What did you get for christmas? Fat. I got fat.

Well I've found myself with little to say as of recently. The days seem to blur and merge into one. They are spent lounging on the sofas listening to music or sleeping. And occasionally engaging in conversation with my family. I feel fat and its only made worse looking at old diary entries of the same time last year 10 kilos lighter and you know what? I'm just as depressed and self loathing as then.

On the 23rd of december I had an appt with my psychologist. And as predicted she was as nice as ever. She was running through BPD (borderline personality disorder) with me she says you don't have to fit all the criteria but the vast majority and guess who fits that? apparently me. I don't want to be labelled again so maybe i'm living in denial but i refuse to be told i have bpd I am not and never will be the same as my older sister.

I also spoke to my psych about mental health housing she wants me to discuss it with my dad first before she puts in the application. She said to let her know next appointment. January 6th. I'm kind of thinking student res might be better I can live independently close to home cheap with other people that aren't sick and don't know my past ad i can still indulge in my anorexia. Seems legit.

Christas came as we all knew it would and I found myself caught up in the festives with panic engulfing me all day long. I just wanted to run in the opposite direction pretend it didn't exist lock myself in my room anything but pretend to be happy! Santa was nice to me though i got 6 t-shirts a polaroid type camera and film then i got incense a tea pot and infuser and some wall art from my sisters and a book and an elephant (im obsessed with them) ring holder from my grandparents.

Boxing day was spent at the races getting fat, betting and drinking it was a good day but FAR too many people everywhere you turn you bump into someone

And today I've slept done absolutely nothing and enjoyed every bit of it (except for the morning shopping but if i didn't do that i would never get out of the house)

So i leave you there. Merry christmas and a happy new year xx

Tis the season to be jolly fa la la la ....NO

I've been house hunting and guess who found a house she has fallen in love with? ME! but there's one slight problem it becomes available for people to move in on jan 23rd I'm away until feb 11th :( looks like I'm going to have to keep hunting, but, it's perfect! and cheap ($160 pw) *sighs* maybe I can keep praying noone else likes it maybe i can pray something closer to home in my budget will become available maybe I can pray i can strike a deal with the home owners to move in when i get back (unlikely). Just maybe!

Last night we went Christmas light looking it was awe inspiring. The littlies love it although they fought like cat and dog in the car for 75% of the time. We had an ice cream on the beach for supper at 11pm. I had a snickers one one word omnomnom!

Tomorrow I meet with my psychologist I'm edgy and on nerve. I'm sure she's just going to look at me and think how fat has she gotten! (I know she won't she's too nice for that but my an tells me she will and we all know an is always 'right' --ha what a joke). At least I can discuss going on the wait list for mental health housing :) life seems to finally be taking shape.

I took a bunch of lax last night and today I'm paying the price. Did I mention my periods here... A week early way to make a girl feel fat!

Sorry this is so disjointed I will leave you with some pics of our adventures gallivanting around the country side last night

 

Triggers. What are they? Planning. Where did I go?

Triggers. I mentioned them briefly yesterday. If I recall correctly I stated maybe that’s something I should work on with my psychologist? I know its not a precise mathematical equation but it made me think, what are my triggers? I think one of them is looking at old photos of me seeing the transgression from healthy to skin and bone back to the healthiest I’ve ever been or in anorexia's words the 'fattest I've ever been'.

I think I have come to the conclusion I will ALWAYS be eating disordered there is no complete recovery but more periodic episodes of remission. It's constantly lurking waiting around every corner just over every bend to grab hold of your hand and cuff it to its own like prisoned best friends entangled in an abusive love relationship.

My dad thinks I'm relapsing because I'm wearing trackies a lot again listening to music a lot again and going to bed early and getting up late a lot again. Love how he can determine my level of heath based on my musical outlet and what I'm wearing. Ha. What he doesn't realise though is although I'm eating regularly still, now, I relapsed a long time ago. Before I got out of hospital I was destined for this I planned it I was content with the idea. I'm eating laxatives like candy again for christs sake and I plan on moving out so i can starve myself to death! If thats not evidence enough I don't know what is then.

I'm going to ask my psychologist on Tuesday to apply for mental health housing and in the mean time I'm going to keep house hunting as this is the preferred option so I don't burden anyone so I can plummet at the hands of my demons in the comfort of my own home my own rules my own everything. 

I'm trying to think of the foods I would keep in my house. 'Safe' foods. All I can think of is; Diet jelly, Diet soft drink, soy milk, rice cakes, diet yoghurt, peas+corn, carrots, apples, mushrooms, juice, coffee, tea, mocchachino. Let's face it my house is going to be just about empty! It's going to be difficult when I have my little siblings over because you have to feed them something! But at least I know when I'm fasting I won't have anything I can 'binge' on (and by binge I mean consume with more then 100 calories).

By the way Happy One Year blogging anniversary for the 7th of December :) I have reached milestones of 4700 page views in that year and accumulated 8 followers and had a total three comments (how pathetic aye? Way to make a girl feel unappreciated)

The good and the well, not so good

So today has been just as busy as the last few.

First stop on the agenda was to town to get my hair done at the beauty school and I left feeling just that; beautiful. I now have bright fiery red hair. But no pictures will be posted like I promised as I can't do my hair justice and I'm feeling incredibly overweight right now despite what everyone tells me-- You are a healthy weight. That word --healthy-- sounds so dirty to me I might as well be speaking profanities.

Then I continued on my way delving deeper into town, immersing myself in society once again and meeting up with a long time friend. The first thing she said to me was "I didn't recognise you with no feeding tube" I don't want to be known as the girl with the tube (or in this case without the tube). The tube shouldn't be my identity. But it has become an ingrown part of me we are one in the same after so many rekindling's of our relationship.

I made a bad decision to eat McDonalds for lunch something I haven't eaten in far too long or maybe not long enough. I got no satisfaction out of it and instead it has left me infatuated with my weight, what I look like and what I've become. And as if that's not enough I got home and had my mother tell me we are having take-away for tea. I already feel like I've gained 2 sizes and ballooned to the size of a small whale in the span of a few hours despite my rejection of morning tea and afternoon tea (I figure my lunch made up for my snacks for the day).

I can't wait until Tuesday I meet up with the lovely psychologist D which I haven't seen for 5 long weeks she told me to think about what I want to talk to her about and in all honesty I have no idea what i want to use my time to talk about! I feel like we have gone as far as we can go. I need her help to get mental health housing but thats about all I can think of. Maybe I should talk about my triggers figure out the origin of my anorexia? She said she'd brainstorm so I'm relying on her. I get in there and babble like a two year old I trip on my words.

I've also been listening to "the sea is a good place to think about the future'

I find I relate to it a lot at the given time. I can feel myself slipping the minute I start planning. But this time, I.WILL.BE.SUCCESFUL! My plummet has begun its a matter of time. You know how I know this? Its a secret. I know because I have been toying with the idea of overdosing on my prescription medication. I won't. Not yet. I have to die skinny. I wish people would stop interfering.

Busy bumble bee

Well today has been eventful it's 11.30 and I've been out most of the day. I'm a busy bumble bee. First it was to drop off my NG feeds at the hospital. What a huge feat that was! I wonder if I really do want recovery? I ate morning tea when I could easily have skipped it.

Then it was on to centrelink I headed. He was a really nice bloke. More importantly he was helpful! He suggested I apply for a disability education supplement on top of my pension. That's a further $60 a fortnight it's not a lot but it all adds up. I have a compulsory activity to attend psychology appointments (looks like I won't be discontinuing aha) and voluntary activities to go to school and go to a looking for work service. I'm not looking for work I'm looking for them to pay for my course haha. 

I'm looking forward to my holiday in January a month away a month to recoup to get a grip on life to relax and to prepare for a good year ahead! 

My psychologist rang and I have an appointment next Tuesday it's daunting as I know I've gained weight I know I'm a fatty all she's going to see is lard spilling out everywhere. But I plan on asking her about disability housing I might even call her back today to ask. Get the ball rolling.

Next week is busy Tuesday-psychologist appointment Wednesday- disability support service appointment Thursday- Christmas. At least it should be a little less costly from here on out as the Christmas period has reached it's climax and shall soon be over for another year. The only thing I need to pay for is my hair tomorrow (I'm dyeing it but I'm not set on what colour yet await photo bombing guys ;) ) and my phone bill then my dads going to pay for my course and equipment (as he owes me a small fortune) thank heavens I won't have to worry about that. $1600 later. 

I feel like my life is slowly falling into place. I am still very much consumed by ed but now sometimes I can ignore him and get on with living.

Baby Dino

"Baby Dino" that nickname still taunts me to this day. My great aunt called me this as a toddler due to my baby fat status. I was chubby and fat. But I was a baby? Does that give me an excuse? Hell no. But thats what my parents reassured me; it did account for something. Well I now avoid all mirrors when I'm getting changed to spare me Anorexia taunting me relentlessly. But last night I caught a glimpse and now I'm in a spin I feel triggered in every way shape and form. I don't really know where this is going perhaps its just a small reminder to those out there who carelessly throw names around. They stick. And, words kill. They are slowly killing me.

I have been watching anorexia videos constantly and I don't even know why maybe its my form of 'thinspo' although I don't believe in that stuff. It does trigger me though. I'm thinking about my anorexia constantly. Praying I will have the strength to move out next year so i can return to its 'loving' arms. I just want the torment to end. I even considered ODing last night but lord gave me strength, I didn't. Instead I went to bed.

Today I realised that we have mental health housing here which is cheap self contained and independent living. Its a step up program from living at home and a step down program from seeking refuge in a hospital. Rent is 30% of ones government funding. You have to be seeking treatment (or involved with a treating team-- which i am). And there is one community meeting/and dinner a week (?) Otherwise the rest is up to you. Maybe I could use this as a stepping stone to independence (and relapse, but lets keep that one between you and me ;) ).

I really have nothing to say this is a pointless post but I need to keep my thoughts in check.

battle of the wills

"They say you don't know what you've got until its gone" whoever said this couldn't of hit the nail on the head more precisely! I wish I could turn back the clock and embrace my anorexia rather then being pig headed and thinking I was naively fat. Now I am at my highest weight praying I never made that phone call.

I'm in a too and fro tug of war in my own brain. On the left is the rational brain saying go to school to make something of yourself (course in nutrition) then on the right I have the Anorexia saying go to school close to home so you can have the best of both worlds; family, school, independence and treating team (course in nail technology) And then there's the real me in the middle screaming silent screams that no one hears.

The coming days will prove a battle of the wills; Anorexia or life?

The joys of life

Well this is just a quick one the world seems to be caving in on top of me I feel suffocated by all the things I should be doing this time of year but just don't have the 'care factor' to do so.

I finished my christmas shopping today, 1.5 weeks shy of christmas. Something I would usually have prepared months before but venturing outside of the comfort of my own home is becoming daunting and scary. The world is a truly traumatic place their is bad around every corner and a little less dramatic just as much good. But my head just can't handle the demands of life. Of living.

Today I ventured outside of my safe haven to face the big bad daunting world. To face the likes of society. I fear there is just far too many cliches and clicks that I just don't fit into now days.

Anyway it wasn't all bad. I came away with a few hours outside of the same monotonous environment. I came away with 75 dollars less then I left home with. I came away with my christmas shopping complete. I came away with socialising with a friend (something I just don't have the time or energy these days to deal with). I came away with a possible house mate in the coming new year.

Every year comes and goes in the same amount of hours and days as the last (regardless of the leap year) but it seems to pass me by in a flash. By the time I grapple with the the idea that another year is upon me a new one is dawning. And either way I still do the same darn thing relapse after relapse hospital admission after hospital admission fight after fight. Over and over.

Tomorrow see's me venturing outside once again to an information session on my chosen course where I find out whether my application has been successful. In one aspect I'm hoping it has been so I can gain a little independence, and a little respite from my home life but in another aspect I'm praying I get declined so I don't have to do this course (My hearts not 100% into it I feel its the wrong decision but I can't admit that to my parents although I think they already know). But time will tell. Maybe I should lie and say I was just declined it would save me all the hassle.

Ah the joys of life

multicoloured poodle is going to school

Phase one of my relapse is falling into place. I just emailed the course co-ordinator and she said i will find out next tuesday at the info session if my application has been successful! I am so excited! My plans are slowly setting into place. But I'm happy for all the wrong reasons for the sheer fact that I will be out of the house able to avoid meals and who knows possibly moving into my own joint in the new year it really excites me. Yes that same me I talk about is the Anorectic me. The only part that makes it all seem unattainable is the thought of continuing with treatment the same treatment I have thrown away time and time again. But never quite successfully.

I find it harder and harder to write about my endless days filled with a whole heap of nothingness. I feel my writing is pointless and a pure waste of time nobody reads this junk anyway or feels that I deserve a bit of support but now that I'm no longer journalling after a year of solid journalling I feel I must keep up my promise to myself to journal and document my life for one day it may come in handy maybe I'll write a book? A book about what!? Ha. It takes me an entire day to write something partially coherent something I am partially 'happy' (thats not the right word) about.

Talking about endless days of nothingness my parents think I'm falling into old habits where I have nothing to fill in the days and they think i need stimulation and motivation hence why she rash decision to enrol in tafe (I don't even feel I chose the right course). They want to see me indulge in my art work once again and even suggested doing a mural on my wall after a lot of self doubt I have decided a mural will be a good pass time so this is what i intend on producing over the coming holiday period.

I got my hair permed yesterday and getting it professionally dyed next friday I'm not going to go outlandish with colouring I think I'm going to go my natural brown something it hasn't been for years. But maybe I'll stick with my Red? It suits me and matches my glasses. This is the one nice thing I do for myself once every 6 or so months. So here's a pic of my multi coloured poodle :)

Plans for a future

I have been doing it hard since the boy jumped off ship I felt gullible and stupid for letting him in for getting my hopes up and in turn my heart broken. I have been eating laxatives like one would lollies except lollies aren't on the menu and they taste bitter sweet. Quite literally.

I know I will fall from grace.

This moment of recovery is exactly that a moment. I'm planning my decent.

I'm counting down the months then the days (1.5months the rest of december and all of january) I just have to hold myself together until I get back from my holiday (february 11th next year) which should be easy. Whilst I'm away I become to preoccupied with pleasing my grandpa and making my grandma proud of me. I have to be the golden granddaughter. The flawless granddaughter.

I plan to move into student residency next year which in turn requires me to be a student, so I have enrolled in a course that is a bit light hearted; nail technology. I have high hopes. Mostly to get into the course complete the course whilst juggling my Anorexia.

Which reminds me my psychologist is still yet to ring me and arrange a check in appointment my mum thinks I should continue to see them and I probably will but on more of a down low kind of setting maybe I will see if I can see her once every two/four weeks (until I am well relapsed and lost lots of weight)

2015 is my year to get thin again! To feel happy again! To be able to look at myself in a mirror again without being disgusted by what is staring back at me; an obese (who is actually a 'healthy' weight) whale. Thats an insult to whales!

Record Breaker

Well as the title states I'm smashing records.

RECORD ONE: Four day relationship...Over. I told him I wasn't going to live in secrecy he either tell his parents or I couldn't be with him. He chose the latter. I put my faith in the idea he was a man and not a childish immature little boy. I got my heart broken. I was wrong.

RECORD TWO: I oded on laxatives for the first time last night in about 2 months since before I went into hospital for kidney failure. I was overcome with the NEED to harm myself which leads me to record number three.

RECORD THREE: I cut for the first time in about at least 6 months I don't know what it was but I saw my blades and they beckoned me and I ran to their rescue and made them alive once more. Four clean sweep cuts that stung man I missed that feeing of utter self hatred of the relief.

Movie's and restricting

I went to the movies with my boyfriend last night it was a great night even though we barely talked it was hard to find something to talk about we talk on a daily basis which dry's up the conversation starters. We went and saw Gone Girl it was really messed up. At the end of the night i said goodbye gave him a little kiss on the cheek then nearly fell out of the car. Just great.

He didn't even have popcorn so I felt like a fatty eating my supper :( you'd think he was the one with Anorexia not me.

I don't know when we will see each other again next he hasn't even bothered to message me today and I don't want to be the first to message him. Mexican standoff right here ladies and gents. I'm actually really questioning my mindset as to why I'm with him I like him don't get me wrong but it just feels rushed which it is I've known him a week and been his gf for 4 of those days.

I'm tempted to start fasting again tomorrow but I know it will break my mum's heart but I just can't keep up with this. Going to resort back to ensure I think and slowly ease my way into complete restricting again. I have nothing binding me anymore and a team thats about ready to give up on me granted I'm dealing well, which I'm not. But who's to say I can't tell them I am? It's my word against there's.

UPDATE: so I messaged 'my' boy and told him he either tell his parents or I can't be with him he chose the latter I am now heartbroken and actively engaging in my anorexia I don't see the point in trying I'm ugly fat and unlovable :''(

Week of gains

What a week its been!

On Friday my dad got a job as a bus driver after months of longing looking applying and being knocked back he finally has a job and can start paying me back! Excitement plus to have money rather then always having to factor in that I have to financially support my family.

On Saturday night I went to a cricket function where we fake gambled and I met a boy who had me laughing and feeling like i fit in in every way possible interpersonally and externally. I thought this could be something by the end of the night when he was giving me his fake money as I had run out. The next day I had a friend request on facebook and an inbox from him saying he was glad i accepted his friend request. We kept chatting and decided this Saturday (tomorrow) we would go see a movie together,... as friends!

On Tuesday I hade my appointment with my psychiatrist P where he basically said the teams job had been done they had served their purpose and I could basically be sent on my merry way unless I thought there was room to work on the psychological aspects of my Anorexia. I felt like he had dropped me on the head as a baby and left me for dead in the middle of a busy highway. I left and was told the team would be in touch for a check in in a few weeks time if I was still well that'd be the end of it and if I wasn't they would figure out then how to intervene. I'm planning my plight. I just don't know if I should wait until there's no longer anyone there to save me or if I should let them save me. I don't feel ready to face the big bad world alone yet.

And then yesterday I was messaging said boy again and we made it official at 19 years of age I have my first boyfriend! I'm over the moon with happiness and he's happy too he keeps messaging me saying he misses me and wants to be with me and goodnight beautiful and it feels great to be loved but I wonder if this is a forced relationship it just feels wrong like I'm stepping on egg shells hoping they don't break silently knowing they will. But I guess time will tell maybe it feels wrong because I've never don't this before I know nerves play a huge factor!