Happy Days

The illumines ward round dawned on me today. It was supposed to be a good ward round as I didn't have to go in. Then the nurse came out put a spin on things and said that the team wanted to speak to me. Anxiety rose to the temperature of boiling water it overflowed and I couldn't stop myself from wriggling my legs the whole time, but not all was bad in actual fact it was a good outcome! They overturned my section because they knew they were going to lose at the hearing on Wednesday. I get a 15 minute unsupervised break downstairs (banana chai come at me bro) I'm allowed to do take-away tonight but I REALLY don't want to because it's a waste of money and the meals end up being ten times bigger then a normal hospital hot meal and I don't think I could handle the anxiety although the team seem to think it will be beneficial I think not its a forbidden food.

So I had my 15 minutes (shhh it was 20 minutes) downstairs. The other patient I went down with had a smoke offered me one which I as the good girl I am ;) declined. Instead I settled for a banana chai latte and man was it amazing it was mind blowing how much I enjoyed it! I was actually able to drink the whole thing and I still felt incredible levels of guilt BUT I survived! Another lesson that food/beverages won't actually kill me like my eating disorder tells me it will evidence that ED is a liar. I just hope it gets easier.

I'm still planning on returning to my Anorexia when I get out of here (discharge date has stayed at December 4th). My parents are worried I will discharge myself early and they are quite possibly correct I don't know if I will be discharged on a CTO but I can hope not I will ask at ward round on monday what the go is. But honestly its not going to matter if I stay here two weeks (two weeks today) or five weeks my mentality isn't changing and to recover from anorexia that is what has to change eating isn't the be all and end all of recovery it is majoritvley about mentality.

I have decided to challenge myself and have takeaway its Thai night... I've NEVER eaten thai so I'm in a pickle I looked at the menu and had a mini breakdown but I settled for Patt thai with no chilli. Dinner just finished and surprise surprise I'm still breathing and my heart still beating. But, it was a let down it was bland and boring no colour and no flavour and just a whole big anxiety provoking event. After dinner my anxiety is now sky high and I don't feel like I can eat again it's a vicious cycle maybe I should just discharge myself. Jesus I've been off the section less then 24hrs and shit's already about to hit the fan.

There's a girl here that I've really clicked with she was admitted with a BMI of 12 she looks deathly sick skeletal sick. How is this of any relevance well on my first admission I was admitted with a BMI of 12 and I swear to god I did NOT look anywhere near as sick as she looks! But maybe thats just my distorted view (it probably is) but it's scary and such a wake up call!