The title says it all. I'm leading what feels like a double life. Each juxtapose the other.
On the one hand I am trying to be bright for my family.
Trying to smile.
Trying to compose myself.
Trying to show them I'm happier.
I'm healthier.
I'm eating more.
And applying for jobs.
This life seems to be the facade.
Then my team see the other side of me.
The real side.
The side that struggles to eat
And even more so struggles to keep her fluid intake up.
Struggles to stop exercising.
Stop weighing.
Struggles to sleep.
And be happy.
They see the side that can not be hidden.
The obvious weight loss.
And the obvious physical side effects the toll my anorexia is taking on my body.
My 'dangerous' iron deficiency.
My postural drop.
And my tachycardia.
But still I try to show them I'm the person I show my parents.
Try to fool myself more so then anyone else.
Apparently the numbers don't lie however.
The lovely gp rang me this morning to wish me luck today,
Make sure I was going and urged me to have something to eat and drink before I go so I don't collapse. As she put it.
She reminded me and I wonder if this was more the meaning behind this unexpected call that she has a duty of care to me and I am at risk of cardiac arrest.
She's waiting to hear back from my psychiatrist on guidance as what to do.
She doesn't want to put me in hospital although physically she has every right to evoke her authority over me and she knows I should be there to be medically stabilised.
If I die ultimately they do not blame the victim they blame the person that knew and should of acted but did not.
They do not blame the manufacturer of the bullet they blame the finger that pulled the trigger.
I had my interview.
It went rather smoothly considering.
I did take my seroquel before I went in so the butterfly's were in my tummy but my mind was subdued and only wanting sleep lol.
They asked generally questions and then behavioural questions where they ask a question and you have to describe a scenario and the outcome.
Then we had a role play phone call. Let's just say drama is not my strong point.
And then a tour of the office overlooking the picturesque waterfront. Oh man it was like something out of a movie I can see myself becoming a workaholic.
I find out if I get the job tomorrow. If I do I start next Wednesday.
What will I do with my endless Appointment? What will I do with my medication that's going to cost an arm and a leg?
Back to my gp to reception to get that darned $130 pathology bill sorted. The receptionist looked at me blankly asking what I wanted her to do. She rang me gp, who came out to see me. She told me I looked gorgeous! Then proceeded to scold me about my intake. Again asking what I wanted her to do. I said nothing. Her argument was looking at my observations if I collapse she's in the shit. So I told her to delete them. She said she couldn't now they were entered into the system. I told her to trust me. She told me she didn't. She also said she's going to talk to Peter this arvo because she hasn't caught him yet argh. It's now past 4pm though so I doubt anything'll happen in the next hour.
How can I be functioning attending interviews getting up in the morning getting dressed doing my make up, you know all that adult stuff, and STILL be in 'danger' like it just doesn't add up. I can't wrap my little head around it. Too tired to try.
I'll let you know if she calls. And I'll let you know tomorrow if I've got the job
Also my weights down again 400g (total 7.3kg 16.06lb 2.4 off my bmi!) this is all within less then a month!
Xx much love to my non-existent readers bec
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