Small achievements bring great happiness

Dizzy spells

And cockle shells 

All in a pretty row

Isn't it funny that being told your being sent back to prison the unit is enough to push you one way or the other, propel you into recovery or plummet you into a full blown relapse I chose the latter although I would sparsely use the word "chose" it's an innate behaviour and thought process lost in translation.

139hrs (day 6) since I last ate. 

(4.00)

Morning BMI 18.7 finally at my discharge weight. Goal before admission 16-16.3 (my weight usually drops by the afternoon when I weigh again after my bath 8ish for the second time)

I have the shakes the dizzies I'm cold and lethargic.

Just collapsed for the second time my 5 yr old brother saw! He just thinks I fell...and again for a third hitting my head on the wall :/

Made the kids breakfast and tried to make myself have ensure (didn't happen) and unpacked half the dishwasher before I was exhausted and had to lie down again.

I had horrible dreams last night reliving my friends death and funeral from 5 years ago and although she was dead she was sitting up waving blinking BREATHING! All the stuff that living people do! And then I was dreaming (or should I say having a nightmare) about going back to prison hospital and dreaming about all the foods I could cram into my mouth except with one fault- I can't. I wish I could get ONE full good nights sleep in *sighs*.

So I've been enjoying my walks fresh air and anorexias fleeting silence. But it is so exhausting when you haven't eaten for as long as I have and are so dehydrated you could pass as a cactus. My anorexia has devised a new plan of attack I can go for my walks which I think my heart is going to give way too and have a can of Pepsi max as a reward OR I can stay home and survive off water. How long do you think I could survive purely off water?

You know how I said I was having half a cup of Pepsi max yesterday? I managed a sip BUT I managed 300mls today :)

Still waiting

My days have started an awfully boring routine I seem to be unable to deviate from;

8-9.30 Wake up in the morning (or should I say get up my sleeping is so out of pattern)

10.30-11 to for a walk 4.7k give or take (and somewhere before here I slot in a weigh in)

12-1 arrive home and collapse on the couch careful not to get up too often because when your not careful the dizzies will jump out like the monster that lurke's under your bed

5 make the dogs dinner

6 mum will routinely ask if I'm eating with the family or if ill have an ensure to which I'll reply "no, maybe later" later never comes

7.30-8 have a bath soak in the water whichever temperature my body craves lately it's cold

8.30-9.30 go to bed 

12.30 and the restless sleepless night begins 

I really don't do a lot but I am running of reserves. And throughout the entire day I'm having conversations in my head like a crazy cat lady with Anorexia who delivers false hope and promises. 

Not a lot else to say really I've lost 6.55kg in the last month with 4.9 since December 30 my BMI has dropped from a healthy 21 to an underweight 18.9 (today). Today marks day 5 of no food and barely any water yes my body is going INSANE! But I just can't nourish it I sit there with an ensure and will myself to drink it but ended up tipping it down the sink in a flurry of tears not even able to get a sip in.

But today's accomplishment half a glass of Pepsi Max! (which is a start if nothing else I've been craving it like mad!) and being 500g away from my discharge weight 19/9 which I should meet tomorrow.

In other news I'm meeting one of my nurses (I met in hospital and nick named mumma-b) on Wednesday I'm excited and really nervous I'm petrified she'll think I'm fat so my aim is to lose another 1.9kg before then. We're just going to go somewhere quite like a park in the afternoon (after I've gone for my ridiculous walk that take everything out of me so this'll be interesting) because I can't handle people. 

I suppose this is really poorly articulated so I'll leave it there

Xxx Bec

Teeter tottering

Sleeping seems to have become a greater exercise. It's easier just to stay awake so I DON'T think about eating food, that I really haven't or replaying conversations about sending me back to prison the unit.

I've been teeter tottering the line of passing out I know my 'signs' dizzy shaky everything goes black I can't communicate and all sound evaporates into space. As the day has progressed so too have my hit and near misses.

Last night I begged my little sister not to tell my parents. And this morning the postie almost had to bare witness :/

My weight has dropped again placing my BMI at 19.1 one part of me is in complete rapture and the other, is bat shit scared. Also after discharge my heart rate say between 100-120 this morning it was at 76bpm!

Sorry this is such a nothing post I'm struggling to get simple things out like "the playground) I guess this is due to the starved state my body is in.

Xxx

What a D-isaster!

I couldn't sleep last night (4.5 hrs been awake since half past midnight) maybe because I was so empty I felt nauseous maybe because I knew the impending appointment was rapidly approaching maybe because I just could not switch my brain off! Whichever the reason the world was still spinning this morning.

I managed to get a weight check this morning when my parents went for a walk at 5.30am my BMI is now considered underweight! Just, 19.5 I'm still in rapture about this as the succession of the day has been ever so exhausting. Again I put this down to the fact I can barely manage to drink a cup of water and I'm counting ice cubes! Who does this?!

Well now on to the events of this mornings appointment;
He discussed putting me on an ITO because I'm "refusing treatment" (not letting him weigh me and only ever saying I'm ok I'm fine) and my "health is deteriorating" FUCK HIM sorry I'm just so angry and upset right now just finished And then he rubbed it in that I almost died last time LIKE I DIDNT KNOW BRAINIACK. And the minute I collapse (saying I get that far again) to take me straight to A&E where they'll section me arrrrggghhh he infuriates me so fucking much we just fight "I'm fine" "no your not"  "that's speculation word against word". He wanted me to at least see a gp weekly to check my vitals if I was going to refuse clinic, I said no way! He said he will also be talking to the unit weekly should only be a week or two wait for a bed (it's a tiny unit only 8 beds!) but he "doesn't want to send me there" if he doesn't have too please explain? What makes him 'have too'? He was the one who put me back on the list to begin with, not ME! 
                                                                                   -this was cut and paste from some txt messages

He wanted to get my parents to throw out the scales but I wouldn't let him as my parents 'need' them for their new fad diet. I wonder how long this one will last? The last one lasted maybe three days an I'm being generous. So the scales are here to stay.

On another note I've also been exercising a lot recently anywhere from 3-8k today was 4.7k and I am pooped! I've had barely half a cup of water and 2 ice cubes and haven't eaten since Monday night (plus 7 ice cubes yesterday and half a cup of water again). Lets just say anorexia locks me in a glass case and wraps around me like a silk scarf

What an eventful few days

Xxx

Happy new year!

I bought in the new year with style! I was asleep by 20 to 11. I didn't even drink! For the first time in about 5ish years for obvious reasons -.-

I'm at a loss for words. I have so many I want to say and yet no voice to speak it (or type it) in a coherent manner by any means at least.

I feel utterly emotionless. I went through feeling upset and angry and numb and now I don't even feel that. It's beginning to feel like the 5 stages of grief. What are the other two? Ha.

No, now I'm feeling empty! But that could be because of the fact I haven't eaten for the past 48hrs and I have no desire or intent to. I have managed an entire cup of water and 4 ice cubes. I would smash the 40hr famine haha. Although I'm not thinking I'd go too well at painting nails (I tried and my hands are very shaky!)

I just can't eat or drink it comes with too much (for lack of a better word)...baggage! I almost gave way to a SIP of normal coke last night but my brain screamed at me if I did I couldn't have a CAN of Pepsi Max today. Well today has come and almost gone and I can't get past ice. I just keep thinking my psychiatrist will weigh me tomorrow and I need to be at my skinniest, no water weight, pure, clean, completly empty.

So, maybe I will drink that Pepsi max tomorrow night? If I can bring myself too. Seeming like a lost cause. It's feeling like before I went into hospital last time I went through this exact same experience and well, that didn't end well... I physically can not bring myself to eat/drink and it's kind if scary :(

So I guess that's it I'm exhausted. Happy new year!

Going back

I'm on a new diet--it's called I don't give a fuck

My parents are well aware of my relapse now.

And I'm refusing to eat (just stoked up on diet Pepsi THIS.WILL.BE.MY.LIFELINE!)

Out of desperation my dad made an emergency appt at my clinic to which I kept up the forefront of "I'm ok, I'm fine, everything's alright, LEAVE ME ALONE" well... Now I'm back on the waiting list to go back to melb (it will be a shorter wait as I've already been there, but still no telling how long, they have a meeting early next week and will discuss then) 

They were going to send me to our local psych ward but it would of been pointless I would of continued up as they don't deal with ed's. 

So instead I have been sent home with yet another diagnosis depression! (on top of OCD, anorexia, anxiety and social phobia) to continue to starve and exercise and abuse laxatives (as they can't detain me because I'm not suicidal, and my dad said they won't push food on me) and in the meantime whilst we wait my meds have been increased and they will up my visits to clinic and reassess on Thursday -.-' 

Blaah so drained and exhausted an tired and angry and upset. And just generally an emotional train wreck.

What a way to end the year! 

"The world ends not with a bang, but a whimper" T.S.Elliot 

The mirror holds all secrets

Long I stood there

Staring
Gazing

Transfixed

Looking into the netherworld that has become my life

Peering
Judging
Longing

Condemned to this life that had become a seductive secluded world

The mirror torches the torched soul.

Dinner has just come to a blazing end I'm lying in bed crying. Bawling. Praying. Hoping, I can have the strength to devulge my evil secret to my mother.

But she won't come. So, for another day, my secret is safe.