What did you get for christmas? Fat. I got fat.

Well I've found myself with little to say as of recently. The days seem to blur and merge into one. They are spent lounging on the sofas listening to music or sleeping. And occasionally engaging in conversation with my family. I feel fat and its only made worse looking at old diary entries of the same time last year 10 kilos lighter and you know what? I'm just as depressed and self loathing as then.

On the 23rd of december I had an appt with my psychologist. And as predicted she was as nice as ever. She was running through BPD (borderline personality disorder) with me she says you don't have to fit all the criteria but the vast majority and guess who fits that? apparently me. I don't want to be labelled again so maybe i'm living in denial but i refuse to be told i have bpd I am not and never will be the same as my older sister.

I also spoke to my psych about mental health housing she wants me to discuss it with my dad first before she puts in the application. She said to let her know next appointment. January 6th. I'm kind of thinking student res might be better I can live independently close to home cheap with other people that aren't sick and don't know my past ad i can still indulge in my anorexia. Seems legit.

Christas came as we all knew it would and I found myself caught up in the festives with panic engulfing me all day long. I just wanted to run in the opposite direction pretend it didn't exist lock myself in my room anything but pretend to be happy! Santa was nice to me though i got 6 t-shirts a polaroid type camera and film then i got incense a tea pot and infuser and some wall art from my sisters and a book and an elephant (im obsessed with them) ring holder from my grandparents.

Boxing day was spent at the races getting fat, betting and drinking it was a good day but FAR too many people everywhere you turn you bump into someone

And today I've slept done absolutely nothing and enjoyed every bit of it (except for the morning shopping but if i didn't do that i would never get out of the house)

So i leave you there. Merry christmas and a happy new year xx

Tis the season to be jolly fa la la la ....NO

I've been house hunting and guess who found a house she has fallen in love with? ME! but there's one slight problem it becomes available for people to move in on jan 23rd I'm away until feb 11th :( looks like I'm going to have to keep hunting, but, it's perfect! and cheap ($160 pw) *sighs* maybe I can keep praying noone else likes it maybe i can pray something closer to home in my budget will become available maybe I can pray i can strike a deal with the home owners to move in when i get back (unlikely). Just maybe!

Last night we went Christmas light looking it was awe inspiring. The littlies love it although they fought like cat and dog in the car for 75% of the time. We had an ice cream on the beach for supper at 11pm. I had a snickers one one word omnomnom!

Tomorrow I meet with my psychologist I'm edgy and on nerve. I'm sure she's just going to look at me and think how fat has she gotten! (I know she won't she's too nice for that but my an tells me she will and we all know an is always 'right' --ha what a joke). At least I can discuss going on the wait list for mental health housing :) life seems to finally be taking shape.

I took a bunch of lax last night and today I'm paying the price. Did I mention my periods here... A week early way to make a girl feel fat!

Sorry this is so disjointed I will leave you with some pics of our adventures gallivanting around the country side last night

 

Triggers. What are they? Planning. Where did I go?

Triggers. I mentioned them briefly yesterday. If I recall correctly I stated maybe that’s something I should work on with my psychologist? I know its not a precise mathematical equation but it made me think, what are my triggers? I think one of them is looking at old photos of me seeing the transgression from healthy to skin and bone back to the healthiest I’ve ever been or in anorexia's words the 'fattest I've ever been'.

I think I have come to the conclusion I will ALWAYS be eating disordered there is no complete recovery but more periodic episodes of remission. It's constantly lurking waiting around every corner just over every bend to grab hold of your hand and cuff it to its own like prisoned best friends entangled in an abusive love relationship.

My dad thinks I'm relapsing because I'm wearing trackies a lot again listening to music a lot again and going to bed early and getting up late a lot again. Love how he can determine my level of heath based on my musical outlet and what I'm wearing. Ha. What he doesn't realise though is although I'm eating regularly still, now, I relapsed a long time ago. Before I got out of hospital I was destined for this I planned it I was content with the idea. I'm eating laxatives like candy again for christs sake and I plan on moving out so i can starve myself to death! If thats not evidence enough I don't know what is then.

I'm going to ask my psychologist on Tuesday to apply for mental health housing and in the mean time I'm going to keep house hunting as this is the preferred option so I don't burden anyone so I can plummet at the hands of my demons in the comfort of my own home my own rules my own everything. 

I'm trying to think of the foods I would keep in my house. 'Safe' foods. All I can think of is; Diet jelly, Diet soft drink, soy milk, rice cakes, diet yoghurt, peas+corn, carrots, apples, mushrooms, juice, coffee, tea, mocchachino. Let's face it my house is going to be just about empty! It's going to be difficult when I have my little siblings over because you have to feed them something! But at least I know when I'm fasting I won't have anything I can 'binge' on (and by binge I mean consume with more then 100 calories).

By the way Happy One Year blogging anniversary for the 7th of December :) I have reached milestones of 4700 page views in that year and accumulated 8 followers and had a total three comments (how pathetic aye? Way to make a girl feel unappreciated)

The good and the well, not so good

So today has been just as busy as the last few.

First stop on the agenda was to town to get my hair done at the beauty school and I left feeling just that; beautiful. I now have bright fiery red hair. But no pictures will be posted like I promised as I can't do my hair justice and I'm feeling incredibly overweight right now despite what everyone tells me-- You are a healthy weight. That word --healthy-- sounds so dirty to me I might as well be speaking profanities.

Then I continued on my way delving deeper into town, immersing myself in society once again and meeting up with a long time friend. The first thing she said to me was "I didn't recognise you with no feeding tube" I don't want to be known as the girl with the tube (or in this case without the tube). The tube shouldn't be my identity. But it has become an ingrown part of me we are one in the same after so many rekindling's of our relationship.

I made a bad decision to eat McDonalds for lunch something I haven't eaten in far too long or maybe not long enough. I got no satisfaction out of it and instead it has left me infatuated with my weight, what I look like and what I've become. And as if that's not enough I got home and had my mother tell me we are having take-away for tea. I already feel like I've gained 2 sizes and ballooned to the size of a small whale in the span of a few hours despite my rejection of morning tea and afternoon tea (I figure my lunch made up for my snacks for the day).

I can't wait until Tuesday I meet up with the lovely psychologist D which I haven't seen for 5 long weeks she told me to think about what I want to talk to her about and in all honesty I have no idea what i want to use my time to talk about! I feel like we have gone as far as we can go. I need her help to get mental health housing but thats about all I can think of. Maybe I should talk about my triggers figure out the origin of my anorexia? She said she'd brainstorm so I'm relying on her. I get in there and babble like a two year old I trip on my words.

I've also been listening to "the sea is a good place to think about the future'

I find I relate to it a lot at the given time. I can feel myself slipping the minute I start planning. But this time, I.WILL.BE.SUCCESFUL! My plummet has begun its a matter of time. You know how I know this? Its a secret. I know because I have been toying with the idea of overdosing on my prescription medication. I won't. Not yet. I have to die skinny. I wish people would stop interfering.

Busy bumble bee

Well today has been eventful it's 11.30 and I've been out most of the day. I'm a busy bumble bee. First it was to drop off my NG feeds at the hospital. What a huge feat that was! I wonder if I really do want recovery? I ate morning tea when I could easily have skipped it.

Then it was on to centrelink I headed. He was a really nice bloke. More importantly he was helpful! He suggested I apply for a disability education supplement on top of my pension. That's a further $60 a fortnight it's not a lot but it all adds up. I have a compulsory activity to attend psychology appointments (looks like I won't be discontinuing aha) and voluntary activities to go to school and go to a looking for work service. I'm not looking for work I'm looking for them to pay for my course haha. 

I'm looking forward to my holiday in January a month away a month to recoup to get a grip on life to relax and to prepare for a good year ahead! 

My psychologist rang and I have an appointment next Tuesday it's daunting as I know I've gained weight I know I'm a fatty all she's going to see is lard spilling out everywhere. But I plan on asking her about disability housing I might even call her back today to ask. Get the ball rolling.

Next week is busy Tuesday-psychologist appointment Wednesday- disability support service appointment Thursday- Christmas. At least it should be a little less costly from here on out as the Christmas period has reached it's climax and shall soon be over for another year. The only thing I need to pay for is my hair tomorrow (I'm dyeing it but I'm not set on what colour yet await photo bombing guys ;) ) and my phone bill then my dads going to pay for my course and equipment (as he owes me a small fortune) thank heavens I won't have to worry about that. $1600 later. 

I feel like my life is slowly falling into place. I am still very much consumed by ed but now sometimes I can ignore him and get on with living.

Baby Dino

"Baby Dino" that nickname still taunts me to this day. My great aunt called me this as a toddler due to my baby fat status. I was chubby and fat. But I was a baby? Does that give me an excuse? Hell no. But thats what my parents reassured me; it did account for something. Well I now avoid all mirrors when I'm getting changed to spare me Anorexia taunting me relentlessly. But last night I caught a glimpse and now I'm in a spin I feel triggered in every way shape and form. I don't really know where this is going perhaps its just a small reminder to those out there who carelessly throw names around. They stick. And, words kill. They are slowly killing me.

I have been watching anorexia videos constantly and I don't even know why maybe its my form of 'thinspo' although I don't believe in that stuff. It does trigger me though. I'm thinking about my anorexia constantly. Praying I will have the strength to move out next year so i can return to its 'loving' arms. I just want the torment to end. I even considered ODing last night but lord gave me strength, I didn't. Instead I went to bed.

Today I realised that we have mental health housing here which is cheap self contained and independent living. Its a step up program from living at home and a step down program from seeking refuge in a hospital. Rent is 30% of ones government funding. You have to be seeking treatment (or involved with a treating team-- which i am). And there is one community meeting/and dinner a week (?) Otherwise the rest is up to you. Maybe I could use this as a stepping stone to independence (and relapse, but lets keep that one between you and me ;) ).

I really have nothing to say this is a pointless post but I need to keep my thoughts in check.

battle of the wills

"They say you don't know what you've got until its gone" whoever said this couldn't of hit the nail on the head more precisely! I wish I could turn back the clock and embrace my anorexia rather then being pig headed and thinking I was naively fat. Now I am at my highest weight praying I never made that phone call.

I'm in a too and fro tug of war in my own brain. On the left is the rational brain saying go to school to make something of yourself (course in nutrition) then on the right I have the Anorexia saying go to school close to home so you can have the best of both worlds; family, school, independence and treating team (course in nail technology) And then there's the real me in the middle screaming silent screams that no one hears.

The coming days will prove a battle of the wills; Anorexia or life?

The joys of life

Well this is just a quick one the world seems to be caving in on top of me I feel suffocated by all the things I should be doing this time of year but just don't have the 'care factor' to do so.

I finished my christmas shopping today, 1.5 weeks shy of christmas. Something I would usually have prepared months before but venturing outside of the comfort of my own home is becoming daunting and scary. The world is a truly traumatic place their is bad around every corner and a little less dramatic just as much good. But my head just can't handle the demands of life. Of living.

Today I ventured outside of my safe haven to face the big bad daunting world. To face the likes of society. I fear there is just far too many cliches and clicks that I just don't fit into now days.

Anyway it wasn't all bad. I came away with a few hours outside of the same monotonous environment. I came away with 75 dollars less then I left home with. I came away with my christmas shopping complete. I came away with socialising with a friend (something I just don't have the time or energy these days to deal with). I came away with a possible house mate in the coming new year.

Every year comes and goes in the same amount of hours and days as the last (regardless of the leap year) but it seems to pass me by in a flash. By the time I grapple with the the idea that another year is upon me a new one is dawning. And either way I still do the same darn thing relapse after relapse hospital admission after hospital admission fight after fight. Over and over.

Tomorrow see's me venturing outside once again to an information session on my chosen course where I find out whether my application has been successful. In one aspect I'm hoping it has been so I can gain a little independence, and a little respite from my home life but in another aspect I'm praying I get declined so I don't have to do this course (My hearts not 100% into it I feel its the wrong decision but I can't admit that to my parents although I think they already know). But time will tell. Maybe I should lie and say I was just declined it would save me all the hassle.

Ah the joys of life

multicoloured poodle is going to school

Phase one of my relapse is falling into place. I just emailed the course co-ordinator and she said i will find out next tuesday at the info session if my application has been successful! I am so excited! My plans are slowly setting into place. But I'm happy for all the wrong reasons for the sheer fact that I will be out of the house able to avoid meals and who knows possibly moving into my own joint in the new year it really excites me. Yes that same me I talk about is the Anorectic me. The only part that makes it all seem unattainable is the thought of continuing with treatment the same treatment I have thrown away time and time again. But never quite successfully.

I find it harder and harder to write about my endless days filled with a whole heap of nothingness. I feel my writing is pointless and a pure waste of time nobody reads this junk anyway or feels that I deserve a bit of support but now that I'm no longer journalling after a year of solid journalling I feel I must keep up my promise to myself to journal and document my life for one day it may come in handy maybe I'll write a book? A book about what!? Ha. It takes me an entire day to write something partially coherent something I am partially 'happy' (thats not the right word) about.

Talking about endless days of nothingness my parents think I'm falling into old habits where I have nothing to fill in the days and they think i need stimulation and motivation hence why she rash decision to enrol in tafe (I don't even feel I chose the right course). They want to see me indulge in my art work once again and even suggested doing a mural on my wall after a lot of self doubt I have decided a mural will be a good pass time so this is what i intend on producing over the coming holiday period.

I got my hair permed yesterday and getting it professionally dyed next friday I'm not going to go outlandish with colouring I think I'm going to go my natural brown something it hasn't been for years. But maybe I'll stick with my Red? It suits me and matches my glasses. This is the one nice thing I do for myself once every 6 or so months. So here's a pic of my multi coloured poodle :)

Plans for a future

I have been doing it hard since the boy jumped off ship I felt gullible and stupid for letting him in for getting my hopes up and in turn my heart broken. I have been eating laxatives like one would lollies except lollies aren't on the menu and they taste bitter sweet. Quite literally.

I know I will fall from grace.

This moment of recovery is exactly that a moment. I'm planning my decent.

I'm counting down the months then the days (1.5months the rest of december and all of january) I just have to hold myself together until I get back from my holiday (february 11th next year) which should be easy. Whilst I'm away I become to preoccupied with pleasing my grandpa and making my grandma proud of me. I have to be the golden granddaughter. The flawless granddaughter.

I plan to move into student residency next year which in turn requires me to be a student, so I have enrolled in a course that is a bit light hearted; nail technology. I have high hopes. Mostly to get into the course complete the course whilst juggling my Anorexia.

Which reminds me my psychologist is still yet to ring me and arrange a check in appointment my mum thinks I should continue to see them and I probably will but on more of a down low kind of setting maybe I will see if I can see her once every two/four weeks (until I am well relapsed and lost lots of weight)

2015 is my year to get thin again! To feel happy again! To be able to look at myself in a mirror again without being disgusted by what is staring back at me; an obese (who is actually a 'healthy' weight) whale. Thats an insult to whales!

Record Breaker

Well as the title states I'm smashing records.

RECORD ONE: Four day relationship...Over. I told him I wasn't going to live in secrecy he either tell his parents or I couldn't be with him. He chose the latter. I put my faith in the idea he was a man and not a childish immature little boy. I got my heart broken. I was wrong.

RECORD TWO: I oded on laxatives for the first time last night in about 2 months since before I went into hospital for kidney failure. I was overcome with the NEED to harm myself which leads me to record number three.

RECORD THREE: I cut for the first time in about at least 6 months I don't know what it was but I saw my blades and they beckoned me and I ran to their rescue and made them alive once more. Four clean sweep cuts that stung man I missed that feeing of utter self hatred of the relief.

Movie's and restricting

I went to the movies with my boyfriend last night it was a great night even though we barely talked it was hard to find something to talk about we talk on a daily basis which dry's up the conversation starters. We went and saw Gone Girl it was really messed up. At the end of the night i said goodbye gave him a little kiss on the cheek then nearly fell out of the car. Just great.

He didn't even have popcorn so I felt like a fatty eating my supper :( you'd think he was the one with Anorexia not me.

I don't know when we will see each other again next he hasn't even bothered to message me today and I don't want to be the first to message him. Mexican standoff right here ladies and gents. I'm actually really questioning my mindset as to why I'm with him I like him don't get me wrong but it just feels rushed which it is I've known him a week and been his gf for 4 of those days.

I'm tempted to start fasting again tomorrow but I know it will break my mum's heart but I just can't keep up with this. Going to resort back to ensure I think and slowly ease my way into complete restricting again. I have nothing binding me anymore and a team thats about ready to give up on me granted I'm dealing well, which I'm not. But who's to say I can't tell them I am? It's my word against there's.

UPDATE: so I messaged 'my' boy and told him he either tell his parents or I can't be with him he chose the latter I am now heartbroken and actively engaging in my anorexia I don't see the point in trying I'm ugly fat and unlovable :''(

Week of gains

What a week its been!

On Friday my dad got a job as a bus driver after months of longing looking applying and being knocked back he finally has a job and can start paying me back! Excitement plus to have money rather then always having to factor in that I have to financially support my family.

On Saturday night I went to a cricket function where we fake gambled and I met a boy who had me laughing and feeling like i fit in in every way possible interpersonally and externally. I thought this could be something by the end of the night when he was giving me his fake money as I had run out. The next day I had a friend request on facebook and an inbox from him saying he was glad i accepted his friend request. We kept chatting and decided this Saturday (tomorrow) we would go see a movie together,... as friends!

On Tuesday I hade my appointment with my psychiatrist P where he basically said the teams job had been done they had served their purpose and I could basically be sent on my merry way unless I thought there was room to work on the psychological aspects of my Anorexia. I felt like he had dropped me on the head as a baby and left me for dead in the middle of a busy highway. I left and was told the team would be in touch for a check in in a few weeks time if I was still well that'd be the end of it and if I wasn't they would figure out then how to intervene. I'm planning my plight. I just don't know if I should wait until there's no longer anyone there to save me or if I should let them save me. I don't feel ready to face the big bad world alone yet.

And then yesterday I was messaging said boy again and we made it official at 19 years of age I have my first boyfriend! I'm over the moon with happiness and he's happy too he keeps messaging me saying he misses me and wants to be with me and goodnight beautiful and it feels great to be loved but I wonder if this is a forced relationship it just feels wrong like I'm stepping on egg shells hoping they don't break silently knowing they will. But I guess time will tell maybe it feels wrong because I've never don't this before I know nerves play a huge factor!

Porn

I told you I wouldn't be able to post much due to our new internet settings. And, I was right.

I honestly haven't done much at all this week to update you on and I sparsely see the point in trying to lengthen out a whole lot of nothing. I have been sitting on my fat ass watching porn shows not that sort of porn the auction type porn shows.

I went to the movies today and found myself smothered in AN thoughts. I went out last night to to a cricket function and I met a guy a year younger then me he was really nice we're now chatting on fb.

I also got burnt so i'm like a crispy chicken at the moment. Fried.

Anyway that's literally it I have outpatients on tuesday as long as I can hold myself together until then I will discontinue with outpatients and continue on my anorexic merry way I'm going to try restricting over pure fasting and maybe look at rentals?

A quicky

So yesterday I discharged against medical advice 9 days shy of my pre planned discharge date I just felt myself slipping and needed to stop it because the ED unit weren't (I believe) equipped to deal with my relapses. So I'm on track...for now.

I have little to say except it will be hard to keep my regular posting my dad changed the internet password so now I have to ask to go online :P .

My mum told me today that if I'm planning on relapsing I need to start organising and paying for my funeral because her and dad don't have the money to pay for it. It was really hurtful and hard to take on board even if I know where she's coming from. And I do just wish my Anorexia would hurry up and kill me. But its a slow process a process I don't want my family seeing.

I'm looking at doing school next year in melbourne so I can move and still not be too far away from good treatment or my family. Next step getting my drivers license!

Anyway I'm off now to investigate school xx

Rebecca's, epiphany

Ward round as one may have remembered. And it didn't go my way so I've thrown a tanty. I've gone on a hunger strike. But I have yet again come to the conclusion that it just won't get me nowhere I want to go! So I'm ballsing up and drinking my ensure. My safer option when I'm just not in the mood to eat. It was a plan I came up with to help me achieve 'recovery'. 

I rang my dad earlier today and asked him to pick me up regardless of what the team had suggested and he was angry with me for not taking there word into account the thing is though I had already run through all the scenarios in my head. 

The only reason it would be against medical advice which I asked specifically about is because there is still "more to the program like cooking and outing". I don't want to do cooking here because I feel overwhelmed and I just don't like engaging in old behaviours I actually enjoyed once upon a time ago. And I don't want to do outing because I went on leave with a friend yesterday and that was so much nicer and less intimidating. Plus I don't even like the lady who does outing she's just not involved in my care at all. 

I've so gone off on a tangent lol anyway the point was my dad and I argued so I'm staying another night. But I've been trying all arvo to rope him into picking me up tomorrow he said he can but it won't be until lunch time. I was OK with that otherwise I was going to look into a taxi voucher but I'm not sure it would get me to another city. 

And now I'm back at the time where I don't know what the right thing to do is. Well in actual fact I know what the right thing to do is that would be to wait it out the next 9 days but I really don't know what I am going to get out of another 9 days if I don't want to be here in the first place.

I just had supper and opted to eat on the neuro psych side it was much more relaxing I think I am going to eat over there from now on. They even have filtered water! Big thing here the ed side had our water fountain taken away because people were purging in it. Anyway I had a great talk with my contact nurse who didn't judge and accepted and actually helped me work through my thoughts and I think the right decision is to leave! I'm ready and I'm not going to become anymore ready in 9 days then I am now.

There's a new patient today (2 actually) and one of there names is Rebecca I find this quite confronting because I still live under my rock where I believe 'rebeccas' are immune to anorexia and eating disorders.

Out and About

So today I was given half day leave (1pm-5.30pm). It was bliss. I met up with an ex patient i grew close too. She showed me around Melbourne and I looked at everything awe struck like a tourist  I felt like I've been living under a rock for the past 19 years of my life. We went to the queen Victoria markets were I bought a $5 agate stone necklace on a leather cord, we went to QV were we had afternoon tea frozen yoghurt (again something I've never tried before but something i will definitely try again) and Big W where I bought a $9 pair of flats. We went to Daiso where everything is literally $2.80 I bought colourful tape and a pencil shaped like a syringe I though it was funny yes my humour is that lame. We went to the emporium where we sampled tea and drank it to our hearts content I bought a coffee mug which i think will be best suited to soup its...too big. But all in all i had a blast we watched buskers and saw homeless people all of which i felt sorry for and blessed to be me.

The decision to discharge or not is looming I'm conflicted and I feel any decision i make will be wrong due to my clouded judgment even though everyone my geelong team, the melbourne team, my friends and my family all urge me to stay the next 10 days and hey what's another 10 days right? 10 days in here is a lifetime. So in preparation for tomorrow if i do decide to leave I have packed my bags. And the dietician has written up the supplement regime that I asked for, I have to let dad know after morning wad round if i want him to pick me up...I think I already know my answer quite obviously for all the wrong reasons.

I honestly want to go home so i can restrict I want to stay here to get better but I want to restrict which would be triggering for all the other patients which is understandable so instead they deal with my restricting with punitive measures of seclusion. I wouldn't mind the seclusion over meal times but I do if thats where I have to remain for an entire day! Margaret dealt with it so well but she was forever lonely good thing she was so malnourished she just slept it off something I'm not too good at, forgetting that is. My mind still races even when I sleep. Plus she was only admitted for two weeks. And I am slowly making progress here gaining extra time off the ward.

Going out today though really made me think I'm missing out on life! It's the sad reality.

Red fizzy drink

Today has been eventful yet not at all stimulating. We are currently in lock down and have been for quite some hours since at least 3pm (its now 7.20pm) because one of the girls that i call crazy and psycho has been trying to escape. Obviously to no avail. So that has been entertaining all we needed was the popcorn. I'm a "horrible mean bad person". But honestly I do feel sorry for her I completely understand where she's coming from and i too am guilty of being an escapee.

My hr was just sitting between 150 and 158 again MET call criteria but this time the nurse didn't seem to even bat an eyelid. I was also told that the ecocardiogram that had been ordered has apparently not been ordered because he's 'not too worried' it seems like no one here really cares I feel like my heart is just about to jump right out of my chest. This is one reason why I want to leave nobody takes me seriously.

I made a pros and cons list of staying here and of going home it wasn't very successful and has just left me more confused and conflicted here's the list;

PROS TO STAYING -Inpatient team/nurses support -Groups -Friends -Meal support -Family Therapy -Banana Chai

CONS OF STAYING -No control over meals -Wasting time and resources -Stalled progress -Feeling misunderstood -Being away from my family/friends -Being unable to create a future -Doing it for my family/friends

PROS OF GOING HOME -Restricting -Family -No restriction on activities -Control over intake/outtake -Less restrictive environment -Being able to focus on school and building a life -Seeing Lesley

CONS OF GOING HOME -Restricting/Relapsing -No 24/7 support -Being sectioned again -Becoming medically unstable -Letting my family down -Being sent back to the Swanston centre -Not being allowed back to JCU -Against medical advice -OP support minimum

My head is all over the place. In one respect I want to go home in the other I want to get better and on the bigger side right now i just want to relapse fall headlong down the rabbit hole. My ED thoughts are yet again running rampant in my head like little kids on red fizzy drink.

Pick me up

Dad says he will pick me up monday or wednesday if i so do choose not to stay here. I think if I make it to wednesday there will be no point in discharging myself with a mere week to go. But i'm desperate and desperate times call for desperate measures. I have to decide by Sunday so my dad knows if he has to take the hour and a half trek up to Melbourne. I think I want to go. Actually no I know I want to go! But I also know that is my eating disorder talking my eating disorder trying to manipulate me into being well....manipulative, playing the system to work in my favour.

I spoke to my older sister tonight and she expressed to me that she was suicidal and wanting to go to the chemist to buy pills to overdose. And what was i supposed to do sit here in a hospital being worried sick? No! I called the emergency triage number and got support. My team here were very sensitive and compassionate toward me as I told them what had happened through sobs of tears.

Today was the funeral for uncle kenny i wasn't close to him so missing out on the funeral wasn't such a bad thing. But it has reminded me that Caitlin's birthday is fast approaching and I don't know how on earth I am going to cope with that my normal way would be to retreat back to Anorexia's arms. But this time I have to try something different. I've given up on different I don't want different I hate change! To clarify caitlin was one of my friends who passed away when we were only 12 in a train accident.

I also believe I have figured out one of my triggers for eating disorder thoughts; banana chai tea its sweet and made purely with hot milk even though i ask for skinny milk it's still too much for my brain to handle i get sent into a frenzy yet i refuse to give it up maybe I should opt for a smaller version?

Anyway even after my strong long black coffee I am still very sleepy and want to watch the back of my eye lids and sleep until Monday. Discharge come at me whether I'm ready or not there is and only ever will be one way to find out. To jump in head first.

the list grows

Ward round yet again today it comes around so quickly I can't keep up with the days. Well at least today I was able to hide behind the curtain so to speak in other words I didn't have to face the room full of about 10 different pysch specialists that analyse every move or word you say.

Again I get;
-cooking if I would like I don't know if I will take up the offer. It sends me into a state of panic I haven't cooked for so long and especially not something that I have to EAT! 
-I get half day leave over the weekend which is pathetic and pointless i swear they don't take into account that I LIVE IN GEELONG! 
-I am now off QID (4 times daily) obs instead I'm on BD (twice daily) obs they're only monitoring my hr anyway which is off the charts it reached 153 again today.
-I do however get a second 15 minute break off the ward which means half an hour of freedom a day! Woopie.
-I'm allowed raisin toast for breakfast.
-And to be discharged with consent I have to continue to do the program and eat 100% of the mealplan  so over this bullshit.

So I rang my psychiatrist to find out what the go is. I can not end up back in the Swanston Centre I need to go home! that is what my heart and mind are telling me today for once they are in sync I know people have been here and still are here longer then me I know 2 weeks go's by in a flash but it's not a flash I'm willing to take. Because by the end of it what will we have achieved? A waste of 5 weeks (or in this case 3 weeks) I will be straight back to square one I'm not physically or mentally ready for 'recovery' Kathy was right :'(

I feel like I'm at a crossroads between wanting recovery and wanting relapse I just feel like I can't deal with the world at the moment and my only solution to that is to starve my way into perfection. I didn't et a hold of my psychiatrist but i did get to talk to my case manager who i was blatantly honest with when she asked "why do you want to go home?" My response initially was I'm home sick followed by a "...I want to restrict" which inevitably means go cold turkey on the whole eating situation. Dad says I can come home monday or wednesday if i want but i have to agree to do outpatients and I have to attempt to eat. I'm thinking an ensure for dinner would be a good substitute. But maybe I should wait then maybe he won't expect so much of me? I doubt it I think I am only giving him false hope.

Head VS Heart

So as the title states I'm facing a lot of internal conflict. My heart says to stay and my head tells me to go. I know what my Eating Disorder wants me to do more or less compels me to do but I don't actually know what my real self wants me to do. I wish I had a magic wand to take it all away something to reverse time and stop me ever getting Anorexia but I guess you have to learn to deal with the cards your dealt.

We had family therapy this morning which I can't really elaborate on because i zoned out for the majority staring out the window, playing with my bracelets, tapping my nails anything really to distract myself and detach myself from reality. 

Then came meal support with my family which involved having a meal together and supporting one another. It ended in an argument or as much of our arguments as they come in my family a 'heated discussion' I voiced my desire to go home, they voiced their's that they didn't want me home yet and want me to stick out the program or I will be sent to the Swanston centre. A no go zone for me. 

So now I'm at a loss. I spoke to the reg on call and he said if i discharge today it will be against medical advice so wait it out until tomorrow then ask the team. I don't see the point they're only going to say no anyhow. So now to wait it out it's only two weeks anyway but two weeks in here feels like a lifetime. I'm just wasting time and resources here we're waiting for december 4th so i can go back to my old habits. What's the saying? "old habits never die young" 

My sister is going to the mother baby psych unit on Friday I'm happy she's going to be getting the support she needs but i miss my niece I want nothing more then to cuddle her and kiss her and tell her I love her more then words can say. But now I have to wait until I get discharged she's going to be all big and grown up :(

Also met with the dr again because he had spoken to the cardiology team apparently they want an ecocardiogram done to make sure there is no structural damage to my heart which he believe will come back fine (so do i) it has also been suggested that i increase my salt intake. Did I mention I HATE salt! But it's only one sachet. I don't think it will do anything. Apparently its not good to have your hr reach 154 lol and if the salt and water I've been made to have don't help it is possible I will be put on medication.

hearty conversation

So I've been a bit sack at posting never mind my diaries suffering from neglect too. Yesterday was ward round I was told if I refuse to eat I will be put on neuro psych side which is pointless and only achieves seclusion and isolation from the majority of sane people (yes i consider these people sane) so, I'm eating.

I asked to be discharged and was told if I do so it will be against medical advice so I'm fucked and have to stay here or I get transferred to the Swanston centre both of which are options I don't want to consider.

Today has been profoundly distressing I woke up and found out my room was being moved which i felt uncomfortable with. I found someone drank my chai tea that i paid for I mean not a little bit but like the whole lot! Then i spoke to my dad who was supposed to visit tonight and he's not because he stayed up until 3am. I also found out my little sister collapsed last night (she has diabeties she's ok now though but it was scary to think of). and then the icing on the cake was a nurse telling me "maybe it's not your time, maybe you should discharge yourself" so now I'm having conflicting thoughts. I want to go home but i want to be discharged with medical consent.

Yesterday I ended up having an ECG because my hr reached a climax of 154 met call criteria 150. So that was a little scary but I wasn't fussed too much I wish they would just get to the bottom of my heart crisis a cardiologist was supposed to come up last night or today but seems as though it will still remain a medical mystery.

I had take-away again tonight and the menu was italian BIG HUGE fear food right there guys! We also got a new patient come in today which I am very reserved about and was a bitch to at dinner not intentionally and definitely out of character for me. But hopefully I will be out of here soon so I don't have to deal with her shit. She's a 'crazy' 

I'm highly contemplating going home tomorrow when my family come up I just can't deal with these feelings and thoughts of 'I'm fat' 'I don't deserve help' 'I don't deserve food' 'I deserve to die' 'I deserve to suffer' 'I'm losing control' 'I'm not going to be able to stop eating' I really just want to go home so I can restrict and have my body shut down on me again and hopefully this time actually die from it. But I'm not going home if that mens swanston centre so we have to talk to the team tomorrow please give consent!

Oh and just to complete what a wonderful day my great uncle died we weren't close but i'm not going to be a cold hearted bitch and say it doesn't effect me because it does.

SmashED it

Yep that's right I'm smashing my eating disorder bullshit. I make things sound easy like I can just switch it on or off and sometimes it feels as if I can do just that.  But it's not that easy it's nowhere near as easy as learning the abc maybe a little more difficult like times tables (I never got the hang of these things). But I'm drinking my chai tea and eating 100% of my meals (with the exception of last weekends hiccup but, I've moved forward).

I finally have motivation again in my life. I want to get better to see my beautiful little niece grow up. I want to get better so my sister doesn't worry I will die in my sleep. I want to get better so my parents don't have to feel like they have an infant at home still. I want to get better so I can go back to school and make something of myself. I want to get better so I can travel the world and experience life for what it is; a truly amazing and inspirational oyster.

I can't have the 'best of both worlds' in terms of having all the above and an Eating Disorder. I realise that. But at the same time I realise no one chooses an Eating Disorder as can nobody choose to just completely cold turkey it.

Anorexia robs you of life, it robs you of passion and zeal. And what does it give you? A whole heap of medical issues that are long term detrimental and potentially life threatening. I'm over the whole to and fro shit.

Waiting to call my dad in an hour now can't wait to speak to him he always puts me in a good mood

What it's about

Another boring day in John Cade we have progressed forward to turning our nurses into cleaners. Yes I did just say cleaners. My morning contact nurse was so bored she decided to clean my computer its now white again yay it kept her busy for 30 minutes and I ended up with a happy product at the end.

Other then that it's been a quiet non eventful kind of day. Some of the girls here have been going to court the last few days over legal issues (obviously) and thankfully all went well for them in particular one girl whose studying law and had her suing overturned she just has to write apology letters and be a good girl. Which I was happy for her about all those years studying not gone to waste over a silly little issue.

Last night I was finding it particularly hard I was thinking about discharging myself today (this is what being taken off a section does to me) packing my stuff and just walking out proving to them all I'm not ready for change but, I want to go back to school so I have to be ready for change no ifs or buts. Although my Anorexia wants nothing more then for me to sink my teeth into it yet again no matter what ambitions I have in mind. Anorexia is more powerful and dominating then any other thought I poses. It doesn't discriminate and reminds me how manic and good at school i was when i was at my sickest it tells me I'm invincible and can do anything... with its help of course.

As the day progresses the Anorexic thoughts intensify and reach a crescendo inside my brain a berating drill sergeant that's words reverberate inside the empty walls of my mind for just one second I would like to not have a preoccupation with anorexia, food I'm eating (or not eating), drinks I'm drinking (or not drinking), exercise I should be doing, restricting I should be doing etc etc etc. I'm just plain over it.

It's no longer about image, perfectionism, stubbornness, power or rebellion. It's about death

UPDATE: It's amazing how the small things make the greatest of difference to my mind set I've been focusing on school next year as I've been accepted to do my year 12 although it has my brain in a frazzel about what courses I do. Well I just got even better news! How? our swedish friend offered me to come back with her next year for an exchange program I am still very keen I have 1.5months to prove I'm ready. This is the best incentive I'm just waiting to hear my dads opinion before I go ahead and try to organise it...again.

Happy Days

The illumines ward round dawned on me today. It was supposed to be a good ward round as I didn't have to go in. Then the nurse came out put a spin on things and said that the team wanted to speak to me. Anxiety rose to the temperature of boiling water it overflowed and I couldn't stop myself from wriggling my legs the whole time, but not all was bad in actual fact it was a good outcome! They overturned my section because they knew they were going to lose at the hearing on Wednesday. I get a 15 minute unsupervised break downstairs (banana chai come at me bro) I'm allowed to do take-away tonight but I REALLY don't want to because it's a waste of money and the meals end up being ten times bigger then a normal hospital hot meal and I don't think I could handle the anxiety although the team seem to think it will be beneficial I think not its a forbidden food.

So I had my 15 minutes (shhh it was 20 minutes) downstairs. The other patient I went down with had a smoke offered me one which I as the good girl I am ;) declined. Instead I settled for a banana chai latte and man was it amazing it was mind blowing how much I enjoyed it! I was actually able to drink the whole thing and I still felt incredible levels of guilt BUT I survived! Another lesson that food/beverages won't actually kill me like my eating disorder tells me it will evidence that ED is a liar. I just hope it gets easier.

I'm still planning on returning to my Anorexia when I get out of here (discharge date has stayed at December 4th). My parents are worried I will discharge myself early and they are quite possibly correct I don't know if I will be discharged on a CTO but I can hope not I will ask at ward round on monday what the go is. But honestly its not going to matter if I stay here two weeks (two weeks today) or five weeks my mentality isn't changing and to recover from anorexia that is what has to change eating isn't the be all and end all of recovery it is majoritvley about mentality.

I have decided to challenge myself and have takeaway its Thai night... I've NEVER eaten thai so I'm in a pickle I looked at the menu and had a mini breakdown but I settled for Patt thai with no chilli. Dinner just finished and surprise surprise I'm still breathing and my heart still beating. But, it was a let down it was bland and boring no colour and no flavour and just a whole big anxiety provoking event. After dinner my anxiety is now sky high and I don't feel like I can eat again it's a vicious cycle maybe I should just discharge myself. Jesus I've been off the section less then 24hrs and shit's already about to hit the fan.

There's a girl here that I've really clicked with she was admitted with a BMI of 12 she looks deathly sick skeletal sick. How is this of any relevance well on my first admission I was admitted with a BMI of 12 and I swear to god I did NOT look anywhere near as sick as she looks! But maybe thats just my distorted view (it probably is) but it's scary and such a wake up call!

Another busy day in JC

Family therapy... What can I say? In three words; waste of time. No. I shouldn't be so negative it was productive... kind of... They read out a letter my little sister wrote which stated she felt guilty for helping me in my eating disorder by eating my food and that she's scared I won't wake up in the morning she thinks hospital and an NGT are the best things for me. Needless to say I cried. We all cried.

Everyone wants this vicious cycle to end but how can it when lets face it I'm getting little to no meal support here expected to eat and not feel an overwhelming amount of guilt and betrayal. The psychiatrist in here is a narcissistic bitch anyway so I really just don't get the point.

Sometimes I question why I do the things I do is it a deep seated wish for attention? I think not its a wish for perfectionism improving myself and gaining an aspect of control and happiness into my life. It is not in spite of the ones I love and it is not rebelling against the system. It is a mental illness that makes you believe you are in full control even when you become so medically compromised you have no way to deny the fact that you are actually sick.

I'm praying for discharge so I can return to my eating disorder even if I've put in all the hard yards over the last five weeks none of it seems worth it. What am I actually gaining from this whole experience? Guilt, shame, disgust, self loathing and of course where would I be without my lovely amazing friends sitting there right beside me rooting me on to "smash it" at every meal. But in terms of recovering I'm at a standstill. I'm in this too and fro tug of war inside my mind. I'm at a place where I'm eating to get out of the system to return home to not eat to return back to the system that is so drastically failing my family friends and I.

On a positive note I found out I can do my year 12 through distance education next year which I am very excited about I used to love school I was good at it! But now comes the dilemma of choosing the subjects I will dominate in and will help me arrive at my final destination (A uni course).

The illumines ward round comes around again tomorrow and I'm yet again not handing in a sheet of paper I feel my voice is not heard or listened to so I just don't care anymore they will either discharge me or keep me in this prison one way or another it won't matter what I say.

My friend has been accepted into the private clinic but she's coming up with every excuse under the sun not to take up the bed I think she's insane not to take it up but I'm not fighting with her I'm just tired of this round about way. This stupid cycle we are both stuck in surely the clinic has got to be better then here she's not an hour away from friends and family and a familiar environment with dead set recovery like minded people and she doesn't have ridiculous visiting hours AND she's already working with the same team she would be working with in the hospital! I just don't get it but I'm sick of telling here she's worth recovery she doesn't listen maybe I should try reverse psychology?

My motto; eat to get out not stay out

Lesson learnt as you've heard me say many times before it's eat to get out not eat to stay out I'm dying inside but nobody here cares what your feeling as long as your eating 100%. So it looks like my eating disorder cognition and behaviours won't be changing anytime soon. I know this is my fight and I have to fight it but with little support I don't see the point when I can be getting skinnier and inevitably happier on the outside. I'm counting down the days until my initial discharge date (23days).

I forgot what this place was like I honestly thought it would be better then the Swanston centre if my memory served me correctly its a specialist unit for christ's sake, but it seems I was disillusioned the nurses push you to eat and if you don't your "childish" and need to "grow up" my eating disorder is disregarded and disbelieved and put down to teenage "rebellion"

I get made to feel even more worthless more like my illness doesn't exist like I am not cared for like my problems are pity and non existent. This is just a waste of five weeks of the teams, my parents, my friends and my time! I'm planning my fall from grace the minute I leave this place. Nobody here cares about me really it's their job to make our meals and supervise what your eating and document it but meal support is non existent we get drugged up and that's supposed to be enough. It's not fixing anything or helping us work through and deal with the underlying causes for our eating disorders.

We are put on the back burner a burden on society and the unit. At least they get paid to do nothing for us mentally. So much for a mental health unit. The structure of the program is in dire need of reconsideration otherwise we're all just going to continue this cycle and continue to be 'Institutionalised' BECAUSE LETS FACE IT THEY'RE NOT HELPING!!! 

I appealed my section yesterday and was given a hearing date today for next wednesday I'm now reconsidering it maybe I should just stick this shit hole out. I guess the tribunal will make the decision that they believe is in my best interest they are the one part of this system I haven't lost all hope in. I kind of want to stick the program out prove to everyone I'm not a waste of time and space even if that means I have to come back later down the track hopefully this time I can just have a restricted diet rather then a starvation diet? Oh who cares... I sure don't.

Here's a song I feel I really relate to today I hope you find it as relatable as me (I have just copied out the words I relate to most but the video link is below). Another positive is a) I don't have to have the injection as long as I'm eating 100% by thursday and b) I got a goodies parcel from my friend which included fun little things to pass the time.

Xx stay strong beautifuls

"How did I get myself into all of this mess?
How did I end up with this deadly home address?
How did I come to this, where every song I sing
Is nothing but a list of pain and suffering?

...
We fought hard not to die, yet we don’t know how to live
How do we change our world to what we want it to be?
How do we move beyond all of this misery?

One foot in front of the other foot
In front of the one foot in front of the other foot

I’ve been in chains since I was nothing but a kid
We don’t know freedom, not quite sure that we ever did
Now that we have it, how will we make use of it?
We’ve been committed — now to what do we all commit?

I used to have a home, now I don’t even have a name
I’m nothing but a number, here we are all the same
We’ve lost so much, so many of those we love are dead
How do I get these memories out of my fucking head?

...

How do we bear this burden, far too much to carry?
How do we change our prison to a sanctuary?
We’ve been kept from the light, no one ever gave a damn
If I’ve no one to fight, how do I know who I am?

...

...
But just because we live does not mean that we’re alive
We’ve won the final round, but how to enjoy the win
When we’ve been broken down and we’ll never know what could have been
Heaven help us, where do we begin?" -Emilie Autumn 

I've also been listening to Anna Graceman- 'words' and 'time machine'

100% Over this shit

As quickly as it finished it was back again. I'm talking Ward round people. And boy was it a disaster my feedback sheet majority says "Unable to discuss" because lets face it I went in there with my heart on the line begging to go home telling them they don't understand or listen to me and that the voice in my head is far too strong and loud.

Their solution I eat 100% between now and Thursday and we revisit the idea of discharge (But knowing my luck revisiting does not mean discharging) I am totally and utterly desperate I can NOT stay here until December 4th. My dad thinks its a piece of cake (pun intended) well I'm here to tell him he is completely wrong! I am dying mentally I swear I have lost about half my brain cells in here watching trash T.V. I'm even more scared that judith (the psychiatrist consultant in charge) has just said that to make me feel better whilst she secretly intends on making me fat.

The dr caught up with me again today he's only worked here a week and seen me 3 times! Apparently judith and the team have decided to put my on some anti psychotic injection once a week... I refused. I't not happening in this lifetime or the next. He's adamant I'm having it and have no choice as I'm sectioned I think they take advantage of this too much and as I said before it's not happening! Apparently I need it because oral meds aren't working and I am "clearly very unwell". I think he's spinning shit

After ward round I was very distressed and had a half hearted attempt at running away (I sat out the front of the hospital sobbing) before I ventured back inside to see the nurse waiting for me. I came back of my own accord. I did however ring my dad and beg him to pick me up which he said no to as he would get 'locked up'. Again I became very distraught.

As I type to you I am on the phone to get legal aid to help me overturn the section.

It's my sisters 15th birthday today and I'm missing out because I'm stuck in this shit hole. Pray for Thursday

What is 'Recovery'

Well yesterday arvo I got my shit together I pulled up my socks stopped sulking around feeling sorry for myself and put in the hard yards to start eating again. Afternoon tea, dinner, supper, breakfast, morning tea and lunch have all been a big success. Hell I'm not saying it has been easy but if there is only one thing I've learnt about hospital its that to get your own way (in my situation to get discharged) you have to comply then, then the choice is yours to relapse or continue to 'recover'.

I know I throw that word around a lot but what is recovery? What does it feel like? What does it look like? What is recovery??? Will I ever be fully recovered??? The dictionary states that recovery is a "return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength" I don't believe I have ever truly conquered this state of being I am always stuck in a state of limbo eating enough to be considered normal and stay out of hospital or eating nothing at all and swearing "I'm fine" when its clear that I am physically suffering. And somehow my body is becoming much better equipped to deal with my sustained periods of starvation.

It's a merry-go-round I fear I will never get off. I don't contain the strength or mentality to nib Anorexia in the butt once and for all. I fantasies about a life without anorexia I let it tantalise me for a few moments and then like a wave of smoke it disintegrates into the air like it was never there before. I wonder about all the things I could accomplish if I wasn't so obsessed and entwined with my illness I would accomplish many great things. But without my illness I wouldn't be me my Anorexia is my identity or at least thats how it feels everyone knows me as Bec-the-sick-anorexic not Bec-the-smart-intellegent-bright-bubbly-younglady-with-a-lifetime-in-front-of-her.

Tomorrow brings yet another ward round. Mondays we go in and see the team unlike Thursdays where the nurses convey what we ask them to. I'm nervous about going in but I want to go in I want my voice heard I want to be discharged (but I'm worried after my mishap yesterday I will have blown that chance and proved I can't recover) and if they don't discharge me I am filing for an application for revocation I am not staying here an extra 3 and a half weeks to know that the minute i get out all my hard work will unravel like a ball of wool. Why waste 3 weeks of their time and three weeks of my time I'm not learning anything new I'm just being monitored so my physical health doesn't decline but the minute I'm out we all know the ball gets thrown up in the air so, whats the point of all this? To keep my parents happy that's the point. But recovering has to be wanted by me for me and lets face it it's not. My parents are the be all and end all for me. 

I'm feeling like a blimp today I'm sick of this fat feeling I can't wait to get out of here and lose weight it's all I live for but this time I have to try and eat a little something rather then just going cold turkey we all know where that lands me...

down the rabbit hole

Unfortunately this morning things took a turn for the worse and I wasn't strong enough to push through. Breakfast, morning tea and lunch were all a fail and I don't think I can handle eating today or tomorrow or the next. It was quite nicely bought to my attention I'm sectioned and therefore they have to call a psych reg if I refuse to eat to review me and decide if the tube has to go back in :''( I'm such a failure why do I always have to fuck up!?

Today my friend ella made the hour long trek up to see me and take me downstairs for a little time off the ward it felt amazing to sit there soaking up the sun. She bought me a banana chai something I have been HANGING for but stupid anorexic me couldn't drink it and had to throw the whole thing away (without her noticing it was full) I felt awful! That is my goal to get back on track so I can drink banana chai so i can go on holiday in january so i can go home for forever so I can feel and be NORMAL! 

Well I just met with the psych reg which was a pointless waste of my and his time he basically said there's nothing he can do at the moment and to just keep an eye on my obs, which are declining I'm beginning to get a postural drop again and to review me at ward round on Monday. 

I have decided to contest my section I was doing fine at home I don't want to be here anymore! Considering just walking out the front door I'm that sick of this place so fed up i know my parents want the best for me but being in here surrounded by underweight girls is triggering I have never felt this triggered within this environment ever before (except when ella and I are in hospital together)

Take me out the back and shoot me

The nurse D came in for a D'n'M she told me I need to find motivation within myself for myself rather then just wanting to always please my family. She told me I was admitted because I wasn't coping wasn't able to move forward with my eating and wasn't able to handle the eating disorder cognition and would sporadically stop eating and drinking. Tick tick tick all 100% correct. She says my vitals are also a cause for concern as my heart rate is so out of whack.

Talking about that I had to meet with the registra again today as my heart rate topped at 141 again. The nurses are astoundingly worried beyond belief. He's not too worried he thinks I have something called postural tachycardia syndrome which is apparently only newly founded and complicated by my ed and dehydration. He spoke to the cardiologists which are going to come and see me but there is only one specialist in Melbourne. 

Meal times have been tremendously hard today as two girls are on leave one is on bed rest and not eating and the other has been moved to neuro psych for apparently encouraging people to leave the ward (which she hasn't if anything she's trying to keep us here) so it's just me! And I hate it! It makes me cringe. 

I'm thinking of going on strike tomorrow not getting out of bed not taking my meds and not eating or drinking my mind just can't handle these thoughts anymore! But I know it will only put me back so I have to keep pushing through until I get discharged.