Family therapy... What can I say? In three words; waste of time. No. I shouldn't be so negative it was productive... kind of... They read out a letter my little sister wrote which stated she felt guilty for helping me in my eating disorder by eating my food and that she's scared I won't wake up in the morning she thinks hospital and an NGT are the best things for me. Needless to say I cried. We all cried.
Everyone wants this vicious cycle to end but how can it when lets face it I'm getting little to no meal support here expected to eat and not feel an overwhelming amount of guilt and betrayal. The psychiatrist in here is a narcissistic bitch anyway so I really just don't get the point.
Sometimes I question why I do the things I do is it a deep seated wish for attention? I think not its a wish for perfectionism improving myself and gaining an aspect of control and happiness into my life. It is not in spite of the ones I love and it is not rebelling against the system. It is a mental illness that makes you believe you are in full control even when you become so medically compromised you have no way to deny the fact that you are actually sick.
I'm praying for discharge so I can return to my eating disorder even if I've put in all the hard yards over the last five weeks none of it seems worth it. What am I actually gaining from this whole experience? Guilt, shame, disgust, self loathing and of course where would I be without my lovely amazing friends sitting there right beside me rooting me on to "smash it" at every meal. But in terms of recovering I'm at a standstill. I'm in this too and fro tug of war inside my mind. I'm at a place where I'm eating to get out of the system to return home to not eat to return back to the system that is so drastically failing my family friends and I.
On a positive note I found out I can do my year 12 through distance education next year which I am very excited about I used to love school I was good at it! But now comes the dilemma of choosing the subjects I will dominate in and will help me arrive at my final destination (A uni course).
The illumines ward round comes around again tomorrow and I'm yet again not handing in a sheet of paper I feel my voice is not heard or listened to so I just don't care anymore they will either discharge me or keep me in this prison one way or another it won't matter what I say.
My friend has been accepted into the private clinic but she's coming up with every excuse under the sun not to take up the bed I think she's insane not to take it up but I'm not fighting with her I'm just tired of this round about way. This stupid cycle we are both stuck in surely the clinic has got to be better then here she's not an hour away from friends and family and a familiar environment with dead set recovery like minded people and she doesn't have ridiculous visiting hours AND she's already working with the same team she would be working with in the hospital! I just don't get it but I'm sick of telling here she's worth recovery she doesn't listen maybe I should try reverse psychology?
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