Rewards are a positive incentive

Confession 101#: I've never peed in a jar before and I have no intention to anytime soon! I would prefer a pan thankyou!

How did that confession come about? Upon admission the team require a pee sample, for what reason is beyond me but I refuse to pee in a cup I'm scared of getting pee everywhere the warm feeling or worse missing the jar!

Anyway moving on to a less TMI topic of discussion. Today has been a day where I feel torn there's a part of me that wants to get out of here and the equally appealing thought of maybe actually really trying to give recovery a go. I have had eleven admission since july of last year and I'm OVER IT! And the team here even believe I am becoming too 'instituanalised' and a short admission would be best (I hardly see 5 weeks as 'short').

I guess I just have to wait it out give it a few weeks harness the environment and relish in the extra support. And if after 2 or 3 weeks I still see this admission as a bad thing then I can contemplate discharge but between now and then I have to give it my best shot! And hey look at the positives, I'll save money in here :) I really want to recover.... I think.

I have decided that as a reward for sticking out the program and following the direction of the team I will reward myself with a new iPhone 6 Plus and maybe a holiday to see my grandparents in January or February when I feel a bit more stable and on my feet in term's of recovery. Honestly I would love to move there but that might not be viable for some time yet.

I am already finding myself home sick just over 24hrs later whilst everyone here either gets to go home on leave or gets their family come in to visit :( I just want to fast forward five weeks already even two or three even one! Anything until I get some leave would be nice. But this time will be different because I want to get better and stay out! Hospital isn't home!

I am also the biggest person here too by no means am I fat (I know this logically) I am healthy and happy (if I tell myself this enough maybe I will believe it?) its really triggering for me and then I have to fight ED because it makes me think "Well why am I here? I'm not weight restoring" "Why do you have a nasogastric tube?" "Somebody else sicker then you deserves this bed". It's hellish inside my brain at the moment :(.

Lord give me strength

Xx Stay Strong Beautifuls