I forgot what this place was like I honestly thought it would be better then the Swanston centre if my memory served me correctly its a specialist unit for christ's sake, but it seems I was disillusioned the nurses push you to eat and if you don't your "childish" and need to "grow up" my eating disorder is disregarded and disbelieved and put down to teenage "rebellion"
I get made to feel even more worthless more like my illness doesn't exist like I am not cared for like my problems are pity and non existent. This is just a waste of five weeks of the teams, my parents, my friends and my time! I'm planning my fall from grace the minute I leave this place. Nobody here cares about me really it's their job to make our meals and supervise what your eating and document it but meal support is non existent we get drugged up and that's supposed to be enough. It's not fixing anything or helping us work through and deal with the underlying causes for our eating disorders.
We are put on the back burner a burden on society and the unit. At least they get paid to do nothing for us mentally. So much for a mental health unit. The structure of the program is in dire need of reconsideration otherwise we're all just going to continue this cycle and continue to be 'Institutionalised' BECAUSE LETS FACE IT THEY'RE NOT HELPING!!!
I appealed my section yesterday and was given a hearing date today for next wednesday I'm now reconsidering it maybe I should just stick this shit hole out. I guess the tribunal will make the decision that they believe is in my best interest they are the one part of this system I haven't lost all hope in. I kind of want to stick the program out prove to everyone I'm not a waste of time and space even if that means I have to come back later down the track hopefully this time I can just have a restricted diet rather then a starvation diet? Oh who cares... I sure don't.
Here's a song I feel I really relate to today I hope you find it as relatable as me (I have just copied out the words I relate to most but the video link is below). Another positive is a) I don't have to have the injection as long as I'm eating 100% by thursday and b) I got a goodies parcel from my friend which included fun little things to pass the time.
Xx stay strong beautifuls
"How did I get myself into all of this mess?
How did I end up with this deadly home address?
How did I come to this, where every song I sing
Is nothing but a list of pain and suffering?
...
We fought hard not to die, yet we don’t know how to live
How do we change our world to what we want it to be?
How do we move beyond all of this misery?
One foot in front of the other foot
In front of the one foot in front of the other foot
I’ve been in chains since I was nothing but a kid
We don’t know freedom, not quite sure that we ever did
Now that we have it, how will we make use of it?
We’ve been committed — now to what do we all commit?
I used to have a home, now I don’t even have a name
I’m nothing but a number, here we are all the same
We’ve lost so much, so many of those we love are dead
How do I get these memories out of my fucking head?
...
How do we bear this burden, far too much to carry?
How do we change our prison to a sanctuary?
We’ve been kept from the light, no one ever gave a damn
If I’ve no one to fight, how do I know who I am?
...
...
But just because we live does not mean that we’re alive
We’ve won the final round, but how to enjoy the win
When we’ve been broken down and we’ll never know what could have been
Heaven help us, where do we begin?" -Emilie Autumn
I've also been listening to Anna Graceman- 'words' and 'time machine'
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