Disjointed

I had another cry before bed last night my dad telling me he's moving out because of all the fighting (about me). Today my parents are one happy couple again and I've been told I can stay. Wait for the next volcanic eruption I suppose. 

My sister rang me this morning to find out what happened at my appt yesterday she saw me and mum waiting. So I explained the discharge and the fights. She offered me to come over for a few hours at first I declined and then I said to hell with it so I went over we arranged appt's for housing I had cuddles with my niece then tried yet again to buy safe foods. I bought soup. If I can stomach it will be another battle.

Tonight I caved I had 2 pieces of toast and 2 cups of coffee 129 my stomach hurts and I want to throw up not to mention my head. I honestly don't think I can face food again tomorrow it was an awful mistake I'm sure I gained at least 3kilos :'( 

I don't talk about this much but last night I cut myself and ended in a pool of blood I can't believe I've relapsed into sh again and I plan on doing it again tonight once you get a taste for it it's hard to stop it's just so soothing. I feel fat ugly undeserving a glutton a cow greedy I just hate myself. 

I agreed to see a private psychiatrist I'm hoping it will get everyone off my back

My great Poppy's funeral is Monday they're having a viewing I was going to go but once I heard this I got scared and my mum said she probably won't go so I feel like I shouldn't but I didn't go to my great Nanna's funeral and I've regretted it ever since.

This is really disjointed