I can't remember what I said in my last post it feels like an eternity ago since I wrote. Perhaps that's because the last entry was an accumulation of about 4days worth of effort to write something substantial.
Tomorrow is yet another 4weeks past since my last appt with the psychiatrist it makes me shudder just to think of it. My energy is drained I can't help but lose all sense of empathy. I hope he's as exhausted as I am and just doesn't say anything that'll hit a nerve because I don't have the patience I'm paying the money you ask the questions and I'll try to summon the energy to respond more then a head gesture. 10am bright and early in the prime of my day haha that's I'm funny.
I'm not sleeping. For the past two weeks I have anywhere between 0-4 hrs sleep. And even that's not restful. It takes forever to drift off and then I'm restless and constantly waking up and checking the time that has lapsed. I've had 1 solid(ish) nights sleep of 6hrs! Shock horror. And then yesterday I slept 4hrs and went back to bed mid morning for another two. I had my first REAL hangover.
So I suppose that calls for some explaining? I had a friend who turns 21 on Wednesday she invited a group of our old school friends round to her joint on Saturday night for a bbq drinks and board/card games. Out of a moment of pure madness I accepted the invite only later to regret it I couldn't pull out it was her 21st! And I've missed so many milestone birthdays in the past 2 years. Plus I'd need a pretty darned good excuse to skip it seeing as she lives 3 doors down. I bought 4bottles of sugar free vodka cruisers-lolly water (I love how they are 'sugar free' and yet still have far too many calories), a strongbow apple cider and two Canadian clubs mixed with coke- more Canadian club then coke. The unplanned for 3 were needed the young children (2yrs younger then me lol) were talking about eating disorders and how fat they were and blergh. No, just no. I was very tipsy and if I leant over my chair very nearly went ass over head but it was a fun night I enjoyed it and stumbled home at 1.30am. Once home I rode 10k and wrapped presents and wrote cards for the proceedings day.
I awoke yesterday and the world was spinning I felt like puking. Which probably wasn't helped by the fact I only ate a lettuce leaf and a sausage Saturday. But I had to get up and face the day because it was Father's Day (one of the biggest days of the years supermarkets cash in on those wanting to splurge affection-Apple on a stick. Makes me sick. Makes my heart beat 2-46). And my little brothers 7th birthday the hex of an Anorexic in flight.
September for me is the worst month for celebrations apart from Christmas which involves my sisters birthday, Christmas Day, the aftermath and New Years (and when I was at school end of year breakup). September similarly involves Father's Day, my brothers birthday, my nieces birthday, my brother in laws birthday, my birthday afl grand final and 3 days after my birthday putting us just into October is my older sisters birthday and about a week or two after that is the show. September 1st marks the decent into total chaos!
Needless to say I was extremely bloated yesterday. And my little balloon has deflated a teeny bit but it's still full of too much hot air. Ugh.
Oh and my grandmother is also possibly coming down for 3-5days next week. I wish no ill upon her but I wish something happened to prevent her coming or at least not for as long. Just can't deal! Need my space and no prying eyes thank you.
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