoes

Wounds may heal 

Scars may fade

But memories remain

My dad picked me up this morning for weekend leave until Tuesday. I'm free! First port of call spontaneous piercing (my belly button) I'm quite happy but I won't post a picture as yet because well I feel 'fat' argh. But that should be sorted soon as I plan on fasting until I get sent back to hospital :)

I changed my Facebook picture to me and one of the other patients I've grown quite fond of and my dads first comment to me was "you both look like death warmed up" well needless to say I was quick smart to change that.

Anyway I'm out of pointless jibber jabber so I'll be off

Xxx Bec

Another day

So I handled yesterday's let down well with a little help from my friend ebay retail therapy from the confines of hospital today.

I'm busting to go home I have done everything expected of me to gain this privilege and yet I am petrified out of my skin about going home about failing (or succeeding) about coming back a failure at square one again which is the only option i see maybe then i will view myself as sick enough. Pfft who am I kidding I will NEVER be good enough sick enough blah blah blah

Thinking i might get my belly button pierced tomorrow for a bit of a change I'm feeling spontaneous

Xxx Bec

What a blow

Well I was desperately looking forward to gaining my freedom tomorrow but now that plans been blown out of the water because my lovely psychiatrist P is not in this week. So we're now looking at weekend leave and then discharge on a CTO early next week.

The prison hospital can't send me home without the appropriate paperwork done first. So now I have to make it through almost another week before I can throw my hands in the air and say enough! On a positive note I will get my favourite hospital dinner; curried tofu, Thursday night.

This still seems to be a big blow to me and unfair blow at it, I just want to go home, no pretending, no facade, and the all known not eating, just the real me, the anorexic me, the sick me, te unforgivable me!

Mum has said that I have to eat with the family when I come home I have no intention on following through and perhaps then I can validate myself perhaps then I can feel I deserve this place at the hospital, but perhaps again maybe not. Only time will tell...

"When life gets tough remember, you were the strongest sperm"

Another statistic

"...A third of all Anorexics stay sick forever. A third to a half will truly recover. The rest, stay on the brink of illness, living diminished lives: they have trouble keeping friends and holding down jobs; they cycle in and out of hospitals. They spend years on the outside looking in, unable to live fully or wholly." The estimated cycle time is 5 to 7 years. I think I fall into one of two categories the earlier or the latter. I already feel the pull and push of Anorexia's ways cycling in and out of hospitals swallowing colourful pills that are supposed to make me happy, ease the pain, live a life. But all in all failing to succeed.

My mood is down today, my hopes are high set on Thursday discharge. Another day set-up to begin my decent and ultimately my untimely failure, yet again.

I'm holding it all together but there are cracks I'm beginning to crack, but, I once heard a quote that said the cracks are a way to let in the light. I'm confused and conflicted. Where is the light? I'm running away or maybe I'm running too? Is the light really that evil? Am I that evil?

Cray cray for Thursday

Ward round proved a success!

My first act of semi freedom was downstairs for a chai latte, and they're looking at discharge on Thursday this week! --still not a guarantee-- Wow, that's all I can say is WoW!

Needless to say my parents are pulling their hair out. And me I'm plotting my return to the safety I know of as Anorexias tantalising poisonous arms.

UPDATE: Well I've now spoken to my parents and the reception was not good! Little less did I expect. My dad rang the hospital in a fit of despair whilst I sat listening to his furry in a flurry of tears. My dad is disappointed in the naivety of the team and I am baffled by the same naivety they exhibit.

Around we go again

Tomorrow is ward round day, again. Which I believe is just a trial of our anxiety or in my case my 'social phobia' and anxiety. Its a claustrophobic room with too many people to name but I'm going to try, a dietician, a social worker, a registrar, a resident, a psychiatrist, a nurse and usually a student too plus the individual. But for some strange reason I have been hanging out for ward round to come around again since Thursday ward round finished.

I'm crossing my fingers and toes plus anything else crossable that I will be taken off the ITO tomorrow and discharge myself in succession. But the likelihood is looking bleak, but, I can always hope and pray that's one thing no-one can take from me plus I don't understand why discharge couldn't be on the cards as I've followed all the guidelines to get me to that point.

My friend came up today after getting lost (she's geographically illiterate) which was a nice break up of the day but time flew and she was as quickly out the door as she was in. Tomorrow my dad's supposed to be making an appearance after two weeks family free I'm looking forward to it and dreading it all at once, I'm looking forward to seeing him but dreading him leaving me in this prison hospital. I can already see it playing out in my head the time for him will come and I will be hanging on to his leg begging and pleading with him not to leave me in prison hospital to take me home!

Challenges, Triumphs and Trials

Today has proved the most challenging day for too long to recall (That or the days all seem to merge into one a highly likely possibility).

My older sister  and her fiance came up to visit today which I haven't seen since early January when I was at my sickest in a long time. I was jittery and nervous about my grown physique although I found comfort and solstice in the fact that she said I still 'look anorexic'. She bought me a giant 80cm elephant teddy (for those of you who don't know I'm obsessed with elephants!)

Today also proved challenging because not only did I see my sister for the first time since re-entering 'recovery' but I bought a vanilla chai which a) I've never had before and b) was a deviation from my meal plan that I just wasn't ready for, its left my ED thoughts running rampant.

I'm really anxious about the approaching meal times, about the approaching food, about my impending discharge, I can't slow down my thoughts and I can't articulate them and holding myself together at the moment is proving a difficult task in itself.

My close friend is supposed to be coming up to visit tomorrow and my dad is supposed to succeed that on either Monday or Tuesday and I'm hoping by Thursday I'm discharged. A girl can hope, right? In other news my sisters expecting a baby. GUESS WHO'S GOING TO BE AN AUNTY!?

Meet Guss the Elephant

Xxx Bec