Rewards are a positive incentive

Confession 101#: I've never peed in a jar before and I have no intention to anytime soon! I would prefer a pan thankyou!

How did that confession come about? Upon admission the team require a pee sample, for what reason is beyond me but I refuse to pee in a cup I'm scared of getting pee everywhere the warm feeling or worse missing the jar!

Anyway moving on to a less TMI topic of discussion. Today has been a day where I feel torn there's a part of me that wants to get out of here and the equally appealing thought of maybe actually really trying to give recovery a go. I have had eleven admission since july of last year and I'm OVER IT! And the team here even believe I am becoming too 'instituanalised' and a short admission would be best (I hardly see 5 weeks as 'short').

I guess I just have to wait it out give it a few weeks harness the environment and relish in the extra support. And if after 2 or 3 weeks I still see this admission as a bad thing then I can contemplate discharge but between now and then I have to give it my best shot! And hey look at the positives, I'll save money in here :) I really want to recover.... I think.

I have decided that as a reward for sticking out the program and following the direction of the team I will reward myself with a new iPhone 6 Plus and maybe a holiday to see my grandparents in January or February when I feel a bit more stable and on my feet in term's of recovery. Honestly I would love to move there but that might not be viable for some time yet.

I am already finding myself home sick just over 24hrs later whilst everyone here either gets to go home on leave or gets their family come in to visit :( I just want to fast forward five weeks already even two or three even one! Anything until I get some leave would be nice. But this time will be different because I want to get better and stay out! Hospital isn't home!

I am also the biggest person here too by no means am I fat (I know this logically) I am healthy and happy (if I tell myself this enough maybe I will believe it?) its really triggering for me and then I have to fight ED because it makes me think "Well why am I here? I'm not weight restoring" "Why do you have a nasogastric tube?" "Somebody else sicker then you deserves this bed". It's hellish inside my brain at the moment :(.

Lord give me strength

Xx Stay Strong Beautifuls

36 Days

What a marvellous day to be locked up in jail hospital. Not. The air was settled but a storm was brewing inside of me. A storm ready to fight! To fight this demon inside of me! To fight like nobodies business.

I know I'm typing in a positive manner today but honestly I know this won't last I'm going to fight for the next five weeks until my discharge date rolls around (December 4th) 36 days away. Yes I'm counting. And maybe then I will keep fighting. Maybe not. But I know it won't be sustainable for long because I have an even bigger more compelling urge to lose weight. To get skinny and to stay skinny. That is the only thing that will make me happy, or so I think.

I'm contemplating not being compliant so I can just get discharged early or maybe I should challenge my ITO or maybe I will just be the good girl that I am and comply and hope they bring my discharge date forward in case if in the future I do actually need another admission for some unknown reason they might take me back. Something about don't count your eggs before they've hatched?

8.39am was our departure time on the dot. We didn't arrive until about quarter past 10 after I fussed around down stair in the bathroom trying to buy myself a little more freedom. But I couldn't put it off forever so up we went to be shown into a claustrophobic room, a pint sized "visitors room" where I was asked a million questions, given an ecg and had my belongings searched. Then on we went to ward round, a room full of people each a different profession the psychiatrist, the dr, the dietician, social worker, nurse and the list went on plus me and my dad. And the first and only question asked of me "What do you want to gain from this program" head in my hands I refused to answer having a mini meltdown my dad answered for me "She's stuck. There's no in between just off or on". Since then I've barely had a minute to gather my thoughts until now I've had a physical examination, afternoon tea, the reinsertion of the nasogastric tube, an x-ray, and been poked and prodded for a blood test that my veins refused to give up.

I've had enough and I've only been here 6.5hrs I have no idea how I'm going to handle 5 weeks! At least looking on the bright side it's not the 12 weeks I was initially told and I'll be home for christmas

UPDATE: They changed my tube from an 8 to a 12 (so two sizes bigger) and let's just say my head doesn't like it I have a nasty headache. I am going to continue with an oral mealplan of yoghurt/custard/forticreme/breaka's and working my way up to sandwiches on Monday with the NG on overnight feeds running at 40mls p/h. Today I have nailed a breaka and 200mls custard a damn sight better then previous admissions here where I start on the 24/7 NG feeds.

So ready to get out of here already I will give it three weeks before I challenge the ITO I don't want to be here for 5 weeks! -.-'

And we're off

I don't know where to begin I guess the start is the best place.

So the morning was kickstarted at 8.30am with the overnight feed being turned off and a rude awakening of a cold water flush. How refreshing? lol jks. I rolled over and was going to go back to sleep when my mum told me quite clearly "No" so looks like it was time for me to wake up and get up.

9.30am called for my pre arranged yesterday appointment with my psychiatrist. I felt odd and out of place, it was a new building that I had never been too before. So it felt even weirder when upon leaving  I was asked to get a referral to see my psychiatrist apparently my referral had run out which i couldn't understand i had never been to that building before apparently its a general referral which covers any building my psychiatrist works at.

Anyway back to my appointment. We walked out of the elevator and were giving our names to the receptionist when P walked out waving and very chipper so off we went in a foreign building to a foreign consultation room with four foreign chairs, a desk, computer and computer chair. P opened with congrats on the last two weeks at home and then he said what I was dreading hearing "They have a bed available for you... tomorrow" then posed the question do we accept or decline? My mum said she wanted me to do the full program and do a bit of self-discovery and learn about my Anorexia. My dad agreed he thinks I've been doing well but believes I've come to a stand still in my recovery and doesn't know if it's sustainable for much longer I'm either off or on and he thinks I'm bordering off. I think he's right although I hated to admit it. I did. And P agreed that we would be "silly not to take up the offer". He says it's not my decision and its up to him and my careers which put my mind at ease a little. He is a little worried I will go backwards. I know I will i always go backwards before I go forwards.

So the verdict is he's varying my CTO to make me an involuntary inpatient (which means its then up to RMH to leave me on an ITO or CTO when I am eventually discharged). I am being admitted. And I'm not happy, I packed my bags and just wanted to cry it feels like I'm packing up my life. My friend came and visited so she could say good-bye she says she'll visit I don't know that she will but its the thought that counts. My sister also bought my niece over so I could say good-bye. My sister now too is headed to the psych unit tonight to see if she will be admitted for suicidal thoughts. We could be twinsies haha. Although she'd be in St Vincents and I in Royal Melbourne.

A positive is I will have my phone and computer and have access to internet so expect daily updates from me still :)

I'm tired now.

Xx stay strong and positive

                                                       The ring my friend bought me

Feeling let down

Today was appointment day usually I have appointments on Thursday but today aligned with the dietician. Next appointment is next Thursday but the dieticians off so no changes to my meal plan next week.

In the beginning my psychologist said I was going to make her work today as I was one word answers in the end she was happy with me saying I had more clarity and was even finishing her sentences, something I rarely do. 

We spoke about my sister attending eds and how it makes me feel threatened and I wish she'd just google it or better yet ask me. In the end I said I didn't want to care anymore because nothing I say or do is going to change the fact she's going around about me behind my back (she hadn't even asked me or spoken to me about it). She also asked then routine "what have you done this week" question and with pride I answered "I went to trivia night and met a friend despite feeling anxious and self conscious" she was ecstatic to say the least and told me the more I challenge my anxiety the easier it'll get. 

We spoke about if I want to go back to school next year I said I was scared too mostly scared of failure. I told her about my short course (but I assume this was because my parents told her because she knew exactly where to dig in my brain). She also asked me if my "anorexia was making me be sneaky again" it makes me worried that my parents think I am when I'm not...at the moment.

I was dreadingly weighed. Blind weighed as this was her preference. One day soon I'll get the courage to look but for now I'm too fat. She said next week we will try doing it at the beginning of my appointment rather then the end.

I didn't ask her about my CTO I'm thinking I will call my legal aid instead and get her advice. I just called and she couldn't take my call but she will ring back tomorrow. 

Nothing has changed this week my feeds are staying the same which is depressing it means I have made no progress this week :( which means I have even more work to do. I just feel like I'm at a stand still with my recovery I don't feel ready to challenge my anorexia anymore and change up my meal plan. My NG tube can only stay in for another 2.5 weeks and I'm petrified I won't be eating a full meal plan by then.

I have homework this week too to write a letter to my anorexic 'I'm fine' self about what motivates me to keep up with recovery. 

My friend with anorexia who has been in SCU had her hearing today... She's going home without a tube and without a CTO needless to say my mood just plummeted
:( I'm happy for her but I'm disheartened why does she get off Scott free and I'm stuck at home with an NGT on a CTO going nowhere fast?

Anyway I think that's about it until tomorrow 

Xx

UPDATE: 5.30 and my mum got a phone call from my psychologist, needless to say I'm now in a state of panic. My psychologist got a phone call from the specialist unit they want a meeting on Thursday we don't know if this means I will be admitted. I have an appointment now with my consultant psychiatrist tomorrow to discuss if we still want to go down the path of JCU. I don't really want to anymore. I became comfortable with the idea of not going. They've now thrown a spanner in the works. My dad said he thinks I'm teetering and should go and my mum also thinks I should go. I DON'T KNOW :'( I don't want to I'm fat I'm not sick enough (says the girl with a nasogastric tube) AND if I go I have to do the full program which is a minimum 12 weeks otherwise I get sent to SCU I just want to curl up under my blankets and cry. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

Airitarian

So my mum and me aren't really on speaking terms after last nights blue her calling me "selfish" and saying if I had of spoken about "what was troubling me (i.e. my friends unexpected death age 12, our involvement with DHS age 8, my older sisters suicide attempts and blaming them on me age 15) I might not be in the situation I am in now" with my anorexia. The first time she spoke to me was midday (mind you I slept in until 10.30) to ask what I was going to eat for lunch my response "I don't know" my head's response "Nothing, haven't you heard I'm an airitarian" I hate how her life has to revolve around what I'm putting into my body as if having my own preoccupation isn't enough. I just want to be left alone with my Anorexia! I want to be completely alone and more then that I want full control over my body, life and treatment I don't want anymore of this being backed into a corner business. But unfortunately my team can see straight through me and know why I want to contest my CTO and therefore they would probably win so I just have to comply for a little while longer if I can last. I'm still going to ask my team tomorrow about contesting it if my CTO can be changed to IP setting I won't bother it's not worth the risk.

Blaah my heads a wonky mess today so I'm not very coherent forgive me?

Xx stay strong beautifuls

Ima busy bee

Last night was a blast it was full of laughs and good cheer. I even saw a guy there that I might fancy a little :3 . We didn't get home until 1am this morning and the time just flew by. Due to our late coming I didn't get hooked up to the NG feed last night because it was too late and it wouldn't of finished until 2pm and I was meeting a friend today at 12.20 not because I had been a good girl and eaten enough.

Moving on I met a friend today I hadn't seen for 13 months and it was great catching up with her and her antics. After I got over the initial nerves of a) seeing her and b) being late (thanks bus driver). We had a coffee and then bought lunch I went for a safe sushi. She went for a kebab that I could of died for! Maybe next time? That's my goal. It wasn't nearly as awkward as I imagined it would be she did ask what the tube was for which I thought a little silly but I explained it to her anyway and she was so encouraging and supportive.

Then I moved on to the dreaded Swanston centre to visit my Anorexic friend who's sought refuge there (not really she's busting her guts to get out). I vowed never to set foot in those doors again but it was so nice to see her. I wanted to show her that I do care about her, think about her, support her and love her. I hope she got the picture. She seemed happy to see me. 1hr wasn't long enough and 2hrs was too long. But the buses are horrible on a Sunday. I gave her a dream catcher to catch her negative thoughts rather then her bad dreams :). She's got me thinking about courses again dietetics, nursing, patisserie, writing, nail technology? Too.many.choices!!! If I do dietetics I have to move to the sunny coast if I do nursing I have to do the vetassess test (which I did a practice on online SO easy!) I can't find a course on writing except online and I'm not particularly fond of not having a classroom and nail technology I could do anywhere but I'm not sure I want that as a career maybe a hobby?

I'm still toying with the idea of contesting my CTO we will see what tomorrow brings I can't believe I have been sectioned for two years! I want full control of my life again not this you make a wrong step we'll send you to hospital crap. I want to take charge of my life or simply wither away. I haven't quite decided my mood fluctuates between recovery and relapse on an hourly even minute basis. I was thinking about the John Cade unit today I honestly 100% believe to get better I need one more admission there maybe I'm just making things up. Why would I want to get better anyway it only means I'd have my life back and not be preoccupied with ED thoughts 24/7 pfft.

Apparently my sister has an appointment at EDS on thursday to 'learn about anorexia and how to deal with it' I am not impressed she has a psychologist if she can't deal with it she can talk to him about HER inadequacies I have to deal with mine with my team why does she need to interfere with my team? I don't care if it's not about me its about me. My illness. Needless to say me and mum just had a fight about it, she doesn't get my view and thinks I'm being quote "selfish". She better not try to hook me up tonight I'll refuse I'm fuming at her >:<

Bundle of nerves

I thought I'd get in early as I'll probably want to hit the sack when I get home tonight. I have done absolutely nothing today and I'm feeling sluggish and slow. I hate being stagnant. I just become a shell of a human being. It's disturbing how one can sit around for hours doing nothing at all. This is not how I used to be, on the go all the time running from here to there (literally).

Tonight is trivia night at the cricket club and we all have to go and show our support as dad's the president. The thought of eating there has me shitting my dacks lol I am petrified everyone will be staring at me thinking "what a pig look at her eat!". I know they won't but my brain plays horrible tricks on me like this and there's no convincing me otherwise.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be meeting up with a girlfriend I haven't seen her since my birthday...last year! 13months ago! I've gained at least 10kilos since she saw me last and I have a tube in my face which she's never seen before so for a number of reasons I'm a bundle of nerves.

I've been thinking about moving out to have the freedom to eat (or not eat) what I want but its so uneconomical I'm now thinking I might just contest my CTO so I can cease treatment and do what I want that way no one will be able to stop me and in turn I may be happy again. Do I contest it OR work with my team for a few more weeks and have them take down that guard????

I was thinking yesterday I haven't cut in months the temptation is sitting in the forefront of my mind but I still haven't picked up the blade. It just causes so much extra unneeded stress. I used laxatives last night for the first time in a month and man did it feel GOOD!

Dads taxi

Today has been busy from the get go

10 to 10 wake up call to get disconnected from the tube. Not only was the volume decreased but also the amount administered per hour was decreased to 40mls from 70mls.

Queue first stop: the bottle shop

Stop two: the cricket club to stock the fridge ready or tomorrow nights trivia night (I'm already dreading eating around a large crowd maybe I'll wait until I get home but I think it's going to be a late night and not possible :( )

Intermission: scenic drive

Stop three: the mt moriac hotel for lunch the second time we've eaten out in two days but it was just us so was nice. I deviated from my safe chicken parmi and chips (I have no idea why it's 'safe' there are far less calorie meals out there like grilled fish but it's kind of my 'treat') I ordered crumbed cutlets with chips and gravy and a side salad with dressing! And it was delicious then I had dessert! Which was even more appetising it was a maple and walnut cheesecake OMG words can no describe the satisfaction!

Intermission: scenic drive home

Stop four: ray's outdoors to look at tents my parents want to start family camping trips again. They can be... Fun.

Finally home where we squeezed in a siesta before the kidly winks got home. All in all it's been a beautiful day with even more beautiful weather! 

My next stop is target to get new clothes because you guessed it I've gained so much weight nothing fits me anymore. It's so depressing to wake up in the morning and try and squeeze into clothes that fitted you last season. To know I've gained so much is disheartening and gut wrenchingly disturbing. It's moments like these I want to pull the tube out but I won't because I know in the unlikely event that I get readmitted to hospital they won't send me home again with one so I HAVE to comply it's my one safety net.

So now I love you and leave you xx

UPDATE: So I went shopping and bought 2 or 3 (the number escapes me now) pairs of shorts and 2 skirts for a whole $100 so I'm happy...kind of I don't want to fit into them for very long I want to be in my smaller sizes once again...one day. I looked in the floor length mirrors picking apart my body hating every inch of it wanting to cry but my mum was waiting just outside and I don't think she'd quite know what to do with me if she saw that. So silent sobs into the pillow before bed tonight it looks like. Also I'm sick of everyone staring and commenting at my tubed up face (I forget its there until someone draws attention to it) maybe I should walk around with a flashing neon sign above my head saying "I HAVE ANOREXIA" a bit dramatic? I think not.

Another Thursday, Another appointment day.

Another Thursday brings another appointment day.

Today I met with the dietician for the first time in about 6 months I've met her on one occasion this time she's 'part of the team'. I really don't like new people but today was okay. I mostly am not fond of dieticians for the sheer fact I hate openly talking about how little or worse how much I'm eating. But she was quite and didn't even ask me to delve into this topic. Instead when my parents had 'alone time' they told her. Gold star for me I am having my night time feeds decreased because I'm eating one small family meal and one bowl of soup. However apparently the 'goal for the week is to incorporate breakfast' I NEVER AGREED TO THIS DO THEY JUST COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND HOW HARD THIS IS FOR ME BECAUSE I SIMPLY DON'T WANT TO BE A PAIN IN THE ASS AND VOCALISE IT!?!?

My GP appointment was what some would call successful I dodged a bullet again today and am staying out of hospital despite my postural drop again and my quite drastic heart rate increase. She seemed a little worried but simply pleaded with me to drink more. Which I nicely, declined.

I got the conditions to my CTO too which are as follows;
-"Keep up with GP and EDS appointments as directed by the team"
-"Make attempts to eat an oral meal plan moving towards the removal of the Nasogastric Tube"
-"If you pull out or tamper with the Nasogastric Tube and need it reinserted you are to attend to A&E and have it re-sited with the support of family"
All of this to avoid a Swanston Centre admission.

I'm finding today particularly hard for no particular reason so I'm about to dose up on seroquel before I pass out

Xx Keep fighting Bec xX

UPDATE: I spoke to my mum and apparently I don't have to eat breakfast...just yet. But to get rid of the tube I have to be eating 3 meals and 2 snacks and I'm nowhere near this! its left me disheartened but at least I know where I stand...

Geelong Cup

Well this is a late post and much of a nothing post too.

Today was Geelong cup. A big horse racing doo-dah so as a family we sat around watching the races on tv eating crap mucking around like morons and drinking our weight in alcohol.

I'm up to drink number 10 (and I'm not even slightly tipsy my dad on the other hand is a bucket of fun) and for the first time in like...ever, I've been having REAL coke not the diet stuff the full 161 calorie coke and this is like the biggest 'fuck you anorexia' moment I have had in some time. In the beginning my anxiety was inconsolable and now I just don't care I will worry about the repercussions tomorrow at weigh in when my weight is sky high due to my lack of self-control. I can jump back on the band wagon at any given moment I so do choose and this is a comfort in its own.

I've given up now just having a milo before I hit the sack. I'm going to be so dehydrated in the morning. My mum and dad made an executive decision for the second time this week that I don't have to have the tube hooked up over night...because i ate like a fatty :(

Fleeting positivity?

I'm feeling a lot more upbeat today.

My mum is making me eat dinner with the family it sent my head into a spin and then i thought...

I want to get a handle on my life, and not let anorexia dictate me anymore! I want to go back to school I want to move out. But most of all i want to be healthy I want to prove everyone wrong that I can get better that the pro's have it wrong and I'm not a lost cause.

I look at my parents they're both overweight and i am in awe of how they embrace their figures they don't necessarily like it but they live with it. I don't see any issues with their weight so why is it not ok for me to be healthy? It is! this is a ridiculous notion a stupid rule that my head has made up and its time to blow this theory out of the water.

I can't move on with life if I have a tube coming out my nose I need to get a grip! 2015 is going to be my year between now and then i need to start eating a normal oral meal plan i need to be open and honest with my team.

I can and will do this! I've done it in the past I can do it again and if i 'fail' once i will get back up twice. It's the only way to do it. I'm not saying it's going to be easy I know it's not as long as I can maintain my weight I will be happy if i start to gain weight again however i know this will be a huge trigger Step 1: not weighing everyday. I have weighed 3 times since I've been home. A week today. Moving in the right direction...I hope this positivity lasts we all know how erratic i can be.

And the terrible days just keep coming

Another terrible day. These are becoming a regular occurrence and I'm not liking it.

Last night I ate so much I was literally regurgitating my food (involuntarily) thank god it wasn't a full blown puke because I don't think I could handle having the tube come out my mouth, I've done that before it's not pretty and the most uncomfortable thing because then you have to pull it out your nose like a long strand of spaghetti or dental floss :P gross!

I'm not dealing with attempting an oral meal plan my anorexia begs me to go throw up or fast or take laxatives none of which I have given into as of yet. But the temptation is growing as my anorexia hates being challenged and undermined.

I had a good sized lunch yesterday and a mammoth dinner. We went out to tea. Something I always find stressful as I always fear everyone is watching and judging me. But I was determined to eat it all. I ordered my usual; chicken parmigiana and chips with gravy. Far too many calories to count *shudders*. At least my parents had some sense and made an executive decision not to hook the NGT feed up.

And to top it off today I had McDonald's for lunch I thought to hell with it I'm supposed to be recovering I'm going to enjoy my food whilst I can. I'm supposed to be eating dinner with the family tonight but I think I will give in to my anorexia and just have potato and leek soup I need a quite head for once. I just told my mum and she seemed fine with my decision.

I weighed in yesterday. Dumb idea. I gained 4.7kilos granted I had eaten and when I was at the lower weight I was quite drastically dehydrated.

...And then she fell from grace

Today has ruined me.

I can't fit into any of my old clothes and yet I refuse to throw them out as I hanker to be that tiny size again.

I'm having a down day :(

I'm feeling like a fat abomination!

I want to go back to September the month of not eating a morsel and getting skinny even though it might of been torture I could stand my body and now I've just been made fat... again. 

I'm planning my plight and what a tremendous plight it will be!

The professionals have given up on me. My team are the only ones that hold shards of faith. And I refuse to hold faith!

Maybe this time I'll die? I can't continue to live this way! I don't want to!

I want my control back! I want my Anorexia back.

Do I just continue this facade until I have them wrapped around my little finger powerless to take action?

I think so.

This tube is doing my head in!

...and then she fell from grace

Show time

It's show time!

One of my favourite social events of the year despite my crippling social phobia I always make a special effort to attend with my family and some medication on board, this year it was seroquel. I just LOVE watching the kids faces light up. I've only been on it... a week? And I'm not finding it helpful in the slightest but I'm keeping up with taking it hoping that maybe it will just take some perseverance for it to enter into my body and do me any good? I'm tempted to just resort back to taking my lorzepam a sure thing to ease the anxiety but I'm trying to work with my team as I know its an addictive drug even despite my not-very-addictive-nature.

My mum is being amazing at the moment making a special effort to work with me and my Anorexia making me soup especially knowing that it is one of my few safe foods. I am also trying my hardest to challenge my Anorexia and eat other 'forbidden' or 'banned' foods whilst I have the chance. I know that the minute I get this tube out I will be back to my old ways. I even bought a show bag this year! Which is something I didn't do last year for the sheer fact that the very thought made my anxiety peek to an anxiety attack which ended in a cold sweat, shakes, heart pounding, mind racing...you get the picture.

On Monday I'm starting a 4 week taster course online in Nutrition and Dietetics I'm really excited about it as if it is successful I might actually sign up to the full course giving me something else to focus my time on other then the full time job that is my Anorexia.

Anyway I will now leave you with some photos to some up the last few days

All dolled up. This is the first time I have worn make-up in far too long. It used to be the one thing I prided myself with

The view from a-top the ferris wheel. I also went on a ride called the extreme which spun at 160km/h. I'm proud to say I didn't spew lol

The monster trucks and fireworks my favourite two attractions of the night

My feed set-up as we don't have a stand this time round. If the dietician gets one in this week she will give us a call and let us know

My yummy potato and leek soup with a dollop of cream :) feeling blessed.

What a day

I woke up this morning at 9.30 to do a water flush through my NGT and ended up collapsing to the floor in agony I had a splitting headache that saw no justice for the wicked so instead of completing my 100ml flush I only managed 60mls before creeping back to bed with some nurofen on board.

At 3pm I had a GP appointment which went better then my last two appointments where she sent me to A&E. I was so worried about a repeat episode especially when I had a postural drop and my hr increased quite dramatically she said thats early signs of dehydration...again. I swear to god though I.AM.A.CAMEL! I told her to have a little faith in my body I told her nobody does and she responded with "with good reason" blaah. She asked if I had heart palpitations I said no but she's starting to recognise my routine answers and asked "if you did would you tell me?" my response "no".

But that's ok i got a phone call from my psychologist today she asked how I was and as per normal I said I was "fine" which she interprets as "I'm not fine at all" little did she say this though. I have an appointment next thursday at 12 with my psychologist and the dietician. Have I mentioned I hate new people? Well if not I am now. I hate new people. She then proceeded to ring my dad to explain the plan of attack with appointments. Well I opened up to my dad last night telling him I was doing it tough and feeling predominately fat. He quite nicely proceeded to tell my psychologist this and ask for an appointment on Tuesday if she has any cancellations.

I have had an epiphany and figured out that in the short term i must comply and confess my sins and take my pills and nod and agree and blah blah blah so that in the long term future I can be free, to delve into the depths of my Anorexia.

Giving up

I gained 3.2kilos in a week and a half. I'm ashamed of myself. I have no faith left in the medical authorities. I am fat! Even though I know most of that is just hydration I am still left disheartened and disappointed. 

My mind is now racing with how I can get rid of that weight again... Pull the tube out? Water down the feeds? Refuse the feeds? Move out? Abuse laxatives? Exercise for hours on end? A combination of all of the above? Work my ass off to get the tube out and then stop eating again? Wrap my team around my little finger, I think that's the way to go. It's doable it's been done before and I'll do it again. But this time I will get off my CTO and cease all contact with eds.

JC think I'm a worthless cause anyway so why bother when even the professionals have given up on me? I just feel totally worthless and like giving up why help myself when noones willing to give me a chance when I'm working my ass off at recovery or some shit.

So over this eating disorder it has consumed and ruined my life AND it continues to do so. I am powerless. Honestly I just don't care any more.

Coffee and home

'I feel fat'

Fat is not an emotion it's a physical state of being. This I must remind myself. I am not 'fat' I am healthy.

I am surviving off copious amounts of coffee anyone would think I'm addicted. Maybe I am? Drinking upwards of 5 cups a day. Which is a damn sight better for my kidneys then before I came into hospital.

I'm sick of pretending I want recovery of eating to please those around me. Some days I want recovery but more often then not I don't. I'm sick of pretending I'm ok when all I want is for my anorexia to kill me I wish I had of died every time but they ALWAYS intervene and I HATE them for it I HATE THEM :''( and now I have to go through the gruelling torture of pretending to want recovery again I'm sick of telling people what they want to hear! Gaaah I'm going insane.

I'm going home today with the NGT. If I pull it out I have to go to emergency to have it resited. If it comes out numerous times or I refuse the feed I'm being sent to swanno. The referral for jc is going to fall through they don't want me to "rely on them to save the day". And if I continue to not eat lose weight etc they will revisit the idea. My dad wants to sign me up with health insurance so I can go to the private clinic as a plan b. I honestly just want to move the fuck away from here.

But what can I say fresh air never smelt so good and in the car on the way home it was like I was seeing sites I've never seen before. 

The conditions of my CTO I can't recall there was just way too much info for my poor little brain to comprehend but I'll tell you when I get a copy.

Good karma

I got a caramel latte from the cafe last night and it was amazing but a little too sickly. I got 5c change so we donated it to the cafe. Well I just got good karma I'm going home! ...tomorrow arvo or Wednesday morning. My parents have to talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow arvo first to discuss the conditions of my CTO. So fingers crossed.

The dietician is reluctant to send me home due to our failed attempts in the past. She says if I pull the tube out she won't be facilitating a discharge home again. Dad says he thinks I will pull the tube out it's just a matter of time. Thanks for the vote of confidence dad. 

The tube is also only a short term plan with a 6week life span and I've already had it in a week so I have 5weeks left up my sleeve. I think I want to recover I just don't know how I don't remember a life without anorexia. Dads concerned that I will eat to avoid hospital for a period of time and once the referral has been cancelled I will stop again. I'm hoping he's wrong.

Also the wait list is now 2-3months and if I get in or more or less when I get in I have to do the full program which is a minimum of 12weeks! I was going insane after 10! I have no idea how I'll cope. 

I've been literally begging the drs here to give me my prn lorazepam to help me continue with my recovery and attempt to eat to no avail so my mum asked for me today and I'm now being written up for seroquel. I managed 50calories orally yesterday it's not a lot but it's a start I have to start somewhere. And I'm trying! Just wish the wait list wasn't so long as anyone knows anything can happen in that period of time.

The black cloud

Reminiscing

Wondering

Praying 

Imagining

Destined 

I want the old me back. The skinny me. The happy me. The me that could stand to look at herself no matter how vain. The me that didn't have a care in the world. The me that was free. The me that saw no consequences. 

I want that back! Is it too much to ask to be happy again? To like myself again? To not feel so insecure? So open? So invaded? Is that too much to ask??? How am I supposed to live this way forever? I wish I had of died the first, second, third, tenth time! Take me out the back and shoot me like a wounded horse put me out of my misery. 

This is a depressing post but... I AM depressed! 

I HATE this tube with a fiery passion. I HATE that I have no control. I HATE that I am powerless to do anything. I HATE that I'm being made to gain/maintain my weight when all I want is to lose weight. I HATE this all. And I HATE that my actions have consequences, I don't mind the physical ailments, I HATE the threat of going to the swanston centre indefinitely. That is the one thing I won't risk so instead I have to shut up put a smile on my face nod my head say yes take my pills and leave the god damn tube in! It's just becoming a constant battle a battle I fear I'm losing. 

My room mate got discharged today so now I have a little old lady with pneumonia and anemia. She doesn't stop moaning so I hope I get discharged tomorrow. She's been in my room for maybe 30minutes and she's driving my crackers! 

Roughly 7 waking hours until tomorrow... D-day. Bring.it.on.

Homeward bound?

I have a new room mate she's 20 in three weeks so I'm still the baby on the ward. She's in for her type 1 diabetes. She doesn't manage it very well. She even encouraged me to eat today (to no avail) which was nice and a little irritating. She meant well though so I can't complain. 

The registra paid me a visit yesterday saying the wait period to get in to jc has gone from 48hrs to 2 weeks to now 2 months. He says there's a meeting Monday to discuss weather I should go home with the NGT and wait or go to the swanston centre and wait. I'm sure you already know my preference. 

Dad rang me and told me he had spoken to mum and although they're not happy with a 2 month waiting period for jc they don't think I should go to swanno. Provided i don't pull the nasogastric tube out. So going home in the meantime is looking promising. Yippee.

I'm still surviving off coffee and nasogastric tube feeding. I feel like a pathetic waste of time and space. I feel like I'm crying out for attention when I know this is the last thing I want! And as the days go on the urge to pull out the tube/tamper are also becoming increasingly high but I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize so to speak. Trying to avoid the swanston centre at all costs except of course to visit my wonderful friend who has become trapped in its vice again. 

The nurse just woke me up to eat dinner it's a freaking smorgasbord! Chicken alaking orange juice full cream milk milo tiramisu and two fruits needless to say I screwed my nose up at it even though I could die to eat it. My anorexia is so domineering it ravages through my head like a wild fire compelling me not to eat.

So the hunger strike continues... sort of.

Photo Bombing

Yet again it's been a quiet and uneventful day. My mum and dad came up this morning and said hello. And then my brother in law bought my niece up for a visit which has really brightened my day. It gets ever so boring in here. So I thought I would photo bomb you.

                                                 My first coffee a big achievement for me

                       My 'friend' started at 10mls p/h 24/7 now at my target rate of 70 mls p/h 24/7

                                                    Jevity for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner

Boredom with medicine cups

Our bin bags putting a smile on my face

My very exciting view lol jks

Gracing you with my very tired and weary face

Cuddles with my beautiful niece 3weeks on sunday

Yet again enjoying a soy latte

I am still awaiting a bed in JC but for the time being I'm on the medical ward keeping stable, hoping to be home monday of next week with my trusty Nasogastric Tube in situation or at least before the end of the week would be nice.

I'm still having very overpowering thoughts about the nasogastric tube with increasing thoughts about wanting to pull it out. The only thing stopping me is fear of the Swanston Centre. I HATE it. I hate the fact that its keeping me alive. That its prolonging my life. That its keeping me stable. That its ruined all my hard work. That my five week hunger strike has been invaded. I feel like it was all worth nothing that i went through hell and back for nothing!

Stuck

Well nothing interesting has happened today. I'm still stuck in hospital moving nowhere fast. But I guess that's a more positive step then my backwards pedalling in the past. I'm still complying and have every intent to continue to do so. Maybe this time I can recover? I don't know if I truly want to recover or just live in unison with my anorexia whilst trying to compose my life?

My psychiatrist has been unable to get in contact with John Cade which means I'm still no closer to home but at least I am able to stay on the medical ward whilst I'm complying in the meantime. So looks like I will be spending the weekend here :( I really wanted to go home today but all hope was dashed when the dietician said it would take her a day to organise the pump and feeds so then I put my eggs into tomorrow's basket which again hasn't worked out to plan with my psychiatrist being unable to get in contact with JC. I guess I should treat this like a holiday? With the peace away from arguing children day in day out. It's not a very nice holiday but at least it's free.

Apparently if I'm allowed to go home with the NGT it will run over 11hrs instead of 24 and I will be switched over to a more dense formula. Which has me in a state of panic all I can think of is more calories even though I know it works out to be the same amount of calories just administered over a shorter period of time.

I'm still on strict bed rest with toilet privileges only to conserve my energy which sucks but at least my toileting isn't supervised like it has been in the past. 

My psychologist came and visited which was lovely to see although I would of much preferred to see her in outpatients. Hopefully next week. It was a really positive recovery focused session. She thinks that to avoid me getting so sick they need a longer earlier intervention which I hated to agree with even though in my heart of hearts I know she's probably right I'm not invincible like my anorexia leads me to believe. And she reiterated that as long as I don't tamper with the tube I can stay here she also reminded me I am sick and I do deserve this bed hence why I have an NGT. Which my psychiatrist yesterday said was the only thing keeping me alive at the moment, which is scary to think about.

One of my other anorectic friends was admitted to the swanston centre yesterday she really didn't want to go and rightfully so I don't want to go either! I feel so bad for her but I guess I need to focus on myself. 

I've been preoccupying my time watching movies sleeping and crocheting. I lead a very monotone life at the moment. 

I'm even considering applying for an online course in dietetics and nutrition to help pass the time and give me that little bit extra motivation. 

An oral meal plan still hadn't entered through my mouth. They bring in the meal tray and I become physically paralysed from fear! But my team are happy with my progress with the NGT and my compliance with not tampering or pulling the tube out. I'm trying so hard and it's great that it's paying off and everyone can see my perseverance. 

The goss

I had a dream last night that I pulled the NGT out as I couldn't handle the increase and that I was sent to the swanston centre and had another one reinserted. I was so glad (to a degree) that when I woke up it was still in situation. 

So now to get down onto the goss. My psychiatrist came in today which was such a relief although I was feeling nauseated due to anxiety about what he was going to say, whether I was allowed to go home or be sent to the local psych ward. Which is like a locked jail. It's isolating and desolate. It's anxiety provoking and depression evoking. It's just outright a nightmare!

The outcome; he's going to ring JC (specialist unit) today and get back to us tomorrow on how going home in the meantime might jeopardise my place on the waiting list. If I go home it will be with the NGT 24/7, and working towards an oral meal plan. I could go home tomorrow! All depends on jc. And as long as I don't tamper with the tube or try to run away I get to stay on the medical ward! Yippee. Also I now no longer require a CPO :D privacy come at me bro.

The dietician is likely to increase my feeds to my target rate today from 40mls to 70mls! I know that's not much in reality but to me it's heaps!

My psychiatrist believes the NGT is the soul thing keeping me alive at the moment and unfortunately I know this to be true. I guess I just have to keep plodding along.

I hate today

Today has been the hardest yet for a long time.

First the endo team came along and I swear they hate me and think I'm a nuisance taking up one of their precious beds. The way they treat me is so disrespectful and ignorant. They have no sympathy or compassion and really just want to move me along as fast as they can to who knows where. Why can't they treat me with the same respect they would treat someone with a broken leg just because my illness is mental and has some physical components doesn't mean I should be treated in any lesser of a manner to those with a pure physical ailment.

Secondly I met with the dietician which ended with me in tears and even more determined not to eat. She doubled the NGT feed rate to 40mls an hour. Yes I cried over 20mls of jevity. Not to mention I cried over the fact she wouldn't decrease the water flushes which went from 50mls every 4hours yesterday to 200mls every 3hours today. It has completly done my head in. I can't believe I'm crying over spilt milk. It's pathetic but I can't handle it my anorexia is ravaging through my head like a wild fire and I feel completly nauseous.

Thirdly the nurses keep waking me up at some ungodly hour to do water flushes with cold water or boiling water. Um hello I would like to keep my oesophagus in tact! I am human and yes I can feel that!

And lastly my psychiatrist was supposed to come in this afternoon so we could discuss the possibility of being discharged today or tomorrow. Which will have to be tomorrow as it will take the dietician a day to get the NGT feeds ready to be done at home. Well surprise surprise he can't be counted on as he didn't turn up. Which again has me left feeling disheartened at the least. I just want to know if I can go home already I'm bored as fuck and going out of my mind insane!

So now I pray for a better day tomorrow it's all I can do.

Oh and today marks 100posts.

Medically stable

My overnight admission to the medical ward has turned into 5 nights. But I am now considered "medically stable" so I won't be here for much longer except to my utmost dismay (lol jks) the swanston centre is at capacity :D *does a happy dance*

I saw the registra today and had a good chat with him about the possibility of going home with the NGT he has to consult with my psychiatrist but says the team want to treat me in the "least restrictive way" so, I'm hopeful.

I'm trying to keep my fluids up and not tamper with the tube to prove to the hospital staff my team family and friends I am trustworthy and I am giving this 110% my best shot. It seems to be paying off as I haven't had a cpo (constant patient observer) since 1.30 and won't until 3 so 25minutes. I'm enjoying the silence and the privacy. Although they're not all bad it's a bit of company 24/7. My cpo this morning was deaf (literally!) and his batteries had died so my Lordy was I happy when he went home he sucked at making small talk.

I still haven't eaten yet I'm still repulsed by food my anxiety still sky rockets just having it sit next to me untouched. It's tempting but the anorexia demon always wins the battle. The registra does have a way with words though telling me I will gain weight from the NGT I just have to remind myself the dieticians aren't trying to make me fat they're trying to make me healthy.

The dietician came up to see me today and prompted me to eat to no avail and said that the NGT feeds probably need to be increased now. I'm petrified I don't know how I'm going to handle it but, I guess I have to if I want to go home.

Wish me luck xx

Refeeding

Well yesterday was a fun day. The IV fluids finished and overnight they hooked me up to a litre of potassium with 4% glucose which I really wasn't impressed with after being told they wouldn't be giving me any glucose.

I had a shower and somehow the canula was dislodged so they had to try and recanulate me 2 times both were unsuccessful. Then they needed to take blood from me but all my veins were dried up so to no avail they tried both my arm and my feet!

I also had a coffee yesterday which was heaven! I still haven't eaten and now have an NGT running at 10 mls an hour 24/7 because I'm such a high refeeding risk it was put in at about 1pm yesterday but the feeds didn't start until 9pm.

Apparently my blood work has come back today all clear which is a relief. Tomorrow is Monday so my psych team should hopefully be working so I can try to get out of here rather then moved to the swanston centre. And boy if I get out of here I won't be abusing my privilege. There's another girl up here waiting for a bed in swanno so I'm praying they move her first and buy me a bit of extra time.

My friend came up today and bought in some colouring ins and a deck of uno cards to pass the time. It was a really sweet gesture. I also had another friend who's 15years older then me making a pass I me saying he wants to take me to dinner I don't know how to let him down nicely.

I told my nurse I would have a cup of coffee at about 8pm hoping I can hold out.

Medically compromised

So I didn't post yesterday but I thought I'd try to update today.

My parents had a meeting with my team yesterday morning and it was decided that my CTO would be revoked and if I was medically compromised I was to be admitted to emergency. Well I went to my gp appointment and low and behold I was medically compromised my blood pressure went from 130 sitting to 100 standing my hr was 130 I was dehydrated and my kidneys were failing!

I went to A&E in tears begging my parents to take me home becuase I didn't want to go to the swanston centre. The emergency dr wanted to put an IV in to which I refused she called a code grey where they were going to sedate and shackle me. I screamed I begged and I pleaded with her not to in the end I was compliant.

I have since had 3.5liters! And I've just been hooked up again to another liter to run over 8hours. I am also now hypoglycaemic with a BGL of 3.8 and my kidneys are still failing apparently I'm on "deaths door". I think this is an over reaction at the least. I still haven't eaten. And I'm in strict toilet privledges only I also have a cpo (constant patient observer).

The dietician suggested the NGT today at a rate of 10mls p/h 24/7 and at about 6.30pm I finally agreed in the hopes that showing them I'm willing to work with them will get me home sooner. And as it's the weekend now they don't want to make any "rash decisions" so we have to wait to talk to the on call doctor tomorrow.

I'm to stay on the medical ward over the weekend which is a relife. I'm hoping I can go home with the NGT rather then an admission to the swanston centre whilst we await a bed at John Cade.

Oh the joys. I'm dying for a coffee!

The battle

Everyone's evil. I hate everyone. They're all out to get me.

They're just trying to help. You've been saying you know you need it. Accept it, this may be your last good opportunity!

This ^ is the war raging inside my head the Anorexia VS Me. I want to go into my gp appointment tomorrow and be open and honest rather then my same old monotone monologue "I'm happy, I'm fine, I'm ok, I don't want help" I want to scream from the rooftops "I WANT HELP! I NEED HELP NOW! TAKE CONTROL." But the thing is I know she is powerless in her domain to do anything that could truly help me and put me out of my misery. I go to bed at night praying I won't wake up in the morning so this torture can be over. Shoot me like a wounded horse. I want to breakdown and show my 'true colours' rather then being this unemotional twat with a few drops that fall here and then. I'm like a sponge. All dried up.

I heard the EDS unit manager on the phone to my dad earlier today saying there could be a two week wait to get into the John Cade Unit. I am honestly petrified I won't make it another two weeks. I don't even leave the house anymore for fear of having a heart attack and dying. All I do is lye on the couch all day avoiding to move so I don't have to put up with the regular fainting episodes. This isn't a life it's an existence. And whats more is I HATE IT with a fiery passion.

How do I voice my true feelings? When I get in there my Anorexia takes charge and steers the ship, it won't backdown without a fight with anyone who stands in it's way and it's goals in life. Which are ultimately to kill me. I want control I'm sick of my life being dictated by some fictional voice inside my head! So tomorrow I will try as I do every week to be open and honest whether I scream or cry I want to do this I need to voice how I'm truly feeling.

Let's see how this works out for me.