And cockle shells
All in a pretty row
Isn't it funny that being told your being sent back to prison the unit is enough to push you one way or the other, propel you into recovery or plummet you into a full blown relapse I chose the latter although I would sparsely use the word "chose" it's an innate behaviour and thought process lost in translation.
139hrs (day 6) since I last ate.
(4.00)
Morning BMI 18.7 finally at my discharge weight. Goal before admission 16-16.3 (my weight usually drops by the afternoon when I weigh again after my bath 8ish for the second time)
I have the shakes the dizzies I'm cold and lethargic.
Just collapsed for the second time my 5 yr old brother saw! He just thinks I fell...and again for a third hitting my head on the wall :/
Made the kids breakfast and tried to make myself have ensure (didn't happen) and unpacked half the dishwasher before I was exhausted and had to lie down again.
I had horrible dreams last night reliving my friends death and funeral from 5 years ago and although she was dead she was sitting up waving blinking BREATHING! All the stuff that living people do! And then I was dreaming (or should I say having a nightmare) about going back to prison hospital and dreaming about all the foods I could cram into my mouth except with one fault- I can't. I wish I could get ONE full good nights sleep in *sighs*.
So I've been enjoying my walks fresh air and anorexias fleeting silence. But it is so exhausting when you haven't eaten for as long as I have and are so dehydrated you could pass as a cactus. My anorexia has devised a new plan of attack I can go for my walks which I think my heart is going to give way too and have a can of Pepsi max as a reward OR I can stay home and survive off water. How long do you think I could survive purely off water?
You know how I said I was having half a cup of Pepsi max yesterday? I managed a sip BUT I managed 300mls today :)
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