Going to run away and join a circus! (TW-cutting)

It's official I'm going to run away and join a circus! Well...maybe not. Instead I will settle for sleeping with my head under the blankets on a fold up sofa listening to the buses rattle past and my dad tap tap tapping away on his computer allll day long. Again maybe I'll settle for a noon sleep in.

I just can't handle the demands of being a living thing of having to socialise of having to always smile and be the happy one, of being the fine one, when really all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry cry cry and take some pills and cut a little yes I just said that. I've missed the silvery blade the crimson rows that flow. I've MISSED it and for months I have avoided it. But as the mountain of mess in my life grows so to do my temptations to delve into old coping mechanisms because lets face it I CAN'T COPE!

But I can't go back to my old ways. I have to be strong.

And maybe your all wondering what has triggered me to think this way today. Well, I had my appointment with P and D, J didn't show and I didn't expect him too. It lasted 15 minutes! I think it was the shortest session of my life, which is a good thing because by the end of  a usual 1hr session I feel like my head is going to explode from a lack of oxygenation. What happened in that 15 minutes was fast I can barely remember it which you would think would be the opposite way around with longer sessions having more to take in. Well the same amount of attention was needed if you had of blinked it would of been over.

The verdict is J has been in consultation with JCU (the Melbourne unit) and apparently a bed is becoming available P didn't know the details he said he would talk to J and give me a call within 48hrs (which i suspect I will be waiting a lot longer for) in accordance to P I'm not coping and the team had all hoped something would just switch in my brain and I'd miraculously start eating again which doesn't look likely. P also said it could take one week two weeks he doesn't know it all depends on when someone gets discharged (discharges occur on mondays and thursdays) but he hopes I'm there before the week is out. Which means he needs to 'vary' the CTO to make me an involuntary inpatient. He's trying to respect my wishes of not going to SCU so I just have to agree to go. But HOW can i agree to go when the first thing your faced with is food I can't even fathom (bar last night which was INCREDIBLY hard) lifting a spoon or fork or anything to my mouth its just TOO hard let alone with food on it and a clock counting down in an unfamiliar familiar environment with people I don't know. Not to mention they frown upon the NGT. I don't deserve this bed someone who wants help whose sicker then me needs this bed. I honestly never thought they'd take me back because I'm so uncompliant.

I didn't give P the letter my dad told me it was "A bunch of fancible words"

I'm so surprised at how fast my referral has taken its been in a month and I know many other people who have been on the waiting list longer then me and still haven't been able to get in. Why am I so special? I feel totally unprepared for this.

On another note I was weighed as I knew I would be. The psych scales are a kg higher then the gp scales (in the same building) and according to the psych scales I had lost 1kilo since thursday (according to my wii scales I had only lost 200g since thursday) and I get weighed again on the gp scales on thursday so hoping to see a further loss. Its all I'm good at these days and I'm not even good enough yet.

Letter to P, Happy Birthday To Me

Happy birthday to me and lets celebrate by giving you an uninvited visitor. TOM. Blaah its been months since he last appeared.

I had an awful dream about going back to JCU I was pinned down sedated and had an NGT inserted where I remained sedated for a number of days being tube fed. This literally bought me to tears I woke up with a flashback of when they pinned me down in the children's ward to insert a NGT :( and the time they pinned me down in SCU to take my bp and again to take blood. It bought me to the realisation I just can't do it anymore I give up on recovery on relapse on life nothing motivates me to wake up in the morning and as soon as I do I count the hours until I can curl up in bed again and have a new dawn. Hoping for a new beginning for something inside of me to awaken. My mum believes I have a deep seated fear that it's going to happen I think she's right maybe not as far as being pinned down but having the tube put back and it scares me I have never been scared of it before (except the first time they put it in I was in hysterics) and now, now I'm petrified. I just can't handle it!

Well I guess this describes it best, I wrote a letter to my psychiatrist it reads;

'Dear P,

Anorexia is seriously and unequivocally, REALLY DAMN EFFECTIVE. You know what I wanted to eat for lunch? I wanted a grilled cheese and chicken sandwich like everyone else. Emphasis on cheese. I wanted fries with that grilled cheese and chicken sandwich, and maybe even an overpriced chocolate milkshake. But Anorexia is just so goddamn good at what it does, I settled for my 1-cup of diet coke and a plate of air, and I’m guessing that just about made its day.

The voice inside my head is so powerful I can hear its bellowing reverberate inside my head telling me like a drill sergeant to eat nothing at all for breakfast, lunch and dinner. “You can be superhuman if you will yourself to be.”

I’ve been living off a mixture of drinks for the last four weeks. That’s a month of sheer hell! The voice inside my head tells me what to do, when to do it, how much or how little I can have and what substance is acceptable. I'm a puppet. More often then not I resort to my safe diet coke how could 2 calories do me wrong. Well I still feel a tremendous amount of guilt for betraying the voice for not being strong enough to live off of nothing. For being human!

Anorexia undermines my survival instinct to such a degree that, everyday I wake up in the morning and start counting down the hours for it to be over. We hear stories about people gnawing off their own limbs to escape when trapped, about the urge to survive transcending even those situations wherein one’s demise is imminent and unavoidable. Human beings are hardwired to fight for life tooth and nail, to accept defeat only when there is literally no other recourse… and yet, because Anorexia is so talented, I’m actually EMBRACING my mortality and ANTICIPATING my release on the mortal coil.

We’ve been together for a long time. I’ve been hearing the voice for longer than I’ve been menstruating. I suppose I should admit that I would be lonely without Anorexia’s company. Who would keep me up at night? Who would remind me that, even though I might be feeling particularly saucy on any given day, I’m still utterly worthless? I don’t think anything could affect me like Anorexia does.

Today is my birthday and it doesn’t even feel like it because I’m too self absorbed, too consumed with my Anorexia that I can’t even join in the celebration. I can’t even enjoy myself on my special day. I can’t even have my cake and eat it too. I can't even enjoy homemade soup for fear of not knowing the calories no matter how much I may crave that warm feeling in my stomach. I’m writing to you because I’m at my wits end I feel like the world is caving in on me I feel like I am suffocating. I need help but, I refuse to go back to SCU it does me no good! And more mental turmoil is all that comes. I am mentally scarred for life. I feel lost and alone, secluded and like a prisoner in there and lets face it they’re not equipped to deal with me or Anorexia they patch me up and send me on my way to self destruct again and again and again.

At my wits end,

Bec'

Well I guess that says it all. I don't know if I will give it to him but it helped to write it all down.

I just agreed to have HOMEMADE PUMPKIN SOUP FOR DINNER!!! OH MY GOD MY HEART IS IN MY MOUTH but I think it has made my mums month I just don't know how I'm ever going to eat it all I want to do is cry. I get weighed tomorrow and I'm just going to be an obese whale. Looks like no weightloss for me this week. I'm bound to gain it all back especially seeing as though I have my period.

UPDATE: Well my mum made the soup and it was A-MAZING. I feel like I've been missing out on so much. It was so much better then the store bought crap. Although I know the calories in that 'crap'. I did have to take 2 lorazepam though just to help get me through and even that doesn't feel like enough I'm tempted to take more but I don't want to OD. However the bowl was HUGE! I feel like I've eaten a horse probably due to the fact it's the first time I've eaten in a month so of course my stomachs not used to it. And now I'm bloated. I won't be eating again for a LOOOONG time. Now I feel the desperate need to over compensate. 8 laxatives come at me.

Look at this card my little sister made me absolutely melted my heart

And photos of me and the cake I didn't eat

Fantasising

So I woke up this morning to a nice little surprise. 300g loss after not one but two diet cokes yesterday which to me is like eating a full roast dinner! I've lost a measly 600g in 3 days how pathetic!? But the numbers still seem to be going in the right direction no matter how slowly. I've reached GW2.

Today the cravings are intense! I guess four weeks of no food can do that to you. I'm fantasising about going on a binge fest; hot chips, burgers, gravy, parmigana, subway, chicken, sushi, S&V chips, nachos, snickers, yoghurt, cream donuts, thickshakes, pizza, chicken kiev balls, garlic bread, spaghetti bolognese, noodles, custard, ice-cream, pancakes the list could go on. But its just teasing my brain as I know if I was faced with one mouthful of food I'd take one look at it turn and run in the opposite directions in hysterics trying not to regurgitate (sorry tmi) whatever may lay in the pit of my stomach, (which would probably be diet coke).

I wonder how much longer this can go on!? It can not be sustainable I'm truly shocked and surprised at my will power (or lack thereof--I'm supposed to be recovering) to have not eaten a morsel for so long surely I have got to be doing damage to my body. I have NEVER heard of someone going this long without a thing. And what's worse is there is no end in sight. I have since found out a human can go 2 months without food! OMG :O

I'm at my wits end I want to eat I crave it and I envy everyone around me able to gorge and satisfy themselves. I just want to break down come Tuesdays appointment tell P to take control as I can't keep living this way but what stops me is the sheer fear of being sent back to the Swanston centre the ONE place I am doing everything in my power to avoid. And the dreaded tube I don't know I could handle it again laying there not moving getting fat, fat, fat!

I guess only time will tell

AFL, Mandometer, Doomed Tuesday

Today was the AFL grandfinal. In other words one of Australia's biggest piss ups. I bought alcohol last night so i could try and keep up with my parents today but what do you know even 65calories is too much for me to handle. I settled for 2 diet cokes instead which make's me feel huge and guilty. I lost 300g overnight and now I'm petrified I will have gained it all back in water weight tomorrow. My weight has barely moved since Thursday which should be a good thing a step towards staying out of hospital but to me there could be nothing worse. The next hardest day will be Monday (My birthday) as again I'm going to want to celebrate. But I can't seem to put a finger up at AN and tell it to piss off. It's been FOUR WEEKS since I last ate! I don't know how I'm still functioning.

My mum suggested today I look into going to the 'mandometer clinic' in Melbourne (it originated from Sweden_ its an intense day program the only thing that stops me is my lack of funding and the fact that i need to be 180% ready to give up this illness and I'm not sure I'm at that stage and I'm sure there would be much more deserving and willing people out there. They apparently have a 70% success rate I'm petrified I'd fall into the 20% it doesn't work for as all else has failed.

I got a lovely phone call from the registrar this morning at 11 o'clock he wanted me to get a blood test asap I basically told him where to shove it and to wait until my appointment on Tuesday why ring and waste my time on a weekend when he was supposed to call yesterday! Gaah he frustrates me he's just...idiotic I hope to god he's not in my appointment on tuesday otherwise we're bound to get nowhere. Except... P's going to be there and he lets me get away with...nothing so I doubt he will be happy sending me home 4 weeks and going of not eating. Fingers crossed he's in a good mood and fresh faced from his most recent holiday.

Birthday shenanigans

My birthday is on Monday (3days) and my dad just asked me what I wanted I'm turning 19 and I said nothing when all I really want is to eat but nobody can give me that and to achieve that would be like asking your dog to sing... Not going to happen. One might even go as far to say impossible!

My dad then had a meaningful conversation with me about my anorexia saying he is trying to respect my wishes of not wanting to go to hospital but if (and when inevitably) I go unconscious unresponsive comatos and on the brink of death will he then call an ambulance. He has also taken the mismanagement of my case to our local member of parliament.

At 5pm I went and got my hair done as a personal treat its about the only place i go other then appointments these days. I went bright red again. 

I then went to the bottle shop to buy alcohol and my allowance is two a day to celebrate grand final and my birthday. 65calories per oz so two oz is 130calories I don't even know if I will be able to handle that. For the first time ever I let my dad see the sheer panic I have over calories standing in the bottle shop for a good 20 minutes umming and areing about which alcohol had the least calories or how i could reduce the calories. And he actually helped! He then sent me to buy a slab of coke walking back to the car i thought my heart was going to give way and when I got back to the car he realised and said "that wasn't a good idea I'll carry it from here" no matter how much i reassured him I was fine so verdict is he cares. A LOT!

My dad did however bring it to my attention today that my little siblings are going to want cake and dinner on Monday. OMG stress. I don't know what I'll do maybe let them do candles and sing and just not eat? My dad understands that I can't eat not that I don't want too

Today has been a really good day in terms of getting my dad to understand a bit more that although I want to eat I just... can't. He thinks I'm screaming for help and maybe I am I just can't see it everything gets lost in my little bubble and I cant see as far forward as my nose.

I'm fine

What a stressful day!?!? I don't even know where to begin maybe the best place to start is at the beginning.

So at 10.30 I had my dreaded psych appointment. She told me she wanted me in hospital but the act prevented her from following through. There was nothing she could do and it was up to my parents to take me to hospital if they believed I became too medically compromised. I left with a glimmer of hope.

Then at 12 I had my dreaded gp appointment where all hope was dashed my blood pressure was low and my heart rate was sitting at 120 (too put it lightly it was as though I had been running when i had merely walked a couple of feet). She shared the same concerns as my psychologist and immediately expressed her wishes to send me to hospital as it was her "duty of care".

She then called my psychologist who came down to have a "calm" talk with me about my options basically front up to A&E and except my fate or have my CTO revoked. I dismally agreed to go in with my dad where I spent the remainder of the day where I was told what I already knew my heart rate was too high my blood pressure too low and i was extremely dehydrated but upon further inspection of my blood results it was deemed there was nothing they could do as they came back all clear.

So here I am writing to you from the comfort of my own couch drinking a celebratory diet coke in complete bliss that my body has not yet failed me and yet again withstood the torture I am putting it through and despite this scare I am still sticking to my regime of one drink a day.

The only condition I have to have an appointment tomorrow with the registrar not looking forward to it I think he's a dick but I will stick with my famous two word line "I'm fine" which generally means I'm not but it's my word against there's.

So for another day I'm free and yet another time line has been set as too how long I can manage apparently I won't make it too tuesday before collapsing (Woops did I forget to mention I've collapsed numerous times over the last week and still stood up continued on my merry way saying "I'm fine"?)

Bring on another week of starving starving starving I got this

Unsteady

Since I stopped taking my medication...3ish days ago? I have stopped having my weight jumps up by 100-200g overnight which is a relief! But now in the morning it stays the same! Which is disheartening to say the least. Today I've lost a measly 200g putting me an exact loss at  5kg (11pounds) in the last week to the day tomorrow which has me feeling good and yet something yearns for more what if i gain before tomorrow??? D: 

By quarter to 12 today i was feeling really guilty as I had already consumed some diet coke in the hopes to keep my electrolytes somewhat stable. The feeling of being on the brink of passing out 24/7 is indescribable its pure hell and my body takes the brunt of it

Weigh in at clinic tomorrow 18hrs and counting. The thought of being honest tomorrow is scaring the shit out of me. My mind quickly turns to maybe I should lie to keep anorexias secret life secret! Which can I say is going to be almost impossible with the impending weigh in. But then if my psych rings my dad I will be found out automatically so is there really much point in  making up fables about how much I'm consuming? Not really, I'm at such a loss as anorexias puppet.

I have almost made it to Thursday without being caught passing out although my mum noticed last night and asked if I was feeling "unsteady" I snapped back "no" I barely made it to the chair before collapsing :/. Not to mention I just collapsed and my sister caught me and called my mum where my dad apparently said "there's nothing we can do" so starve starve starve I shall

Its no longer a matter of what i want but a matter of what i need. And what I need is help! 

Still losing

I was only going to weigh after 1pm today but I couldn't sleep and the voice told me I had to weigh so I've been just as obsessive about my weight today as I have been for the past week and a half. It's an awful habit but I just can't seem to pull myself together and make it through the day without weighing. It's about the only thing I can be bothered doing and its very time consuming as my scales are in the lounge room and i'm constantly on them upwards of 5 times a day and my parents don't realise they are scales (It's on my wii so i don't know how reliable they are but they seem to give the same results as the clinic so for now i trust them) did i mention my day revolves around finding clothes to wear that weigh less then 1kg... hard stuff when your freezing all the time.

700g from gw2 (lost 800g since yesterday) I won't make that by thursday (maybe I will? If not I'll be close) but i will make that by my birthday next monday. I am feeling really good about myself since reaching gw1 but still not good enough. I'm 200g away from having lost 5kg in the last week scary but hoping I can meet that goal by Thursday :s it's doable if I get my shit together!

I am actually scared about my appointment but I'm in desperate need of help and I think it is a big achievement for me to accept that. I'm actually counting down until my appointment (less then 48hrs more then 24hrs. My brains not working well enough to figure out precisely how long) something i've never done before! I'm just scared they will want to admit me and that i just won't accept... They told me since the beginning of my discharge they "can handle weight loss just not 5kg in a week" what can i say...oops?

Still struggling to drink anything substantial and its taking a toll on me i almost passed out in the shed before. i caught myself just before i face planted the concrete :/

My dad just sat on me and told me I was "boney"

I've finally picked up my crocheting again and its really therapeutic I'm glad to be back to it after a week and a half of being unable to get in the mindset to do anything.

Sorry this is so incoherent and poorly structured my minds just all over the place at the moment mostly focused on weight, calories in and, calories out, what i can drink and, what i can't drink and, what i crave and, how many calories that would amount too and, how I'm just not allowed to even think about that entering my body its just not happening i would rather die before having to eat. Eating is just strictly off limits. Not to mention my mum's been up crying the last three nights about our 'dysfunctional family' including my anorexia it makes me feel so bad for her i wish i wasn't sick but...I'm powerless to the demon in my mind.

Anyway i think i've said enough good day and good night lovelies

FEELING: Successful

GW1 MET and surpassed!!!

So today is a good day! I lost 800g since yesterday putting me nicely 500g under gw1 and 1.5kg from gw2! I am beginning to see progress and also see tell tale signs that my body just isn't coping but, Anorexias web of lies has me convinced I'm doing everything right and to keep going you can do it your making progress can't you see! Would I lie to you? I can see how volatile this relationship is I can see the damage it's doing to me and yet I naively continue to listen to that reassuring voice in my head.

I've dropped my intake back again to half a glass of black tea drinking it in three to four intervals throughout the day so I don't just drop dead. Ha I really am stupid! Who would believe that half a glass of black tea a day is enough to live off?

I have also realised that in the last 3weeks I have eaten on four occasions twice involved 90cal soup and the other two times were fear foods, KFC and noodles. But its been a complete week since a morsel has touched my lips! No wonder I'm feeling the effects.

I went for a 2.2k walk yesterday arvo to lull the antaginating voice inside my head which really soothed  me. But today I'm paying the price I have big blisters I run out of breath just from standing for five minutes let alone walking for half an hour I get dizzy and fainting spells every time i stand up and my heart just about feels like its going to jump right out of my chest!

4 days thats all I've got to last then i see the team and i can either lie or be honest get the help i need or go home to die. I don't want  to be a pain in the arse and ring them any earlier because they'll probably take one look and say "there's nothing wrong with you girl! Why are you wasting our time" And if not they will give me the look of disappointment that says it all "You know what you have to do, why don't you just eat?" 

I looked at my tongue for the first time today in quiet some time as my mouth is feeling quite dry and what do you know it's white as snow. A tell tail sign I have now learnt from the many practitioners I have encountered over the time of dehydration. But my brain still has a battle with me one part naively believing half a glass of black tea is enough to sustain myself and the other half laughing saying who are you kidding!?

My beautiful blotchy white tongue the picture does an injustice to how white it actually is

Baby's a coming

Well little has happened in the last 24hrs my weight yet again stayed stagnant this morning and a 600g loss this afternoon. Thank heavens I don't know what my body is doing to me! It hate's me! That is the only viable reason I can come up with! Now only 200g away from goal weight one!!! :DDD WHOOPDIEDODAHDAY!!!

Well I went into town again today this time I was only there for an hour and 40 minutes thank heavens still too long for my likings but i got all the things on my shopping list... plus some. I got my wool. I got some earrings. I got a clock for my brother. I got laxatives. And I got tea. Yep MORE tea! what can i say i need it lol.

 

My tea collection is growing at a rapid rate of nots. I guess there is worse things that I could be buying

Last night at 9.30 I got a txt from my brother in law saying my sister was being induced. Baby is still a no show some 16hrs later.

My passing out episodes are becoming more and more frequent at least my body holds on throughout the day. Last night i had at least five episodes.
1- when i had a bath.
2- when i went to get my computer.
3- when I went to turn the tv off.
4. when i answered the door.
And
5. When i went to follow my mum outside whilst she had a smoke ( Had either of my parents seen this episode they would of called an ambulance straight away thank god one was behind the door and the other in front of me going out the next door)

This makes me very scared that my gp was right and i won't make it until Thursday without passing out. I hate it when she's right! I just have to hold on my body must not fail me now.

Xx stay strong xX

UPDATE: Babies here Lesley Ann 7pounds 14ounces

Tea of the drinking kind

Yesterday I went on what to me is a 'binge' I know this is an awful usage of the word as it was nowhere near like what a bulimic binge truly is. It was just well over what I had planned for, which of course sent my anxiety through the roof. I ended the day on 1 diet coke 3/4cup of black tea and a 7cal diet jelly. Oh god I am disgusted with my lack of self-control!

Well as punishment I woke up this morning with my weight having stayed the same I have just done a premature weigh in and had lost 200g it's not a great loss but any loss is a gain to me. 800g to goal weight 1. I am just so thankful to see that my weight is still moving in the right direction when i compose myself and show some damn self control! If it had plateaued i would be devastated! Argh why do I self sabotage??? Well, I won't be making the same mistake again today that's for sure! I'm determined. This could end in a volitile mess. 1 drink is all I'm allowed use it wisely young one aha. I'm even considering not having that today for two reasons;
1. As punishment for yesterday
2. I'm not even remotely hungry and it's 10 past 4

I just went into town which to me is a huge hurdle as I'm petrified of crowds! i bought some more tea :) to spice my drinks up a little bit. I'm making a mix of cool banana and chunky choc tea at the moment, its like a banana split in a drink. And I didn't get the wool i was desperately after which means i have to make another trip into town tomorrow! i just can't handle the crowd! D: quick in quick out is my rule. Although that ended in a 2.5hr shopping trip today and my anxiety yet again sky rocketing 

I think it's time for a sleep

Xx bec

On track

I've lost 900g since yesterday!!! I'm finally moving again!!! My 'goal weight' is just 1.5kg away and at this rate I'll reach that and more by next Thursday even though my deadline is the 29th of September (my birthday). But I won't get my knickers in a knot if I'm not at GW1 by next Thursday.

My dad has been really up me about my intake or lack thereof which has me being sneaky again and emptying tetras packs of ensure down the sink in a bid to keep him "off my back".

I know i promised to leave the weighing up to my psychologist but i need that extra boost throughout the week to keep my going (i guess it fuels my AN) although it gets hard to secretly weigh yourself in a house full of people that did i mention don't know i have access to scales which are hidden in plain view.

Todays drink will be a diet coke as im dying for one. My one drink a day seems to be working well for my weight although I'm finding night time really hard so im in bed by 8.30 so i can sleep through the hunger. I hate the feeling of hunger is anyone else the same? as i hear a lot of people say they love the feeling of hunger, I think its the worst feeling! Plus I've decided my chai tea no longer requires milk 

I almost passed out in the bath again last night. Two nights in a row...I'm starting to see a pattern :/. I'm also becoming really sensitive to the cold again :P

I have a friend on Facebook who constantly posts pictures of food and damn does it look good! Makes me so hungry just watching ads on tv. I'm now contemplating my drink for the day 420mls chai or 375mls diet coke hmmm too many decisions!!! Weigh in again at 3 (dad goes to pick kids up then) 1hr seems too far away I'm dying of hunger but as it goes I can't open my mouth to eat/drink anything not until I weighin again.

update: I couldn't wait to weigh myself I've lost another 500g now I'm only 1kg away from my goal weight!!! :DDD you have no idea how happy this makes me!!! I've decided to have a diet coke, refreshing coke ahhhh but first I'm going to have a nice hot bath :) just to prolong my drink I need to hold off as long as possible so I don't have the awful hunger tonight which hits around 7. And you know what else I might not take laxatives tonight although I'm not sure on this one as of yet.

stood up to get my computer and almost passed out woops Looks like that diet coke is coming my way faster then i planned

I'm out of things to say so I'll leave it there

Xx stay strong bella's xX

Heart Damage

So I had my dr's appt today. It was the first time I had seen her since june...of LAST year! And man was I pooping my pants!

It was a total disaster! Last year I couldn't even look at her and today I stared at her the whole appointment. As my friend said she was able to admire my eyes for the first time.

Why was it a disaster I hear you ask? Well, at first she didn't recognise me! Which to me translates as you've gained so much weight! Not as what it probably meant, you've grown up, you have glasses, you have long hair, your not in school clothes.

Then was the inevitable "How are you question" I stuttered and said "ah...yeah...ah...ok...ah...maybe...not" which of course then needed an explanation I explained how my intake has dropped back to 0 over the past 2 weeks and all I'm living off is one chai tea a day. Lets just say she wasn't impressed.

She is even going to talk to my OP team as I am "her responsibility" so I am dreading a phone call from them. She seems to think I won't make it to next thursday (My next OP appt) at this rate I told her I would. And then she asked "why are you so optimistic" my response "Well somebody has to be!" she then continued to patronise me with "well the only way your going to achieve that is by eating which i take it you won't be doing." Argh DISASTER!

A lot of she said I saids haha

I also found out my pulse is too fast and I have an enlarged heart enzyme something about I've done damage to the heart muscle :/ so I have to have another blood test urgently and an ECG urgently blahh.

Maybe I'll live off one can of diet coke for the next week? Less calories...

Damn it I just got the phone call I was dreading My psychologist says I have to get the ECG done TODAY as they are dealing with some "really serious stuff now talking about (your) heart". But she didn't mention that I'm not eating really she just said she knows it's really hard at the moment and to try my hardest over the next week so I can stay out of hospital. And to keep that as my motivation. I said I'd try but honestly I don't care enough too try!

Also I lost 700g from yesterday finally my weight has stopped being stagnant! *Does a dance*

Out of constructive

I haven't posted for a few days...My psychologist said I should start posting again and crocheting again as it might help ease my anxiety and un clog my thoughts. Well, here I am! What do I say I feel like the spotlight is on me now and i should say something constructive, well I'm out of constructive all i have is mess. 

My psychologist knows I've been living off soup and thinks i should re-enter my supplements just so i can stay out of hospital until the specialist unit has a bed, but, I just can't do it... 

I was weighed yesterday...blind weighed. I choose this as I thought maybe just maybe i could deal with it... I couldn't. Now I'm fasting again, chai tea come at me! 

It's just turned 12pm here 'lunchtime'  and I just had a chai tea because I don't want to eat so I know I need something in me just while I kickstart this fast again and I feel so guilty I was going to allow myself 3 chai teas a day then i decided 2 and now I'm thinking one. I've used up my "guilt free" drink for the day and I still feel guilty! No more to eat or drink today unless its a sip to down 10laxatives... *sighs* Why does anorexia control me so much!? I used to control it, not anymore its all or nothing and right now nothing seems the safer option :(

Oh and I have a dr's appt tomorrow with my gp I haven't seen her for a year LITERALLY! I apparently have to see her weekly whilst my intake is so low and I'm shitting myself so scared she'll think i'm fat now that I've gained 30kg since my lowest weight so scared not looking forward to seeing her maybe i'll ring the gp and say im sick...? The irony.

Stepped on the scales with my eyes closed. Open them to a nice surprise I haven't gained weight nor have I lost but thank heavens I didn't gain! Plus this was after not taking laxatives for 4days and being unable to ah 'use' the bathroom and also after drinking a chai tea woopie should see a loss tomorrow :DDD

My Dad just commented on me not eating again and asked "why" in a moaning tone. I guess he'll just never truly understand the working of my brain all my goals disappear when I get sick, I just can't do life.

Almost passed out in the bath... In a sick way I've missed that feeling in another way that feeling SCARED THE SHIT OUTTA ME! :/

The words of my psychologist are ringing throughout my head "take responsibility for yourself if you need to go to hospital" ... I think this is one of those moments I'm supposed to be taking responsibility for... Although I don't ACTUALLY know...

As i said, completely out of constructive....

You are the light

Finally after a week of living off one chai tea a day I'm allowing myself 90calories worth of soup. It's not a lot but it's something! My next goal is to up the anti and allow myself a vegetarian meal plan. I have to push myself if I'm ever to have an independent life away from the watchful eye of my parents. It's torturous at the moment my head is doing circles but I have to look at the end game. I heard a quote once which went something like "There is no light at the end of the tunnel there is only you. You are the light" I just have to keep reminding myself of this. I am the only one that will save me.

I haven't been doing much crochet but I have been watching a lot of documentaries on anorexia a tv series called 'intervention' I can't tell if it's triggering to my anorexia or not but I'm hooked. I've also been doing a 2.2k walk a day it's not a lot but I'm working up to my bigger 6k walks I was doing at my sickest it's just so hard when you don't have the energy. But yet I continue to push myself. I keep looking at my end goal of being at my 'dream' weight again. I'm just not comfortable with where I'm at. I have been weighing myself religiously again which I know is a bad habit today I promised not to weigh myself and I have kept that promise. And I am proud of this achievement I will try to leave weighing to my psychologist so I can focus on attempting an oral meal plan.

This is much of a nothing post but I felt an update was needed the world is just such a scary place at the moment my Anorexia feels like the safest thing. I think I have also just realised that part of my downfall may be that I haven't been keeping up with my regular meds...woops.

Xx Bec xX

JCU

Yesterday was a full on day I had outpatients with my psychiatrist which was pointless. He spoke of what might trigger my relapses but I kind of shut him out because I'm sick of the blame game. They all blame it on my parents being financially dependent on me which it's not about. It's about me being unable to handle being 'fat' me being unable to continue to eat a meal plan of 2,500calories me being unable to look at myself in a mirror.

Well after my psychiatrist attempted to delve into the furtherest corner of my brain he gave me the 'I want to wean you off lorazapam' talk. He say's it's an addictive drug and should only be used in the short term. I haven't used it for so long and right now my anxiety is so high I NEED it just to get through the day. Even though I'm not eating. Everything just sets my anxiety off smells, people and chai tea (which is all I'm living off, one a day).

My psychologist then decided she needed to weigh me as they were calling JCU to put me back on the waiting list. So we stood at the scales arguing about me wanting to see the  number and her wanting to blind weigh me. I won and all I learnt is that my scales at home are about 500g out.

After returning home I received a phone call calling me back into the clinic to get bloods done. As apparently JCU will require these results along with my weight. So back in I went, the nurse took three vials and attempted to take a fourth but because I'm dehydrated it was all sucked out of my veins and unattainable. 

My mum and I then went on a culinary adventure to the movies last night to watch the hundred foot journey. It ticked all the boxes comedy, adventure, and romance with a side of anxiety. I of course didn't eat any popcorn and just drank my two regular diet coke's. What a PIG!

And to my dismay I jumped on the scales again this morning to find I had gained 400g from yesterday. Not impressed. Why did I drink those cokes!? Looks like I'm going on a 3day complete fast. I'm not sure this is a good idea as I find it extremely hard to reintroduce things that I cut out of my diet ie. yoghurt and diet jelly. But my head screws with me so much that it seems to be the necessary precautions I need to take to punish myself for my mistakes I made yesterday.

My dad commented last night on my frequency to the bathroom and asked "You haven't been taking laxatives again have you?" *cough cough* "no, I have diarrhoea" and yet I still abused them after the confrontation I've downed maybe 20-30 laxatives in the last 5 days.

At least my team and I are on the same page. We are all working to keep me out of hospital in the short term until they can get me into JCU which I feel too fat for at the moment so a lot of causalities are on the horizon in the coming weeks and months.

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Today marks two years since I was originally diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. I have missed out on so many opportunities (and continue to do so) and learnt so much too! Nobody can love us until we settle with liking ourselves.

Its a battle everyday where the only causality are the people your hurting by letting them watch you slowly starve to death and yourself.

I have gained 30kilos in the last year and a whole lot of guilt self disgust and deceit. My mindset is still the same I still have that voice in my head saying "Your an ugly fat piece of shit. Your an undeserving wasteful pig" etc

I went for my first walk today but had to cut it to one third of the length feeling quite sick and dizzy i guess thats what comes when your body is lacking in vital nutrients and your destroying it even more by taking 10 laxative as a punishment for 7calorie diet jelly!

I have an 'emergency appointment' with my psychiatrist tomorrow I'm tempted to ring and cancel but its part of my CTO conditions; to attend all appointments. And I need a script. I'm just so scared of what he'll do and the way he'll look at me with sadness in his eyes that I'm the one he couldn't help.

I just don't know how to open my mouth and eat something of substance or anything really even my 'safe' yoghurt is no longer 'safe'

My birthday is in less then a month and I need to lose 5kg to reach X weight, I know it's doable!

Such a waste of resources and time and space :(

OP, laxative my old pal

Well as per every week I had an Outpatients appt at the clinic with my psychologist that invited the registrar along. That didn't end well, I told him I hate him and wouldn't speak with him in the room. He quickly left. So then I was left with my psychologist. How could I possibly lie to that? I had to be open and honest since I'd quite abruptly made him leave. Which meant telling her I'm not eating nearly as much as I should be.

She was real sweet about it and didn't force anything upon me but did give me three options
1. send you home to starve
2. send you home to try and eat
3. send you to hospital

I worked on the first two options but told her I'm finding it extremely difficult to just open my mouth for food she understood and suggested we put a referral into melbourne solemnly I hung my head and agreed.

How did I get this sick so fast I can never understand how anorexia can just rear its ugly head when things are going so well!

She didn't weigh me due to my honesty so that was a relief. I have to get a script written up for lorazapam because I'm running out rapidly due to my increased anxiety so she booked an appointment on thursday with the consultant and just quietly I'm shitting myself, he's lovely but very domineering. He gets what he wants and I'm scared that'll be straight to hospital no beating around the bush. I have to put my best case forward which means attempting to eat soup and diet jelly for the next two days. Likeliness of happening...0

Yesterday I bought 2 boxes of laxatives popped them all and put them in a little mesh bag and hid them in my teddy I am no longer 1 year free of laxatives as I popped and swallowed them like candy.

Tomorrow marks 2 years since my diagnosis of Anorexia maybe that's my trigger? I always find it hard around this time of year for that fact. I don't know, the point is I've relapsed and my team know and are pushing to do something. If I'm lucky I'll convince the consultant to do the NGT at home in the meantime *sighs*

Today's promise's

Today is filled with promises.

Today I promise not to eat until dinner.

Today I promise to meet up with an old school friend.

Today I promise not to drink coffee like I should be.

Today I promise to love myself

Today I promise to not let anything get in the way

Today I promise to not make this a battle of the stronger Anorexic. But no doubt that's what it'll become. A battle of the stronger anorexic the more determined anorexic and the only prize at the end of this race is death. But still we'll race it believing we are the invincible couple.

My mum says I can get a gym membership if I'm eating healthy even if that means being vegetarian. I can't eat I'm in a lock down in my own body a battle of the wills and Anorexias will just happens to be the stronger half. So instead I'll get a gym membership then tell her I know she doesn't agree I know she's scared she'll lose me to this disease but I can't keep living in this house holed up with nothing to do but crochet here and there I need to get active and stop feeling like everything is going in slow motion. Because it is.

just a short one; safe foods

So today was my brother's 6th birthday party and I couldn't go for fear of having to eat McDonalds for, fear the tantalising smells that dance with your nostrils would enter my body and duplicate fat cells :/

My safe foods;
-vanilla forme yoghurt 175g 69cal
-diet jelly
-ensure 300cal
-pumpkin soup 90cal
-s&v rice cakes 95cal

Thats it my diminished safe food list and somehow my parents are understanding and supporting this new meal plan my Anorexia has devised maybe for the shear fact I'm still actually consuming something, for Christ's sake anything!

This was my brothers cake that ended in me ODing on my lorazapam nothing too serious though it just put me to sleep like a log

goodbye?

It's my brothers birthday and my anxiety is through the roof I've already taken 4lorazapam and I'll probably take yet another two although my daily limit is 4mg (yeah im...overdosing) I don't care I'm desperate to keep things under wraps until Wednesday (my first day of going vegetarian wooo) I have to hold my shit together so my parents don't get suss and I have to keep my shit together or I won't be able to go shopping where it's just aisles and aisles of calories that could contaminate me :/

I must be brave I need to stay strong

Things too look forward to this week; gym membership, going vegetarian

I've been closely working with family friends trying to get me over to sweden to study nursing next year its all doable but apparently we have to go through a student exchange agency which makes it near to impossible when I have less then half the fund ... $10000.00. And without a job I can almost say with 100%certainty I won't be going :(

I write this blog and I see people have read my blog but it still feels like a lonely isolated world I'm wondering if maybe I should give my blog the flick as I'm not getting any support that i thought I might get. Guess i was delusional *sighs* I'll give it a few more posts

What a day

Fear food of the day...milk. Looks like I'll be eating my porridge from here on out with water :(. So that means I am yet again scared of bread, milk and potatoes. My fears increase as my 'safe' foods decrease.

Today we ventured our way up to melbourne to see North Melbourne (afl team) train I only agreed to go to immerse myself in civilisation otherwise I'm going to end up holed up in my house a reject of society. My anxiety is slowly peaking so I'm resorting back to my happy drug; Lorazapam. And yes that means I blew off my friends today with the good old excuse *cough cough* "I'm sick". It just felt...safer.

Small pleasure of the day though was soaking up the spring sun and the footy atmosphere but oh.my.god.SO.many.people!

I am supposed to be in recovery I'm at a 'healthy' weight and haven't hated my body more. It has never really felt like I've been in recovery as I've always dabbled in eating disordered behaviour. When my AN takes hold I make goal weights and for the first time in a long time...I've made them

GW1: 70kg- 154pounds (My only guess is that i weigh more then this although I don't actually know)
GW2: 68kg- 149pounds
GW3: 61- 134pounds (My 'safe' weight)
GW4: 58kg- 127pounds
GW5: 56kg- 123pounds
GW6: 54kg- 119pounds
GW7: 51kg- 112pounds (My 'safe' weight)

I will leave you again with a few pictures that sum up the day

Favorite player #2: Ben brown (My dad calls him baby giraffe)

 My signed cap I got for free

My favorite player #1: Mason Wood aka My boyfriend ;)

Enjoying a coffee in the car ride up

UPDATE: I was going to get a gym membership today but my mum wasn't happy at all she gave me the third degree. My dad then signed in the background wait until Monday I think...I hope, he's going to try and bring her round 

Calories and cooking

I'm finding myself quite obsessed with calories again. After a year of (barely any) calorie counting I'm methodically planning my days ahead and fearing meals being any more then 300-400calories again! It's so tiering mentally and takes up way too much of my time I have barely any time for anything else. 

In other news I'm meeting up with friends tomorrow and we're supposed to be cooking I have found I am really enjoying cooking again but with other people....it just freaks the shit out of me! And then, I'm supposed to be meeting another friend for afternoon tea and I just can't bring myself to eat in public or even with her (she's had AN) I'm just too scared of how she'll judge me in her head (even though i know she is the kindest person and would never judge me ESPECIALLY not over my Anorexia).

I got a new cookbook yesterday on vegetarianism and I'm excited to lead a new healthier lifestyle that abides by my morals. I don't believe in the on slaughter of innocent animals. I'm waiting until next Thursday so I have a week to plan for it and prepare myself with all the knowledge there is on how to make sure I don't get vitamin and mineral deficient... again.

Job well done

I had an OP appointment. It went surprisingly well. My psychiatrist even shook my hand and told me I was doing a "job well done". Little does he know how much I've cut back regardless of how often I'm eating. Nor does my dad realise. I have slowly cut back from 1,796-2,696calories a day *cringes* to a measly 1000 (928 to be precise)-764calories a day. I know this isn't enough to sustain myself but I also know I can't continue to live this way feeling the way I do!

He says the conditions of my CTO are as follows;
-I have to engage with my psychologist weekly
-I have to engage with my gp as often as she sees fit
And the worst condition that I DO NOT agree too is;
-I have to get weighed regularly by either my gp or psychologist and I can choose either to see or not see this number. THE NUMBER THAT DICTATES MY LIFE KNOWN OR NOT!!!

As long as my weight doesn't dramatically drop I stay out of hospital. Apparently it's ok if it steadily drops though. Confusion much? I think so.

I'm looking at getting a gym membership later this week with my dads approval. What am I 12? No I'm 18 and STILL need approval. No doubt it will fuel my Anorexia but, but I just feel like a SLOB!

Anyway I'll leave it with a few pictures

Not much has been consuming my days except when I get the motivation I crochet a little. I started this blanket 3 wks ago in hospital and I am very proud of my efforts so far.

I have also found myself retreating to the kitchen again for the first time in over a year! In the past week I have made chocolate crackles, honey joys, Jaffa fudge, Caramel slice (Pictured) and picklets.