.:Ano-the-Wrecksick:.: Death warmed up or not so warm

And the days roll on in succession. They are growing longer as my insomnia peaks. Two nights ago I was blessed with two hours sleep. I didn’t appreciate it. Well last night was worse not a wink was slept I stared at my stars on my roof making pictures as their lights dulled the thoughts enveloping my mind consuming me. But there’s something nice about being awake at 2 in the morning knowing the neighbourhood is asleep and my family too I’m the only one awake the silence is deafening you can hear the creek and the frogs croaking. It’s peaceful amongst the buzz of my head.

Today was yet another day where I felt hopeless I was instructed to get a GP appt to check my vitals again yes only a mere day down the track I keep being told I am at a ‘critical stage’ I guess I have to take the professionals word for it. Well I rang three times trying to get an urgent appt with my dr no luck so I asked for anyone at the clinic no luck. I hung my head low.

So I spent the morning in the church reflecting and purging myself of my sins it was quiet I embraced it for once my head wasn’t focused on calories when my next drink would be how many calories I had burned the expectations of me at this stage and what might happen.

I got home where Hollie rang me. Her phone calls are somewhat nice but today I just didn’t care for them she is so worried about me and honestly has my best interest at heart but she’s so pushy im stubborn I have never met a person before that has matched that and probably exceeded it. She said my bloods weren’t great but they hadn’t deteriorated so I have earned my freedom yet again. My body is proving everyone wrong…at this stage. She’s making me see the GP I saw yesterday tomorrow which I am not looking forward to I’m sick of running around like a mad woman I just want to hibernate in my room all day it feels like forever since that yet my life only became hectic as of Tuesday bar Fridays day trip. Given I’m living at home she wanted to call my mum I gave up the fight. Also after my gp appt tomorrow she wants EDS to be rung for an update she keeps reiterating the fact I'm on the verge of an admission and the gp may well sedn me to the hospital. I keep shrugging it off but deep down i know its coming i just want to shun the thought though its too painful to think about

My mum told me hollie had rung she said she wants me to move out she has invested too much time in me in the last two years and gotten no where now its my siblings turn. She is coming to my appt with peter on Tuesday to have her say which to me means they will all just gang up on me section me and force me into hospital… maybe I will cancel?

I am so cold. Today i wore a pair of leggings a pair of trackies a tshirt a woollen cardigan socks and a doona and i was still shivering and freezing Hollie wasn't surprised to say the least. I haven't felt this bad since i was at my lowest weight :( . I'm an emotional train wreck i look like a truck has hit me and i feel like death armed up except...I'm not warm.

I lost 500g today after my diet coke, which is becoming increasingly hard to stomach my mind just won’t let up. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad I hate being ‘fat’ but in all honesty I’m worried I’ve lost 12kilos 27.6pounds in 3 weeks! Something has to give… soon.

I leave you with some pictures

This is what i think best describes my parents understanding of my Anorexia