YOLO peeps

Sometimes I skip meals just to see if I've still got it in me....I do, but when I engage in this behaviour my anorexia sucks me in like a worm hole! But yolo (you only live once).

Bitter sweet???

Short and bitter sweet

Bitter more so then sweet actually, I don't think there is an ounce of sweetness.

My community order was revoked and I landed myself back in prison hospital on Monday after I pulled out the NG tube...again on Sunday night. Which led to one of my biggest weeks. Everything ended up so messy! I was on a general acute ward to which I absconded from on Thursday and walked home where the police were called and I asked permission from my parents to die (Obviously they didn't give permission) and then I almost ended up in a locked psych ward!--that doesn't deal with EDs-- But somehow we've done a 360 and I was sent home on yet another community treatment order on Thursday.

My brain is so frazzled life seems messy and unbearable at the moment. I am trying so hard to not screw up if not for the sake of my own sanity for that of my parents.

Hiatus...

Well it's been about 5 maybe 6? Weeks since I last posted... I landed myself on a general acute medical ward. Stuffed with IVs and NG tubes

It's been a few days now that I've been home I have so much to tell you guys that the words of the events seem to be lost to the inconceivable

I'm on a CTO (community based treatment order) and Nasogastric tube feeding is in place at home whilst we still await a bed in RMH.

What more can I say? Everything is so up in the air at the moment. And the slightest thing could land me straight back in hospital I.e.two consecutive weight drops or tampering/removal of the NG tube. My life seems messy and in that whole time I only gained 1kg which I suppose is better then some but worse then others but apparently I've grown 3 extra centimetres (please explain? Wtf) putting my BMI at exactly the same as my admission

Each moment of my day so far is taken up with feeding tube feeding times an my brain screaming at me to "rip the god dang thing out!" The moment is getting closer...

Update: I pulled the tube out tonight at 6.30 I just couldn't handle the combustion of pressure built up in my head any longer (plus I have the flu so my head feels pretty ick anyhow)

Small achievements bring great happiness

Dizzy spells

And cockle shells 

All in a pretty row

Isn't it funny that being told your being sent back to prison the unit is enough to push you one way or the other, propel you into recovery or plummet you into a full blown relapse I chose the latter although I would sparsely use the word "chose" it's an innate behaviour and thought process lost in translation.

139hrs (day 6) since I last ate. 

(4.00)

Morning BMI 18.7 finally at my discharge weight. Goal before admission 16-16.3 (my weight usually drops by the afternoon when I weigh again after my bath 8ish for the second time)

I have the shakes the dizzies I'm cold and lethargic.

Just collapsed for the second time my 5 yr old brother saw! He just thinks I fell...and again for a third hitting my head on the wall :/

Made the kids breakfast and tried to make myself have ensure (didn't happen) and unpacked half the dishwasher before I was exhausted and had to lie down again.

I had horrible dreams last night reliving my friends death and funeral from 5 years ago and although she was dead she was sitting up waving blinking BREATHING! All the stuff that living people do! And then I was dreaming (or should I say having a nightmare) about going back to prison hospital and dreaming about all the foods I could cram into my mouth except with one fault- I can't. I wish I could get ONE full good nights sleep in *sighs*.

So I've been enjoying my walks fresh air and anorexias fleeting silence. But it is so exhausting when you haven't eaten for as long as I have and are so dehydrated you could pass as a cactus. My anorexia has devised a new plan of attack I can go for my walks which I think my heart is going to give way too and have a can of Pepsi max as a reward OR I can stay home and survive off water. How long do you think I could survive purely off water?

You know how I said I was having half a cup of Pepsi max yesterday? I managed a sip BUT I managed 300mls today :)

Still waiting

My days have started an awfully boring routine I seem to be unable to deviate from;

8-9.30 Wake up in the morning (or should I say get up my sleeping is so out of pattern)

10.30-11 to for a walk 4.7k give or take (and somewhere before here I slot in a weigh in)

12-1 arrive home and collapse on the couch careful not to get up too often because when your not careful the dizzies will jump out like the monster that lurke's under your bed

5 make the dogs dinner

6 mum will routinely ask if I'm eating with the family or if ill have an ensure to which I'll reply "no, maybe later" later never comes

7.30-8 have a bath soak in the water whichever temperature my body craves lately it's cold

8.30-9.30 go to bed 

12.30 and the restless sleepless night begins 

I really don't do a lot but I am running of reserves. And throughout the entire day I'm having conversations in my head like a crazy cat lady with Anorexia who delivers false hope and promises. 

Not a lot else to say really I've lost 6.55kg in the last month with 4.9 since December 30 my BMI has dropped from a healthy 21 to an underweight 18.9 (today). Today marks day 5 of no food and barely any water yes my body is going INSANE! But I just can't nourish it I sit there with an ensure and will myself to drink it but ended up tipping it down the sink in a flurry of tears not even able to get a sip in.

But today's accomplishment half a glass of Pepsi Max! (which is a start if nothing else I've been craving it like mad!) and being 500g away from my discharge weight 19/9 which I should meet tomorrow.

In other news I'm meeting one of my nurses (I met in hospital and nick named mumma-b) on Wednesday I'm excited and really nervous I'm petrified she'll think I'm fat so my aim is to lose another 1.9kg before then. We're just going to go somewhere quite like a park in the afternoon (after I've gone for my ridiculous walk that take everything out of me so this'll be interesting) because I can't handle people. 

I suppose this is really poorly articulated so I'll leave it there

Xxx Bec

Teeter tottering

Sleeping seems to have become a greater exercise. It's easier just to stay awake so I DON'T think about eating food, that I really haven't or replaying conversations about sending me back to prison the unit.

I've been teeter tottering the line of passing out I know my 'signs' dizzy shaky everything goes black I can't communicate and all sound evaporates into space. As the day has progressed so too have my hit and near misses.

Last night I begged my little sister not to tell my parents. And this morning the postie almost had to bare witness :/

My weight has dropped again placing my BMI at 19.1 one part of me is in complete rapture and the other, is bat shit scared. Also after discharge my heart rate say between 100-120 this morning it was at 76bpm!

Sorry this is such a nothing post I'm struggling to get simple things out like "the playground) I guess this is due to the starved state my body is in.

Xxx

What a D-isaster!

I couldn't sleep last night (4.5 hrs been awake since half past midnight) maybe because I was so empty I felt nauseous maybe because I knew the impending appointment was rapidly approaching maybe because I just could not switch my brain off! Whichever the reason the world was still spinning this morning.

I managed to get a weight check this morning when my parents went for a walk at 5.30am my BMI is now considered underweight! Just, 19.5 I'm still in rapture about this as the succession of the day has been ever so exhausting. Again I put this down to the fact I can barely manage to drink a cup of water and I'm counting ice cubes! Who does this?!

Well now on to the events of this mornings appointment;
He discussed putting me on an ITO because I'm "refusing treatment" (not letting him weigh me and only ever saying I'm ok I'm fine) and my "health is deteriorating" FUCK HIM sorry I'm just so angry and upset right now just finished And then he rubbed it in that I almost died last time LIKE I DIDNT KNOW BRAINIACK. And the minute I collapse (saying I get that far again) to take me straight to A&E where they'll section me arrrrggghhh he infuriates me so fucking much we just fight "I'm fine" "no your not"  "that's speculation word against word". He wanted me to at least see a gp weekly to check my vitals if I was going to refuse clinic, I said no way! He said he will also be talking to the unit weekly should only be a week or two wait for a bed (it's a tiny unit only 8 beds!) but he "doesn't want to send me there" if he doesn't have too please explain? What makes him 'have too'? He was the one who put me back on the list to begin with, not ME! 
                                                                                   -this was cut and paste from some txt messages

He wanted to get my parents to throw out the scales but I wouldn't let him as my parents 'need' them for their new fad diet. I wonder how long this one will last? The last one lasted maybe three days an I'm being generous. So the scales are here to stay.

On another note I've also been exercising a lot recently anywhere from 3-8k today was 4.7k and I am pooped! I've had barely half a cup of water and 2 ice cubes and haven't eaten since Monday night (plus 7 ice cubes yesterday and half a cup of water again). Lets just say anorexia locks me in a glass case and wraps around me like a silk scarf

What an eventful few days

Xxx