Head VS Heart

So as the title states I'm facing a lot of internal conflict. My heart says to stay and my head tells me to go. I know what my Eating Disorder wants me to do more or less compels me to do but I don't actually know what my real self wants me to do. I wish I had a magic wand to take it all away something to reverse time and stop me ever getting Anorexia but I guess you have to learn to deal with the cards your dealt.

We had family therapy this morning which I can't really elaborate on because i zoned out for the majority staring out the window, playing with my bracelets, tapping my nails anything really to distract myself and detach myself from reality. 

Then came meal support with my family which involved having a meal together and supporting one another. It ended in an argument or as much of our arguments as they come in my family a 'heated discussion' I voiced my desire to go home, they voiced their's that they didn't want me home yet and want me to stick out the program or I will be sent to the Swanston centre. A no go zone for me. 

So now I'm at a loss. I spoke to the reg on call and he said if i discharge today it will be against medical advice so wait it out until tomorrow then ask the team. I don't see the point they're only going to say no anyhow. So now to wait it out it's only two weeks anyway but two weeks in here feels like a lifetime. I'm just wasting time and resources here we're waiting for december 4th so i can go back to my old habits. What's the saying? "old habits never die young" 

My sister is going to the mother baby psych unit on Friday I'm happy she's going to be getting the support she needs but i miss my niece I want nothing more then to cuddle her and kiss her and tell her I love her more then words can say. But now I have to wait until I get discharged she's going to be all big and grown up :(

Also met with the dr again because he had spoken to the cardiology team apparently they want an ecocardiogram done to make sure there is no structural damage to my heart which he believe will come back fine (so do i) it has also been suggested that i increase my salt intake. Did I mention I HATE salt! But it's only one sachet. I don't think it will do anything. Apparently its not good to have your hr reach 154 lol and if the salt and water I've been made to have don't help it is possible I will be put on medication.