Another boring day in John Cade we have progressed forward to turning our nurses into cleaners. Yes I did just say cleaners. My morning contact nurse was so bored she decided to clean my computer its now white again yay it kept her busy for 30 minutes and I ended up with a happy product at the end.
Other then that it's been a quiet non eventful kind of day. Some of the girls here have been going to court the last few days over legal issues (obviously) and thankfully all went well for them in particular one girl whose studying law and had her suing overturned she just has to write apology letters and be a good girl. Which I was happy for her about all those years studying not gone to waste over a silly little issue.
Last night I was finding it particularly hard I was thinking about discharging myself today (this is what being taken off a section does to me) packing my stuff and just walking out proving to them all I'm not ready for change but, I want to go back to school so I have to be ready for change no ifs or buts. Although my Anorexia wants nothing more then for me to sink my teeth into it yet again no matter what ambitions I have in mind. Anorexia is more powerful and dominating then any other thought I poses. It doesn't discriminate and reminds me how manic and good at school i was when i was at my sickest it tells me I'm invincible and can do anything... with its help of course.
As the day progresses the Anorexic thoughts intensify and reach a crescendo inside my brain a berating drill sergeant that's words reverberate inside the empty walls of my mind for just one second I would like to not have a preoccupation with anorexia, food I'm eating (or not eating), drinks I'm drinking (or not drinking), exercise I should be doing, restricting I should be doing etc etc etc. I'm just plain over it.
It's no longer about image, perfectionism, stubbornness, power or rebellion. It's about death
UPDATE: It's amazing how the small things make the greatest of difference to my mind set I've been focusing on school next year as I've been accepted to do my year 12 although it has my brain in a frazzel about what courses I do. Well I just got even better news! How? our swedish friend offered me to come back with her next year for an exchange program I am still very keen I have 1.5months to prove I'm ready. This is the best incentive I'm just waiting to hear my dads opinion before I go ahead and try to organise it...again.
Friday, 14 November 2014
Thursday, 13 November 2014
Happy Days
The illumines ward round dawned on me today. It was supposed to be a good ward round as I didn't have to go in. Then the nurse came out put a spin on things and said that the team wanted to speak to me. Anxiety rose to the temperature of boiling water it overflowed and I couldn't stop myself from wriggling my legs the whole time, but not all was bad in actual fact it was a good outcome! They overturned my section because they knew they were going to lose at the hearing on Wednesday. I get a 15 minute unsupervised break downstairs (banana chai come at me bro) I'm allowed to do take-away tonight but I REALLY don't want to because it's a waste of money and the meals end up being ten times bigger then a normal hospital hot meal and I don't think I could handle the anxiety although the team seem to think it will be beneficial I think not its a forbidden food.
So I had my 15 minutes (shhh it was 20 minutes) downstairs. The other patient I went down with had a smoke offered me one which I as the good girl I am ;) declined. Instead I settled for a banana chai latte and man was it amazing it was mind blowing how much I enjoyed it! I was actually able to drink the whole thing and I still felt incredible levels of guilt BUT I survived! Another lesson that food/beverages won't actually kill me like my eating disorder tells me it will evidence that ED is a liar. I just hope it gets easier.
I'm still planning on returning to my Anorexia when I get out of here (discharge date has stayed at December 4th). My parents are worried I will discharge myself early and they are quite possibly correct I don't know if I will be discharged on a CTO but I can hope not I will ask at ward round on monday what the go is. But honestly its not going to matter if I stay here two weeks (two weeks today) or five weeks my mentality isn't changing and to recover from anorexia that is what has to change eating isn't the be all and end all of recovery it is majoritvley about mentality.
I have decided to challenge myself and have takeaway its Thai night... I've NEVER eaten thai so I'm in a pickle I looked at the menu and had a mini breakdown but I settled for Patt thai with no chilli. Dinner just finished and surprise surprise I'm still breathing and my heart still beating. But, it was a let down it was bland and boring no colour and no flavour and just a whole big anxiety provoking event. After dinner my anxiety is now sky high and I don't feel like I can eat again it's a vicious cycle maybe I should just discharge myself. Jesus I've been off the section less then 24hrs and shit's already about to hit the fan.
There's a girl here that I've really clicked with she was admitted with a BMI of 12 she looks deathly sick skeletal sick. How is this of any relevance well on my first admission I was admitted with a BMI of 12 and I swear to god I did NOT look anywhere near as sick as she looks! But maybe thats just my distorted view (it probably is) but it's scary and such a wake up call!
So I had my 15 minutes (shhh it was 20 minutes) downstairs. The other patient I went down with had a smoke offered me one which I as the good girl I am ;) declined. Instead I settled for a banana chai latte and man was it amazing it was mind blowing how much I enjoyed it! I was actually able to drink the whole thing and I still felt incredible levels of guilt BUT I survived! Another lesson that food/beverages won't actually kill me like my eating disorder tells me it will evidence that ED is a liar. I just hope it gets easier.
I'm still planning on returning to my Anorexia when I get out of here (discharge date has stayed at December 4th). My parents are worried I will discharge myself early and they are quite possibly correct I don't know if I will be discharged on a CTO but I can hope not I will ask at ward round on monday what the go is. But honestly its not going to matter if I stay here two weeks (two weeks today) or five weeks my mentality isn't changing and to recover from anorexia that is what has to change eating isn't the be all and end all of recovery it is majoritvley about mentality.
I have decided to challenge myself and have takeaway its Thai night... I've NEVER eaten thai so I'm in a pickle I looked at the menu and had a mini breakdown but I settled for Patt thai with no chilli. Dinner just finished and surprise surprise I'm still breathing and my heart still beating. But, it was a let down it was bland and boring no colour and no flavour and just a whole big anxiety provoking event. After dinner my anxiety is now sky high and I don't feel like I can eat again it's a vicious cycle maybe I should just discharge myself. Jesus I've been off the section less then 24hrs and shit's already about to hit the fan.
There's a girl here that I've really clicked with she was admitted with a BMI of 12 she looks deathly sick skeletal sick. How is this of any relevance well on my first admission I was admitted with a BMI of 12 and I swear to god I did NOT look anywhere near as sick as she looks! But maybe thats just my distorted view (it probably is) but it's scary and such a wake up call!
Wednesday, 12 November 2014
Another busy day in JC
Family therapy... What can I say? In three words; waste of time. No. I shouldn't be so negative it was productive... kind of... They read out a letter my little sister wrote which stated she felt guilty for helping me in my eating disorder by eating my food and that she's scared I won't wake up in the morning she thinks hospital and an NGT are the best things for me. Needless to say I cried. We all cried.
Everyone wants this vicious cycle to end but how can it when lets face it I'm getting little to no meal support here expected to eat and not feel an overwhelming amount of guilt and betrayal. The psychiatrist in here is a narcissistic bitch anyway so I really just don't get the point.
Sometimes I question why I do the things I do is it a deep seated wish for attention? I think not its a wish for perfectionism improving myself and gaining an aspect of control and happiness into my life. It is not in spite of the ones I love and it is not rebelling against the system. It is a mental illness that makes you believe you are in full control even when you become so medically compromised you have no way to deny the fact that you are actually sick.
I'm praying for discharge so I can return to my eating disorder even if I've put in all the hard yards over the last five weeks none of it seems worth it. What am I actually gaining from this whole experience? Guilt, shame, disgust, self loathing and of course where would I be without my lovely amazing friends sitting there right beside me rooting me on to "smash it" at every meal. But in terms of recovering I'm at a standstill. I'm in this too and fro tug of war inside my mind. I'm at a place where I'm eating to get out of the system to return home to not eat to return back to the system that is so drastically failing my family friends and I.
On a positive note I found out I can do my year 12 through distance education next year which I am very excited about I used to love school I was good at it! But now comes the dilemma of choosing the subjects I will dominate in and will help me arrive at my final destination (A uni course).
The illumines ward round comes around again tomorrow and I'm yet again not handing in a sheet of paper I feel my voice is not heard or listened to so I just don't care anymore they will either discharge me or keep me in this prison one way or another it won't matter what I say.
My friend has been accepted into the private clinic but she's coming up with every excuse under the sun not to take up the bed I think she's insane not to take it up but I'm not fighting with her I'm just tired of this round about way. This stupid cycle we are both stuck in surely the clinic has got to be better then here she's not an hour away from friends and family and a familiar environment with dead set recovery like minded people and she doesn't have ridiculous visiting hours AND she's already working with the same team she would be working with in the hospital! I just don't get it but I'm sick of telling here she's worth recovery she doesn't listen maybe I should try reverse psychology?
Everyone wants this vicious cycle to end but how can it when lets face it I'm getting little to no meal support here expected to eat and not feel an overwhelming amount of guilt and betrayal. The psychiatrist in here is a narcissistic bitch anyway so I really just don't get the point.
Sometimes I question why I do the things I do is it a deep seated wish for attention? I think not its a wish for perfectionism improving myself and gaining an aspect of control and happiness into my life. It is not in spite of the ones I love and it is not rebelling against the system. It is a mental illness that makes you believe you are in full control even when you become so medically compromised you have no way to deny the fact that you are actually sick.
I'm praying for discharge so I can return to my eating disorder even if I've put in all the hard yards over the last five weeks none of it seems worth it. What am I actually gaining from this whole experience? Guilt, shame, disgust, self loathing and of course where would I be without my lovely amazing friends sitting there right beside me rooting me on to "smash it" at every meal. But in terms of recovering I'm at a standstill. I'm in this too and fro tug of war inside my mind. I'm at a place where I'm eating to get out of the system to return home to not eat to return back to the system that is so drastically failing my family friends and I.
On a positive note I found out I can do my year 12 through distance education next year which I am very excited about I used to love school I was good at it! But now comes the dilemma of choosing the subjects I will dominate in and will help me arrive at my final destination (A uni course).
The illumines ward round comes around again tomorrow and I'm yet again not handing in a sheet of paper I feel my voice is not heard or listened to so I just don't care anymore they will either discharge me or keep me in this prison one way or another it won't matter what I say.
My friend has been accepted into the private clinic but she's coming up with every excuse under the sun not to take up the bed I think she's insane not to take it up but I'm not fighting with her I'm just tired of this round about way. This stupid cycle we are both stuck in surely the clinic has got to be better then here she's not an hour away from friends and family and a familiar environment with dead set recovery like minded people and she doesn't have ridiculous visiting hours AND she's already working with the same team she would be working with in the hospital! I just don't get it but I'm sick of telling here she's worth recovery she doesn't listen maybe I should try reverse psychology?
Tuesday, 11 November 2014
My motto; eat to get out not stay out
Lesson learnt as you've heard me say many times before it's eat to get out not eat to stay out I'm dying inside but nobody here cares what your feeling as long as your eating 100%. So it looks like my eating disorder cognition and behaviours won't be changing anytime soon. I know this is my fight and I have to fight it but with little support I don't see the point when I can be getting skinnier and inevitably happier on the outside. I'm counting down the days until my initial discharge date (23days).
I forgot what this place was like I honestly thought it would be better then the Swanston centre if my memory served me correctly its a specialist unit for christ's sake, but it seems I was disillusioned the nurses push you to eat and if you don't your "childish" and need to "grow up" my eating disorder is disregarded and disbelieved and put down to teenage "rebellion"
I get made to feel even more worthless more like my illness doesn't exist like I am not cared for like my problems are pity and non existent. This is just a waste of five weeks of the teams, my parents, my friends and my time! I'm planning my fall from grace the minute I leave this place. Nobody here cares about me really it's their job to make our meals and supervise what your eating and document it but meal support is non existent we get drugged up and that's supposed to be enough. It's not fixing anything or helping us work through and deal with the underlying causes for our eating disorders.
We are put on the back burner a burden on society and the unit. At least they get paid to do nothing for us mentally. So much for a mental health unit. The structure of the program is in dire need of reconsideration otherwise we're all just going to continue this cycle and continue to be 'Institutionalised' BECAUSE LETS FACE IT THEY'RE NOT HELPING!!!
I appealed my section yesterday and was given a hearing date today for next wednesday I'm now reconsidering it maybe I should just stick this shit hole out. I guess the tribunal will make the decision that they believe is in my best interest they are the one part of this system I haven't lost all hope in. I kind of want to stick the program out prove to everyone I'm not a waste of time and space even if that means I have to come back later down the track hopefully this time I can just have a restricted diet rather then a starvation diet? Oh who cares... I sure don't.
Here's a song I feel I really relate to today I hope you find it as relatable as me (I have just copied out the words I relate to most but the video link is below). Another positive is a) I don't have to have the injection as long as I'm eating 100% by thursday and b) I got a goodies parcel from my friend which included fun little things to pass the time.
Xx stay strong beautifuls
"How did I get myself into all of this mess?
How did I end up with this deadly home address?
How did I come to this, where every song I sing
Is nothing but a list of pain and suffering?
...
We fought hard not to die, yet we don’t know how to live
How do we change our world to what we want it to be?
How do we move beyond all of this misery?
One foot in front of the other foot
In front of the one foot in front of the other foot
I’ve been in chains since I was nothing but a kid
We don’t know freedom, not quite sure that we ever did
Now that we have it, how will we make use of it?
We’ve been committed — now to what do we all commit?
I used to have a home, now I don’t even have a name
I’m nothing but a number, here we are all the same
We’ve lost so much, so many of those we love are dead
How do I get these memories out of my fucking head?
...
How do we bear this burden, far too much to carry?
How do we change our prison to a sanctuary?
We’ve been kept from the light, no one ever gave a damn
If I’ve no one to fight, how do I know who I am?
...
...
But just because we live does not mean that we’re alive
We’ve won the final round, but how to enjoy the win
When we’ve been broken down and we’ll never know what could have been
Heaven help us, where do we begin?" -Emilie Autumn
I forgot what this place was like I honestly thought it would be better then the Swanston centre if my memory served me correctly its a specialist unit for christ's sake, but it seems I was disillusioned the nurses push you to eat and if you don't your "childish" and need to "grow up" my eating disorder is disregarded and disbelieved and put down to teenage "rebellion"
I get made to feel even more worthless more like my illness doesn't exist like I am not cared for like my problems are pity and non existent. This is just a waste of five weeks of the teams, my parents, my friends and my time! I'm planning my fall from grace the minute I leave this place. Nobody here cares about me really it's their job to make our meals and supervise what your eating and document it but meal support is non existent we get drugged up and that's supposed to be enough. It's not fixing anything or helping us work through and deal with the underlying causes for our eating disorders.
We are put on the back burner a burden on society and the unit. At least they get paid to do nothing for us mentally. So much for a mental health unit. The structure of the program is in dire need of reconsideration otherwise we're all just going to continue this cycle and continue to be 'Institutionalised' BECAUSE LETS FACE IT THEY'RE NOT HELPING!!!
I appealed my section yesterday and was given a hearing date today for next wednesday I'm now reconsidering it maybe I should just stick this shit hole out. I guess the tribunal will make the decision that they believe is in my best interest they are the one part of this system I haven't lost all hope in. I kind of want to stick the program out prove to everyone I'm not a waste of time and space even if that means I have to come back later down the track hopefully this time I can just have a restricted diet rather then a starvation diet? Oh who cares... I sure don't.
Here's a song I feel I really relate to today I hope you find it as relatable as me (I have just copied out the words I relate to most but the video link is below). Another positive is a) I don't have to have the injection as long as I'm eating 100% by thursday and b) I got a goodies parcel from my friend which included fun little things to pass the time.
Xx stay strong beautifuls
"How did I get myself into all of this mess?
How did I end up with this deadly home address?
How did I come to this, where every song I sing
Is nothing but a list of pain and suffering?
...
We fought hard not to die, yet we don’t know how to live
How do we change our world to what we want it to be?
How do we move beyond all of this misery?
One foot in front of the other foot
In front of the one foot in front of the other foot
I’ve been in chains since I was nothing but a kid
We don’t know freedom, not quite sure that we ever did
Now that we have it, how will we make use of it?
We’ve been committed — now to what do we all commit?
I used to have a home, now I don’t even have a name
I’m nothing but a number, here we are all the same
We’ve lost so much, so many of those we love are dead
How do I get these memories out of my fucking head?
...
How do we bear this burden, far too much to carry?
How do we change our prison to a sanctuary?
We’ve been kept from the light, no one ever gave a damn
If I’ve no one to fight, how do I know who I am?
...
...
But just because we live does not mean that we’re alive
We’ve won the final round, but how to enjoy the win
When we’ve been broken down and we’ll never know what could have been
Heaven help us, where do we begin?" -Emilie Autumn
I've also been listening to Anna Graceman- 'words' and 'time machine'
Sunday, 9 November 2014
100% Over this shit
As quickly as it finished it was back again. I'm talking Ward round people. And boy was it a disaster my feedback sheet majority says "Unable to discuss" because lets face it I went in there with my heart on the line begging to go home telling them they don't understand or listen to me and that the voice in my head is far too strong and loud.
Their solution I eat 100% between now and Thursday and we revisit the idea of discharge (But knowing my luck revisiting does not mean discharging) I am totally and utterly desperate I can NOT stay here until December 4th. My dad thinks its a piece of cake (pun intended) well I'm here to tell him he is completely wrong! I am dying mentally I swear I have lost about half my brain cells in here watching trash T.V. I'm even more scared that judith (the psychiatrist consultant in charge) has just said that to make me feel better whilst she secretly intends on making me fat.
The dr caught up with me again today he's only worked here a week and seen me 3 times! Apparently judith and the team have decided to put my on some anti psychotic injection once a week... I refused. I't not happening in this lifetime or the next. He's adamant I'm having it and have no choice as I'm sectioned I think they take advantage of this too much and as I said before it's not happening! Apparently I need it because oral meds aren't working and I am "clearly very unwell". I think he's spinning shit
After ward round I was very distressed and had a half hearted attempt at running away (I sat out the front of the hospital sobbing) before I ventured back inside to see the nurse waiting for me. I came back of my own accord. I did however ring my dad and beg him to pick me up which he said no to as he would get 'locked up'. Again I became very distraught.
As I type to you I am on the phone to get legal aid to help me overturn the section.
It's my sisters 15th birthday today and I'm missing out because I'm stuck in this shit hole. Pray for Thursday
Their solution I eat 100% between now and Thursday and we revisit the idea of discharge (But knowing my luck revisiting does not mean discharging) I am totally and utterly desperate I can NOT stay here until December 4th. My dad thinks its a piece of cake (pun intended) well I'm here to tell him he is completely wrong! I am dying mentally I swear I have lost about half my brain cells in here watching trash T.V. I'm even more scared that judith (the psychiatrist consultant in charge) has just said that to make me feel better whilst she secretly intends on making me fat.
The dr caught up with me again today he's only worked here a week and seen me 3 times! Apparently judith and the team have decided to put my on some anti psychotic injection once a week... I refused. I't not happening in this lifetime or the next. He's adamant I'm having it and have no choice as I'm sectioned I think they take advantage of this too much and as I said before it's not happening! Apparently I need it because oral meds aren't working and I am "clearly very unwell". I think he's spinning shit
After ward round I was very distressed and had a half hearted attempt at running away (I sat out the front of the hospital sobbing) before I ventured back inside to see the nurse waiting for me. I came back of my own accord. I did however ring my dad and beg him to pick me up which he said no to as he would get 'locked up'. Again I became very distraught.
As I type to you I am on the phone to get legal aid to help me overturn the section.
It's my sisters 15th birthday today and I'm missing out because I'm stuck in this shit hole. Pray for Thursday
What is 'Recovery'
Well yesterday arvo I got my shit together I pulled up my socks stopped sulking around feeling sorry for myself and put in the hard yards to start eating again. Afternoon tea, dinner, supper, breakfast, morning tea and lunch have all been a big success. Hell I'm not saying it has been easy but if there is only one thing I've learnt about hospital its that to get your own way (in my situation to get discharged) you have to comply then, then the choice is yours to relapse or continue to 'recover'.
I know I throw that word around a lot but what is recovery? What does it feel like? What does it look like? What is recovery??? Will I ever be fully recovered??? The dictionary states that recovery is a "return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength" I don't believe I have ever truly conquered this state of being I am always stuck in a state of limbo eating enough to be considered normal and stay out of hospital or eating nothing at all and swearing "I'm fine" when its clear that I am physically suffering. And somehow my body is becoming much better equipped to deal with my sustained periods of starvation.
It's a merry-go-round I fear I will never get off. I don't contain the strength or mentality to nib Anorexia in the butt once and for all. I fantasies about a life without anorexia I let it tantalise me for a few moments and then like a wave of smoke it disintegrates into the air like it was never there before. I wonder about all the things I could accomplish if I wasn't so obsessed and entwined with my illness I would accomplish many great things. But without my illness I wouldn't be me my Anorexia is my identity or at least thats how it feels everyone knows me as Bec-the-sick-anorexic not Bec-the-smart-intellegent-bright-bubbly-younglady-with-a-lifetime-in-front-of-her.
Tomorrow brings yet another ward round. Mondays we go in and see the team unlike Thursdays where the nurses convey what we ask them to. I'm nervous about going in but I want to go in I want my voice heard I want to be discharged (but I'm worried after my mishap yesterday I will have blown that chance and proved I can't recover) and if they don't discharge me I am filing for an application for revocation I am not staying here an extra 3 and a half weeks to know that the minute i get out all my hard work will unravel like a ball of wool. Why waste 3 weeks of their time and three weeks of my time I'm not learning anything new I'm just being monitored so my physical health doesn't decline but the minute I'm out we all know the ball gets thrown up in the air so, whats the point of all this? To keep my parents happy that's the point. But recovering has to be wanted by me for me and lets face it it's not. My parents are the be all and end all for me.
I'm feeling like a blimp today I'm sick of this fat feeling I can't wait to get out of here and lose weight it's all I live for but this time I have to try and eat a little something rather then just going cold turkey we all know where that lands me...
I know I throw that word around a lot but what is recovery? What does it feel like? What does it look like? What is recovery??? Will I ever be fully recovered??? The dictionary states that recovery is a "return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength" I don't believe I have ever truly conquered this state of being I am always stuck in a state of limbo eating enough to be considered normal and stay out of hospital or eating nothing at all and swearing "I'm fine" when its clear that I am physically suffering. And somehow my body is becoming much better equipped to deal with my sustained periods of starvation.
It's a merry-go-round I fear I will never get off. I don't contain the strength or mentality to nib Anorexia in the butt once and for all. I fantasies about a life without anorexia I let it tantalise me for a few moments and then like a wave of smoke it disintegrates into the air like it was never there before. I wonder about all the things I could accomplish if I wasn't so obsessed and entwined with my illness I would accomplish many great things. But without my illness I wouldn't be me my Anorexia is my identity or at least thats how it feels everyone knows me as Bec-the-sick-anorexic not Bec-the-smart-intellegent-bright-bubbly-younglady-with-a-lifetime-in-front-of-her.
Tomorrow brings yet another ward round. Mondays we go in and see the team unlike Thursdays where the nurses convey what we ask them to. I'm nervous about going in but I want to go in I want my voice heard I want to be discharged (but I'm worried after my mishap yesterday I will have blown that chance and proved I can't recover) and if they don't discharge me I am filing for an application for revocation I am not staying here an extra 3 and a half weeks to know that the minute i get out all my hard work will unravel like a ball of wool. Why waste 3 weeks of their time and three weeks of my time I'm not learning anything new I'm just being monitored so my physical health doesn't decline but the minute I'm out we all know the ball gets thrown up in the air so, whats the point of all this? To keep my parents happy that's the point. But recovering has to be wanted by me for me and lets face it it's not. My parents are the be all and end all for me.
I'm feeling like a blimp today I'm sick of this fat feeling I can't wait to get out of here and lose weight it's all I live for but this time I have to try and eat a little something rather then just going cold turkey we all know where that lands me...
Saturday, 8 November 2014
down the rabbit hole
Unfortunately this morning things took a turn for the worse and I wasn't strong enough to push through. Breakfast, morning tea and lunch were all a fail and I don't think I can handle eating today or tomorrow or the next. It was quite nicely bought to my attention I'm sectioned and therefore they have to call a psych reg if I refuse to eat to review me and decide if the tube has to go back in :''( I'm such a failure why do I always have to fuck up!?
Today my friend ella made the hour long trek up to see me and take me downstairs for a little time off the ward it felt amazing to sit there soaking up the sun. She bought me a banana chai something I have been HANGING for but stupid anorexic me couldn't drink it and had to throw the whole thing away (without her noticing it was full) I felt awful! That is my goal to get back on track so I can drink banana chai so i can go on holiday in january so i can go home for forever so I can feel and be NORMAL!
Well I just met with the psych reg which was a pointless waste of my and his time he basically said there's nothing he can do at the moment and to just keep an eye on my obs, which are declining I'm beginning to get a postural drop again and to review me at ward round on Monday.
I have decided to contest my section I was doing fine at home I don't want to be here anymore! Considering just walking out the front door I'm that sick of this place so fed up i know my parents want the best for me but being in here surrounded by underweight girls is triggering I have never felt this triggered within this environment ever before (except when ella and I are in hospital together)
Today my friend ella made the hour long trek up to see me and take me downstairs for a little time off the ward it felt amazing to sit there soaking up the sun. She bought me a banana chai something I have been HANGING for but stupid anorexic me couldn't drink it and had to throw the whole thing away (without her noticing it was full) I felt awful! That is my goal to get back on track so I can drink banana chai so i can go on holiday in january so i can go home for forever so I can feel and be NORMAL!
Well I just met with the psych reg which was a pointless waste of my and his time he basically said there's nothing he can do at the moment and to just keep an eye on my obs, which are declining I'm beginning to get a postural drop again and to review me at ward round on Monday.
I have decided to contest my section I was doing fine at home I don't want to be here anymore! Considering just walking out the front door I'm that sick of this place so fed up i know my parents want the best for me but being in here surrounded by underweight girls is triggering I have never felt this triggered within this environment ever before (except when ella and I are in hospital together)
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