My ruby shoes

Wounds may heal 

Scars may fade

But memories remain

My dad picked me up this morning for weekend leave until Tuesday. I'm free! First port of call spontaneous piercing (my belly button) I'm quite happy but I won't post a picture as yet because well I feel 'fat' argh. But that should be sorted soon as I plan on fasting until I get sent back to hospital :)

I changed my Facebook picture to me and one of the other patients I've grown quite fond of and my dads first comment to me was "you both look like death warmed up" well needless to say I was quick smart to change that.

Anyway I'm out of pointless jibber jabber so I'll be off

Xxx Bec

Another day

So I handled yesterday's let down well with a little help from my friend ebay retail therapy from the confines of hospital today.

I'm busting to go home I have done everything expected of me to gain this privilege and yet I am petrified out of my skin about going home about failing (or succeeding) about coming back a failure at square one again which is the only option i see maybe then i will view myself as sick enough. Pfft who am I kidding I will NEVER be good enough sick enough blah blah blah

Thinking i might get my belly button pierced tomorrow for a bit of a change I'm feeling spontaneous

Xxx Bec

What a blow

Well I was desperately looking forward to gaining my freedom tomorrow but now that plans been blown out of the water because my lovely psychiatrist P is not in this week. So we're now looking at weekend leave and then discharge on a CTO early next week.

The prison hospital can't send me home without the appropriate paperwork done first. So now I have to make it through almost another week before I can throw my hands in the air and say enough! On a positive note I will get my favourite hospital dinner; curried tofu, Thursday night.

This still seems to be a big blow to me and unfair blow at it, I just want to go home, no pretending, no facade, and the all known not eating, just the real me, the anorexic me, the sick me, te unforgivable me!

Mum has said that I have to eat with the family when I come home I have no intention on following through and perhaps then I can validate myself perhaps then I can feel I deserve this place at the hospital, but perhaps again maybe not. Only time will tell...

"When life gets tough remember, you were the strongest sperm"

Another statistic

"...A third of all Anorexics stay sick forever. A third to a half will truly recover. The rest, stay on the brink of illness, living diminished lives: they have trouble keeping friends and holding down jobs; they cycle in and out of hospitals. They spend years on the outside looking in, unable to live fully or wholly." The estimated cycle time is 5 to 7 years. I think I fall into one of two categories the earlier or the latter. I already feel the pull and push of Anorexia's ways cycling in and out of hospitals swallowing colourful pills that are supposed to make me happy, ease the pain, live a life. But all in all failing to succeed.

My mood is down today, my hopes are high set on Thursday discharge. Another day set-up to begin my decent and ultimately my untimely failure, yet again.

I'm holding it all together but there are cracks I'm beginning to crack, but, I once heard a quote that said the cracks are a way to let in the light. I'm confused and conflicted. Where is the light? I'm running away or maybe I'm running too? Is the light really that evil? Am I that evil?

Cray cray for Thursday

Ward round proved a success!

My first act of semi freedom was downstairs for a chai latte, and they're looking at discharge on Thursday this week! --still not a guarantee-- Wow, that's all I can say is WoW!

Needless to say my parents are pulling their hair out. And me I'm plotting my return to the safety I know of as Anorexias tantalising poisonous arms.

UPDATE: Well I've now spoken to my parents and the reception was not good! Little less did I expect. My dad rang the hospital in a fit of despair whilst I sat listening to his furry in a flurry of tears. My dad is disappointed in the naivety of the team and I am baffled by the same naivety they exhibit.

Around we go again

Tomorrow is ward round day, again. Which I believe is just a trial of our anxiety or in my case my 'social phobia' and anxiety. Its a claustrophobic room with too many people to name but I'm going to try, a dietician, a social worker, a registrar, a resident, a psychiatrist, a nurse and usually a student too plus the individual. But for some strange reason I have been hanging out for ward round to come around again since Thursday ward round finished.

I'm crossing my fingers and toes plus anything else crossable that I will be taken off the ITO tomorrow and discharge myself in succession. But the likelihood is looking bleak, but, I can always hope and pray that's one thing no-one can take from me plus I don't understand why discharge couldn't be on the cards as I've followed all the guidelines to get me to that point.

My friend came up today after getting lost (she's geographically illiterate) which was a nice break up of the day but time flew and she was as quickly out the door as she was in. Tomorrow my dad's supposed to be making an appearance after two weeks family free I'm looking forward to it and dreading it all at once, I'm looking forward to seeing him but dreading him leaving me in this prison hospital. I can already see it playing out in my head the time for him will come and I will be hanging on to his leg begging and pleading with him not to leave me in prison hospital to take me home!

Challenges, Triumphs and Trials

Today has proved the most challenging day for too long to recall (That or the days all seem to merge into one a highly likely possibility).

My older sister  and her fiance came up to visit today which I haven't seen since early January when I was at my sickest in a long time. I was jittery and nervous about my grown physique although I found comfort and solstice in the fact that she said I still 'look anorexic'. She bought me a giant 80cm elephant teddy (for those of you who don't know I'm obsessed with elephants!)

Today also proved challenging because not only did I see my sister for the first time since re-entering 'recovery' but I bought a vanilla chai which a) I've never had before and b) was a deviation from my meal plan that I just wasn't ready for, its left my ED thoughts running rampant.

I'm really anxious about the approaching meal times, about the approaching food, about my impending discharge, I can't slow down my thoughts and I can't articulate them and holding myself together at the moment is proving a difficult task in itself.

My close friend is supposed to be coming up to visit tomorrow and my dad is supposed to succeed that on either Monday or Tuesday and I'm hoping by Thursday I'm discharged. A girl can hope, right? In other news my sisters expecting a baby. GUESS WHO'S GOING TO BE AN AUNTY!?

Meet Guss the Elephant

Xxx Bec