Take me out the back and shoot me

The nurse D came in for a D'n'M she told me I need to find motivation within myself for myself rather then just wanting to always please my family. She told me I was admitted because I wasn't coping wasn't able to move forward with my eating and wasn't able to handle the eating disorder cognition and would sporadically stop eating and drinking. Tick tick tick all 100% correct. She says my vitals are also a cause for concern as my heart rate is so out of whack.

Talking about that I had to meet with the registra again today as my heart rate topped at 141 again. The nurses are astoundingly worried beyond belief. He's not too worried he thinks I have something called postural tachycardia syndrome which is apparently only newly founded and complicated by my ed and dehydration. He spoke to the cardiologists which are going to come and see me but there is only one specialist in Melbourne. 

Meal times have been tremendously hard today as two girls are on leave one is on bed rest and not eating and the other has been moved to neuro psych for apparently encouraging people to leave the ward (which she hasn't if anything she's trying to keep us here) so it's just me! And I hate it! It makes me cringe. 

I'm thinking of going on strike tomorrow not getting out of bed not taking my meds and not eating or drinking my mind just can't handle these thoughts anymore! But I know it will only put me back so I have to keep pushing through until I get discharged. 

Positivity is shining through the rain clouds

Ward Round proved a success lets go through the gains
-An hour downstairs with family and friends
-No supervised toilet/shower
-Take-away and cooking next week (which I don't want to do either of I will talk to the dietician about this early next week)
-Day leave on Monday for my sisters birthday (which I might not take)
-An earlier discharge date (but not set in stone)
And
-No nasogastric tube after 6 long weeks

I know I don't have the tube in now and that's a massive positive but I also know I will slip up again its just a matter of time. I want my eating disorder back but, for now I have to put it on the back burner and make it look like I'm working towards something positive. Like I'm working on an ED free life. Which seems to be working at the moment the team are impressed and thrilled by the progress I have made in the last week. I also have to look forward to my holiday on January 14th to see my grandparents until february 11th. I booked it today to give me incentive and motivation.

Yet again today I am feeling less bloated then usual and I'm relishing in it! It makes me feel so much better about myself. I am also so thankful to finally be able to have a shower or use the toilet without having to be supervised for the first time in a week (I know thats not long but this last week has felt like a lifetime!)

Just a quick post today but a very positive one at it the first in quite some time wish me luck beautifuls.

Family Therapy

Today was my first day of 'Family therapy' which entailed the therapist my parents the social worker and the registrar (which both took notes...LOTS of notes.) I felt threatened and I didn't like it one bit I didn't want to put my foot in it or spill the beans on my secret life (which isn't so secret). The therapist came to the conclusion I am an honest, good girl in denial. He wants an individual session with my parents which I'm happy with if it makes them feel better, no skin off my nose. My parent's also spoke about how my siblings feel responsible for my Anorexia by not saying anything when I skipped meals/passed out and are scared I'm going to die. Seem's a little to surreal.

I got all nicely dressed up today because of family therapy and I actually felt good I looked nice had my hair straightened a pair of jeans that are slightly too big for me and a top that makes my boobs look big and my stomach look more flat. A today only sale I believe ;D I feel like I have lost weight (although I know with the meal plan I'm on -a maintenance meal plan) there is no way I would of lost weight :( but a girl can have her hopes and dreams and hey I wouldn't mind being put on a bigger meal plan it calls for more variety in snacks.

My Dad wants me to wait it out the full 5 weeks and if then it still doesn't work for me at least I've tried I like the sound of that it feels like he will accept my behaviour even thought I know he won't ever be happy with my decision but at least then I might not have to pretend to be ok when I'm not like I'm pretending at the moment it's just so god damn hard but I know the way around the system I know what I have to do to get out of here so that's what I'm doing. The utmost minimum. And then maybe they will discharge me home without a CTO?

I can't believe it's been a week tomorrow that I've been here! 4 weeks sounds so much better then 5 and so on and so on time goes so slowly in here but once a week has gone you look back on it and think "gee times flown! what did I do with myself!?" and next week I will be saying three weeks OMG that sounds like a dream. But in the meantime I'm living the nightmare, riding the wave. Planning for a future I may never have. Hoping the team see's me working with them and discharge me early. A girl can hope can't she?

It is official I am addicted to chai tea. We are only allowed three hot drinks a day in here I don't know why probably because they think we're water loading or some crap. But we've been keeping the tin of chai out (the pantry gets locked so we can't get tea/coffee(decaf)/food/condiments at our will) and helping ourselves to upwards of 4 or 5 a day instead it makes me feel naughty and it's...exhilarating!

One of the girls in here I have grown quite fond of and call my twinsie buddy is going home today she came into hospital the same time I was admitted to the medical ward I'm happy for her but sad it feels like our journey together has come to an end even though I know she's just a phone call or facebook message away it has really bought my spirits down it's made me long for home :( soon bec soon

Ward round tomorrow maybe they will talk about discharge? I hope so I can't do this everyones willing me to and I want to surpass my two week admissions here but I don't want to stay here any longer then necessary and I don't even believe I should of been admitted even though the therapist this morning seems to believe I am "so sick" I'm not underweight so my mind doesn't see it this is just a stop gap admission I'm in limbo not going forwards and not going backwards going nowhere really *sighs*. 

Hot meals

I have had 3671 views on my blog and I have had a whole 2 comments since I started this blog back in December of last year. It makes me feel like my blogging is useless although it certainly has its benefits for my mind set. It's just...sad, I try to comment on other peoples blogs so they don't feel so alone I wish someone would do that for me. You know pay it forward or something. Oh well I will keep blogging to no-one maybe one day someone will care enough about me to talk to me and make me feel not so alone?

In art therapy we started to make dream catchers which I think is a funky idea and a great way to pass the time I even made some beads but being the perfectionist I am I didn't like them and resorted to old fashioned factory made beads I just couldn't get the colours right and they were just to big and bulky and heavy for such a dainty frame. I'm really impressed with how the frame work has come along.

Today is Day 1 of a full meal plan and I have smashed out breakfast (which I haven't eaten in about two months I know that doesn't seem like long but for five of those weeks I wasn't eating anything breakfast is my favourite meal of the day but also the scariest so I stick to 'safe' foods like soggy weet-bixs) morning tea and a sandwich for lunch (another meal I haven't eaten for god knows how long for the sheer fear of bread starch and carbohydrates) I have also unfortunately had water put on my mealplan as I have postural tachycardia (heart rate jumps when I go from sitting to standing) and my bp has been unusually high too. I'm mostly worried about dinner I'm on hot meals and I'm scared of not being able to eat 100% in the time frame given (half an hour).

UPDATE: I did it I ate 100% of my dinner I don't know if it was in the time frame but, I ATE IT! one meal down a lifetime to go

Here's a photo of my not-quite-finished dream catcher

Rebelling

Ward round was this morning (in case you've forgotten it's where we meet with the team and discuss our progress and ask for things we want like breaks) we are meant to fill in a 'ward round sheet' which states everything but today I rebelled against this and refused to hand in a sheet instead I ballsied up and faced the team and said what I wanted...Kind of. I told them I don't want to be here but I'm prepared to fight for recovery I asked for breaks downstairs and was declined which SUCKED! I got absolutely nothing except for a meal increase which I'm happy about and dreading all at once it's a step forward I suppose. All in all ward round sucked I still feel totally incompetent. So I've made an executive decision I'm going to appeal my section I don't know if I win if I will stay I don't even know if I will submit it but the thought is putting me at ease. 5 weeks is just far too long in my opinion and they call it 'short' they're delirious. 

This morning we had our obs done as we do every 4 hours and my heart rate sitting was 130bpm and standing got up to 150bpm so they had to call the doctor which was pointless he didn't tell me anything new "Your heart rates high, which could be normal for you and your blood pressure is high too" nothing I was too worried about. But as my heart is playing funny buggers they have added water to all my meals which disappoints me to the max.

We had open art group today (as its 'open' its a choice group unlike tomorrow where its compulsory) and I started to make a dream catcher and my own beads I am really happy with it which is a first for me to say about my art work for the first time in a long time. I will post pictures tomorrow when its finished.

I'm still waiting to meet with the dietician to discuss my meal increase I am dreading it but I know it has to happen to get out of here. 

I'm feeling a little bit more upbeat this afternoon after spending a good hour in the art room detoxing all the negativity I was housing so I will put off submitting my application for revocation. Until tomorrow at least.

Last night I bawled my eyes out in my room and a nurse found me crying in hysterics she was really soothing which I would never of expected from her she told me not to hold it in anymore and just feel the feelings basically she then gave me 5mg diazepam to calm me down (and put me to sleep) I guess feeling the feelings this morning in ward round didn't work...

UPDATE: I just met with the dietician and she agreed I can go to the full meal plan and no NGT feed woopie! This is going to be so hard but I can do it... I hope. At least until I go home and get discharged off the section anyway. I CAN DO THIS! Honestly I'm shitting myself. 

Looking like a couch

Boring.

Boring.

Boring!

I'm bored out of my brains! I think I am going insane!

Nothing to do here, literally. Its strict 'couch rest'. I swear the size of my ass has just about doubled in the last 4 days, I'm going to look like a couch at this rate!

I'm sleeping the day away because there's nothing better to do I'm dreading the groups that start this week I hate opening up talking and disclosing information about my Anorexia the way it makes me think and feel. The two groups I'm dreading most are psychology and family therapy (and goal setting group if you can call it a group) I prefer to keep things to myself! I guess that's half my problem.

I'm ready to get out of here I was ready before I got in here! But I'm complying with the team to get rid of the Nasogastric Tube until they see me fit to make my own decisions and then I will discharge myself I can't stay here for five weeks! I'm hoping they take me off section on Thursday at the latest. I can dream right? And then I will try to give it an extra week to see if I can comply on my own to see if it really can help, I'm not medically compromised so they can't keep me here.

I think two weeks will be plenty long enough because the only reason they would keep me is for family therapy and groups which make me feel claustrophobic and threatened and isolated and silly and stupid and dumb and the list goes on, which we started to do with my OP team anyway and it was much more relaxing. And I didn't have to be away from home. And it wasn't as full on in your face kinda thing.

I'm tempted to tell the team how triggered I am here they want honesty, I'm tempted to ring my psychiatrist P and tell him how triggered I am maybe he will 'save' me? I'm tempted to not comply just to get out of here. Anything to get my butt kicked out of here but I won't ruin the chances of coming back here again if in the future I need it (which I won't) and I won't risk the chance of being sent to the Swanston Centre either.

UPDATE: I've hit a brick wall tonight I'm thinking about ward round tomorrow and I'm scared I'm scared they will say yes to me increasing my meal plan to a full meal plan I'm scared of failing I want to ask if they will take me off the ITO but I'm scared they'd say no and maybe I'm scared they'll say yes I don't know what I want anymore I'm torn that's the only way I can put it but more then that I'm homesick I was doing well at home I want to go back to that it was slow progress but it was still progress. The thought of asking them to take me off my ITO tomorrow is running rampant, everyones praying I see it through but if they were in my position they'd understand how hard this is for me.

bordering on insanity

What a boring day I'm scared that the next five weeks will follow the same pattern honestly we sit around on a couch all day long sleeping and watching endless daytime T.V with the in between break up of meals and snacks every few hours 8, 10, 12, 4, 6 and 8 again and then we repeat again the following day. No wonder people go insane! I would too! .... I am.

I'm really hoping that by working with the team they may discharge me earlier then December 4th that would be nice! But in saying that I still don't know how I'm going to last another week or two in this place. I know that this place is the one place that can help me that's why I'm trying to give it my all but I am just so god damn homesick. It makes my heart sink seeing everyone get visitors and then I'm left all by my lonesome in the lounge room but at least then I can turn the T.V off and bask in the silence for an hour or so.

I have no idea why I agreed to come (if you can call it agreeing being told you don't have a choice) I was doing surprisingly well at home something I actually genuinely believe I could of uped the anti and pushed along with my recovery. 

It's so triggering being in here being the largest (by no means am I fat I am a healthy weight) person and having everyone eating like mouses and being timed and allowed to do limited movement and not being allowed any free time downstairs. It's just a nightmare but I have to keep reminding myself its better then being in the Swanston Centre. There are far worse things and in the scheme of things 1 week 2 weeks 3 weeks even 5 weeks for an entire lifetime it'll be worth it... I hope.

I refuse to unpack my belongings as I don't plan on being here for the full 5 weeks I plan on being outta here REAL soon! (if I get my way I will be out within 2 weeks) So instead I'm living out of a suitcase. Just want to get back home and do the outpatients thing it seemed to be working well for once, and it's something i want to continue to do :). Best I not get my hopes up though. John Cade is unpredictable. I am however thinking of being transitioned to my full meal plan on monday rather then waiting the extra three days so I can get this ball moving!

I don't know what my life will be like without Anorexia its been a constant companion for at least the last 3 years but its the leap I'm willing to take (today) I want to be healthy I want to be strong I want to be beautiful I want to love the skin I'm in I want to enjoy life I want to relish in foods without guilt. I want a life!