Coffee and home

'I feel fat'

Fat is not an emotion it's a physical state of being. This I must remind myself. I am not 'fat' I am healthy.

I am surviving off copious amounts of coffee anyone would think I'm addicted. Maybe I am? Drinking upwards of 5 cups a day. Which is a damn sight better for my kidneys then before I came into hospital.

I'm sick of pretending I want recovery of eating to please those around me. Some days I want recovery but more often then not I don't. I'm sick of pretending I'm ok when all I want is for my anorexia to kill me I wish I had of died every time but they ALWAYS intervene and I HATE them for it I HATE THEM :''( and now I have to go through the gruelling torture of pretending to want recovery again I'm sick of telling people what they want to hear! Gaaah I'm going insane.

I'm going home today with the NGT. If I pull it out I have to go to emergency to have it resited. If it comes out numerous times or I refuse the feed I'm being sent to swanno. The referral for jc is going to fall through they don't want me to "rely on them to save the day". And if I continue to not eat lose weight etc they will revisit the idea. My dad wants to sign me up with health insurance so I can go to the private clinic as a plan b. I honestly just want to move the fuck away from here.

But what can I say fresh air never smelt so good and in the car on the way home it was like I was seeing sites I've never seen before. 

The conditions of my CTO I can't recall there was just way too much info for my poor little brain to comprehend but I'll tell you when I get a copy.