36 Days

What a marvellous day to be locked up in jail hospital. Not. The air was settled but a storm was brewing inside of me. A storm ready to fight! To fight this demon inside of me! To fight like nobodies business.

I know I'm typing in a positive manner today but honestly I know this won't last I'm going to fight for the next five weeks until my discharge date rolls around (December 4th) 36 days away. Yes I'm counting. And maybe then I will keep fighting. Maybe not. But I know it won't be sustainable for long because I have an even bigger more compelling urge to lose weight. To get skinny and to stay skinny. That is the only thing that will make me happy, or so I think.

I'm contemplating not being compliant so I can just get discharged early or maybe I should challenge my ITO or maybe I will just be the good girl that I am and comply and hope they bring my discharge date forward in case if in the future I do actually need another admission for some unknown reason they might take me back. Something about don't count your eggs before they've hatched?

8.39am was our departure time on the dot. We didn't arrive until about quarter past 10 after I fussed around down stair in the bathroom trying to buy myself a little more freedom. But I couldn't put it off forever so up we went to be shown into a claustrophobic room, a pint sized "visitors room" where I was asked a million questions, given an ecg and had my belongings searched. Then on we went to ward round, a room full of people each a different profession the psychiatrist, the dr, the dietician, social worker, nurse and the list went on plus me and my dad. And the first and only question asked of me "What do you want to gain from this program" head in my hands I refused to answer having a mini meltdown my dad answered for me "She's stuck. There's no in between just off or on". Since then I've barely had a minute to gather my thoughts until now I've had a physical examination, afternoon tea, the reinsertion of the nasogastric tube, an x-ray, and been poked and prodded for a blood test that my veins refused to give up.

I've had enough and I've only been here 6.5hrs I have no idea how I'm going to handle 5 weeks! At least looking on the bright side it's not the 12 weeks I was initially told and I'll be home for christmas

UPDATE: They changed my tube from an 8 to a 12 (so two sizes bigger) and let's just say my head doesn't like it I have a nasty headache. I am going to continue with an oral mealplan of yoghurt/custard/forticreme/breaka's and working my way up to sandwiches on Monday with the NG on overnight feeds running at 40mls p/h. Today I have nailed a breaka and 200mls custard a damn sight better then previous admissions here where I start on the 24/7 NG feeds.

So ready to get out of here already I will give it three weeks before I challenge the ITO I don't want to be here for 5 weeks! -.-'