The battle

Everyone's evil. I hate everyone. They're all out to get me.

They're just trying to help. You've been saying you know you need it. Accept it, this may be your last good opportunity!

This ^ is the war raging inside my head the Anorexia VS Me. I want to go into my gp appointment tomorrow and be open and honest rather then my same old monotone monologue "I'm happy, I'm fine, I'm ok, I don't want help" I want to scream from the rooftops "I WANT HELP! I NEED HELP NOW! TAKE CONTROL." But the thing is I know she is powerless in her domain to do anything that could truly help me and put me out of my misery. I go to bed at night praying I won't wake up in the morning so this torture can be over. Shoot me like a wounded horse. I want to breakdown and show my 'true colours' rather then being this unemotional twat with a few drops that fall here and then. I'm like a sponge. All dried up.

I heard the EDS unit manager on the phone to my dad earlier today saying there could be a two week wait to get into the John Cade Unit. I am honestly petrified I won't make it another two weeks. I don't even leave the house anymore for fear of having a heart attack and dying. All I do is lye on the couch all day avoiding to move so I don't have to put up with the regular fainting episodes. This isn't a life it's an existence. And whats more is I HATE IT with a fiery passion.

How do I voice my true feelings? When I get in there my Anorexia takes charge and steers the ship, it won't backdown without a fight with anyone who stands in it's way and it's goals in life. Which are ultimately to kill me. I want control I'm sick of my life being dictated by some fictional voice inside my head! So tomorrow I will try as I do every week to be open and honest whether I scream or cry I want to do this I need to voice how I'm truly feeling.

Let's see how this works out for me.