Bittersweet

I'm going to a music concert tonight with my mum. I'm excited. 

I'm going out to dinner with my mum tonight. I'm anxious.

I took double my dose of seroquel. 200mg in one big shot. The concert won't finish until about 11pm. I'm already falling asleep it's 5.20pm, just great. 

No one ever said I was a smart one.

UPDATE: the one time I need to stay awake I'm falling asleep over dinner. At least the crowdedness in my mind was lessened and turned to white noise. It helped that there was only 7 people in the restaurant including my mum and I and I was faced with my back towards everyone. 

I ordered a fettucini carbonara something I would usually steer well clear of but I craved eating something without the nagging thought of meticulously calculating how many calories were in it I'd rather be blissfully oblivious. Then we ordered dessert another rarity for me. Sticky date pudding and vanilla bean ice cream. I figure I might as well enjoy my last supper I'm on the edge of another full blown relapse it's a matter of weeks maybe even days! So why does one good night have to be wrecked?

The concert was amazing it was magical. I forgot who I was for 3hrs I took up the pedestal of fan girl cooing over one of my favourite childhood country singers. I swear I pinched myself so much you'd think my arm had been eaten by fleas. I bought her your album so guess what'll be on repeat? Bittersweet. And tonight, was nothing short of bittersweet!

Snowball effect

About a month ago i decided i had to give recovery another go, or, I was going to kill myself. My body was failing. I was dying. I have made a remarkable physical recovery since then but my mind is still as sick as the day my life became consumed by my eating disorder. Since my first hospital admission nearly 3 years ago. And every time something ticks me off I go running into the arms of Anorexia. I've hit one of those walls. Again.

I went to Matchworks asking them to help me with a resume and they refused unless I wanted to be linked in with them, so, I agreed. They told me Centrelink needed to re refer me and that i was still registered as living in Queensland. So I walked home in tears what is so wrong about me wanting to do something positive with my life? The lady yelled at me for "using attitude". Which makes me hate myself for being a 'bad person'

I went home and made my own resume. Maybe I will get a job off my own bat (which is what i want in any case)

I yelled at my mum last night before bed because we were talking about clothes when her and dad were having a smoke outside. The conversation about clothes went something like this
Dad: What are you wearing thursday night? Boots? (just to fill you in my mum and me are going to a concert tomorrow)
Me: I don't have any boots that fit
Mum: Yes you do why don't you?
Me: Its that thing called weight gain!
*conversation over* and then to add fuel to the fire I'm about to burst through my pj's I just feel so depressed the self loathing grows I don't even know how that is possible

I need cigarettes. I'M NOT EVEN A SMOKER! I need a job, so i can move out. Its a snowball effect

Desperate times?

I finally dragged myself out of the house today although only barely. I didn't really immerse myself in society I just lurked in the corners. 

I went to match works a disability looking for work agency here in oz. I wanted to get the draft for a resume and the lady wasn't going to give it to me because I didn't want their help to find a job. So I lied and said "sure I'll link in although I'm not obliged to with my centerlink care plan". Their a free service but what's wrong with wanting to get a job off my own bat? Apparently a lot the lady really shook me and from then on my anxiety was noticeable to everyone. And by everyone I mean my GP.

I went to my GP appointment anxiety biting at my bones my leg bouncing my arms folded my eyes averted. I really didn't want to be there. I wanted to run home and cuddle up in my duvet. But I stayed true to my nature and attended. 

She was really upset with me today that I'm so reluctant to want recovery that the only reason I'm engaging in 'treatment' is to please my parents. She asked the routine questions 

Sleep?

Eating?

Symptomatic?

Medication?

Self harm?

Money? 

And I gave my routine answers 

Broken.

Restricted.

No.

Fine.

A little.

Penniless.

We agreed I'd see her fortnightly and my councillor tri weekly. So I will have one week appointment free. I have to get bloods next appointment which just seems pointless. She wants me to report if I become symptomatic but we all know I won't. I'm always "fine" or "ok". Which generally means I'm not but we don't push it anymore. And she said today she wouldn't weigh me the thought of her making me step in those scales made my heart freeze! 

She hopes my councillor can 'sow the seeds of recovery' I'm ambivalent. But I'm just about willing to give anything a try. Desperate times call for desperate measures

... I don't think I'm quite desperate yet.

Tomorrow never comes

Well today is Monday I was supposed to go to Matchworks and sort out a resume but anxiety kept me at bay. I had already had the delight of going into the heart of town searching high and low for a dressing gown for my mother for mothers day. Her old one has cigarette burns and she wants one for when she goes to hospital in july. My family are trusting me enough to leave me home alone. Which is always a trigger my AN says "oh to hell with it there's no one here you can finally exert control" and then things get out of hand from there. But I'm sick of being babied of being watched! Then we had breakfast out crepes and a hot chocolate roughly 900 calories by 10am! I don't generally eat out but there was literally us and no one else in the restaurant.

Tomorrow I have a GP appt my eating has gotten out of hand in a I can't stop kinda way. I want to ring and cancel I just feel blobbish and like I'm expanding at a rate of notts I want to hide from the world not confront my eating disorder. It's either all or nothing. And I'm working on returning to the latter. I just need to taste it...again. Just once more. Is that too much to ask? But my body craves food 24/7.

My mum then needed to make a medical refund claim so off we went. Whilst we waited I asked if she was going to make a claim to be my 'carer' again as she then receive's benefits and I'm not exactly paying my way (it's a bit hard when i have no money because i lend it all to my dad). She abruptly told me no its too much of a pain to get organised she doesn't want to baby me and she still holds out hope i will get a job and move out sometime this year. Master of subtlety right there.

So maybe I will organise a resume

...tomorrow

The new old crazy

Nothing makes sense anymore I don't know what I'm in this game for. What do I achieve through anorexia other then ruining my families lives? I want it to stop but I'm like a drug addict waiting for my next fix. And right now, I'm hanging for it! All the mechanisms it used to serve purpose for have ceased now it's like a bad smell I can't get rid of it's like mould; given the right conditions it feasters. 

I want to move out and my parents have gone from kicking me out to not letting me leave because I'm "not financially independent enough to support" myself. So I guess that's settled; I need a job. ASAP. Let the job hunt begin. Blah.

I wonder if I would kill myself from insanity or starving? Whichever comes first I suppose. I fear it would be the foremost. What if I die fat? How is it that can be my biggest fear in life? It takes pride over dying alone. Marginally. 

I need to make something. Anything. Of my life! The first step starts Monday when I get a resume done up for me so I can start looking around the joint for someone willing to hire an unqualified 19yr old crazy drop out. Yep that just about sums me up!

Anyway I'm out of things to say my mind is on high alert like a cat about to pounce but something is stepping on my tail holding me back. At least I stuck to the 'new' old rule of <600calories pulling in at 580. Which is a calorie deficit for the day.

A bit of this and a bit of that

Anorexic Bec is on the war path. I don't even know if I'm anorexic anymore. Anorexia is my identity what am i without it? A failure. A big fat FAILURE.

About two weeks ago I bought an exercise bike. Yesterday I bought a fit bit. Next week I'm looking at a gym membership. Tomorrow I'm looking at incorporating a walk too (if weather permits). I just don't know where to stop! 

And my intake continues to suffer. And coincidentally I let it. I'm either eating and feel like i cant stop even though its nothing particularly calorie dense or I'm starving and don't know where to start. It's a cruel game of cat and mouse, but this mouse has eaten too much cheese and can't fit through the hole.

My ability to be civilised is decreasing. How? I don't even know I don't have a sociable life in the slightest even at my best. I have however been at my sisters the last three nights it's energy draining to even think about venturing home plus there's so many people at home with 4 younger siblings and my parents. I feel suffocated.

Life is just....blah. But I feel good indulging in my anorexia it always does it feels safe and familiar. I just wish I could make up my mind if i'm starving or going to attempt 'recovery' I really just don't see the point in trying anymore

I got my nails painted again today. Money i really didn't need to spend but i am much happier with the result so i suppose it was worth it?

I had my councillor appt with Gill on Monday. She was really understanding and made me laugh at how ridiculous i really am. It was a simple appt she asked me what i wanted to get out of therapy i responded with my parents happiness as is always the case. It was a semi-catch up appt we didn't really talk about hospital but she got the gist of my situation within half an hour. I see her in three weeks. It was a relief to be over but I'm happy I'm seeing her again I need the support and stability and really just a wake up call.

I've been self medicating with my old meds again and surprisingly they're really helping but i have to use it sparingly as I only have the one box left and i'm no longer prescribed it for addiction purposes

I'm going to attempt to make soup again tomorrow as i attempt to start a liquid fast again. For me its all or nothing there is no in-between but im trying with a limit of 600cals I did it once before so i know i can do it again.

The shopping cart of an anorexic

My purrty nails

Sorry I have been absent of late nothing i write seems 'good enough' but today i put perfectionist bec behind me 

Proof in the pudding

So this morning i woke early excitement bubbling inside of me. It was 8.30 so i made the trip inside relieved myself and returned to my cocoon of slumber. Rising again at 10.30 i threw on my clothes i had meticulously planned out. My phone rang. Blocked number. My heart skipped a beat as i tried to figure out who it was before it rang out i quickly jumped to the conclusion it was a my tattoo artist ringing to cancel. It was but he wasn't cancelling he was making me the offer to come in at any time as he had two clients cancel on him. I jumped at the chance, so my dad drove me into town at 11. We sat and discussed my design a little while. He had played with the butterflies and made them each unique. He showed me the UV ink and let me ponder on the colours. We decided to outline my butterflies in the 'white' ink. Then i threw him a curve ball i wanted writing "With wings I can fly" so we picked a font and the millions of little needles that would permanently mark my skin set in. I ate two lollipops throughout the hour and a half procedure (for lack of a better word) as I had MAJOR shakes they almost decided to ink me in two sittings. But i made it through. I am not happy with the end result.

I AM FUCKING ECSTATIC! and here are the pics proof of the pudding

The outline of the butterflies.

Colouring in the butterflies

UV ink dots and outlines/highlights

Pretty cool under a UV light, all finished

Oh and no 'pretty nail' pics because my 'pretty nails' didn't work out which was disappointing but you can change them, you can't however change a tattoo so one for one i say. Will get my nails repainted in two weeks when i get paid next.

Also I leant my dad $100 AGAIN! I WILL NOT LEARN

Budget

Today I was feeling better getting a cold and the flu all at once really knocked me for 6. I decided to venture into the heart of our little town with my little sister because it was pay day. And what do I do? I spend every last penny. Well nearly i have $60 for the next two weeks. But what's the point to having money if you can't spend it, right? A girls gotta have a little fun every now and then. And if I don't spend it my dad is sure too.

What did i buy a whole lot of nothing. I have nothing to show for it. Not yet anyway. I bought an electric shaver instead of having to buy crappy plastic ones every few weeks. Which of course means i have a stash of razors at the ready when i get the need to SH which for some reason is becoming a prevalent thought at the moment I don't even know why except for the simple fact I have gained back all the hard weight i lost last month. Its simple really why can't i wrap my head around the formula; food=fat?

GOAL: Lose 3kg

I got money out so i can get my nails filled and painted tomorrow. I have another fun design in mind. Picture coming soon. It will be a mother daughter bonding time. I love doing girlie things with my mum. Like our hair. Which is next on the ever growing list of things I need to buy. I did however almost skip out on our nail trip....

....Which brings me to my third and final purchase. I booked in to get my tattoo done! He said he could do it tomorrow morning (but because i'm getting my nails done with my mum I asked for another later date). I was taken aback when he said he could do it so soon. Umming and arghing. I'm booked for 2.30 Saturday and I AM SO FKN EXCITED!!! All I can think about is the end result not the millions of little needles that will permanently ink my skin. The artist seemed really excited he said since he bought his UV kit he's only done about three. I trust him. Funny how we put so much trust and faith in someone we just met that could make or brake our body. Or more to the point our self esteem. Something I have very little of at the moment.

And a bonus it was in my budget!

Kindness, self love...ranting

Being nice to oneself doesn't come easily to me.
It's not innate.
It doesn't come naturally.

But I'm trying to treat myself as I would my neighbours ya ya ya.
I'm trying to show myself some self love.
Some compassion.
Some humanity.

I intend on getting my nails painted tomorrow.
A quote on my impending tattoo.
Viewing a flat (for independence).
And looking at going back to school mid year or next year depending on part-time intake.

Everything costs money.
Money I don't have because I feel somehow obligated to support my family whilst my dad wastes away the hard earned cash he's worked for.

Why do I keep saying yes? ---Because I'm daddies little girl and I don't want to jeopardise our relationship
I think he's abusing our said relationship.
Why should the daughter have to support their farther
Their mother
Their 4 younger siblings
Put food on the plate
And a roof over our heads?!?!

Tethers

I'm grasping at the shreds of my life the charred remains of a fire long since burnt out. 

I don't know where I'm headed I have no clear plan I'm simply going through the motions. I feel numb. Like I've sucked on too much ice and it has in turn turned my brain to an icy sculpture. Frozen in time.

Today is Easter. I didn't even get a single egg. On one hand it was depressing on the other hand at least I can't waste calories.

I made chicken and corn soup for dinner (I was supposed to make risotto but didn't feel up to it mentally or physically). Let's just say cooking isn't my strong point I could of been eating salt straight from the cracker. I think I'll stick to the canned pumpkin soup. It's more convenient.

As I mentioned before I didn't feel physically up to cooking turns out my immune system has turned to shit I have a fever some sort of flu for the second time in three weeks. So I stayed in bed most of the day way to spend Easter. At least it wasn't in hospital this year like last.

I am viewing a few rentals this week. It's daunting and exciting. It could totally crush my social life which is already non existent. I could starve myself to death and nobody would notice. How will I support myself when I'm too caught up in fuelling my dads gambling addiction. He's borrowed $550 in the last week specifically for horse racing! I guess I should face facts. I'm never getting paid back. I'm always going to be tethered to this family. I will never gain my independence.

I still refuse to weigh myself. It's just torment. I know the weight I would of gained would be water weight but it's still soul crushing.

Yup I don't know where this is headed so I'm gonna sign off. Goodnight 

Xxx stay strong xxX

M.I.A

So it is becoming frequent that I am M.I.A -missing in action- The world just gets to be too much I can't handle the demands of life of having to roll out of bed do my hair get dressed shower you know... the simple stuff! The easy stuff. Te stuff that's supposed to be innate and come naturally.

I have been residing at my sisters house the last few days sleeping eating crying repeat. My family is just too full on and in.your.face. My mum is still talking about wanting me to move out rather then say the words she's using a more tactful approach. Slipping it in here and there.

I found my scripts tonight in my art bag so i can continue with my meds. They make me mellow. Which is, good. Its better then the extremes manic or depressed.

I also did the unthinkable i don't know who i shocked more my mum or myself. I bought an exercise bike! I'm an 'over exerciser' so we all know where this is headed but hell I'm so excited to not feel so sluggish and blimpy.

My brother-in-law downloaded a whole heap of movies for me so i can have something to entertain me for a week or two. And inevitably an excuse to stay cooped up in the comfort of my room

Anyway I'm off to watch American Horror Stories and do a little biking

 

i built it all by myself it may have taken 2hrs but at least we know it won't fall apart