My appointment with the psychiatrist was at 9. I was a bundle of nerves I couldn't construct a sentence or articulate myself appropriately to demonstrate my higher then normal intellect.
I made my way to the bus stop as the sky broke. The bus was unfashionably late as usual but the driver drove at such speed I reached the destination in record time! Maybe it was a sign, I shouldn't of gone? Or maybe I should of? I'm a strong believer in 'signs'.
I entered the front door. The ONLY door. Or so it appeared. I approached the desk a friendly lady sat hunched over a desk looking at a computer. Feeling like a timid child I stuttered "um, hello?...excuse me? Well, ah... I'm supposed to have an appointment. At *what time was it* 9. *They probably need to know WHO WITH Rebecca. Idiot* With Peter. My names ah *shit what's my name?* Rebecca". I was directed to head up the side of the building and "follow the path" where I would come to another door. Did I mention there was NO PATH! I was going 4wheel driving (well 2legged geographically illiterate where the hell am I going I'm out of my mind what am I doing walking).
I found a door. Heart races. Turn the knob. Push. Locked. I found another door. Heart thumps. Turn the knob. Take a breathe and hold. Push. Locked. Just my luck. About to give up and retreat in a flurry of tears I find yet ANOTHER DOOR! Follow the same routine, but, wait for it, CLICK! Door opens and a great gust of warm wind blows in my face. I'm in. In HIS territory. Out of MY comfort zone. So many thoughts tangle into one like a piece of string that's been thrown in the back of your cupboard a while. Intangible.
With the drivers broken brake and my sense of direction (or lack thereof) I was still 15 minutes early (as a pose to my original 30). He walks in says good morning to the receptionist. Ignores my existence. I'm clearly the ONLY ONE THERE! Goes in one door. Disappears. Comes out another door. Comments on the receptionist redecorating of the office and as quick as he appears disappears again. Watch the clock. Moments pass and the first door opens and he steps to the side. "Come on in".
The appointment was about 15-20minutes late (can I just stop there and ask how, HOW can you be late to the FIRST appointment when you are IN the building on time???). I scan him up and down in his usual black suit and dress shoes and take in his tie. Blue and Paisley. No duck tie *sad faces*. He didn't have that skip in his step or his usual smile. Don't over analyse everything Rebecca. Too late. IRRATIONAL THOUGHT: He doesn't want to see me. RATIONAL THOUGHT: He probably didn't get his morning coffee. In I go. I take in his room larger then any other I've seen the scales at the forefront of the room a desk and two abnormally large armchairs to the far right corner situated in front of a wide window looking across a barren grassland. The door is a good 10meters away. Today there will be no running.
He opens the interrogation with "What's been going on?". My routine answer for people who've been out of the loop falls out of my mouth before I've had time to think "...lots..." the rest of the appointment goes a little something like this
"What is lots?"
*explains*
"What are your goals?"
*explains*
"What do you want my help with?"
"I don't know maybe *explains*"
"Well only you can do it. First comes the action and then the psychological aspect"
"Ok well I want to change. I do. I don't know how to"
"You just...stop"
"It can't be that simple"
"Your moving your leg now you have to just stop"
"Oh, shit, sorry *stops*"
"No don't apologise that's good that's the first step. You have to do that over and over again"
"You made me anxious. I'm sorry. I didn't realise. It's habit...Ok, thanks (?) I'll try (half hearted)"
"Well is that all"
"Yeah...I think so"
"They're all good goals. I don't know how I can help. I can only see you once a month. It's costly Is that ok?"
"That's fine. I came here to get your advice I trust you and respect you. Should I get private health insurance"
"You could but it's pointless I'm not covered and I don't think ip is good for you given past experience"
"Ok thank you. I don't want to go ip anyway"
"I'll see you in a month"
Well that's the SHORT version he mentioned meds and possibly coming off them if I'm stable and eating more and gaining weight (as that's a side effect and "not fair to you for trying to do the 'right' thing, you shouldn't be punished") and asked about my oding I was honest and told him I'm good on that forefront it's a "waste of my time, I can't be bothered it's exhausting and i don't want my family to find me (not that I want anyone else to find me because that's not fair either)". So I was booked in for a 15minute appointment-in a month! At a ghastly cost! And not too much certainty as to if its going to be worth it.
I'll ponder.
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