Rebelling

Ward round was this morning (in case you've forgotten it's where we meet with the team and discuss our progress and ask for things we want like breaks) we are meant to fill in a 'ward round sheet' which states everything but today I rebelled against this and refused to hand in a sheet instead I ballsied up and faced the team and said what I wanted...Kind of. I told them I don't want to be here but I'm prepared to fight for recovery I asked for breaks downstairs and was declined which SUCKED! I got absolutely nothing except for a meal increase which I'm happy about and dreading all at once it's a step forward I suppose. All in all ward round sucked I still feel totally incompetent. So I've made an executive decision I'm going to appeal my section I don't know if I win if I will stay I don't even know if I will submit it but the thought is putting me at ease. 5 weeks is just far too long in my opinion and they call it 'short' they're delirious. 

This morning we had our obs done as we do every 4 hours and my heart rate sitting was 130bpm and standing got up to 150bpm so they had to call the doctor which was pointless he didn't tell me anything new "Your heart rates high, which could be normal for you and your blood pressure is high too" nothing I was too worried about. But as my heart is playing funny buggers they have added water to all my meals which disappoints me to the max.

We had open art group today (as its 'open' its a choice group unlike tomorrow where its compulsory) and I started to make a dream catcher and my own beads I am really happy with it which is a first for me to say about my art work for the first time in a long time. I will post pictures tomorrow when its finished.

I'm still waiting to meet with the dietician to discuss my meal increase I am dreading it but I know it has to happen to get out of here. 

I'm feeling a little bit more upbeat this afternoon after spending a good hour in the art room detoxing all the negativity I was housing so I will put off submitting my application for revocation. Until tomorrow at least.

Last night I bawled my eyes out in my room and a nurse found me crying in hysterics she was really soothing which I would never of expected from her she told me not to hold it in anymore and just feel the feelings basically she then gave me 5mg diazepam to calm me down (and put me to sleep) I guess feeling the feelings this morning in ward round didn't work...

UPDATE: I just met with the dietician and she agreed I can go to the full meal plan and no NGT feed woopie! This is going to be so hard but I can do it... I hope. At least until I go home and get discharged off the section anyway. I CAN DO THIS! Honestly I'm shitting myself.