Giving up

I gained 3.2kilos in a week and a half. I'm ashamed of myself. I have no faith left in the medical authorities. I am fat! Even though I know most of that is just hydration I am still left disheartened and disappointed. 

My mind is now racing with how I can get rid of that weight again... Pull the tube out? Water down the feeds? Refuse the feeds? Move out? Abuse laxatives? Exercise for hours on end? A combination of all of the above? Work my ass off to get the tube out and then stop eating again? Wrap my team around my little finger, I think that's the way to go. It's doable it's been done before and I'll do it again. But this time I will get off my CTO and cease all contact with eds.

JC think I'm a worthless cause anyway so why bother when even the professionals have given up on me? I just feel totally worthless and like giving up why help myself when noones willing to give me a chance when I'm working my ass off at recovery or some shit.

So over this eating disorder it has consumed and ruined my life AND it continues to do so. I am powerless. Honestly I just don't care any more.