What a day

Fear food of the day...milk. Looks like I'll be eating my porridge from here on out with water :(. So that means I am yet again scared of bread, milk and potatoes. My fears increase as my 'safe' foods decrease.

Today we ventured our way up to melbourne to see North Melbourne (afl team) train I only agreed to go to immerse myself in civilisation otherwise I'm going to end up holed up in my house a reject of society. My anxiety is slowly peaking so I'm resorting back to my happy drug; Lorazapam. And yes that means I blew off my friends today with the good old excuse *cough cough* "I'm sick". It just felt...safer.

Small pleasure of the day though was soaking up the spring sun and the footy atmosphere but oh.my.god.SO.many.people!

I am supposed to be in recovery I'm at a 'healthy' weight and haven't hated my body more. It has never really felt like I've been in recovery as I've always dabbled in eating disordered behaviour. When my AN takes hold I make goal weights and for the first time in a long time...I've made them

GW1: 70kg- 154pounds (My only guess is that i weigh more then this although I don't actually know)
GW2: 68kg- 149pounds
GW3: 61- 134pounds (My 'safe' weight)
GW4: 58kg- 127pounds
GW5: 56kg- 123pounds
GW6: 54kg- 119pounds
GW7: 51kg- 112pounds (My 'safe' weight)

I will leave you again with a few pictures that sum up the day

Favorite player #2: Ben brown (My dad calls him baby giraffe)

 My signed cap I got for free

My favorite player #1: Mason Wood aka My boyfriend ;)

Enjoying a coffee in the car ride up

UPDATE: I was going to get a gym membership today but my mum wasn't happy at all she gave me the third degree. My dad then signed in the background wait until Monday I think...I hope, he's going to try and bring her round 

Calories and cooking

I'm finding myself quite obsessed with calories again. After a year of (barely any) calorie counting I'm methodically planning my days ahead and fearing meals being any more then 300-400calories again! It's so tiering mentally and takes up way too much of my time I have barely any time for anything else. 

In other news I'm meeting up with friends tomorrow and we're supposed to be cooking I have found I am really enjoying cooking again but with other people....it just freaks the shit out of me! And then, I'm supposed to be meeting another friend for afternoon tea and I just can't bring myself to eat in public or even with her (she's had AN) I'm just too scared of how she'll judge me in her head (even though i know she is the kindest person and would never judge me ESPECIALLY not over my Anorexia).

I got a new cookbook yesterday on vegetarianism and I'm excited to lead a new healthier lifestyle that abides by my morals. I don't believe in the on slaughter of innocent animals. I'm waiting until next Thursday so I have a week to plan for it and prepare myself with all the knowledge there is on how to make sure I don't get vitamin and mineral deficient... again.

Job well done

I had an OP appointment. It went surprisingly well. My psychiatrist even shook my hand and told me I was doing a "job well done". Little does he know how much I've cut back regardless of how often I'm eating. Nor does my dad realise. I have slowly cut back from 1,796-2,696calories a day *cringes* to a measly 1000 (928 to be precise)-764calories a day. I know this isn't enough to sustain myself but I also know I can't continue to live this way feeling the way I do!

He says the conditions of my CTO are as follows;
-I have to engage with my psychologist weekly
-I have to engage with my gp as often as she sees fit
And the worst condition that I DO NOT agree too is;
-I have to get weighed regularly by either my gp or psychologist and I can choose either to see or not see this number. THE NUMBER THAT DICTATES MY LIFE KNOWN OR NOT!!!

As long as my weight doesn't dramatically drop I stay out of hospital. Apparently it's ok if it steadily drops though. Confusion much? I think so.

I'm looking at getting a gym membership later this week with my dads approval. What am I 12? No I'm 18 and STILL need approval. No doubt it will fuel my Anorexia but, but I just feel like a SLOB!

Anyway I'll leave it with a few pictures

Not much has been consuming my days except when I get the motivation I crochet a little. I started this blanket 3 wks ago in hospital and I am very proud of my efforts so far.

I have also found myself retreating to the kitchen again for the first time in over a year! In the past week I have made chocolate crackles, honey joys, Jaffa fudge, Caramel slice (Pictured) and picklets.

life out of hospital=chaos

I've been home 8 days and had a whole 2 to myself. Life out of hospital is so chaotic and taxing mentally and physically I'm still busy until saturday then I have all the time in the world as nothing is planned.

Today consisted of the whole day at one of my friends houses with another two friends it also consisted of cooking! something i haven't done in SO long it just sent my anxiety sky rocketing. But i restrained myself when it came to 'taste testing'.

My mum saw my lunch that i packed of 3 rice crackers and later told me that to be enough for a meal i need to eat 8! thats 190 calories a whole 95 more then i planned for. I told her she read the packet wrong. Which to my credit she did. But, i think my parents are getting suss.

Tomorrow is pay day and i am highly considering getting a gym membership which i know will ring alarm bells but i honestly only want to use it purely for health reasons i have no plans to abuse it and have even suggested my dad join with me just to keep it to a minimum. I really just like the feel good endorphins exercising emits.

Anyway its just a short one from me today xx

I'm back, OP, GP, new meal plan (my meal plan)

So it's official, I'm back! I always turn to you guys when AN slithers her way into my brain like someone sneaking under your bed sheets.

I just went safe food shopping. Hopefully it slows an outright relapse but I'm not filled with lots of confidence. They didn't have the 31.5cal rice cakes I wanted so I had to get the 47.5cal ones it sent my an into a fuzz!

So the meal plan is;
Breakfast-100g yoghurt 39cal
Lunch- 3 s&v rice cakes 95cal
Dinner- whatever mum cooks (about) 600cal
Total-734cals

Damn I hope I can lose weight on this if not, shits gonna hit the fan and bounce off again >.<

Also I had an OP appointment I told her I was being reserved in regards to AN and she was ok with that and didn't do much pushing. I told her I refuse to be weighed blind or not because I believe it dictates my recovery too much she wasn't to keen on that idea but what can they do they can't pick me up and put me on the scales. She said it won't change our therapeutic relationship and she wouldn't mind if I steadily dropped her only concern would be if I say lost 5kg in a wk. I don't believe her. 

Apparently I also need to see a gp weekly again too but as my usual one is away she's making me see someone new, someone I don't want to see! 

I outright lied about my intake saying I was having 3 ensures a day along with meals and I told her I want to start exercising again her only concern was that I'd do it just for ed related purposes dah why else would I exercise? -.- the naivety or the trust?

I also told her about my blog and how therapeutic it was to me to have somewhere to write all the shit down she asked if it was completely anonymous to which it basically is she asked if people comment i practically squawked "no! I only have four followers" maybe one day. But for today i managed to contain myself.

Sorry this is so higgledee-piggledee its been a long morning spent mostly at the hospital with my little brother (asthma playing up) and I'm going to meet a friend (who has battled and is in recovery from AN) too make matters worse she offered to have arvo tea with me OMG NO is what my head screamed and its practically what i said!

complicated patient you'll be back?

Got a letter in the mail. My discharge summary.

It read "Gp follow up requested; thankyou for your ongoing care of Rebecca, who was recently discharged after a lengthy admission related to her anorexia Nervosa. Her discharge occurred quickly following a decision of the mental health tribunal, which decided she should be on a community treatment order. Plans regarding further follow up will be made, and your ongoing support regarding this complicated patient is much appreciated, as there are concerns she will return to her attempts to lose weight on discharge"

A) they called me a "complicated patient" :O I am shocked and flabbergasted I didn't realise they could judge me like that!

B) "as there are concerns she will return to her attempts to lose weight on discharge" they have so much faith in me again flabbergasted wtf does no one think I can recover?! I knew they were worried i'd be "back in two weeks" but still! I've made it a week now to prove these bastards wrong!

I'm at day 6 of being home and after trying this whole recovery thing...again ! The wheels are starting to fall off as anorexia slithers her way into my brain. AGAIN! I don't know what to do I meet with my team tomorrow but there's not a hope of opening up after 9 admissions in the last year any decline to them is enough to send me back to the loony bin especially being on a CTO. And I'm not in a mood to risk it.

I'm fighting going on a pure liquid diet. Oh the joys.

In other news I'm now looking at deferring my course (if i get accepted) and instead of moving home or moving interstate I'm looking at moving country to live on an exchange program with our swedish friends for 6-12mths its all very exciting and motivational to get better but in a strange sense also all i can think is i'll be free with my anorexia. WHY DOES ANOREXIA RUIN EVERYTHING!?!? and in the meantime i just have to keep plodding along eating and engaging with my treating team -_-'

Oh and apparently I have BPD traits as i hear a "female voice" inside my head... for those of you who don't understand this.is.my.Anorexia, makes me think dr's are so fucking ignorant! Anorexia NOT BPD!!!

10 weeks feels like 10 years

I'm home.... again. I was discharged on a CTO today except the CTO isn't in place as there are no conditions as of yet to when a readmission would be necessary. I'll take a stab in the dark and say when my weight/bmi reaches x or if i stop eating/drinking. Thats just me going on the basis of other CTO's.

I'm looking at transferring my care to Melbourne they have better facilities and if i have to be readmitted that's where I'd like to go if I'm really going to give this recovery shit a go but in accordance with the last 3 years i don't think ill be trying 'recovery' any time soon.

I have a house inspection tomorrow and if all goes well i could have my own place in the next 2-3weeks

Honestly what more can i say the last 10 weeks has felt like 10 years it felt like i was living in a nightmare with endless nasogastric tubes and meaningless meetings countless cries over food just being left in my room to tempt me (and ultimately fail)

I am however looking to the future enrolling in my bachelor of nursing for 2014 nurse bec here I come ;) I've spent long enough in hospitals now to know how they work its my turn to be on the other side of the fence.