Well, what's happened? I don't know where I left it to be honest.
I went to breakfast with my family friends the anxiety was high but as we settled in it melted away like snow on a sunny day.
There have been many fights with my mother many times where the bottle of pills has become intensely overwhelming.
My little sister also had a fight with my parents on a day I wasn't at my best and also had tense relations with them. She consequently moved out and is residing with my older sister.
I've started to dabble in my art again which is a sweet relief from the neat ball of wool I had in my head that is quickly unravelling like a tiny kitten who can't chase it fast enough.
My favourite thing, I enrolled in school yesterday for next year! There is a lengthy process to go through yet- a test and an interview! Wish me luck! But I'm excited nevertheless.
I took a train to Melbourne to see a friend from hospital. And it was a beautiful catch up. It was like milk on cereal. Made to be. But on my way home I encountered an Indian man who scared the wits out of me (it's a long story) but I ended ip on the wrong train and giving my statement to the police. Since then my anxiety is extremely high I panic at everything! Sometimes I don't even know why. I feel like my egg shell is breaking. More or less being trampled on by a stampede of prehistoric dinosaurs!
And the last not so bright thing I have to report on is my anorexia. It's still there and making her presence known. More and more each day. My life is becoming dictated by the number war again. How little can I eat. How much can I lose. How little space can I take up. How much exercise can I do. The calories, the exercise, the purging, the laxatives, the restrictive diet (and liquids). I give in. I don't realise it. It creeps in and now it's consuming but low and behold I have no intent to evacuate or call 000. Im addicted and I'm in denial. I even cancelled the dietician exclaiming "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!" Ha my famous last words.
I saw my GP today she took one look at me and said "You're tired" a little nod of the head. My eyes avert she jumps on me "You're flat again aren't you?! What happened?". My response breakdown take glasses off and shield my eyes from her disappointed ones with my hands. I was bought to nods and shakes for the majority of the remainder of my appointment. I felt like a scared 16 year old again in my first years of seeing her. She got my bp which dropped when I stood and my hr which jumped when I stood. It took a while for me to give her my arm and it took even longer for me to poke my tongue out (to see how dehydrated I was). She asked me if I was weighing myself again nods
"How much?" "4.2kg in 9days" (I just weighed now 4.5kg in 10days)
She asked me if I was exercising again nods "How much?" "I ride 8km a day and walk 6km" "All in the same day" "Yes" "What about your hr?" "It's bad but I push through *shruggs*"
"Are you eating?" "A little 400calories at dinner time"
"Are you drinking?" Shakes head "your so irrational I'm not going to talk to you anymore, why won't you drink water? It has NO CALORIES" "Because it makes me gain weight" "Not fat weight, why does the number mean so much to you no one else sees it" "Yes you may not see the number, but, YOU SEE ME!"
"Do you want to go to hospital" (she repeated this question several times and each time I have the same routine response-which she was expecting) "No, I won't go, I won't let it happen. I'M FINE!!!"
She ordered a blood test to be done today at that clinic by the nurse (she didn't want me actually going to pathology I don't know if this is because she didn't want me walking or wanted to make sure I got it done, which I very nearly didn't). As I waited in the waiting room she came back out asking me again (nearly pleading with me) if I wanted to go to hospital. She is sending a copy of my bloods to my AN psychiatrist and if anything is wrong she will call me tomorrow (and him!). I've been self destructing for a while now at first slowly and then with an almighty bang. I'm scared my bloods will be out, and she is pretty certain they will be (although she doesn't know about the purging or laxatives). She left me making me promise to keep all my appointments as I had said I wasn't keen too. And lastly I'm back on weekly GP appointments so she can monitor and keep a close eye on me (rather then fortnightly which I suppose isn't all that bad it's nothing I'm not used to but I just feel like the biggest let down :'( )
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