Take me out the back and shoot me

The nurse D came in for a D'n'M she told me I need to find motivation within myself for myself rather then just wanting to always please my family. She told me I was admitted because I wasn't coping wasn't able to move forward with my eating and wasn't able to handle the eating disorder cognition and would sporadically stop eating and drinking. Tick tick tick all 100% correct. She says my vitals are also a cause for concern as my heart rate is so out of whack.

Talking about that I had to meet with the registra again today as my heart rate topped at 141 again. The nurses are astoundingly worried beyond belief. He's not too worried he thinks I have something called postural tachycardia syndrome which is apparently only newly founded and complicated by my ed and dehydration. He spoke to the cardiologists which are going to come and see me but there is only one specialist in Melbourne. 

Meal times have been tremendously hard today as two girls are on leave one is on bed rest and not eating and the other has been moved to neuro psych for apparently encouraging people to leave the ward (which she hasn't if anything she's trying to keep us here) so it's just me! And I hate it! It makes me cringe. 

I'm thinking of going on strike tomorrow not getting out of bed not taking my meds and not eating or drinking my mind just can't handle these thoughts anymore! But I know it will only put me back so I have to keep pushing through until I get discharged.