Take two; enrolling

Its 12pm here. Lunch time. But low and behold lunch is yet to be made. Grandpa's asleep. To fill the pit in my stomach. The bottomless pit that is my stomach. I'm cutting back drastically. Its safe foods for breakfast safe foods for dinner and whatever gourmet meal my gran whips up for lunch. Makes me feel like a glutton even though i'm eating probably no more then 1000 cals a day I feel like i'm right back at the start eating one substantial meal a day now I'm waiting for the weight loss slow and steady to kick in. Drag me down. Pull me under.

In more positive news I picked up my enrolment forms today. All filled out. Nursing come at me! Now all I'm waiting on is for my birth certificate and tax file number to be sent up here so i can get approved for government funding. I'm a bundle of nerves its like my first day of high school all over again. What will people think of me what will i wear will i live up to my own expectations will i be better or worse. And whats more is I'm excited about being able to skip meals all over again! Anorexia still dominates even if she's taken a back seat she is always lurking around every bend up each hill.

How will I cope?

Well after my last post, I fell.
Hard.
I hit my head on the way back up.
I'm back to the 75% self proclaimed 'recovering failure' that i was beforehand.
But things are different. I'm still fighting relapse tooth and nail. I am doing it a little less subtly though now. Slowly decreasing my intake. Restricting to safe foods. Waiting for the over exercise to kick in.

I'm planning for the future. Or trying too. Trying to make something of my life other then hospital, home, relapse, hospital, tube feed, home, relapse.
The same cycle I have been living in for the last 3 years.
I'm looking at moving to live with my grandparents. I'm looking at studying nursing. All good things i suspect. But the ever looming "How will you cope" lingers over my head.

How will I cope?

relapsing again :(

Today is D day I have officially relapsed...i think. I am refusing to eat. I am hurting my grandparents I know they both hate to see me this way but i can't stop it. I wish i could. My grandma asked me what was wrong as i hadn't left my room all day (its now 1.30) so i told her i was struggling so of course she told my grandpa. My grandpa then came in and asked if i wasnt going to grace them with my presence I replied no and he asked why i told him i was struggling i didn't want to eat and i wanted to go home because i didn't want to be a burden on them. He told me i wasn't a burden i wasnt failing (like i also told him i felt like) and if i wanted to go home we could arrange that but just to please think about it. I'm a mess I want this to and fro of anorexia to end it hurts so bad it tears families apart. My gran just came in and asked what i wanted for lunch i told her i didn't want anything and she said you might not want anything but you need something it might help. IT DOENS'T FUCKING HELP I KNOW MY BRAIN AND WHAT IT DOES TO ME WHEN I EAT IT HATES ME AND BERATES ME!!! Shes only trying to help but she doesn't understand even if she wants too.

My grandpa is spending more time with his exchange students daughter then me. He doesn't seem to care much for my company which is really disheartening my psychologist wants to ship me off to another team. The world is just piling up on top of me. I can't cope with abandonment. I wasn't coping with my anorexia before i came up here so why did i think it would be any different when i got here? Probably because i can't hurt my grandparents  i can't let them watch me die.

I think its time to go home mum and dad won't support me its just not fair on any of my family :'(

Next stop struggle town

Well it has been just over a week since i last posted. And since then i have arrived safely in the home of my grandparents. Its not going as well as i had planned. I am actually really not doing well at all i have entered struggle town again and it's not letting up. I am constantly thinking about relapse. I spoke to my mum on the phone last night and let her know i was struggling she told me to take it one step at a time and that i was doing great. We all know how anorexia interprets 'great'...fat! 

My little sister is apparently suicidal so she's moving out to live with my older sister who too is suicidal great combo or what!? Although its not yet set in stone. My family is just one big fucked up mess. What did my parents ever do to deserve us horrible shits for kids? I wish i could just remove myself form the family erase their memory that i ever existed and let them be free. They don't deserve this!

My grandma just came into my room and reminded me that i promised her when i booked the flights up here i would come to her healthy but this isn't about health I can't stop these things from happening she'll only send me home so it doesn't really matter I don't care if I go home early I care about my anorexia about getting thin about the high about the power the control I show the determination I possess. And I wish to dear god she would stop telling me how proud she is of me and my efforts to conquer Anorexia she has no idea and its so patronising!

infection, appointment and holidays

Again I am becoming inconsistent with my blogging. I start writing and then i read it and delete it all because I sound...incoherent all over the place and ramblish (I made that one up its like rambling).

I changed my belly bar for the second time last week (? I bought a pretty one as i will be wearing a bikini almost everyday for the next month and i wanted to show off) and since then the bump i had reached a climax it was hurting to bend and it bleed. I rang my piercer on Sunday and she said to try salt water for a few days and if that doesn't help to pop in. Well I'm glad to say after a course of salt water and bepanthem for the last two days it has decreased quite dramatically in size from about 1/2 to 3/4. I did however go in to see my piercer today to get a 'treatment' in case it flared back up because I'm going away but she wasn't open. Who doesn't open at 9am on a weekday!?

Then i wondered up to my psych appt at 10. I lied to her...a lot. Shes trying to help but i just dont want it any more. I didn't disclose my disasterous weekend alone which resulted in one meal a day. I also didnt tell her i bought razors especially for cutting and i also didnt tell her im looking at doing my school in a different state with my grandparents. I did tell her i feel abandoned, like i should discontinue therapy and that i dont want to be labeled BPD.

I leave tomorrow at about 7.45 the bus leaves at 8.15 i get to the airport at 9.40 and then my flight doesnt leave until 11.05 I'm due to get in at 12.15 their time (they are an hour behind us). I'm almost all packed i went to the shop last night and picked up the last few things all thats left to pack is my toiletries and computer (or at least thats all that i can think of). I have two suitcases full incase i do decide to stay (even if i do i have to come back home for a week or two to tie up loose ends and get some more stuff). I'm so excited to go to start fresh to accomplish something with my life.

Talking about buying the last few things to pack last night, I bought new bras i went from an Australian size 12B to a Australian size 14D! :O WHAT THE FUCK!? My boobs are officially huge (I now know where i have placed all this weight!)

breaking before the break

I had a melt down yesterday where i refused to eat after i weighed myself for the first time since going into treatment in november I am not going to say the results, I'm still not doing well i haven't eaten all day and i'll probably wait until dinner because my friend is coming over. 

We're supposed to be having indian I'm looking forward to it and dreading it both at the same time i like indian but i hate calories plus there will be a lot of empty alcohol calories involved too. But hopefully that will numb me and I will forget about the shit life i have. 

I just have to hold it together for another 1-4 weeks because i'm going away and if i refuse to eat before then i won't be allowed to go and i really need a break. I need a break from life. From treatment. From recovery. 

I finished my painting today now it's time to start another one for my mum the same safari theme but with giraffes instead of a bird and elephant. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life once I have finished it it's the one thing keeping me going right now. I have no ideas left in my head. Painting is so hard for me but i love it too I'm getting better at it as well, slowly but surely. 

Carpe Diem

I have a week until i go away for a month and my life is falling apart at the seams i dont know if i can last another week of trying to act normal i just want to fall headlong and stop the torment inside my head :(.

i see my gp on the 12th and my psych on the 13th she knows im not holding up well but not to the extent and then i leave on the 14th until feb 11th. I'm not even looking forward to going away anymore because i dont want to be a burden on my grandparents which i will be but i cant waste the money, my anorexia is calling me.

Its made even more difficult as my parents have gone away for the weekend which is usually a time for my anorexia to 'seize the day' carpe diem but at the same time i'm torn between wanting recovery and wanting relapse. I guess I'm just scared i will end up back in hospital with a tube. And more importantly in our general psych ward (which can't help for shit). Thats what i am ultimately scared of not so much as the relapsing. 

this is my painting i still have to paint the bird but you get the picture 

UPDATE: I just weighed myself for the first time since going into hospital I gained 15Kilos I am at my heaviest I'm bawling my eyes out and i refuse to eat from here on out looks like i wont be going away :'( skinny is worth more to me then family look at my priorities

cage

"You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage.
Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself...
It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."
- Breakfast at Tiffany's

I'm running but from what? From who? I'm running from myself I'm running to my Anorexia like I've done so many times before. I'm running. Bolting. You might even mistaken me for Usain Bolt if you saw me beside the road pounding the concrete in the hot summer sun. 

I rang my gp today to see if there was any spare appointments an there wasn't like i suspected there never is she's so busy. Its only her and one other lady. In a huge complex which is home to 3 different services. Well I rang to get a script written up and asked them if they could get her to leave it at reception. She agreed. I arrived and the script still wasn't ready, so they rang her. A good 3 minutes later she popped out of her office and handed me the slip and asked how i was i mumbled "ok" which we all know is code for "I'm struggling...a lot" she asked if i had an appt booked with her i said yes on the 12th she turned to me and replied we will talk then, I nodded. At least i got my meds. 

I'm preoccupied again my anorexia ravaging my every thought like poison entering your blood stream. i know I'm slipping and I love it and hate it all at once. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I'm not the 75% self proclaimed recovering failure that i keep acting like i am. Even my dreams are consumed i am having nightmares about having a tube put in again and being pinned down to the bed by code grey security men *shudders*

like sand though my fingers

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I just want to succumb to the thoughts lets them cover me and keep me warm like a blanket in the winter or a warm mug of coffee.

I ODed last night nothing too bad i took 80 mg of olanzapine and 20 mirtazapine. I just didn't know what to do anymore I just wanted to sleep (not death sleep) :'( to stop the misery. I won't be doing that again anytime soon I didn't get to sleep until 3am I was having jerks hallucinations and couldn't sleep I'd lye down and jolt back up mumbling something I couldn't even understand. And then I had an awful dream I didn't eat for two days so they put me back in the children's ward with an NG tube. I didn't wake up today until 11.30 when someone came banging on my door I was just so tired and then i slept all day I think it was the meds finally settling in. I thought i was dying but like hell was i going to tell someone.

Argh stupid me I'm just letting my life slip through my fingers. I have decided I will completely stop eating january 29th of there abouts because I know i can do it whenever I want.

I rang disability support agent and she said I have to pay for the course and they will reimburse me $300 off a course that costs 1400$ and it had to be paid in full before the school year begins did I mention I'm broke and can't afford it :''( now I have an excuse to NOT eat. 

Why does nothing I want to do ever work out?

6 weeks 'clean' and drowning

I don't know where to begin long time no see? And no just because of my hiatus does not mean i was in hospital. Not this time. I'm 6 weeks 'clean'.

I honestly don't know what to say I'm at a loss for words. Lets just say I'm not doing to well on the eating disorder forefront. I'm putting on my smily face and trying to prove to the world i can do this that i am happy and loving life. Friends from treatmetn keep asking how i am and i keep saying "great really well thank and you?" I wish, The sad truth is i'm not. I'm not happy I'm not ok and i'm not loving life. Honestly I want my anorexia to kill me as youve heard me say before i'll say it again and its sad seeing myself at this point again.

I have picked up cutting again after at least a 6 month stretch of no self harm (I dont consider my anorexia self harm).

I have picked up scrapbooking and journalling again. My psychs always telling me to get back into old hobbies and i just feel so shit right now im desperate and will do anything. Usually I just don't do anything. I did some more of my painting too (I started a 3-day-project lets see I have taken up camp in the kitchen lol) . My psych was really impressed and asked me to bring some along if I'd like. I might even give her the painting its a trial run of what i want to do on my wall. Photos to come when it's finished of course. 

I don't know what else to say other then today's appointment. Disaster. I want to cry just thinking about it. I was honest. So she did a blind weigh to get a base weight. She wants me to do dbt or cat therapy which involves changing teams (and being diagnosed as bpd- borderline personality disorder- which i refuse to be diagnosed as) and i don't feel ready to i like her and i have a lot more work to do i'm so unsteady. 

She says i have " an extremely strong eating disorder and I don't want you to live alone because you will end up in hospital faster then you know it. I want you to go into mental health housing if you are to move out." So  now she wants me to convince my dad that i should go there. Shes going to ring him. I don't know if i want to i could get away with a lot in there but i could get away with a lot more on my own lets face it and hey i might even die young? sorry i know morbid but i'm so down right now i dont care.

im so drained emotionally. i can feel the pull of the tide and i'm drowning. I actually WANT to drown end all this shit. pills pills pills anorexia anorexia anorexia. Might actually take my medication today and a double (or triple) dose. I need to sleep. And i haven't taken my medication for two weeks as i was running out :/ but i NEED it NOW! I NEED something :''( and whats worse is i don't see my dr until the 12th.