hearty conversation

So I've been a bit sack at posting never mind my diaries suffering from neglect too. Yesterday was ward round I was told if I refuse to eat I will be put on neuro psych side which is pointless and only achieves seclusion and isolation from the majority of sane people (yes i consider these people sane) so, I'm eating.

I asked to be discharged and was told if I do so it will be against medical advice so I'm fucked and have to stay here or I get transferred to the Swanston centre both of which are options I don't want to consider.

Today has been profoundly distressing I woke up and found out my room was being moved which i felt uncomfortable with. I found someone drank my chai tea that i paid for I mean not a little bit but like the whole lot! Then i spoke to my dad who was supposed to visit tonight and he's not because he stayed up until 3am. I also found out my little sister collapsed last night (she has diabeties she's ok now though but it was scary to think of). and then the icing on the cake was a nurse telling me "maybe it's not your time, maybe you should discharge yourself" so now I'm having conflicting thoughts. I want to go home but i want to be discharged with medical consent.

Yesterday I ended up having an ECG because my hr reached a climax of 154 met call criteria 150. So that was a little scary but I wasn't fussed too much I wish they would just get to the bottom of my heart crisis a cardiologist was supposed to come up last night or today but seems as though it will still remain a medical mystery.

I had take-away again tonight and the menu was italian BIG HUGE fear food right there guys! We also got a new patient come in today which I am very reserved about and was a bitch to at dinner not intentionally and definitely out of character for me. But hopefully I will be out of here soon so I don't have to deal with her shit. She's a 'crazy' 

I'm highly contemplating going home tomorrow when my family come up I just can't deal with these feelings and thoughts of 'I'm fat' 'I don't deserve help' 'I don't deserve food' 'I deserve to die' 'I deserve to suffer' 'I'm losing control' 'I'm not going to be able to stop eating' I really just want to go home so I can restrict and have my body shut down on me again and hopefully this time actually die from it. But I'm not going home if that mens swanston centre so we have to talk to the team tomorrow please give consent!

Oh and just to complete what a wonderful day my great uncle died we weren't close but i'm not going to be a cold hearted bitch and say it doesn't effect me because it does.