Another boring day in John Cade we have progressed forward to turning our nurses into cleaners. Yes I did just say cleaners. My morning contact nurse was so bored she decided to clean my computer its now white again yay it kept her busy for 30 minutes and I ended up with a happy product at the end.
Other then that it's been a quiet non eventful kind of day. Some of the girls here have been going to court the last few days over legal issues (obviously) and thankfully all went well for them in particular one girl whose studying law and had her suing overturned she just has to write apology letters and be a good girl. Which I was happy for her about all those years studying not gone to waste over a silly little issue.
Last night I was finding it particularly hard I was thinking about discharging myself today (this is what being taken off a section does to me) packing my stuff and just walking out proving to them all I'm not ready for change but, I want to go back to school so I have to be ready for change no ifs or buts. Although my Anorexia wants nothing more then for me to sink my teeth into it yet again no matter what ambitions I have in mind. Anorexia is more powerful and dominating then any other thought I poses. It doesn't discriminate and reminds me how manic and good at school i was when i was at my sickest it tells me I'm invincible and can do anything... with its help of course.
As the day progresses the Anorexic thoughts intensify and reach a crescendo inside my brain a berating drill sergeant that's words reverberate inside the empty walls of my mind for just one second I would like to not have a preoccupation with anorexia, food I'm eating (or not eating), drinks I'm drinking (or not drinking), exercise I should be doing, restricting I should be doing etc etc etc. I'm just plain over it.
It's no longer about image, perfectionism, stubbornness, power or rebellion. It's about death
UPDATE: It's amazing how the small things make the greatest of difference to my mind set I've been focusing on school next year as I've been accepted to do my year 12 although it has my brain in a frazzel about what courses I do. Well I just got even better news! How? our swedish friend offered me to come back with her next year for an exchange program I am still very keen I have 1.5months to prove I'm ready. This is the best incentive I'm just waiting to hear my dads opinion before I go ahead and try to organise it...again.
No comments:
Post a Comment