Doing the ring aroumd

I last posted Sunday it's now technically Thursday(1am). Let's just say it's been a long day of ups and downs.

Monday I attempted to kill myself again  after a very tedious gp/psych appt. I told my team I was suicidal so they got a higher team to overview me. I told them I wasn't suicidal with all intent to return home and die. About 1pm rolled around and there was a knock at the door, I was given my notice of leave and asked to be out by 4pm. I continued on with my suicide attempt. It ended in hospital, until yesterday.

So I as most other teenagers do kept a close eye on my eye candy. He was as sweet as ever. Adoring. We went out to the realestate on Tuesday together and he stood up for me when they dicked me around. Then we went on a chai date, he did the gentlemanly thing and paid. I'm just awe struck that someone could be so genuinely kind to me! To bad he's 'not interested' it was a bit of fun.

Wednesday I was booted from the psych ward which is no biggy as they weren't even helping they were a door stopper of a.bamdaod quick fix. I get my message.dispwmsws wwwkly now instead. Maybe I'll stock up on then? Oh well I'm not suicidal at present my an is serving it's path. I was discharged with no accommodation and noway to get anywhere. So eye candy and I went for a walk down to the beach it was slightly romantic.

My Melbourne friend told me to present at Melbourne er I had nothing to lose so I hoped on a train. Lucky I spent the night in resuscitation with an incredibly high hr. I'm now on a medical ward awaiting review from the psych team. I don't mind being admitted here they have a specialist unit but I can't eat. The drip I've been connected to all night has finally finished after God knows how many litres I'm peeing like a camel

Eye candy and hospital

It's been over a week since I last posted and lots has gone down. My eating diminished to no more then 5 sips of whichever beverage I so do choose.

It ended in several suicide attempts days lost and hospital admissions about 4 I think? And a 3 day stint in the local psych ward of which I was discharged into emergency housing accommodation.

I'm now in the accommodation I feel so free I even bought a set of scales I've lost 3kg in two days. All that is in the pantry are said safe drinks and milk

I have inevitably been linked in with jigsaw to my detest but I don't really have a lot else running for me at the moment. So *shruggs*

Back to the hospital admission (I know the rule don't get involved) but there was this really hot guy he was so nice he gave cigarettes to no end and when I was cold let me where his gloves he said when he gets out he's going to give me a gift I'm a bit weary about that. But omg so nice to have a little eye candy ;)

Kicked to the curb

What a day yesterday had been I spent until 3.00pm in my room doing diddly squat I tried reading watching a movie and sleeping then I figured it was time to get my ass into gear so I did a 3k ride and 5k walk. Made me feel a little more comfortable in my own skin.

I got home and my mum promptly suggested I eat dinner to which I declined. So back to the room I went.

About 7pm came and my dad paid me a visit. It didn't go well I ended in tears. He told me I was hurting everyone I had no goals in life I was throwing my life away and that I couldn't stay there not eating. I'm now at my sisters house. He kicked me out :'(

My sister spoke to me about my dad. He told her he didn't kick me out but he doesn't want me around not eating. She told me I can't stay here long term which I already knew. 

I ended up msging my dad it ended in a fight him telling me he's sick of my anorexia and doesn't want me around not eating and me telling him he's in denial and to suck it up because it's a part of me. 

I have decided to move rather then go home back to the merry go round this is a huge and very hard decision for me I don't know that I'll survive.

My first house inspection is Tuesday I have two to view waiting to book the second inspection wish me luck guys This could be the start to a good thing or that of a bad but let's be optimistic here

6 mths hospital free promises to the future

Yesterday marked 6 months out of hospital with a few near hit miss. But I'm still on home Territory thank heavens I have an angel up there looking out for me

Last night (I'm very ashamed) I tried to overdose on 19 pills to no avail I was incredibly drowsy my mind stopped reeling and I actually had a good night sleep.  I won't be disclosing any of this to my family and friends. I'm so ashamed maybe more so because it was like I had checked off the planet. For the entire day.

I promised mysslf if I didn't die I would go to fasting again. So it looks like fasting time. I broke the news To my mum by txt she said "That's not going to fix whatever you problem is today, but whatever" which was ok I hope my eating disorded kicks me out because I'm sick of this two and fro game of tugga war in my mind I'm more sick of watching the kids suffer

So today's consumption 1xchai tea and it's almost bed time I'm still really tired from last night's meds

Update

I don't even know where to start I suppose the beginning is best.

Friday I went to the disability looking for work agency. The lady I met with was named Martine she was very tall and beautiful for her age of 51 she didn't look a day over 40. She was warm and I felt comfortable taking to her about my wacked up life minus the fact she studied psychology and spent the whole appointment analysing me. She set me some homework to read a book and borrow it from the local library. It was meant to get me out of the house. She doesn't know yet I compromised, I downloaded the free sample on my phone. That can be our little secret. Sssh

Then I got home and had an email from the phone company I was getting my phone through. I had been turned down. So I spent a good 3hrs on the phone and internet trying to get my credit history up so I would be accepted to no avail mind you. So I went into the store yep you heard right I WENT IN! The guy that served me was exceptionally helpful. I left the store new phone in hand at about 4pm.

Saturday night I slept at my sisters. For some reason that's where a lot of my negative thinking happens but at the same time it can be my great escape. Going over there also reminds me how much I want to move out I guess I need to get my ass into gear. Sunday was mothers day I bought my mum a dressing gown for when she goes to hospital in July and surprised her with a beautiful bunch of orange roses.

Which brings us up to date. The morning started cold windy and wet. I had a 10am appt with my councillor. I don't understand why I'm going we talk about random crap which is totally irrelevant to what is actually on my mind and taking place wreaking havoc in my life. And it's only a 30minute sesh so by the time I'm feeling more comfortable to talk it's time to leave. I just feel like such a joke. Like a fake. Like a fraud. How can I expect to be taken seriously when I'm such a low life? I have no self love only hate lives in my cold heart.

Effort and Energy

I guess I should try to compose a little something. It's been a week. But really there is nothing to say. Not worth saying anyway. Life is such an effort! I've been struggling to stay afloat but i have a milestone approaching (more on that at a later date).

I've been seriously thinking about locking myself in my room again. Buying cigarettes. Downing coke zero. Overdosing. Anything to clear my mind. I can't believe it, I'm so close and yet so far. I feel like life is slipping away from me like sand through my fingers. I'm sinking in quick sand. It's consuming me like a wave.

As I retreat into my own mind my escaping the house diminishes at a rapid rate. I've left the house on one occasion since last Thursday i stayed the night at my sisters and had a GP appointment the following day so i don't know if that counts as one or two either way my social life is suffering. All my friends. And i mean ALL have ditched me. Its an effort i no longer have energy to give.

Everything is an effort. I'm just so, exhausted. I'm ready to give up and give in.