What is 'Recovery'

Well yesterday arvo I got my shit together I pulled up my socks stopped sulking around feeling sorry for myself and put in the hard yards to start eating again. Afternoon tea, dinner, supper, breakfast, morning tea and lunch have all been a big success. Hell I'm not saying it has been easy but if there is only one thing I've learnt about hospital its that to get your own way (in my situation to get discharged) you have to comply then, then the choice is yours to relapse or continue to 'recover'.

I know I throw that word around a lot but what is recovery? What does it feel like? What does it look like? What is recovery??? Will I ever be fully recovered??? The dictionary states that recovery is a "return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength" I don't believe I have ever truly conquered this state of being I am always stuck in a state of limbo eating enough to be considered normal and stay out of hospital or eating nothing at all and swearing "I'm fine" when its clear that I am physically suffering. And somehow my body is becoming much better equipped to deal with my sustained periods of starvation.

It's a merry-go-round I fear I will never get off. I don't contain the strength or mentality to nib Anorexia in the butt once and for all. I fantasies about a life without anorexia I let it tantalise me for a few moments and then like a wave of smoke it disintegrates into the air like it was never there before. I wonder about all the things I could accomplish if I wasn't so obsessed and entwined with my illness I would accomplish many great things. But without my illness I wouldn't be me my Anorexia is my identity or at least thats how it feels everyone knows me as Bec-the-sick-anorexic not Bec-the-smart-intellegent-bright-bubbly-younglady-with-a-lifetime-in-front-of-her.

Tomorrow brings yet another ward round. Mondays we go in and see the team unlike Thursdays where the nurses convey what we ask them to. I'm nervous about going in but I want to go in I want my voice heard I want to be discharged (but I'm worried after my mishap yesterday I will have blown that chance and proved I can't recover) and if they don't discharge me I am filing for an application for revocation I am not staying here an extra 3 and a half weeks to know that the minute i get out all my hard work will unravel like a ball of wool. Why waste 3 weeks of their time and three weeks of my time I'm not learning anything new I'm just being monitored so my physical health doesn't decline but the minute I'm out we all know the ball gets thrown up in the air so, whats the point of all this? To keep my parents happy that's the point. But recovering has to be wanted by me for me and lets face it it's not. My parents are the be all and end all for me. 

I'm feeling like a blimp today I'm sick of this fat feeling I can't wait to get out of here and lose weight it's all I live for but this time I have to try and eat a little something rather then just going cold turkey we all know where that lands me...