A breath of fresh air

Ok so yet again it's been a long time since I posted. It's not that I haven't wanted to. But again nothing seems quite out-of-the-ordinary enough to write about and, my dads become an Internet natzi again banning us. So I'm going off my phone data. So it might be a while until my next post. Which is a little upsetting as writing my blog is so therapeutic for me.

Firstly before I forget, call me crazy, in a moment of insanity I made warm blueberry soup served with cinnamon and soy yoghurt. AND, I was pleasantly surprised at how appealing and tasteful it was considering its calorific content (which I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in). Unfortunately my phone seems to disapprove of my posting of pictures so it'll have to wait >:< 

Well I've been busy. Super busy. Out since 8.30 this morning and only walked in the door at quarter to 7! It's now 10pm and I'm tucked up in bed with my dog and electric blanket. Appointments left right and centre every corner I turn or hill I climb. Today there was two. Another 8 booked before August 20th. And I came away feeling the best in a long time. So here's the verdict, my case manager is being changed. I'm doing CAT therapy. I'm being referred to a dietician. My meds were changed. My med management was changed. I am also now on melatonin ($70 not on PBS!!!) and off olanzapine and on seroquel regularly. My reflux med doubled. If my reflux persists I have to have a gastroscopy! (Can I just say chai tea does not taste so good a second time round) Scary business. Also I have to wear a holter monitor (anyone with experience please share I can't find anything online! Dr Google why must you fail me?!) on August 20th for my tachy for 24hrs so we can investigate further and get a diagnosis! Finally. My gp appt was booked for 30minutes (regular) but her first appt didn't show, good thing, my appt took the whole double! Oh and I'm off weekly pickup. Yay yay yay. Productive appts and my gp is really happy with me and supportive of me and my concerns. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE my gp? I would turn gay for her except that would be a pointless exercise on account of her a)being married and b)having a patientVSdr relationship barrier.

I have also been thinking of contacting some family friends recently which to me personally are more like family (probably more so then my actual family, can I adopt them?) anyway it enters my mind and as quickly as it does it escapes it. So I keep forgetting. I was waiting to pick my meds up from the chemist this afternoon and low and behold he messaged me asking how I was long time no talk, that kinda jazz. So I quickly took my chance piped up and asked them to meet up. He messaged me back later as I was on the bus inviting me to breakfast on Sunday. So it's booked. I am both overjoyed with excitement and yet a terrible bundle of nerves. We are yet to decide where and what time (I am not an early bird especially not on <6hrs sleep a night for the last 7months! With maybe a handful of restful nights, nor am I a breath or fresh air first thing in the mornings fair to say I am not your early bird kinda gal). The next big question is, WHAT SHALL I WEAR???h

I'll ponder...The short version... The psychiatrist.

It was an early one today. Well little sleep was to be had. Up with the birds and the bees and not a break of sunlight shone through the dark clouds that threatened to break their banks. 

My appointment with the psychiatrist was at 9. I was a bundle of nerves I couldn't construct a sentence or articulate myself appropriately to demonstrate my higher then normal intellect. 

I made my way to the bus stop as the sky broke. The bus was unfashionably late as usual but the driver drove at such speed I reached the destination in record time! Maybe it was a sign, I shouldn't of gone? Or maybe I should of? I'm a strong believer in 'signs'. 

I entered the front door. The ONLY door. Or so it appeared. I approached the desk a friendly lady sat hunched over a desk looking at a computer. Feeling like a timid child I stuttered "um, hello?...excuse me? Well, ah... I'm supposed to have an appointment. At *what time was it* 9. *They probably need to know WHO WITH Rebecca. Idiot* With Peter. My names ah *shit what's my name?* Rebecca". I was directed to head up the side of the building and "follow the path" where I would come to another door. Did I mention there was NO PATH! I was going 4wheel driving (well 2legged geographically illiterate where the hell am I going I'm out of my mind what am I doing walking).

I found a door. Heart races. Turn the knob. Push. Locked. I found another door. Heart thumps. Turn the knob. Take a breathe and hold. Push. Locked. Just my luck. About to give up and retreat in a flurry of tears I find yet ANOTHER DOOR! Follow the same routine, but, wait for it, CLICK! Door opens and a great gust of warm wind blows in my face. I'm in. In HIS territory. Out of MY comfort zone. So many thoughts tangle into one like a piece of string that's been thrown in the back of your cupboard a while. Intangible. 

With the drivers broken brake and my sense of direction (or lack thereof) I was still 15 minutes early (as a pose to my original 30). He walks in says good morning to the receptionist. Ignores my existence. I'm clearly the ONLY ONE THERE! Goes in one door. Disappears. Comes out another door. Comments on the receptionist redecorating of the office and as quick as he appears disappears again. Watch the clock. Moments pass and the first door opens and he steps to the side. "Come on in".

The appointment was about 15-20minutes late (can I just stop there and ask how, HOW can you be late to the FIRST appointment when you are IN the building on time???). I scan him up and down in his usual black suit and dress shoes and take in his tie. Blue and Paisley. No duck tie *sad faces*. He didn't have that skip in his step or his usual smile. Don't over analyse everything Rebecca. Too late. IRRATIONAL THOUGHT: He doesn't want to see me. RATIONAL THOUGHT: He probably didn't get his morning coffee. In I go. I take in his room larger then any other I've seen the scales at the forefront of the room a desk and two abnormally large armchairs to the far right corner situated in front of a wide window looking across a barren grassland. The door is a good 10meters away. Today there will be no running.

He opens the interrogation with "What's been going on?". My routine answer for people who've been out of the loop falls out of my mouth before I've had time to think "...lots..." the rest of the appointment goes a little something like this

"What is lots?"

*explains*

"What are your goals?"

*explains*

"What do you want my help with?"

"I don't know maybe *explains*"

"Well only you can do it. First comes the action and then the psychological aspect"

"Ok well I want to change. I do. I don't know how to"

"You just...stop"

"It can't be that simple"

"Your moving your leg now you have to just stop"

"Oh, shit, sorry *stops*"

"No don't apologise that's good that's the first step. You have to do that over and over again" 

"You made me anxious. I'm sorry. I didn't realise. It's habit...Ok, thanks (?) I'll try (half hearted)"

"Well is that all"

"Yeah...I think so"

"They're all good goals. I don't know how I can help. I can only see you once a month. It's costly Is that ok?"

"That's fine. I came here to get your advice I trust you and respect you. Should I get private health insurance"

"You could but it's pointless I'm not covered and I don't think ip is good for you given past experience" 

"Ok thank you. I don't want to go ip anyway"

"I'll see you in a month"

Well that's the SHORT version he mentioned meds and possibly coming off them if I'm stable and eating more and gaining weight (as that's a side effect and "not fair to you for trying to do the 'right' thing, you shouldn't be punished") and asked about my oding I was honest and told him I'm good on that forefront it's a "waste of my time, I can't be bothered  it's exhausting and i don't want my family to find me (not that I want anyone else to find me because that's not fair either)". So I was booked in for a 15minute appointment-in a month! At a ghastly cost! And not too much certainty as to if its going to be worth it. 

I'll ponder.

So, What do you do when all hell breaks loose???

Sorry I've been incognito. I've been trying to compose myself and i can feel everything slipping through my fingers. 

We didn't get the place and i blamed myself for being on DSP I know thats discrimination and illegal but who's going to know right? They don't have to give a reason why the landlords knocked us back. So we've been busy inspecting other properties.

Life's pretty hectic since my mum got home from hospital as well. I'm pretty much on baby sitting duty for the next week from morning till 6pm as dads got work and mums immobile. But that will be a little easier i guess because the kids go back to school monday. But that also means I'm on the school runs whilst trying to juggle looking after my mum school routine house hunting and appointments.

My appointment with the psychiatrist got rescheduled to monday. THIS MONDAY! At 9am! And i'm panicking needless to say. What do i wear? What do i say? It's not a 'safe' place I'll arrive early and scan the premises for an easily accessible escape route.

My OCD traits have become too much to handle I break down at the slightest side step from rules. My anorexia is slowly ravaging like a wild fire I don't even know where it's finding the oxygen to ignite it and sustain it's existence. Laxatives, Coffee, Lies and the master of Subtlety are the bane of my existence

So, What do you do when all hell breaks loose???

I want to go back to my nursing which would entail getting my RPL for what i studied earlier this year and acceptance into the full time 30hrs a wk, THIS WEEK! I doubt its even viable and i spoke to my mum about it and she doesn't think its a good idea because I'm moving. I'M ONLY MOVING BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WANT ME! Plus i feel i should get out ASAP as i KNOW I'm on the edge :'( You'd think I would be well adapted now and have acquired the skills to avert these situations. I guess not.

Also I got new glasses! :) it's great its like I'm seeing things in 3D for the first time! I don't realsie how bad my eyesight is until, well...I can't see 10 feet in front of me. The wonders of the world aahhh

Colours

I stand in my room, pacing, a million thoughts running through my head. My world has turned grey. The skies are blue, the sun has risen illuminating golden rays that can't even begin to warm my soul, the morning is just beginning, but all I see is grey! I am not happy and haven’t been for a while. Not truly happy. Momentary sparks fly. I have so many positives in my life at the moment. So many things to look forward to. So why can I not get my life in order? When one illness has been quelled another rears its ugly head like a bull. Its like my successes wave a red flag to antagonise said bull. 

I have little else to say except; I'm drowning. It's engulfing me. I'm trying ever so hard to breath under water but my lungs just aren't built for, this! My legs are caught. Tangled. I'm thrashing and getting nowhere.