That's how I feel.
Weightless.
Euphoric.
Able to do anything.
Ready to take on the world one handed.
Left handed (no offence to you guys your still pretty rad in my eyes ;D ).
I'm knee deep in and half the time I don't even realise it.
I'm too preoccupied counting how many kilometres I've covered in the day.
How many calories I will have to ingest (and inevitably how many will be left when I expell it)?
When I can weigh next?
How much weight I've lost in the last 10 days?
How much I'll lose tomorrow morning.
How my clothes fit.
Do I look fat?
When I can get on the bike next?
If anyone can see me.
If I'm functioning on all cylinders and fulfilling my requirements to be a successful human being (or what I consider successful).
When I can have my first and ONLY DRINK (I'm talking water guys!).
Yeah you get the picture.
Fun times I'm sure
...not.
But I push myself beyond my boundaries.
Beyond my limits.
I push myself into the netherworld.
I suffer the consequences.
Light headedness.
Fatigue.
Lethargy.
I push because I'm still functioning.
I'm doing my art.
I applied for school (and won a book voucher for $100 today to go towards text books next year- I haven't even been excepted into the course yet!).
I'm exercising (excessively, but that's what I used to do and it makes me feel so much better. Powerful).
I'm getting up in the morning and getting out in the day.
These things make me happy.
I'm not depressed so, I must be well.
Right?
Well my bloods came back today. And low and behold I'm iron deficient again. My Dr rang me "Hi Bec how are you?"
"I'm good. I'm fine!"
"Right (sarcasm). Now the formalities are over. Your bloods came back your iron deficient"
"I'm ok. I'm fine!"
"Right, look I have to tell you this its my job"
"Uh-uh"
"You should get some iron tablets and bring your levels up they are dangerously low and I know how that feels I've been this deficient before. Back in May they were 16, normal is between 7-30 yours are 4! And it also tests your iron stores normal is between 8-200 again, yours are 4! That would contribute to your shortness of breath and your tiredness."
"Thanks but I'd rather not"
"Well you could eat red meat. But I'm pretty sure I know your answer"
"No! It's not happening. I'm fine. I'm ok. I'm functioning. I'm performing."
"Well the other option I'd highly recommend is an iron infusion but again I think I know your answer"
"Thanks but no I'm ok. I'm fine!"
"Well I'll write in the comments I informed you"
"Ok"
*hangs up*
I then panicked because I know she had a copy sent to my consultant AN psychiatrist. He's the one who can make shit happen! So I cancelled my appt with my gp for next week. She can't see me she can't monitor me. Right? I'm thinking logically aren't I!? I can't handle seeing her. Hearing her disappointment. Being unable to look at her. Completely shutting down. I feel like a little kid. I have NEVER cancelled on her in 4 years! I also took the liberty of cancelling my case manager appt on Thursday. There are a few more cabs left on the rank to cancel
1. Gastroenterologist
2. Holter monitor
3. Consultant psychiatrist (but I'm going to have to keep that one unfortunately the appt is tomorrow and I can't cancel. It'll cost me a fortune I might as well pay the fortune and hear him tell me what I already know, or maybe I shouldn't maybe he'll section me for being 'neglectful' to my body- as my councillor would say).
I already cancelled the dietician.
So instead I will continue to disappear.
I will become invisible once again, the way I like it.
I will be a lone soldier.
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