This place is dope ;D

So I think an update for swanno is in order. I've had my ups and downs mostly ups but hey who doesn't? I pulled the tube out Sunday nigh met with m sick psychiatrist J who made me have the tube out back in yesterday to almost have me pull it out again tonight. The nurses have been pushing my buttons I was supposed to get overnight leave tonight but they screwed me over so I'm stuck here. I'm hoping to get discharged tomorrow as I accordance with the plan.

I smoked my first bit of dope tonight in hospital (we smuggled it in) and man I don't wanna not smoke it! I've taken to smoking cigarettes in here what's the saying coffee and cigarettes the diet of a skinny girl well...almost skinny girl

the end

I'm on over night leave

I'm running away tomorrow

I'm sectioned

I have a nasogastric tube

I'm in an acute psych ward

But not chronically ill enough to be sent to our SPECIALIST unit

I'm so triggered by everyone around me

And I'm fat 

I'm fucked

I don't care

This is it, this is the end

Update from swanno

Just a quick update whilst I have my phone Monday I ran away from the medical ward after they old me they were moving me to the psych ward. I wasn't impressed. So I packed my things an took off. My parents bought me back. So I now sit here in the psych ward (with my phone being taken off me) sectioned an with an NGT. However I had a meeting with P my psychiatrist this morning who said if I don't tamper with the tube then I can have weekend leave and a discharge early next week! So freaking excited I think this will be my shortest hospital stay at 2.5 weeks.

Got weighed this morning 70.7kg! I am so fucking fat! Wait until I get out watch it melt away

glutton for failure

Food, food, food. You'd think I'd learn. Apparently not. 1,495calories later. Coffee, low fat ice cream, diet jelly, iced coffee, big mac burger, lrg chips, cheeseburger, soup. Disastrous. I'm so full I keep burping and puking in my mouth. Disgusting! I escaped to macca's at lunch time today I was starving as I tend to do so lately but now I just feel sick mentally and physically. I'm a pig, no thats and insult to the poor animal. I'm a glutton for failure.

Well I should hopefully be moving tomorrow where all temptation is taken away. I can start from scratch. Every minute every time I say 'no thankyou' every day is a new beginning. I can do this! I have to do this. I've done it before. I'm too fat for anything else.

I'm a failure no matter which way I swing I can never eat or not eat enough without guilt piling up that I could of done better even when not a morsel enters my body for say...8 days.

Hospital life is quite boring I sleep through the majority of the day waking when people wish to take my blood pressure or to bother me with food. I vow that tomorrow will be a better day as I do every day.

My neighbour left today after being told there was 'no medical reason to keep (him)' well now I have a new neighbour his name too is graham, thing is...its an old friends step dad I didn't account on that one! We did that awkward look at each other then I pulled my curtain around. I can barely deal with the nurses let alone people I know...used to know.

One big nothing

I just heard the guy across from me be told ‘there’s no medical reason for (him) to still be in hospital.’ HOW does he get told there’s nothing ‘medically wrong’ with him and he can go home and yet I’m stuck in this stupid hospital bed? Wasting space, time and resources and to make it worse he’s complaining about going home! Try being me sunshine then complain!

I’m back to not eating it feels so natural I don’t know what possessed me the other night to go on such an eating rampage, I won’t be doing that one again. I was just SO hungry. I’m currently sitting at day two. Did I mention that the dietician came in and said I either drink or get hooked back up to the drip, M sometimes I hate you (She’s actually a really lovely dietician very forthcoming) She actually made sure the hospital had fruche yoghurts for me! (–That’s all I ate last time I was here.)

The dr just came in and also said I was dry and getting dehydrated again and if I don’t start drinking then tomorrow they will hook me back up to the drip gaah this is all black mail.

  

Sorry this is such an empty post my days are full of one big nothing

Nightmare on Elm street

So today has been a day from hell, its been a nightmare. I'm ready for it all to be over with, me trying to be brave and put on a face honestly you'd think I'd learn the first...second...third (you get the point) time. But no I'm still falling into old habits of deceit.

I had a burst of energy where I thought 'hey I can do this I can eat like a normal person I can be something more then Anorexia' well... one could only assume how well that paned out. It was a MESS! I ate...and I didn't stop, I just kept going shovelling food into my mouth like I was stealing something. I don't even want to count the calories I don't even want to list it but for my own disgrace I will; Apple juice, coffee, chai tea, choc/caramel sundae, chicken parmi, brussel sprouts, beans, soup and potato bake... I felt it was the least I deserved WHAT A FAT DISGUSTING STUPID GLUTTONOUS PIG I AM, I would almost be willing to blame it on possession of the body but who am I kidding I don't even believe in superstition.

My psychiatrist wants to move me to the psych ward tomorrow. Only if I'm drinking. Well I think I proved that I could do that tonight. I'm dreading the psych ward its so crazy it makes me feel loony! Maybe I am?! All I have to do is drink! No food well I can do that I'm the best at no food I just lasted 8 days to ruin it tonight hytsifboidcioty, so the fast begins from scratch again tomorrow. I am riddled with guilt and vow to start again. How many days can I last this time? It's a never ending circle like being stuck on a carousel...drunk...unable to get off. I'm a bit distressed about the move although I don't believe I belong on a medical ward I don't feel I belong anywhere to be quite frank. Maybe it's time for a premature discharge?

Record broken

So as a follow up from yesterday my treatment team were advised that I'd presented at emergency and were asked to call me. Pointless. Well my psychologist was really worried about me and I needed a script so she arranged an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist.

Well he was really nice to me despite my reluctance and reassurance that  I was "fine" and "Ok" he asked me to think about going to a medical ward for at least a drip because I refused a psych ward. I thought about it and called him back and solemnly agreed. He rang the hospital and they said there was no beds available I couldn't help but jump with joy but that happiness was short lived as I was rung by the hospital saying be here at 12 tomorrow.

And thats where I'm at today not to mention the foretold kicking out my parents told me today that inevitably I will end up in hospital and when I get out I need to find somewhere else to live its "not because we don't love you its because its unfair on the kids and us to see you not eating and collapse" *sigh* if only they understood this wasn't about them.

Anyway on a positive note I've lost 5.4kg in the last week thats 11.9pounds and 2.0 off my bmi although i still sit in the healthy range by a long shot.

Hospital

At 2.30 this morning my dad told me to go to hospital or get out. In fear of being homeless i chose to go to hospital.

They did my pulse my blood pressure an ecg hooked me up to a heart monitor and took bloods. All came back in the normal range although I'm tachycardic (my heart rate jumps then drops). I was cleared from a medical perspective and had to then see the psych team who judged me sane enough to go home.

So I'm home until I start passing out I'm still not eating or drinking and I have consumed a whole 2 ice cubes in the past 5 days. The hospital says they can't do anything until I start passing out.

I slept the afternoon away woke up and did my families dishes to which I was completely exhausted from once I finished I lay down on the couch and got up and the dizzy spells began. I'm bordering but I'm too consumed to let my Anorexia go.

The dr warned me that I will go into kidney failure and be on dialysis it didn't scare me one bit, I stared at her with complete dismay and continued on my way.

Wel la positive from today is my parents can't kick me out because I did what they wanted.

The slippery slope

Well it's been another long day. The days seem to be getting longer and I am just praying every second for them to end.

I've had the cold shoulder all day from both my mum and dad. So I don't know why they bought me home they don't want to watch me starve but yet they're not willing to help me at all, not that i care I'm quite happy dying over here.

My 5yr old brother offered me one piece of popcorn today and with a sad look in his eyes said "Becca please you have to eat" oh dear I wish it was that easy. I sadly declined.

My mum had a pyjama day today and got on the alcohol last night which means I still write to you from the comfort of our foldout couch :P. I guess we're all waiting for the inevitable to happen; passing out.

My BGL yesterday was 5.7 today its gone down to 3.9 which means I am officially having a hypo because I don't have enough sugar in my body not to mention the dehydration. I finally feel like i am accomplishing something Anorexia wise.

We all know where this is headed :(

day 3/8; kicked out then told to come back?

I thought yesterday was a mess well I definitely know now that it could have gotten messier.

It did.

My dad told me I cant live here and not eat/drink "the next step is passing out and I wont have the children scared so its either eat or come 5pm I'm kicking you out" 

So I went to my sisters house of all places we don't even talk! but she was the only person who I could call that would understand listen and have a plan. We rang my grandpa.

My mum called me wanting me to come home and "discuss our options"

I went home

She wants me to drink ensure until tuesday when I can call D's office (my psych) but I can't stomach food/drink calories or no calories of any sort or when she's finished her dinner around 6ish she will take me back to hospital for an NGT, SHE DOESNT GET TO DECIDE THAT, SHES NOT A DR!!! I'M 18 AND I'M A VOLUNTARY PATIENT so f you mum I WILL NOT DRINK/EAT and I refuse to have an NGT that should be my decision due to my medical status plus I'm not currently in imminent danger.

My mum doesn't want me to go back to hospital but thinks i should be there....mind fucked.

We will see come tomorrow these next few hours will be what shows I suppose I'm just not ready for recovery I feel fine right now and my BGL was only 5.7 which means I haven't done enough yet *sighs*

I don't even have scales to see the progress >:( before they take it away from me

FML

Wow what do I say another eventful day in the life of another anorexic

I'm on day 2 of at least an 8 day fast maybe more I just can't stomach the idea of food/drink I don't know how I'll start to eat again.

I'm supposed to be having ensure's but I can't! I keep tipping them down the sink and I was BUSTED! I feel so guilty for drinking something I didn't drink because I'm finding it hard to trust myself that I didn't actually drink it.

So my dad entered my room and said if I'm not going to eat I have to find somewhere else to live because he won't watch me do what I want without him saying something....which ultimately means he will send me back to hospital if I don't move out :'(

I'm baaaaack

Well its been a long time coming!

I've been out of hospital again for a month now after another 4 month stay and things are taking a nose dive yet again. I told my parents today I refuse to eat we came to a compromise for the next two days without discussion all I have to eat or should I say drink is ensure. HOW THE HELL DO THEY EXPECT ME TO EAT! I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it...in two days last time we came to a compromise like this they said two days and we only lasted a night but I swear to god I am NOT going back to prison hospital!

I guess thats about all I have to say other then I may become a regular again *sighs* I thought i was past this