Abc ITO CTO what's the difference just letters thrown about & marijuana

So we went back today and I begged them to let me go. They agreed and gave me overnight leave tonight until tomorrow where my ITO will be turned over to the Geelong team on a CTO. It's all too much for my little brain to comprehend. I've been told if my weight drops below my fear weight I will be sent back to prison hospital which to me means your fat and there's nothing you can do! Suck it up princess. Well there'll be no sucking for me thankyou. I'm sorry mum and dad please forgive me I've had enough. 

My dads come up with a ludicrous plan to feed me marijuana to calm my anxiety and give me the munchies and in turn he's taking me off all other medication. Ludicrous! But I'll let him do his thing whilst I do mine. 

By the way I highly suggest you check out an artist I found online by the name of 'he glass child' which reminds me of another little known artist Maria mena check them out!

Xx bec

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was an ordinary girl who turned out to be not so ordinary in the end. Her name was nothing to remember she was just another pretty face in a forgotten crowd another name thrown about like the clothes she changed endlessly before a date. She was married. In an abusive relationship where divorce was little to be heard of. A sort of Pandora's box; open it and all who do, die! Her name was I her husband Anorexia. And that's the end no happy ever after just the remnants of a life a forgotten face in a forgotten crowd 

The count down has begun until I go back to hospital back to my cell back to the only safe place there is to eat. 2 waking hours. But before then I have to get through the next part of the day of eating every meal and morsel put in front of me before I will truly be safe from hospital to go back to my deceptive ways of anorexia. One more snack I can do this! This is all too confusing all too much and soon to be all too little all too nothing! I'm ready for this to be over I'm ready for the end. But there is no end in sight. Anorexia won't be happy until I'm dead! 

I'm not very talkative as of recent times but it helps to get as little out as I am please forgive my rambles. I need out I want to run into anorexias safe arms but at the moment I have to compromise. Peace out. 

Xx Bec 

Short and sweet

I said something yesterday about plans changing well, mine changed. I decided to eat. I decided for health. I decided for home. It's just come 8pm and plans are taking a quick turn around. Again. I'm panicking, I'm eating, I'm gaining and panicking some more. Plans are changing again I've decided for sickness for skinny for hunger for exercise for escape for quiet for happiness! How could anyone 'decide' for this? They can't! It's a condemnation! This post is going nowhere fast so I'll leave it at that skip supper and go to bed.

Night Bella's 

Xxx Bec 

When there's nowhere left to go

I'm on extended weekend leave. Again. Set up for failure. Again. 

I'm set on skipping every meal from now until I go back on Monday morning so we're looking at a 3 day fast. Doable souley living off chai tea and diet jelly. That's the plan. Plans change.

My mum has no faith in me my dad has no faith in me my treatment team have no faith in me and my grandpas losing faith in me which leads to a pretty nonexistent self esteem.

There's a saying that when you hit rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up. I'm not quite at the bottom yet, but this weekend should bring me quite near. My eyes flicker to the light that seems so far from reach as my legs dangle midair waiting to touch solid ground --being the bottom of all lows--

Xxx Bec 

**Rambles**

My life has come to an abrupt holt. Every second of every waking minute of every day has turned into what is and isn't Anorexia. How I live and in turn don't live with or without Anorexias' looming presence in my life.

I sit here drinking my 'safe' Chai tea counting down the hours until my impending discharge against all my parents best wishes. But at least I'm not counting the calories (89)... more or less letting the calories dictate me. I'm too exhausted to let this dismal number worry me plus it's already classed as a 'safe' food/drink/condiment.

I'm in the "too hard basket" for the hospital care team and for my parents. My mum see's me as a lost cause "...being in hospital is not important that's going to be her way of life..." real confidence booster there.

No matter where I go I'm a burden on my careers'. This is the way one is made to feel; hopeless and helpless- when all else fails to correct my irregularities, when all else fails to repair the broken remnants of my life.

Too hard basket

I'm writing this entry with tears streaming down my face making a small Nile river of its own. And I don't know why I'm --what is this thing? Crying!? 

I wasn't discharged today after my epic failure of a weekend but it will be reviewed on Thursday and basically if I eat I have a guarantee so I can go home where I have openly stated to my treatment team I'll go back to square one.

I'm in the 'too hard basket'

Sorry for my lack of words in stuck in a depressive funk 

Xxx Bec 

Home sweet home

I'm home on extended weekend leave and, I'm failing dismally.

Today I have managed a whole 194cals broken down that's 2 pieces of bread and 2 eggs (@6.30 at night may I add) it's taken me a whole day to manage not even a quarter of my meal plan there's no hope at reaching.

And now that I've eaten I've taken a silent vow not to eat again before Tuesday. Should be a sinch but I'm a little out of practice and my hearts already not coping I though it was going to give out on me walking from the bus stop home which is quite literally just around the corner.

And somehow somewhere in amongst this I'm still praying for discharge on Tuesday. A girl can have dreams can't she? Apparently not when they are this far fetched. If I am by some miracle discharged there must be something seriously wrong, and I don't know who with, me or 'the team'?

I went to the cinemas with my little sister today and wasn't even able to enjoy myself I was fretting over the tea I drank earlier on. Well now I've eaten too my anxiety is through the roof so I've popped one of my favourite pills-lorazepam-in the hopes that I will just drift off to sleep. But even there I'm still haunted by food.