It's utterly exhausting. There is not a moments peace in my life. Everything has a place a way and a time to be done.
I started applying for jobs because my dad told me too, and I agree it's the only guarantor I have at moving out. At regaining my independence. But more importantly to me my control!
But that too is tiresome. I fear my pension will be cut I don't so much care about the money as much as I do about the government benefits, the only 'benefit' that matters to me is my medication! It literally costs about $170au. And I pay roughly half that as is. A job will give me an additional $200. So no job will cater for a life because my sanity hinges on these meds. How unfortunate my life morals have become.
Any who I have an interview tomorrow. I had a phone interview today and she requested I have a face-to-face one tomorrow. I am in two minds about this 1)anxious and excited 2)apathetic and distant.
I saw my councillor this morning. I don't know why I see her we talk about menial things. Today's topic of discussion was hobbies which I have none of or rather sporadic ones when I have the zeal for life. She asked if there was much point to seeing her with everyone else I said there was but really there isn't. She gives me 1hr every three weeks to take my mind off the merry-go-round in my head. I feel an end drawing near.
I asked for my gp to leave a script at reception for me. Again for two reasons 1)she had no spare appointments and 2)I didn't want to see her. The reception ladies told me to take a seat she'd be out soon. I blurted "I don't want to talk to her!" Which ended with everyone laughing at me and me feeling rather childlike. She came out and I hopped she'd send me on my way saying this was the last time she could get the authority or something of the sort. Instead she asked me to follow her to her office. Heart in throat I followed like Mary's lamb. Tethered to her by her compassionate personality. She asked things like "How's your intake?"
"The same"
"What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing I didn't ask to talk to you I just asked for a script"
"Can you step on the scales?"
"NO" We mutually agreed about 10mths ago noone in the medical industry would weigh me and now she threatened to renege and show me for the true blimp I am. To have such a number scrawled on my chart is just a mortifying thought
"Well how much have you lost?"
"6.7kilos"
"In how long?"
"I lost track"
"How often do you weigh yourself?"
"14 times give or take"
"I can't imagine it'd change much in a day. It's obsessive"
"I guess, but I have to"
"I take it you don't want to go to hospital" -half question half statement
"NO"
"Right, come over here and let me get your bp"
Well I went over there with quite the bravo confident my body has adapted to the years of starvation. My bp dropped A LOT and my hr already tachycardic when I sat jumped A LOT when I stood. At her wits end she gave me no choice and said she was going to contact my psychiatrist. She wants me in hospital and she has all the evidence in front of her to do so. But she doesn't want to traumatise me. So she's looking for guidance from him she's half heartedly praying he steps up to the plate but we both know he'll do nothing, which I quite openly express my gratitude for.
Can't wait to see her next week! Haha sometimes I make myself laugh
Also I saw the gastroenterologist she's orders a gastroscopy and an iron infusion. I handed the forms in the other day although I adamantly did NOT want the iron infusion. After my run in with the lovely gp I went to the hospital and reneged which and some of the anxiety.
Maybe she's right? Maybe I will die...
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