Feeling let down

Today was appointment day usually I have appointments on Thursday but today aligned with the dietician. Next appointment is next Thursday but the dieticians off so no changes to my meal plan next week.

In the beginning my psychologist said I was going to make her work today as I was one word answers in the end she was happy with me saying I had more clarity and was even finishing her sentences, something I rarely do. 

We spoke about my sister attending eds and how it makes me feel threatened and I wish she'd just google it or better yet ask me. In the end I said I didn't want to care anymore because nothing I say or do is going to change the fact she's going around about me behind my back (she hadn't even asked me or spoken to me about it). She also asked then routine "what have you done this week" question and with pride I answered "I went to trivia night and met a friend despite feeling anxious and self conscious" she was ecstatic to say the least and told me the more I challenge my anxiety the easier it'll get. 

We spoke about if I want to go back to school next year I said I was scared too mostly scared of failure. I told her about my short course (but I assume this was because my parents told her because she knew exactly where to dig in my brain). She also asked me if my "anorexia was making me be sneaky again" it makes me worried that my parents think I am when I'm not...at the moment.

I was dreadingly weighed. Blind weighed as this was her preference. One day soon I'll get the courage to look but for now I'm too fat. She said next week we will try doing it at the beginning of my appointment rather then the end.

I didn't ask her about my CTO I'm thinking I will call my legal aid instead and get her advice. I just called and she couldn't take my call but she will ring back tomorrow. 

Nothing has changed this week my feeds are staying the same which is depressing it means I have made no progress this week :( which means I have even more work to do. I just feel like I'm at a stand still with my recovery I don't feel ready to challenge my anorexia anymore and change up my meal plan. My NG tube can only stay in for another 2.5 weeks and I'm petrified I won't be eating a full meal plan by then.

I have homework this week too to write a letter to my anorexic 'I'm fine' self about what motivates me to keep up with recovery. 

My friend with anorexia who has been in SCU had her hearing today... She's going home without a tube and without a CTO needless to say my mood just plummeted
:( I'm happy for her but I'm disheartened why does she get off Scott free and I'm stuck at home with an NGT on a CTO going nowhere fast?

Anyway I think that's about it until tomorrow 

Xx

UPDATE: 5.30 and my mum got a phone call from my psychologist, needless to say I'm now in a state of panic. My psychologist got a phone call from the specialist unit they want a meeting on Thursday we don't know if this means I will be admitted. I have an appointment now with my consultant psychiatrist tomorrow to discuss if we still want to go down the path of JCU. I don't really want to anymore. I became comfortable with the idea of not going. They've now thrown a spanner in the works. My dad said he thinks I'm teetering and should go and my mum also thinks I should go. I DON'T KNOW :'( I don't want to I'm fat I'm not sick enough (says the girl with a nasogastric tube) AND if I go I have to do the full program which is a minimum 12 weeks otherwise I get sent to SCU I just want to curl up under my blankets and cry. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!