Tornado

It's been about a week and a half since I last blogged. I go to write something and then i get writers block. Nothing seems good enough. I don't seem good enough.

A lot happened as I mentioned a few posts earlier scary poppy (thats what we called him as kids as he used to poke his false teeth out at us and scare us) passed away so his funeral was monday just gone. There were many tears shed and most of the pictures showed a simple man with a slight addiction to alcohol. Well maybe a little more then slight...

My psychiatrist discharged me. So i asked my gp to find a private psychiatrist so she asked him and he said he would see me privately I DON'T UNDERSTAND! He would be doing the same job except getting paid more except in my case that wouldn't be so as he offered to bulk bill me i said i'd think about it but in the mean time i'm going to get relinked in with my first councillor. Boy have things changed. I'm still on weekly checkins with the gp. She's trying to get me to go back to school. I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready for another failure yet.

I started eating and in turn stopped weighing. I've been bouncing between eating one meal a day to liquid fasting and lets just say my weight is yo-yoing I feel like a fat blimp. I was so scared i would lose control and i fee like i have its a tornado ripping a path of destruction through my life.

I slipped into cutting last week followed by purging. My 6yr old brother walked in on me yesterday thrusting two fingers down my throat and puke hanging from my mouth and dripping from my hands as i screamed at him to "Get out!" thank god he was 6 and had no idea. When did I become so desperate? It's depressing that beauty is seen as skinny in society. I wonder, what is pretty about laxative abuse about vomiting about bones that protrude like jagged knives beneath your layers of clothes? I'm going off on a tangent.

I have a friends house warming/birthday party tomorrow night but I'm going to pull the "i'm sick" card. Socialising sucks!

And last I've been looking at getting a tattoo for maybe the last year? Well I finally decided tonight on what I'm going to get (it's called a black light tattoo). For me its a symbol of hope and freedom. I'm going to see if my tattooist can make it a little more personal though. How I don't know :/. Now comes the hard part left shoulder blade or right? I'm thinking left but my tattoo on my wrist is on the left I don't really want to be unbalanced. 

Disjointed

I had another cry before bed last night my dad telling me he's moving out because of all the fighting (about me). Today my parents are one happy couple again and I've been told I can stay. Wait for the next volcanic eruption I suppose. 

My sister rang me this morning to find out what happened at my appt yesterday she saw me and mum waiting. So I explained the discharge and the fights. She offered me to come over for a few hours at first I declined and then I said to hell with it so I went over we arranged appt's for housing I had cuddles with my niece then tried yet again to buy safe foods. I bought soup. If I can stomach it will be another battle.

Tonight I caved I had 2 pieces of toast and 2 cups of coffee 129 my stomach hurts and I want to throw up not to mention my head. I honestly don't think I can face food again tomorrow it was an awful mistake I'm sure I gained at least 3kilos :'( 

I don't talk about this much but last night I cut myself and ended in a pool of blood I can't believe I've relapsed into sh again and I plan on doing it again tonight once you get a taste for it it's hard to stop it's just so soothing. I feel fat ugly undeserving a glutton a cow greedy I just hate myself. 

I agreed to see a private psychiatrist I'm hoping it will get everyone off my back

My great Poppy's funeral is Monday they're having a viewing I was going to go but once I heard this I got scared and my mum said she probably won't go so I feel like I shouldn't but I didn't go to my great Nanna's funeral and I've regretted it ever since.

This is really disjointed 

Magic pill?

I've spent the afternoon in my room crying. I spent all of last night crying too. I think I'm all dried up like a prune now.

My mum told me last night I was the root to all my families problems. 

I cried.

I had my psych appt today and my anorexia needless to say is overcome with joy. He discharged me. I always knew deep down I was a hopeless case and everyone would give up on me. 

I headed for the gp I didn't even tell him the tests he was supposed to run I didn't see the point I was tired. I am tired.

I got home and cried I had no support. What was I going to do? My resolve? Die.

I went inside and spoke to my mum she asked me if I was going to see jigsaw I said no. She said I needed to call Collins place. Tomorrow. I asked what she had said to peter "I'm getting off the carousel you need to find somewhere else to live now it's time for the kids" I asked how long she said ASAP.

I went back to my room and cried.

I told my dad we needed to talk. I told him I needed money to move out. That mum didn't want me. He said that wasn't true she wanted me to eat. He said everyone had given up on me I needed to help myself. He said I wouldn't get housing as I'm too unstable and can't support myself.

I cried. 

Then I heard my parents fighting. About me. I couldn't make out the words. My little sister told me dad didn't want to kick me out as I didn't have the money and mum didn't care it was my problem.

Then my mum came to my room told me I couldn't rely on eds why wouldn't I just go to jigsaw. Maybe because they wanted to label me bpd which I don't have or maybe it was because they fucked my sister up more maybe it was because I don't like new people maybe it was because they don't actually deal with eating disorders so how were they going to help!? I didn't tell her any of this instead I barricaded up and said "because I don't why don't you go" "because it's your problem, your ruining my life *slams door*" 

Cue more tears

Then I had this thought I have a cocktail of medication olanzapine mirtazapine seroquel lorazepam escitalopram I could easily kill myself solve everyone's problems. I won't it was a spur of the moment desperate thought. But I don't see another solution we're in a gridlock. I will wait for 'nature' to take it's course.

I guess I'm depressed today my world is falling apart and I'm destroying everyone else's while I'm at it. 

I just want it to end. Someone give me a magic pill. Please :'(

Ducking for cover

I spent the morning huddled in my bed trying to get warm and when that effort failed I moved on to the heater still, I was chilled to the core.

I ended up cancelling my psych appt tomorrow. Hollie rang and asked knowingly "so... Your eating and drinking normally you have energy your heart isn't racing?" I coyly said "yeah" she laughed at me and said she wasn't buying it and with a hr 140 I should of been sent to A&E Friday. Which I already knew. She said she wasn't cancelling my appt tomorrow she had moved everything around and got me the first appt on his first day back off leave. Way to make me feel guilty. She said she would continue to support me and that we should make a plan now before I collapse in public or my parents see. She really means well but I just can't deal with the thought of trying to get better again I know what it involves.

I plan to run tomorrow if he tries to admit me I have it all planned.

I feel undeserving fat and gluttonous for no reason except I've stopped taking lax so today I am depriving myself of even my diet coke. It's painful.

My great poppy died today too I haven't even cried the tears have stung my eyes but I just feel numb another thing to add to my crappy life 

I just keep blocking out all the triggers and starving myself the real reasons for my anorexia are too deep and painful to think about 

Desperate

I find myself praying.

Praying I don't wake up in the morning.

Praying I die in the night.

Praying Peter and Hollie and Defne give up on me.

Please don't make me fight. I'm tired. Let me go. I don't want to do this anymore.

Let me die.

Hump day

Hump day. Well kinda. It's not Wednesday but it's hump day of my fast week I started on a Tuesday so Saturdays mark half a week exactly. 3 and a half weeks without a morsel. Sometimes I wonder how I'm still standing. 

Blood test results yet again proved my stance of 'I'm ok' although there are red spots... Everywhere. 

I'm starting to count down the days until Tuesdays appt. Two and a half. I'm dreading it. I'm praying. I'm planning on running away I just haven't figured out where yet. If he admits me after a day of not eating he's sure to admit me after four weeks. Maybe he'll be refreshed after his holiday and give me the benefit of the doubt. Ha. That's what dreams are for. Right? It makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

I start wanting my diet coke at 2am it makes for a very long day but when I finally allow myself the simple pleasure I almost don't want it anymore but if I allow my safe time to pass I know I won't get another opportunity for 24hrs and 24hrs to someone as malnourished and dehydrated as me is like a life time.

I went shopping today it wasn't planned. I rolled out of bed at 1 and decided to buy diet coke a salt lamp and finish my Easter shopping as I fear I won't get another chance. I ended up buying tea and books I didn't need but wanted. It was exciting to be nice to myself. Self indulgent as I deprive myself of everything else I hope the books ease the long nights if I can focus long enough to read more then a page I guess I have a lot of time on my hands.     

I got home and my sister the one I'm not on speaking terms with was here but at least I got to see my niece I've missed her so much she's grown so much and even has teeth! She's 6 months next week. I loved having cuddles with her she reminds me of innocence. Something I wish I still had.

Sorry about yesterday's abrupt end to my post it usually takes me a whole day to write but I didn't have the energy and when I got around to it I felt so overwhelmed.

Also I think my weight is starting to stall which I'm ok with.

Still kicken'

Another day in the life of me although I'd barely call it a life at the moment. I feel like I am dying like actually dying although all the tests suggest I am 'ok' at this point in time. I happen to wonder though after 3 weeks and 3 days of not eating am I really as fine as I say I am? I've lost 12.6 kilos in three weeks I'm faint heart racing can't stand tired but can't sleep cold I want it to end but I keep pushing. My luck and my body.

Well I had another gp appt today my bp was low 109 over something but still normal and my hr was 140 fast but again still normal. He gave me the ultimatum blood test or another appt tomorrow I went with the blood test so I can relax and rest until Tuesday. The pathologist looked at me and said "oh sorry this is a fasting blood test" I replied "I've fasted" "how long" I looked her dead in the eye very seriously and said "3 weeks and 3 days" she didn't look like she believed me so I continued "I have anorexia" I was tired and irritated that I has to go through my medical life with her it was none of her god damn business I just wanted to get home and sink into bed with my diet coke my only reprieve of the day. More then anything I wanted to sleep and my worry to end. But that will have to wait. Once Tuesday is over I can begin to relax as long as Peter lets me free for another week.

My old psychologist rang Hollie asked her to check in and Hollie is checking in Monday they have 'checked in' every day since I was re referred on Tuesday it's getting kinda old I haven't dropped dead yet so everyone STOP WORRYING!

I have so much more on my mind I could write but I'm exhausted mentally so I'm going to leave this a half finished entry sorry guys. I need sleep.