He called me sick and I begged him not to associate me with that word so we agreed on rather then sick "feeling crap" it didn't really fit the profile but it was a better word then sick. I'm not an invalid and I'm not dying therefore I am not sick. He told me he advised my GP to no longer see me when she asked for his guidance as I don't take her advice ie.iron infusion, which isn't entirely true I did inform him I took her advice and made a trip to the ER (pointless nevertheless but I went against my better judgment). He told me she's too kind and he doesn't think she'll stop but he does think she needs to have a firmer grip on my treatment. We also changed my meds I'm now on a pretty half purple half turquoise capsual; fluoxetine, instead of mirtazapine as I stopped taking my night meds (long story short my head yells me my body won't metabolise it the same and I'll get fat) and my "anxiety is significantly elavated". It's a morning med and it's not proven to have any weight effects so at the moment I've deemed it safe.
I'm still not sleeping a measly 4hrs sleep a night tops. It's probably a combination of things anxiety, lack of food, dehydration, and working myself too much (in accordance with everyone else's beliefs). I do amazing things in my greatest times of insomnia.
It was sprung on me today my dearest grandmother is coming down tomorrow until Monday. Cue panic. She's a big one for physique she's not petitley built and she loves her tucker and watching others eat. She finds it her duty to feed people and watch their weight and worst of all comment. I've lost over 15 kilos (33lbs) since I saw her in MARCH! I'm not overweight I was healthy I am healthy but to anyone who hasn't seen you for a while an amount like that is sure to be noticeable. Yup I'm in for a mouthful ugh. But I do dearly miss her she has the best intentions she's the kindest soul I love her to bits despite the fact she drives me nuts! When she rang tonight she told me how she misses having me at the house it filled me with such sadness I truly loved living there the fresh start, the school, the climate, my family, the space, the dogs but my school was mile's away, I didn't have any friends near by, I lived with elderly people, I didn't have the right supports and I missed my parents even though they hate me (and that is no exaggeration of the truth). I suppose it just wasn't the right time I wasn't strong enough. Maybe I'm destined for this shitty soul sucking city?
I saw my case manager/psychologist today and in CAT therapy we draw a diagram of where patterns play into one another the centre is "Eating Disorder" she crossed it out and remarked "How does that make you feel to not have an eating disorder? I think it's BPD with a tendency to not eat" I was like "What! Come again?" I nodded and said "It's fine if that's what it is that's what it is" I shut down after that and she could feel the tension in the room thank god it turned out to be the end of the session although I could tell she wanted to delve deeper. She generally forgets to organise next week's appt so I do the honours of reminding her. I didn't today. She turned to me and said "Sit. I'm a goldfish I forget this every week! How's next Friday?" I smiled nervously and told her it was fine so she booked it and as I was about to run for the nearest emergency exit she said "Why do I feel like your not going to come back? Maybe I pushed you too hard today? If you don't agree with that we can change it, it was just a thought you know me I have a lot of thoughts" ha yeah right like that I just choose not to eat like it's fun and a barrel of laughs to feel like your physically and emotionally dying everyday and to see the damage your doing to everyone else and how the notion of living fills you with more fear then the idea of dying.
Time for some good (perhaps?) news again? I have a coffee date next Saturday. I say date as date because I don't know what it is, Coffee? Two people rekindling after 8 years of no contact sheesh I haven't spoken to him since I was 12! I'm nearly 20! Or a...date? I did like him but I was a little kid back then he still makes my heart skip a beat but we've grown up we've grown into young adults we have new hobbies friends and lives! Do I still like him? We know nothing about each other now to be honest it'll be like to strangers meeting for the first time. I guess time will tell. I'm still shocked he wants to catch up with me. ME!!!
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